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Former Prom King Now Living Anonymously Among Commoners

• Latest Sarah Palin Speech Opens Sixth Seal

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.24.10 | News

  IDAHO FALLS, ID—"Admittedly, this is not what we were expecting," said a University of Cambridge doctor of divinity. "The Bible speaks of a beast with seven horns and seven eyes, not a raven-haired woman from the north who knows not what foolishness she speaks of." more»

  

• Daytime, Nighttime 7-11 Clerks Have Vastly Different Opinions Of Area Man

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.25.10 | News

  CHICAGO—While one clerk describes regular customer Chris Coles as an introverted grump who does little more than mumble, the other knows him as a gregarious singer and dancer who likes to use objects around the store as makeshift hats. more»

  

• Sierra Leone Diamond Miner Devastated By News Of Broken-Off Engagement

  ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 46•08 | 02.27.10 | News

  KENEMA, SIERRA LEONE—"They had so much in common," said local diamond miner Muwomba D'akari before momentarily blacking out from extreme exhaustion. D'akari said he hasn't been this upset since his entire family was killed during Sierra Leone’s decade-long civil war. more»

  

• Geithner Refuses To Come Down Off Capitol Dome

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.22.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Three days after a sulking Timothy Geithner climbed to the top of the U.S. Capitol dome, the treasury secretary remained... more»

• Paleontologists: 'We've Been Looking At Dinosaurs Upside Down'

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.23.10 | News in Brief

  SALT LAKE CITY—In a paradigm-shattering revelation that has shocked the scientific community, paleontologists from the Utah Geological... more»

• 10-Year-Old Shocked Woman From 'Guinness Book' Who Can Pop Her Eyes Out Not A Millionaire

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.24.10 | News in Brief

  CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Stunned shock and dismay were just a few of the reactions from Bobby Guntergrass on Tuesday when the 10-year-old learned... more»

• Wal-Mart Shoppers Mocked By Target Shopper

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.25.10 | News in Brief

  OKLAHOMA CITY—Local shopper Craig Klein took a moment to mock a group of patrons in the parking lot of a local Wal-Mart during his drive... more»

• One Year Into The Stimulus Plan

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.24.10 | Infographic

  It's been one year since the launch of the $787 billion federal stimulus package. How has the money helped... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.23.10 | Horoscope

• How Are We Keeping Our Abstinence Pledges?

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.24.10 | Statshot

  

• Doyle Redland Says Goodbye

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.21.10 | Radio News

• Rules Grammar Change

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.23.10 | Radio News

• Taco Bell Launches New 'Morning After' Burrito

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.25.10 | Radio News

• Bill Clinton Has Unibeam Installed In Chest

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.23.10 | News in Photos

  

• Nesting Sea Turtle Escorted From Private Beach

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.27.10 | News in Photos

  

• I Bought An Awesome Gun That Makes Me Feel Like God, But I Hope I Never Have To Use It

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.23.10 | Commentary

  You never know when life could take a tragic turn. One moment you're sleeping comfortably in your home and the next you suddenly find yourself in... more»

• If Only I'd Listened To Virtually Anyone

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.25.10 | Commentary

  I can't believe I did it again. They tried to tell me—all of them did—but I didn't heed any of their warnings. Why do I have to be so... more»

• Money And Politics: Are They Somehow Connected?

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.26.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Senator Dikembe Mutombo Blocks Record Amount Of Legislation

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•08 | 02.26.10 | Sports News

  WASHINGTON—Sen. Dikembe Mutombo (R-CO) showed that he is still one of the most dominant big men in Congress Thursday, blocking a record 16 bills in one legislative session. more»

  

• Bar Thinks They Have Curling Figured Out

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•08 | 02.26.10 | Sports News in Brief

  DOYLESTOWN, PA—After three hours of watching Canada take on Denmark in women's curling Friday, regulars at the Cargo Grill in suburban Pennsylvania felt they had the rules and traditions of the sport sufficiently sussed out. more»

  

• Olympic Athletes Hoping To Exchange Bent-Up Medals For Normal Ones

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.27.10 | Sports News in Brief

  VANCOUVER—A number of medal winners at the 2010 Winter Olympics admitted Tuesday that they looked forward to exchanging their inexplicably beat-up medals for regular ones that weren't completely dented for some reason. more»

  

• Kevin Durant High-Dribbler In Win With 186 Bounces

  ISSUE 46•08 | 03.01.10 | Sports News in Brief

  OKLAHOMA CITY—Thunder guard Kevin Durant dribbled the ball 73 times in the fourth quarter, leading all dribblers with 186 bounces in Oklahoma City's win against the New York Knicks Saturday. more»

  

• Hitting Coach Lets Out Long, Melancholy Sigh Before Working With Pitchers On Bunting

  ISSUE 46•08 | 03.02.10 | Sports News in Brief

  JUPITER, FL—Florida Marlins hitting coach Jim Presley massaged his temples with his left hand and emitted a deep, sorrowful sigh Friday when he realized he would have to spend two hours going over bunting with his team's pitchers. more»

  

• Ski Jumper Has To Work On His Soaring

  ISSUE 46•08 | 03.03.10 | Sports News in Brief

  VANCOUVER—Following a disappointing 98.5-meter effort that onlookers described as a "longish hop" or "sort of a flutter," ski jumper Hans Pavelka announced Friday that he would redouble his commitment to soaring. more»

  

• Denmark Introduces Harrowing New Tourism Ads Directed By Lars Von Trier

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.23.10 | Newsroom

  Tourism officials hope the acclaimed Danish director's bleak vision of unsettling sexuality and brutal violence will attract more visitors to their country. more»

  

• Filming Of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee Meeting

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.25.10 | O-SPAN

  Rep. Cummings (D-VA) vows to ignore the haters and rise above the drama during the filming of his new reality series. more»

  

• School Accused of Using Laptops To Spy on Students

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.22.10 | American Voices

  A suburban Philadelphia high school is being sued for giving students laptops with cameras and then remotely activating them. What do you... more»

• Schwarzenegger Says State Bouncing Back

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.23.10 | American Voices

  Declaring that his state is showing "signs of a comeback," California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that the worst of the recession is over.... more»

• Guns Now Legal In National Parks

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.24.10 | American Voices

  A law that took effect Monday makes it legal to carry loaded guns in national parks, as long as owners comply with state rules. What do you... more»

• Bristol Palin As Herself

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.25.10 | American Voices

  Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol will appear on the ABC Family program The Secret Life Of The American Teenager playing... more»

• GM Closing Hummer

  ISSUE 46•08 | 02.26.10 | American Voices

  After a takeover deal with a Chinese manufacturer fell through, General Motors announced that it would shut down its Hummer line. What do you... more»

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 46•08 | 03.01.10 | Slideshow

  

• New York City

  ISSUE 46•08 | 03.16.10 | Slideshow

  

• cold

  In my day cold

• Undercover Employee

  CBS

  8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST

  A man who Pepsi executives think is the new CFO is actually a high school dropout and delivery-truck driver with no managerial experience.

• Absolute Worst Person To Own Pit Bull Gets Another One

• The Bet

  Dear The Onion,

  Sooooooo, my girlfriends and I have a bet and I'm the only one brave enough to write you a letter. Shut up, you guys, I'm doing it! Diane wants to know if you…shut UP, Diane, yes you DID! So anyways, Onion, my girlfriends and I…Candy, shut up, no I do NOT! Don't pay attention to them. Anyways, we were just wondering…GOD, Trish, that is NOT true! Hold on, Onion, I'll be back in a sec.

  Cece Brinder, Urbandale, IA

• Do Not Buy This House

  That was reverse psychology. Please buy this house. Did it work? Seriously, though, don't buy this house. Open House Sunday, 10 a.m.–5 p.m. Don't come. Reference number CH3950997

  

• FREEHOLD, NJ—Sure, 16-year-old Jeremy Heywood will take a ride to the mall with you.

• Seven O'Clock Saturday Night At The Olive Garden

  CBS

  7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST

  Can Patterson, party of five, outlast the competition in an hour-long wait with nowhere to sit, nothing to read, and a nearly empty Applebee's across the parking lot?

• Health Plan Only Covers Generic Version Of Doctor

• What Year Is It?

  Dear The Onion,

  Quick—and never mind why—just tell me: What year is it?

  Ryan Kenmore, Laconia, NH

• Not Getting Any Younger!

  Time to grow up and move home to Eau Claire, WI, say your grandparents. That girl you took to the prom has a good job at the VA hospital and could make room in her life—and condo—for a handsome, single 34-year-old guy. Reference number MA2565902

  

• SACRAMENTO, CA—Gus Flowers was reminded that he promised to stop kicking in doors.

• Top Sous Chef

  BRAVO

  8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST

  This week, Amanda preps 45 pounds of tomatoes for gazpacho while Trina tries to keep her cool after explaining the computer system to the new waitress for the third time.

• Love Made To Looping 'Arrested Development' DVD Menu

• Accenture (ACN)

  $40.4 $.22 (+.6%) Since the company announced that Tiger Woods would no longer be its spokesman, morally righteous golf fans around the world have flocked to Accenture for all their consulting needs.

• BREAKING: Toyota Rips Obama Administration For Being 'Fatal-Accident-Causing-Industry Unfriendly'

• LUBBOCK, TX—Paramedic Travis Flood breathed a sigh of relief at his retirement party, having made it 25 years without anyone figuring out that he doesn't know CPR.

• Olympic Curling

  NBC

  7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST

  Men and women who have trained their entire lives for this moment are humored by television crews while the figure-skating rink is resurfaced.

• Bullet Stopped By Bible Salesman