Issue 4610

Lazy Free Agent Wants To Try Out Over Phone

CHARLOTTE, NC—In an effort to avoid physical exertion, strenuous activity, and standing up, slothful free agent Hollis Thomas told several NFL general managers Friday that he would prefer to try out for their teams over the phone.

Kevin Durant

In only his third year in the league, this Thunder forward is putting up LeBron James–like numbers. Is he any good?

Legendary Athlete Splurges

Julius Peppers signed a big Bears contract and bought pricey bottles of champagne for an entire nightclub, but it wasn't the biggest flashing of cash in sports history.

Couple Of Cool Guys Just Hanging Out

NEW YORK—Cool guys Shawn Goldstein, 26 (left) and Walt Traxel, 26 (right) just hang out Tuesday afternoon. Please check back in for updates as The Onion continues to follow this developing story.

Alternate Health Care Bills

In response to President Obama's call for compromise, several lawmakers have concocted their own health care reform bills. Here are some...

Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text

WASHINGTON—Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions of dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California were frozen in place, terrified by the sight of one long, unbroken string of English words unsure of what to do next.

Girl Welcomed To Womanhood With 4-Page Pamphlet

CLEARWATER, KS—"Cramps are a natural part of your new monthly visitor," a sentence halfway down the first page read, one of roughly a half dozen upbeat mentions of menstruation-related discomfort that greeted Vanessa McMillan as she reached her amazing milestone.
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Musher Claims Free Agency Destroyed Chemistry Of Sled-Dog Team

WILLOW, AK—Though originally favored to win the 2010 Iditarod by a large margin, musher Stefan Anderson's team has put in a mediocre performance up to this point, a result Anderson blames on flashy high-priced acquisitions on the sled-dog free-agent market. "We look great on paper, but these dogs aren't used to racing together," Anderson said. "The truth is, we got 10 lead dogs out there but no wheel dogs. Jammer's got talent, but his power style is never going to mesh with Milo's speed game. They have no chemistry. None whatsoever." Anderson would not deny a rumor that the team might sign 10-year Iditarod veteran Bronson for some much-needed leadership.


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