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Marijuana Use Triples Among Gary

• New College Graduates To Be Cryogenically Frozen Until Job Market Improves

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.15.10 | News

  WASHINGTON—Sponsors of the initiative said that with the national unemployment rate at just under 10 percent, it only made sense for young job-seekers to temporarily enter a state of supercooled stasis. more»

  

• Wise Council Of Elders Accuses Day Nurse Of Stealing Change

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.18.10 | News

  GLENS FALLS, NY—"No, not the Oriental nurse, the colored one," Hillside Assisted Living Center elder Tom Stansell said before shutting his eyes and somberly bowing his head in silence for the next 35 minutes. "Always telling me what to do. I have rights, you know." more»

  

• Sometimes, Area Woman Just Feels...

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.20.10 | News

  BELMONT, NH—"It's not anybody’s fault, honestly," said 28-year-old Megan Slota, standing in her kitchen and holding a mug of tea with both hands. "Sometimes I just get like this where it's like I'm not, I guess, whatever. We don’t have to get into it right now." more»

  

• Laser Pointer Aimed Toward Space In 1997 Finally Annoying Planet 13 Light-Years Away

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.15.10 | News in Brief

  ZORAXION CITY, IMPERIAL HOMEWORLD—A laser pointer directed at the night sky by a young human in 1997 has finally reached the home planet of... more»

• Obama Visits Kindergarten To Read Class 200-Page Memorandum On Health Care

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.16.10 | News in Brief

  MIAMI—As part of a new program designed to encourage reading, President Barack Obama visited a kindergarten class Monday to read the... more»

• Budweiser American Lager Purchased At Tavern

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.17.10 | News in Brief

  ST. LOUIS—An educated gentleman of discerning tastes entered a reputable public house Tuesday, whereupon he reportedly purchased a Budweiser... more»

• Report: Music Industry Made $18 In 2009

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.18.10 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—The Recording Industry Association of America announced Tuesday that the combined revenue brought in by Warner, Sony, EMI,... more»

• Local Neurotic To Undergo Invasive 32,000-Hour-Long Therapy Procedure

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.19.10 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Manhattanite Ted Friar, who has been battling chronic neuroses for more than 20 years, elected to undergo a highly invasive... more»

• Growing Number Of Americans Distrust Census

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.17.10 | Infographic

  Despite the fact that the 2010 Census form is the shortest in recent history, some anti-government activists are refusing to answer any question besides the number of people in their household. more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.16.10 | Horoscope

• What's Our Spring Cleaning Project?

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.17.10 | Statshot

  

• Exxon Paleontologists Call For Increased U.S. Fossil Production

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.16.10 | Radio News

• ACLU Defends Nazis' Right To Burn ACLU Headquarters

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.18.10 | Radio News

• First Baby Of 2010 Finally Born

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.20.10 | News in Photos

  

• I Wasn't Going To Buy This House Until I Saw The Realtor's Headshot On The Sign

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.16.10 | Commentary

  Buying a house is one of the biggest decisions a person can make, so when I set out to purchase my first home, I didn't take the matter lightly.... more»

• I'll Be Able To Get This Big Pot Of Chili Over To My Friend's House A Lot Quicker If I Put On My Roller Skates

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.17.10 | Commentary

  Done! A heaping, hearty 10-gallon pot of Rudy's Famous Five-Alarm Chili, simmered to perfection and all ready for the big party over at my friend... more»

• We Almost Go Inside The Mind Of Tim Burton But Then We Were Like 'Eh'

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.19.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• March 15, 2010

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.15.10 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Carmelo Anthony Called For Traveling Back In Time

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•11 | 03.19.10 | Sports News

  HOUSTON—Nugget's forward Carmelo Anthony made no secret of his displeasure with game officials Monday night after being whistled for a rarely called traveling-through-time foul late in the fourth quarter of Denver's 125-123 loss to the Rockets. more»

  

• Entire Nation Picks Same Bracket

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.19.10 | Sports News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Citizens across the United States have selected the exact same teams to win every single game of the NCAA Tournament, handing in millions of completely identical brackets, college-basketball-pool organizers reported Thursday. more»

  

• Newest Bronco Brady Quinn: 'The Brody Qualls Era Has Begun'

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.20.10 | Sports News in Brief

  DENVER—In the first of what is expected to be a long series of gaffes with his new team, quarterback Brady Quinn bungled a statement to Broncos coaches, players, and fans Tuesday by mistakenly declaring that the Brody Qualls era had begun in Denver. more»

  

• NIT Wrapped Up In About 5 Hours

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•11 | 03.22.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—The 32-team field of the 2010 NIT took a businesslike attitude toward getting the tournament over with Wednesday, with participants entering Madison Square Garden at noon, hitting the showers around 5 p.m., and wrapping up the tournament's 31 games in record time. more»

  

• NHL Holds Fan Attendance Night

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.24.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—In a promotion aimed at encouraging people who like hockey to come and watch teams play the sport, the NHL held its first-ever Fan Attendance Night on Tuesday. more»

  

• Study: Announcers Increasingly Able To Believe What They're Seeing

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.24.10 | Sports News in Brief

  ITHACA, NY—Over the past five years, sports announcers have displayed a marked increase in their ability to accept the evidence of their eyes... more»

  

• Athletes And Sexual Misadventure

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•11 | 03.19.10 | Sportsgraphic

  Tiger Woods' public apology for serial philandering reminds us how athletes have always found sex as problematic as it is easy for them to get. more»

  

• Merlin Olsen

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.19.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  As a defensive lineman, the late Merlin Olsen was a 14-time Pro Bowler; as an actor, he starred in Father Murphy. Was he any good? more»

  

• NBA Honors Latino Community By Using Spanish Word For 'The' On Jerseys

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•11 | 03.19.10 | Photo Finish

  

• Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He's A Shapeshifter'

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.18.10 | Today Now!

  Bestselling author Craig Wheedon stops by Today NOW! to urge ladies to face the truth and dump the shapeshifter. more»

  

• Kentucky Violated NCAA Rules While Recruiting Basketball-Playing Dog

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•11 | 03.15.10 | OSN Video Vault

  The NCAA will investigate the Kentucky program for major recruiting violations including improper gifts of milk bones and rope tug toys. more»

  

• Lesbian Teen Suing School Over Prom

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.15.10 | American Voices

  A Mississippi high school senior is filing suit against her local school board, which canceled its prom after she challenged its policy against... more»

• California Restaurant Busted For Serving Whale

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.16.10 | American Voices

  The head chef of a Santa Monica sushi restaurant was charged with serving the meat of the endangered sei whale. What do you think? more»

• Obama To Revamp 'No Child Left Behind'

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.17.10 | American Voices

  In his weekly radio address, President Obama announced plans to overhaul the previous administration's education policy. What do you think? more»

• Jackson Estate Signs $250 Million Deal With Sony

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.18.10 | American Voices

  Sony Music will pay the estate of Michael Jackson up to $250 million for the right to continue selling his back catalog and release as many as 10 new... more»

• Erectile Dysfunction Linked To Heart Disease Fatality

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.19.10 | American Voices

  German researchers have found that erectile dysfunction is a strong indicator that a man will die from heart disease. What do you think? more»

• On The Jets Signing LaDainian Tomlinson

  ISSUE 46•11 | 03.19.10 | Fan On The Street

• partlycloudy

  46%

• It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

  FX

  10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

  Mac realizes he's running late to a date and decides the best solution would be to murder everyone in his family, but everyone in Mac's family is trying to murder Mac because they don't like his haircut, so they just decide to stay a family instead.

• Phil Huston

  By being rude to performers at an open-mic night last Monday, asshole heckler Phil Huston gave audience members Joe Goffred and Mary Cimino something to talk about other than how bad their friend Mark was at guitar.

  

• Sam's Sports Column

  Sam McKenna's sports column in last week's issue should have been titled "Grand Sam" instead of "Sam Dunk." The Onion regrets the error.

• Iron Chef

  FOOD

  9 p.m. EST / 8 p.m. CST

  When a producer forgets to pick a secret ingredient for the week, the chefs must cook five dishes featuring Bagel Bites.

• Student Driver Clearly Copying Off Car In Front Of Him

• PLANO, TX—Two days into her flower-arrangement class, Bridgid Ryan, 26, decided she was the coolest person in class.

• Food City 500 at Bristol (Fox)

  1 p.m. EDT/12 p.m. CDT

  One of the drivers' cars is equipped with a missile, but no one—not even the drivers—knows which one.

  

• Bon Jovi

  David Bryan, Tico Torres, and Hugh McDonald continue to write and play music, despite being in the band Bon Jovi.

  

• Celebrity Shvitz

  FOX

  10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

  An emergency bathhouse meeting is called after it comes out that Eddie Mekka hasn't been using a towel when he sits on the porous redwood sauna benches.

• Financial Reform

  In yesterday's financial reform article on page 4B, we accidentally used too much ink in the accompanying photo of Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN). The Onion regrets the horrifying ghostly mirror image that was impressed upon the opposite page.

• Area Man’s Plea For Help ‘Liked’ By 6 Friends On Facebook

• MITCHELL, SD—Jenna Abeles spent an afternoon reordering the Sue Grafton novels on her bookshelf to spell out the name of her cat.

• Caitlin Woodruff

  During the middle of a violent cough on a crowded bus, Caitlin Woodruff decided to turn and cough on the guy who looked most like a child molester.

  

• Duke & Duke Commodities Brokers (DUKE)

  $2.73 $83.9 (-96.6%) Stock prices plummeted today as proprietors Mortimer and Randolph Duke, believing a fraudulent orange crop report to be authentic, incurred a $394 million loss from their purchase of frozen concentrated orange juice futures at inflated prices, and, in turn, subsidized the fortunes of two men—a former privileged investor and a onetime street hustler—whose fates they had cruelly reversed in a contemptible low-stakes wager.

• FORT BENTON, MT—Brad Jeffries has to choose between giving up his kite or waiting until the wind dies down sometime later this month.

• General Hospice

  ABC

  3 p.m. EDT/2 p.m. CDT

  Yet another smoldering illicit affair is cut short by the ever-present specter of renal failure.

• Localemic Only Throws Up Locally Grown Food