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Archaeologists Discover Remnants Of Legendary Party Out By Train Tracks

• Google Responds To Privacy Concerns With Unsettlingly Specific Apology

  ISSUE 46•52 ISSUE 46•09 | 03.02.10 | News

  MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—"Whether you're Michael Paulson who lives at 3425 Longview Terrace and makes $86,400 a year, or Jessica Goldblatt from Lynnwood, WA, who already has well-established trust issues, we at Google would just like to say how very, truly sorry we are," said CEO Eric Schmidt. more»

  

• Houseguest Just Going To Lie There Until Rest Of House Wakes Up

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.04.10 | News

  SAN DIEGO—In an effort to pass the time, houseguest Kevin Keegan will continue finding interesting patterns in the texture of the ceiling's stucco, listening to the ticking of a large wall clock, and trying to ignore his growing urge to urinate. more»

  

• Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.06.10 | News

  HOUSTON—With the challenges accompanying his developmental disorder widening the already vast gulf between his parents, autistic child Evan Thomas, 3, continued this week to destroy the failing marriage he was brought into this world to save. more»

  

• Yellowstone Park Attempts To Increase Ranger Population With New Mating Program

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.01.10 | News in Brief

  JACKSON, WY—In an effort to revitalize its rapidly dwindling ranger population, officials at Yellowstone National Park unveiled a new mating... more»

• Area Dad Suffers Massive Nothing To Worry About

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.02.10 | News in Brief

  STEVENS POINT, WI—In a no big deal that barely even took place, area factory worker and father of four Walt Koepke suffered a massive... more»

• 9-Pound Infant Barrels Way Down Birth Canal

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.03.10 | News in Brief

  IDAHO SPRINGS, CO—Described by medical personnel as "a real whopper," a 9-pound infant came hurtling down the birth canal of 27-year-old... more»

• Once Mighty Super Bowl Commercial Now Sad, Pathetic 'Price Is Right' Commercial

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.04.10 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—Though it once stood proud as a majestic and much-celebrated Super Bowl ad—captivating an audience of millions with its... more»

• Academy Awards Highlights

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.03.10 | Infographic

  Every year, the Oscars entertain Hollywood insiders and movie fans alike. Here are some of the more memorable and scandalous moments in the... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.02.10 | Horoscope

• What Are We Doing With Our Oscars?

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.03.10 | Statshot

  

• Study: Depression Hits Losers Hardest

  ISSUE 46•09 | 02.28.10 | Radio News

• Astronomer Discovers Black Hole At Center Of Own Marriage

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.02.10 | Radio News

• Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.04.10 | Radio News

• Money Storm Hits Palm Springs

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.06.10 | Radio News

• Forgetful Karl Lagerfeld Inadvertently Starts Lobster-Bib Trend

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.02.10 | News in Photos

  

• Hulking Strongman Now Only Voice Of Reason In Republican Party

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.06.10 | News in Photos

  

• My Constituents Care Way More About Political Gamesmanship Than Jobs, Health Care, And The Economy

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.02.10 | Commentary

  It is my responsibility as an elected official to look out for the people back home, the voters who sent me to Washington. So, after 20 years... more»

• I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars!

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.04.10 | Commentary

  Item! Anyone who's read my column in the past knows that I am pretty outspoken about the Oscars. Even though I readily admit it's... more»

• 'I'm Kinda Getting The Hang Of Filling Tori Spelling Up With Babys,' We Chat With Dean McDermott

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.05.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• March 1, 2010

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.01.10 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Disabled Athlete Likes It When Opponents Go Easy On Him

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•09 | 03.05.10 | Sports News

  SHIPPENSBURG, PA—At first glance, 17-year-old Jeremy Davis looks like any other member of the Shippensburg Lions wrestling team. He jostles for key position against his teammates, participates in spin and takedown drills, and seems to enjoy the challenges of his sport. more»

  

• Area Man Wonders What Gisele Bundchen And Tom Brady Talk About

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.05.10 | Sports News in Brief

  WATERBURY, CT—While skimming an SI.com article about Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, local roofer Ernest Wilkinson, 46, told reporters Thursday that he could not even begin to comprehend what the American-born football player and his wife... more»

  

• Wrestling Fan's Comments Alternate Between Admitting It's Fake, Forgetting It's Fake

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.06.10 | Sports News in Brief

  STATEN ISLAND, NY—During a recent screening of WWE Friday Night SmackDown, wrestling enthusiast David Graziano fluctuated between an awareness that the match he was watching was completely scripted and a willingness to treat the event as though it were 100 percent real. more»

  

• Uh-Oh, Annoying Coworker Going To Tell You Why IndyCar Racing Completely Different From NASCAR

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.08.10 | Sports News in Brief

  KANSAS CITY, MO—Oh man, sources confirmed that it looks as though Paul Martinelli, that irritating guy from sales, is going to give you an entire breakdown of the differences between IndyCar and NASCAR... more»

  

• Ball Movement Making Dirk Nowitzki Nauseous

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.09.10 | Sports News in Brief

  DALLAS—During last Wednesday's game against the Phoenix Suns, Mavericks center Dirk Nowitzki reportedly told teammates that he "needed a sec" after a possession featuring quick-paced perimeter passing made him nauseous. more»

  

• Chris Bosh Out For Season After Cutting Open Knee To See How It Works

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.10.10 | Sports News in Brief

  TORONTO—The Raptors medical staff announced Tuesday that Chris Bosh will miss the rest of the season after the inquisitive forward cut open his knee with a steak knife in an effort to look inside and see how the joint works. more»

  

• Highlights From The 2010 Winter Olympics

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•09 | 02.26.10 | Sportsgraphic

  As the 21st Winter Games draw to a close, we look back on moments that will live on in Olympic history. more»

  

• Failed ESPN Shows

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.05.10 | Sportsgraphic

  For every Around The Horn, ESPN has produced a Stump The Schwab. Some other properties from the Worldwide Leader that never made the cut. more»

  

• Ryan Miller

  ISSUE 46•09 | 02.26.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  The Sabres goalie played out of his mind in Team USA's stunning upset win over Canada. Is he any good? more»

  

• Bobby Hurley

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.05.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  The Duke legend and NCAA all-time assists leader is still a symbol of tournament greatness. Was he any good? more»

  

• Manny Ramirez: '2008 Will Be My Last Year With The Dodgers'

  ISSUE 46•09 | 02.26.10 | Photo Finish

  

• John Wooden, 99, Found Dea—Never Mind, False Alarm

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.05.10 | Photo Finish

  

• How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.04.10 | In The Know

  Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ramshackle homes. more»

  

• Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.01.10 | Newsroom

  After Obama slips up during an address on health care, White House officials are forced to admit the president occasionally uses a backing track for important speeches. more»

  

• Museum Attendance Up During Recession

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.01.10 | American Voices

  In a survey of 481 museums, 57 percent showed a substantial increase in attendance in 2009. What do you think? more»

• President Still Smoking

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.02.10 | American Voices

  President Obama's doctors hinted that he may still be smoking, despite his efforts to quit. What do you think? more»

• PlayStation 3 Outage Angers Players

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.03.10 | American Voices

  A programming bug in Sony's PlayStation 3 caused error messages to crop up this week, and the manufacturer urged owners not to use the gaming console... more»

• Chile Quake Shifted Earth's Axis

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.04.10 | American Voices

  The recent earthquake in Chile shifted the axis of the earth 3 inches and made the day 1.26 microseconds shorter. What do you think? more»

• Soda Tax Suggested In California

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.05.10 | American Voices

  California lawmaker Dean Florez has introduced a bill that would tax soda and other sugary drinks one cent for every teaspoon of caloric sweetener... more»

• On LaDainian Tomlinson Leaving The Chargers

  ISSUE 46•09 | 02.26.10 | Fan On The Street

• On Spring Training

  ISSUE 46•09 | 03.05.10 | Fan On The Street

• snow

  Two inches of snow followed by three inches of rock salt

• Meat And Potatoes

  ABC

  7:30 p.m. EST/6:30 p.m. CST

  Twenty-five spin-offs later, America finally gets to see a show about the dining hall employees of the college where Professor Steven Q. Urkel's mentor Mitchell Z. Nerdler first transformed his volunteers into party-mutants.

• Will

  The political joke that 31-year-old Will Arnold had been waiting all day to tell his colleagues absolutely died in the break room shortly after 3 p.m.

  

• Blank Canvas Equally Terrified Of Artist

• SANTA FE, NM—Dale and Emma Jordon removed some of the items on their wedding registry so it wouldn't be as obvious they were building a cockfighting pit.

• Gordon Ramsay's Fuck You

  FOOD

  8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST

  You like to cook, eat, or go into restaurants? Fuck you.

• Van Gundy's Laboratory (ABC) 12:30 EST/11:30 CST

  Commentator Jeff Van Gundy proves that every NBA action has an equal and opposite NBA reaction.

  

• Madison

  Madison Cranlin, 17, died in a car accident Tuesday, forcing Brandon Detweiler, 16, to work a tragic double-shift at Arby's.

  

• Babies For Those Who Can't Have Them

  LIFETIME

  9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST

  Sam, a cute little boy of two months, coos in his crib and makes you forget how cruel life is if only for a little while.

• Fire

  On Tuesday, The Onion reported that no one was injured when fire was set to the I Luv Wigs! store. In fact, the alien wearing the purple curly one was burned to the ground. The Onion regrets the error and the loss of such a weird mannequin.

• New Rape Slide Whistle Renders Attacker Incapable Of Maintaining Erection

• MANASSAS, VA—Prominent local Tea Party activist and burgeoning TV pundit Wendy Scheel practiced her false equivalencies into a tape recorder at her home Wednesday.

• Smuckers (SJM)

  $3.22 $.05 (-1.49%) This jam maker suffered a disappointing week on reports that exasperated mothers across the nation have finally had it up to here with sticky drawer knobs, refrigerator handles, and adorably messy toddler mouths.

• Andrew

  Andrew Dustin Maxwell, 25, passed away Friday night. Those close to Andrew will remember him as a beloved friend, party animal, and owner of the house with the shallowest pool in the world.

  

• LORAIN, OH—After spending half an hour trying to figure out if it was okay to use chicken with Hamburger Helper, June Tull just said to hell with it and ordered Chinese.

• The Marriage Ref

  NBC

  10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

  Observational humor fails to save the troubled and occasionally violent marriage of Mr. and Mrs. Kent Chaffee.

• $4.75 Cupcake Scrutinized With Jeweler’s Eyepiece

• Lost (ABC) 9:00pm EST/8:00pm CST

  The show mentioned the Red Sox a couple times a few years back. Either way, this last season is really good.