VANCOUVER—Following a disappointing 98.5-meter effort that onlookers described as a "longish hop" or "sort of a flutter," ski jumper Hans Pavelka announced Friday that he would redouble his commitment to soaring.
JUPITER, FL—Florida Marlins hitting coach Jim Presley massaged his temples with his left hand and emitted a deep, sorrowful sigh Friday when he realized he would have to spend two hours going over bunting with his team's pitchers.
VANCOUVER—A number of medal winners at the 2010 Winter Olympics admitted Tuesday that they looked forward to exchanging their inexplicably beat-up medals for regular ones that weren't completely dented for some reason.
CHICAGO—While one clerk describes regular customer Chris Coles as an introverted grump who does little more than mumble, the other knows him as a gregarious singer and dancer who likes to use objects around the store as makeshift hats.
IDAHO FALLS, ID—"Admittedly, this is not what we were expecting," said a University of Cambridge doctor of divinity. "The Bible speaks of a beast with seven horns and seven eyes, not a raven-haired woman from the north who knows not what foolishness she speaks of."
GRESHAM, OR—Towering feats of revelry and sexual conquest, hailed and exalted in their day by the former sovereign’s underlings, have over the years vanished slowly into the mists of time, their fiery glow reduced to but a few dying embers in the pit.