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Rise In Teen Pregnancy Proves Teens Still Got It

• U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.16.10 | News

  WASHINGTON—"I've spent the last 24 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' but what have I actually accomplished? All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another," said longtime stock trader Michael Palermo. more»

  

• Scrappy Crew Of 'Good Morning America' Decides To Put On A News Show

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.18.10 | News

  NEW YORK—"We're gonna write our own scripts and read from 'em and tell everyone in the whole world about stuff that's happening," said George Stephanopoulos, who had everybody line up to try their best newscaster voice. "I'm gonna talk about the president." more»

  

• Real Estate Developers Push To Rebrand Murder Heights Neighborhood Of Baltimore

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.20.10 | News

  BALTIMORE—"From Blunt Force Trauma Avenue all the way down to Corpse Dump Pier, it's the dawning of a new day for this beloved neighborhood," said local builder Lawrence Vitali before getting into his car and speeding away. more»

  

• Tea Party Movement Hopelessly Divided Into Enraged, Apoplectic Factions

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.15.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Organizers of the Tea Party movement, a group opposed to the federal government’s attempts to alleviate the ongoing financial... more»

• Ford Recalls 2010 Mustang For Being Too Cool

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.16.10 | News in Brief

  DETROIT—-Ford officials issued a massive recall of the entire 2010 Mustang line Tuesday, apologizing for a quality-control oversight that... more»

• Senator Misses Simpler Time When He Could Do Abominable Things In Peace

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.16.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—After being targeted by a Senate Ethics Committee probe for engaging in alleged improprieties with a former staffer, Sen. John... more»

• Fork Manufacturer Introduces Fifth Tine To Accommodate Growing American Mouthfuls

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.17.10 | News in Brief

  EVANSVILLE, IN—In an effort to keep pace with the rapid growth of American mouthfuls, flatware manufacturer KitchenMaster announced... more»

• Gay Marriage Passes In 9 States After Area Homosexual Dunks On Regulation Rim

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.18.10 | News in Brief

  MONTGOMERY, AL—A two-handed slam dunk by an openly homosexual man set off a chain of events this week that culminated in the legalization of... more»

• CIA Forced To Complete All Scheduled Torture In One Hectic Weekend

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.19.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Following the launch of a Justice Department criminal probe into the CIA's alleged abuse of detainees, the intelligence agency... more»

• Stocking Up For Weather Emergencies

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.17.10 | Infographic

  In anticipation of the snowstorms that paralyzed the mid-Atlantic, store shelves were stripped bare, leaving some unlucky citizens without the... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.16.10 | Horoscope

• Least Popular Teen Hangouts

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.17.10 | Statshot

  

• Bush, Al-Zeidi Tour World Recreating Shoe-Throwing Incident

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.14.10 | Radio News

• Jewish Texans Commemorate Holocaust…Texas-Style!

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.16.10 | Radio News

• Area CEO Doesn't Have Time For This Crap

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.18.10 | Radio News

• Buddy Sneaks Into Chest X-Ray

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.16.10 | News in Photos

  

• Obama's Embarrassing Ska Album Resurfaces

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.20.10 | News in Photos

  

• You Are Your Own Worst Enemy, And After That, It's Count Dementox

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.16.10 | Commentary

  Look, we need to talk, because, frankly, I've been worried about you lately. Your bad attitude; your lack of motivation; the way you've been... more»

• I Don't Talk Much, But When I Do, Nobody Really Cares

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.18.10 | Commentary

  I'm not the type of guy who likes to throw his opinions around willy-nilly. Most of the time, I'm happy enough to just sit back and take in what... more»

• What Will Humans Look Like Six Months From Now?

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.19.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• February 15, 2010

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.15.10 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•07 ISSUE 0• | 02.19.10 | Sports News

  PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex. more»

  

• Chinese Crested Dog's Beautifully Descended Testicles Bring Divided Nation Together

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.19.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Awed and inspired by the gloriously formed, beautifully descended testicles of Tommy, a hairless Chinese crested dog competing in his second Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, millions of U.S. citizens took stock of their lives and set aside their differences Tuesday to stare at the canine's perfectly groomed reproductive glands. more»

  

• Construction Restricts Daytona 500 Traffic To One Lane

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.20.10 | Sports News in Brief

  DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Construction crews working to patch the rippled and broken asphalt of Daytona International Speedway reduced traffic to a single lane during last Sunday's Daytona 500, resulting in average speeds of 35 miles per hour. more»

• Spud Webb Getting Smaller And Smaller Every Time People Recount 1986 Dunk Contest

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•07 | 02.22.10 | Sports News in Brief

  ATLANTA—In recent accounts of Spud Webb's astounding victory in the 1986 NBA Slam-Dunk Contest, basketball fans across the nation have reportedly exaggerated the diminutive point guard's size by greatly diminishing his height with each retelling of the event. more»

  

• Local Snowplow Guy Ruins Winter Olympics

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.23.10 | Sports News in Brief

  VANCOUVER—The 2010 Winter Olympics were postponed indefinitely Friday morning after snowplow operator Dominic Wondolowski arrived on the scene Thursday night, a snowplow affixed to his 1994 Ford F-150, and proceeded to clear out nearly all of the snow from every Olympic venue. more»

  

• Sentimental Pitchers And Catchers Fulfill Promise Of Meeting In Exact Same Spot One Year Later

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.24.10 | Sports News in Brief

  SARASOTA, FL—Fulfilling a promise they made one year ago, nostalgic MLB pitchers and catchers reported to the exact same spot Thursday to recount memories of what many of them called "the best spring training ever." more»

  

• NBA's Biggest-Ever Trade Deadline Deals

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.19.10 | Sportsgraphic

  Now that the trade deadline has come and gone, we look back at the deadline deals that changed basketball history. more»

  

• Nate Robinson

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.19.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  The high-scoring point guard is now the first three-time NBA Slam-Dunk Contest winner. Is he any good? more»

  

• Team USA: Are They Warm Enough?

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.12.10 | Photo Finish

  

• Bobsled Team Forgets Bobsled

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.19.10 | Photo Finish

  

• Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To Violence

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.18.10 | In The Know

  Panelists debate the validity of a new report which claims many decorative baby skulls are obtained by unlawful, inhumane means. more»

  

• New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each Other

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.14.10 | Newsroom

  The Minnesota law would nullify the marriages of an estimated 2.4 million couples currently living in silent resentment or seething hatred. more»

  

• Psychiatric Tome Getting Long-Awaited Update

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.15.10 | American Voices

  A draft of the fifth edition of the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders (DSM) has been posted for online review before its... more»

• Obese Filmmaker Booted From Flight

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.16.10 | American Voices

  Kevin Smith, director of such films as Clerks and Clerks II was ejected from a Southwest Airlines flight this weekend because of pilot... more»

• Holyfield Reportedly Hit Wife

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.17.10 | American Voices

  Candi Holyfield, the third wife of Evander Holyfield, said the former heavyweight champion hit her in the face and head because he thought she had... more»

• Tom Of MySpace Gone?

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.18.10 | American Voices

  Breaking with years of tradition, MySpace no longer automatically adds company cofounder and former president Tom Anderson as the first friend of... more»

• Lawmaker Seeks To Ban U.S. Currency

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.19.10 | American Voices

  Mike Pitts, a representative in the South Carolina legislature, has proposed a law that would replace dollars with gold and silver in his state. What... more»

• On Canada's First Gold Medal As An Olympic Host

  ISSUE 46•07 | 02.19.10 | Fan On The Street

• freezing

  Lace up the crampons and pickax your way to work

• The Winter Olympics

  NBC

  5 p.m. EST / 4 p.m. CST

  If it's the Winter Olympics, then ski jumps, snowboarding, and the thrilling skeleton are electrifying muted flat-screens in malls everywhere.

• Bear Re-Enacts Mauling For Friends

• NASA

  In last week's issue of The Onion, all of the references to NASA and NAMBLA should have been switched. The Onion regrets the error.

• Feb, 23, 8 p.m.

  Bowling Sunday has been moved to Bowling Tuesday. If unable to make it Tuesday, participants should feel free to go on Sunday. The shoes will cost money that day, however.

• JOHNSON CITY, TN—Third-grader Morgan Jennings continues to mistakenly pledge his allegiance to the state flag.

• Ghost Whisperer

  CBS

  8 p.m. EST / 7 p.m. CST

  Ghost whisperer Melinda Gordon's expertise is challenged when new kid on the block Brandon shows up and is not afraid to speak to the ghosts at a normal volume.

• Different Pair Of Pants Put On To Do Eight Sit-Ups

• Mike And Mike In The Morning (ESPN) 6 a.m. EST/5 a.m. CST

  The hosts attempt to get Carmelo Anthony on the phone to discuss his injury status, eventually speaking to the Nuggets' team doctor's friend, Marty Schenck, who once had tennis elbow.

  

• Feb. 20, 9 a.m.

  The Colleyville Women's Society will be holding a fundraiser for Colleen Starnes, a 40-year-old woman who can no longer afford the fees of the Colleyville Women's Society.

• Voice From Other Room Also Thinks Ventriloquist Should Be Booked For Cruise Ship Gig

• PENSACOLA, FL—Jason Ernestson was going to finally say what everyone was thinking but was too afraid to say out loud, but then he got too scared.

• That Show That Guy From High School Was In

  CBS

  8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST

  In this episode, that guy you went to high school with has a few lines, I think in like an auto repair shop? He looks so different, that's all I know.

• Spot The Difference

  In last Sunday's paper,The Onion forgot to print the answers to our "Spot the Difference" puzzle. The differences were: the boy's hair is parted on the left, the tree branch is missing, the Bible is wider, the rainbow bumper sticker is inverted, and the flames on the cross are taller. The Onion regrets the error.

• Feb. 19, 2 p.m.

  The play that Rasha's mom wrote about his heritage will be performed at Washington Elementary School and will star Rasha. Attendance is mandatory.

• Oh, Golly

  CMT

  9 p.m. EST / 10 p.m. CST

  There's a big shortage of paint-stirring sticks at a hardware store in Gatlinburg, TN.

• Safeway (SWY)

  $22.1 $.14 (+.69%) Stock prices climbed today on word that the supermarket chain's in-store brand Eating Right had absolutely nailed the cheddar flavor of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish with its new value-priced Cheesy Trout Crackers.

• Man With Half As Many Apples As Eric And Jane Regrets Not Paying Attention During School

• LANDSDALE, PA—In an attempt to deter geese from landing on his lawn, Pablo Muirhead strategically placed dishes of foie gras around the property.

• Biathlon (NBC) 3 p.m. EST/4 p.m. CST

  Tune in and see how much less interesting skiing and shooting are than they sound.