Issue 4608

Ski Jumper Has To Work On His Soaring

VANCOUVER—Following a disappointing 98.5-meter effort that onlookers described as a "longish hop" or "sort of a flutter," ski jumper Hans Pavelka announced Friday that he would redouble his commitment to soaring.

Latest Sarah Palin Speech Opens Sixth Seal

IDAHO FALLS, ID—"Admittedly, this is not what we were expecting," said a University of Cambridge doctor of divinity. "The Bible speaks of a beast with seven horns and seven eyes, not a raven-haired woman from the north who knows not what foolishness she speaks of."

Former Prom King Now Living Anonymously Among Commoners

GRESHAM, OR—Towering feats of revelry and sexual conquest, hailed and exalted in their day by the former sovereign’s underlings, have over the years vanished slowly into the mists of time, their fiery glow reduced to but a few dying embers in the pit.
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