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NASA Launches David Bowie Concept Mission

• Wal-Mart Cuts Over 13,000 Of What It Calls Jobs

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.09.10 | News

  BENTONVILLE, AR—"First, we tried cutting what is hard for me in good conscience to even call benefits,” said Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke. "We even tried negotiating with what we would probably refer to as the workers' union if, in fact, they even had such a thing." more»

  

• 20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine's Day

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.11.10 | News

  WASHINGTON—"It's going to be so romantic!" said Brooklyn resident Lydia Simonson, who along with hundreds of thousands of citizens will soon excuse herself from her daily duties, and retreat into a nearby bathroom to carefully tend to the area around her vulva. more»

  

• Forgotten Assyrian God Revived To Name Sports Drink

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.13.10 | News

  NEW YORK—Powerade representatives said it was Nisroch's pronounced calf muscle in various depictions from the eighth century B.C. that initially attracted them to the once highly revered eagle-headed farming deity. more»

  

• Family Concerned After Aging TV Show Has Another Terrible Episode

  ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•06 | 02.09.10 | News in Brief

  ROANOKE, VA—The Stashwick family of Roanoke was "alarmed and saddened" to see a beloved-but-aging TV program suffer yet another terrible... more»

• Prayers Answered By Random Series Of Events In Cold, Uncaring Universe

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.10.10 | News in Brief

  KATY, TX—A man in danger of losing his home had his prayers coincidentally answered Tuesday by the haphazard machinations of an indifferent... more»

• Local Asshole Attains World-Class Status

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.11.10 | News in Brief

  MADISON, PA—Local asshole Skyler Berwin, 28, was granted world-class asshole status Saturday during a special ceremony held in recognition... more»

• Child Slavery Gives Area Activist Something To Do With Her Evenings

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.12.10 | News in Brief

  BOULDER, CO—The scourge of child slavery, an abhorrent practice affecting millions of exploited children under 12 worldwide, has given local... more»

• Valentine's Day Specials

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.10.10 | Infographic

  This time of year, couples can take advantage of the great Valentine's deals many businesses have to offer. Here are some of the bargains that are available. more»

  

• Your Horoscope

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.09.10 | Horoscope

• How Are We Surprising Our Partner?

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.10.10 | Statshot

  

• Beloved Minister Dies Just As He Lived—Of A Heart Attack

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.09.10 | Radio News

• New Cereal For Poor Stays Crunchy In Water

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.11.10 | Radio News

• Vegan Unaware Pineapple He’s Eating Once Used To Beat Cow To Death

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.09.10 | News in Photos

  

• Mannequins Seem Really In Love

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.13.10 | News in Photos

  

• There Should Be No Secrets In Our Relationship Excluding The Events Of March 2, 2004

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.09.10 | Commentary

  We've been together quite a while now, and I truly believe that if our relationship is going to last—if we're really going to commit to a... more»

• Smoove Is Not A Fan Of Valentine's Day

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.11.10 | Commentary

  A word of warning: The following column could very well blow your mind. Smoove urges you to read it with the utmost caution. We are... more»

• Hey All You 'Bill Me Later' Motherfuckers, Guess What Today Is?

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.12.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - February 8, 2010

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.08.10 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Intelligent, Respectable Women Across Globe Inexplicably Excited For Figure Skating

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.12.10 | Sports News in Brief

  VANCOUVER—As the 2010 Winter Olympics get underway, the prospect of watching figure skating and ice dancing in all their forms has inspired a surprising amount of giddy exuberance in otherwise levelheaded women worldwide. more»

  

• Extremely Uptight Olympic Procession Director During Opening Ceremony: 'Wrong, Wrong, This Is All Wrong!'

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.13.10 | Sports News in Brief

  VANCOUVER—Olympic Procession director Bryan Anderson, known for his vigilant attention to detail and his violent temper, was furious with the apparent "sloppiness" and "unprofessionalism" during... more»

  

• Flat, Unending Landscape Still Makes Veteran Cross-Country Skier Nervous Before Race

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.15.10 | Sports News in Brief

  VANCOUVER—Though he has competed in hundreds of sanctioned events and two prior Winter Olympics, veteran cross-country skier Kris Freeman admitted to reporters Friday that the foreboding sight of an unfathomably flat and endless landscape still causes him apprehension before each race. more»

  

• World Inspired By First Snowman To Win Luge

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.16.10 | Sports News in Brief

  VANCOUVER—In what has become the most inspiring story at the XXI Winter Olympiad, the luge was won Sunday by the most unlikely of competitors: Tom, a snowman rolled together just two days earlier by the Kansy family of Vancouver. more»

  

• Lindsey Vonn Credits Success To Really Good Ski Poles

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•06 | 02.17.10 | Sports News in Brief

  VANCOUVER—World Champion skier and Olympic gold medal favorite Lindsey Vonn admitted yesterday that the secret to her success is her "really, really good ski poles." more»

  

• Snøkåathlletes To Watch

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.12.10 | Sportsgraphic

  The best and brightest of contemporary Snøkåathlaan. more»

  

• Rules of Snøkåathlaan

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.12.10 | Sportsgraphic

  The condensed rules and regulations of International Snøkåathlaan. more»

  

• Snøkåathlaan History

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.12.10 | Sportsgraphic

  A brief overview of Snøkåathlaan's invention and evolution. more»

  

• International Olympic Medal Incentives

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.12.10 | Sportsgraphic

  WInning the gold in international amateur competition is its own reward, but participating nations have found other ways to show their appreciation. more»

  

• Winter Olympic Event Guide: Snøkåathlaan, Part 1

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.12.10 | Graphical Feature

  Our handy viewer's guide continues this week with a comprehensive guide to a thrilling sport rich in tradition. more»

  

• Rachael Flatt vs. Kim Yu-Na

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.12.10 | Keys To The Matchup

  It's America's Sweetheart versus the presumed sweetheart of the rest of the world as figure skaters Rachael Flatt and Kim Yu-na square off in Vancouver. more»

  

• Top Team USA Snøkåathllete Sheffield Torvalds-Smith

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.12.10 | Photo Finish

  

• NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.11.10 | O-SPAN

  The team of scientists says the $19 million dollar mission will put them in direct contact with a woman by 2018. more»

  

• Toyota Expected To Recall Prius

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.09.10 | American Voices

  Following last month's costly recall of 8.1 million vehicles due to an acceleration problem, Toyota will reportedly recall its latest hybrid Prius... more»

• Super Bowl XLIV Most-Watched Show Ever

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.10.10 | American Voices

  With 106.5 million people tuning in, Sunday's Saints-Colts Super Bowl became the most-watched program in U.S. history, drawing 500,000 more viewers... more»

• Dentistry Postpones Lil Wayne Prison Term

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.11.10 | American Voices

  Though scheduled to face sentencing on weapons charges, rapper Lil Wayne, born Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., had his imprisonment postponed Tuesday so... more»

• Google Asks NSA For Security Help

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.12.10 | American Voices

  In light of recent hacking attacks, search engine leviathan Google has asked the National Security Agency for help securing its network. What do... more»

• On the Warm Weather at the Olympics

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.12.10 | Fan On The Street

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.09.10 | Slideshow

  

• Onion Sports Guide To Team USA

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.12.10 | Slideshow

  

• Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases When Computer User Is Drunk

  ISSUE 46•06 | 02.08.10 | Tech Trends

  Computer experts say individuals with upcoming bachelor parties or afterwork get-togethers are especially vulnerable to cyber attacks resulting in fraudulent late-night purchases. more»

  

• snow

  4-6 inches of February

• 650-Pound Virgin

  DISCOVERY HEALTH

  10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

  Is a 435-pound slut the answer?

• Nano

  Dear The Onion,

  I think a really interesting story would be about how the Ultra Stomp Rocket and the iPod Nano are good, educational toys for kids. Also, my birthday is Feb. 12, so please run it before then.

  Paul Kosidowski, Lake Geneva, WI

• Life After People

  HISTORY

  10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

  Experts debate what would happen in and around Wichita if humans were to disappear.

• IOWA CITY, IA—Ethan Romer, 6, refused to put on a hat, caught a chill, and died.

• Boston's Freedom Trail

  Follow the red-brick path back through time to some of the most important sites in Boston's history. From the picturesque riverside city of Cambridge, where lead guitarist Tom Scholz penned the first Boston song, "Foreplay"; to the basement studio where Boston recorded its demos; to the Bank of America Pavilion, where Boston honored its fallen bandmate Brad Delp in 2007.

  

• Paranormal Cops

  A&E

  10:30 p.m. EST/9:30 p.m. CST

  This week the team investigates reports of an underage ghost loitering outside Foremost Liquors and badgering customers to buy her a half pint of Smirnoff.

• Teddy

  Dear The Onion,

  Your insert memorializing the life and career of Teddy Pendergrass was perfect. Special thanks to Piggly Wiggly for sponsoring it.

  Amy, Salt Lake City

• DALLAS, TX—James Branyard laughed hysterically at his wife's little accident, until he saw the price of the casket.

• Stay-Awaytion

  The perfect retreat for when your spouse is taking two weeks off at home and doesn't realize you lost your job. Daily specials, dark back booths.

  

• Hickory Farms (HKFM)

  $39.2 $2.08 (+5.6%) Seeking to expand the market for its products beyond the holiday season, the company launched a new line of Black History Month sausage-and-cheese gift boxes.

• Extra Valkyries Needed To Conduct Obese Viking To Valhalla

• Congressional Bloopers

  C-SPAN

  3 a.m. EST/2 a.m. CST

  On this episode, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) accidentally votes for a bill to legalize machine guns, Orrin Hatch (R-UT) is caught saying he wouldn't mind if his grandchildren had a gay schoolteacher, and a window washer falls through a skylight.

• NAPLES, FL—John Malloy, 26, just wanted to find a bar where people knew him but not well enough to dislike him yet.