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Girl Welcomed To Womanhood With 4-Page Pamphlet

• Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.09.10 | News

  WASHINGTON—Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions of dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California were frozen in place, terrified by the sight of one long, unbroken string of English words unsure of what to do next. more»

  

• Couple Of Cool Guys Just Hanging Out

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.11.10 | News

  NEW YORK—Cool guys Shawn Goldstein, 26 (left) and Walt Traxel, 26 (right) just hang out Tuesday afternoon. Please check back in for updates as The Onion continues to follow this developing story. more»

  

• Man On Internet Almost Falls Into World Of DIY Mustard Enthusiasts

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.11.10 | News

  DES MOINES, IA—Only when Steve Gibson started getting enraged by mustard-related issues did he realize he had become entangled in a dense, thickening web of mustard obsession. "I saw my wife put French's mustard on a bologna sandwich and I just lost control," he said. more»

  

• Racial Slur Development Not Keeping Pace With Mixed-Race Births, Nation's Bigots Report

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.13.10 | News

  WASHINGTON—"The time has come for our ugly, intolerant rhetoric to step into the 21st century. Our disgusting, dehumanizing slurs simply must reflect the terrifying new global society we now live in," said American Racists and Bigots Council chairman Tom Branson. more»

  

• Out-Of-Control Group Yields Little Usable Data

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.08.10 | News in Brief

  ATLANTA—A study of the effects of antidepressants on sleep patterns was derailed this week when the experiment's out-of-control... more»

• Mytron The Fifth, Illuminati Ruler And Secret Overlord Of All Humanity, Dead At 112

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.09.10 | News in Brief

  2,000 MILES BENEATH BAVARIA, GERMANY—Mytron the Fifth, Illuminati ruler and secret mastermind of the entire human race since the year 8449... more»

• Universe Comes To Halt As Kid Flips Through First Shark Book

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.10.10 | News in Brief

  SPRINGDALE, AR—The dynamic processes by which matter and energy function in the physical world ground to a halt Thursday night as 7-year-old... more»

• Authorities Investigating Suicide Determine Victim Really Went For It

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.12.10 | News in Brief

  HAVERFORD, PA—Officials investigating the tragic suicide of local man Thomas Ingraham told reporters Tuesday they have determined that the... more»

• Alternate Health Care Bills

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.10.10 | Infographic

  In response to President Obama's call for compromise, several lawmakers have concocted their own health care reform bills. Here are some... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.09.10 | Horoscope

• How Are We Protecting Our Valuables?

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.10.10 | Statshot

  

• 18-Year-Old Demands Right To Be Sexually Harrassed In Workplace

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.09.10 | Radio News

• Sea-Going Turtle Under Fire For Egg Abandonment

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.11.10 | Radio News

• Christian Rockers Deny Kicking Ass

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.14.10 | Radio News

• Local CVS Selling One Leather Jacket For Some Reason

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.09.10 | News in Photos

  

• Bandai Recalls Lady Gaga

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.12.10 | News in Photos

  

• Of Course Hair Stylist Remembers Gina

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.13.10 | News in Photos

  

• Do The New Tablets Own Up To The Hype?

  ISSUE 46•52 ISSUE 46•10 | 03.09.10 | Commentary

  When tablet computers first reared their heads in the '90s, they were quickly written off as low-powered machines that were kind of neat, but not... more»

• I Didn't Spend 6 Weeks In A Medical License Reinstatement Ethics Class To Have You Call Me 'Mister'

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.11.10 | Commentary

  It's tragic how people treat doctors in this day and age. The lack of respect for the education and training medical professionals go through,... more»

• Our 'NCIS' Spec Script Issue

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.12.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Stan Van Gundy Gives Players 'Dr. BBQ's Big-Time Barbecue Cookbook' To Read During Road Trip

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•10 | 03.12.10 | Sports News

  ORLANDO, FL—Continuing a tradition that stretches back to his early years with the Miami Heat, Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy routinely presents his players with classic barbecue cookbooks to inspire them and provide insights during road trips. more»

  

• 'She's Probably A Money-Hungry Liar,' Extremely Nervous Steelers Fans Report

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.12.10 | Sports News in Brief

  PITTSBURGH—In the wake of sexual assault allegations made against Ben Roethlisberger by a Georgia college student, nervous Steelers fans across the nation speculated that the supposed victim was most likely a conniving harpy... more»

  

• NHL, NASCAR To Punish Carl Edwards For Hit On Bruins' Marc Savard

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.13.10 | Sports News in Brief

  BOSTON—NASCAR and the National Hockey League announced Wednesday they would punish Sprint Cup driver Carl Edwards for hitting Boston center Marc Savard with his No. 99 Ford Fusion stock car late in the third period... more»

  

• Pretentious Selection Committee Member Thinks Only 6 Teams Deserve Spots In NCAA Tournament

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.15.10 | Sports News in Brief

  INDIANAPOLIS—Following hours of heated deliberation, pretentious selection committee member Doug Fullerton remained adamant Saturday that only six teams had truly earned a spot in the 2010 men's NCAA basketball tournament. more»

  

• Lazy Free Agent Wants To Try Out Over Phone

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.16.10 | Sports News in Brief

  CHARLOTTE, NC—In an effort to avoid physical exertion, strenuous activity, and standing up, slothful free agent Hollis Thomas told several NFL general managers Friday that he would prefer to try out for their teams over the phone. more»

  

• Musher Claims Free Agency Destroyed Chemistry Of Sled-Dog Team

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.17.10 | Sports News in Brief

  WILLOW, AK—Though originally favored to win the 2010 Iditarod by a large margin, musher Stefan Anderson's team has put in a mediocre performance up to this point, a result Anderson blames on flashy high-priced acquisitions on the sled-dog free-agent market. more»

  

• Legendary Athlete Splurges

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.12.10 | Sportsgraphic

  Julius Peppers signed a big Bears contract and bought pricey bottles of champagne for an entire nightclub, but it wasn't the biggest flashing of cash in sports history. more»

  

• Kevin Durant

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.12.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  In only his third year in the league, this Thunder forward is putting up LeBron James–like numbers. Is he any good? more»

  

• 'What The Fuck Am I Going To Do With This?' Obama Says While Holding Alabama Jersey

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.12.10 | Photo Finish

  

• Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.08.10 | Newsroom

  Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever. more»

  

• Boy’s Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python

  ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•10 | 03.11.10 | Today Now!

  Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son. more»

  

• 20% Of Teens Have High Cholesterol

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.08.10 | American Voices

  A study of American teens shows that one in five has unhealthy cholesterol levels. What do you think? more»

• Global Warming Skeptics Growing In Numbers

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.09.10 | American Voices

  Since 2008, the number of people who don't believe in global warming has doubled to 16 percent. What do you think? more»

• Wine May Help Women Moderate Weight

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.10.10 | American Voices

  In a long-term study that surveyed the drinking habits of 20,000 women, those who consumed moderate amounts of alcohol were more likely to keep their... more»

• Lohan Sues E*Trade Over TV Ad

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.11.10 | American Voices

  Actress Lindsay Lohan filed a lawsuit against the Internet brokerage E*Trade over a commercial featuring a talking baby named Lindsay who suffers... more»

• Massa Insinuates He Was Forced Out

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.12.10 | American Voices

  After resigning amidst allegations of sexual harassment, former Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY) told Larry King and Glenn Beck that he was targeted by the... more»

• On Championship Week

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.12.10 | Fan On The Street

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.08.10 | Slideshow

  

• freezing

  Snowvalanch warning

• Burn Notice

  USA

  10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

  Young lawyers navigate their first year at a prestigious L.A. law firm in what might actually be, come to think of it, ABC's The Deep End.

• High School

  Reed Jefferson married his high school sweetheart, Morgan Linley, on Saturday. They met four years ago, when he was a shop teacher and she was in ninth grade.

  

• Christian Filmmaker Thrown To Lion's Gate

• CLOVIS, NM—Rooting around in the garage for the stud finder, Vince Mendez stumbled on his old medical degree he’d totally forgotten about.

• Things That Are Probably Still Okay To Eat

  FOOD

  3 a.m. EST/2 a.m. CST

  Lunch meats—how shiny is too shiny? Plus, how much brown slimy carrot do we need to trim away?

• Garfield

  Dear The Onion,

  I missed the first 30 years of Garfield. Would you mind summarizing? Thanks.

  Sarah Weatherly, Lincoln, NE

• American Gladiators (ESPN Classic) 4 a.m. EDT/3 a.m. CDT

  The one where Nitro catches his face on the edge of the Eliminator ramp and you can tell from the editing that he's actually pretty hurt.

  

• Beth and Cory

  While visiting Minnetonka, MN last weekend, Beth Hall and Cory LeBlanc of Las Vegas, NV awoke with pounding headaches and slowly pieced together that they had wed each other on a whim the night before in a 120-guest traditional Lutheran wedding.

  

• CHARLOTTE, NC—During a routine cleaning of his wallet, Robert Donner finally threw out the "FM Magic Hits 96" card he’d had since 1983 because it’s not even good for 10 percent off a regular cut at MaxiCuts anymore.

• Man vs. Seagull

  NGC

  10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

  This week, an unemployed roofer is enters a battle of wits with a Home Depot parking-lot gull colony. To the victor go a cruller and a hot-dog bun.

• Exacerbating Problem Somehow Only Making It Worse

• Dan and Teri

  Dan Simes and Terri Schiflett eloped to Las Vegas without telling a soul, which worked out perfectly because no one would have cared or wanted to attend their wedding anyway.

  

• Goya (GOYA)

  $9.79 $2.00 (-17%) Although it is not uncommon among Latin American firms, markets still reacted negatively to news that a radical cannery laborer had seized control of the corporate headquarters, disbanded the board of directors, and declared himself chief financial officer for life.

• My Husband, John

  Dear The Onion,

  Coping with my husband's death has been very difficult for me; it would really help if you stopped printing articles with the word "John" in them.

  Mary Tomlinson, Newark, NJ

• BREAKING: Sen. Jim Bunning Going Mailbox-to-Mailbox Removing Unemployment Checks

• ATLANTA, GA—In a stroke of genius, Kevin Coffrin laid on his car horn while stuck on I-20, signaling his importance to surrounding drivers, who all immediately pulled aside and allowed him to pass effortlessly through the snarled traffic.

• Family vs. High School Reunion

  LIFETIME

  11 p.m. EST/10 p.m. CST

  A 28-year-old man must choose between spending an evening with his alcoholic parents questioning his career path, or with former schoolmates trying to explain how he gained so much weight.

• 'Son Of A Bitch,' Reports Man Who Just Realized He Purchased Unsalted Peanuts