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Computer Company Started In Garage 30 Years Ago Now In Smaller Garage

• Report: $14 Trillion Spent Annually On Trying To Look Cool

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.23.10 | News

  WASHINGTON—A report  released Monday by the U.S. Department of Commerce revealed that Americans spend an astonishing $14 trillion a year on countless, usually failed attempts to look cool. more»

  

• Man Plans Special Weekend To Reaffirm Commitment To Xbox 360

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.25.10 | News

  HAGERSTOWN, MD—"It’s going to be really nice," the man said of the upcoming two-day, three-night living room getaway. "No distractions whatsoever. Just me and my Xbox 360. I'll probably even open up a few nice bottles of Arizona Iced Tea for the occasion." more»

  

• City Of Chicago To Modernize Outdated Graft Programs

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.27.10 | News

  CHICAGO—In an effort to streamline unethical practices and boost illegal profiteering, Mayor Richard M. Daley announced sweeping new plans Monday to overhaul his city's "antiquated" system of graft. more»

  

• World's Leading Entomologist Calls For Someone To Get It Off

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.22.10 | News in Brief

  RIVERSIDE, CA—Internationally renowned entomologist Professor Stanley Weber, noted for his work on the pheromone-release cycles of invasive insect species in North American flora... more»

• Good Night's Sleep Changes Nothing

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.23.10 | News in Brief

  FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Despite receiving a much-anticipated good night's rest, local man Arthur Baldwin awoke from eight uninterrupted hours of sleep Monday to the realization that he was still out of shape, lonely, and generally dissatisfied with his life. more»

• Man From Future Can't Stop Living In The Less-Far-Into-The-Future

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.24.10 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—Time-traveling neurotic Guy Axiom, more commonly known as "the Man from the Future," cannot stop living in the past, which to us, in the present, is also the future, but not quite as far into the future as the period Axiom hail... more»

• Asian Economic Woes Force Layoffs Of 700,000 Pop Stars

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.26.10 | News in Brief

  SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—In what is being called the worst development to hit the Asian pop star industry in years, the floundering economy forced several Pacific Rim nations to lay off some 700,000 pop stars this week, sources close to the young, perky e... more»

• Texas' New Textbooks

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.24.10 | Infographic

  Because of a belief that academia skews too far to the left, the Texas Board of Education voted 10 to 5 in favor of buying history and social studies textbooks that adhere to a more conservative ideology. Here are some of the changes they are mandating. more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 23, 2010

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.23.10 | Horoscope

  Aries The stars would love nothing more than to reveal your future this week, but unfortunately, they're just large luminous balls of plasma held together by gravity in space. Taurus You might be nervous and intimidate... more»

• What Are We Doing During Layovers?

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.24.10 | Statshot

  

• Biden Now A Purple Belt

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.23.10 | News in Photos

  

• Dog To Allow Child 3 More Yanks On Tail Before Putting An End To This

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.27.10 | News in Photos

  

• My Students Are Going About Making Fun Of That Tyler Kid All Wrong

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.23.10 | Commentary

  The students in my fourth-grade class are the most amazing group of kids you'll ever meet. Every day is an adventure with them. They're like these little sponges, ready to soak up as much knowledge as they possibly can, and as their teacher, I take pride in the fact that I let them grow at their own pace. more»

• What Your Doctor Isn't Telling You About Sammael, The Seducer And Destroyer

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.26.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• March 22, 2010

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.22.10 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Maple Syrup Is An Excellent Way To Enhance The Flavor Of Pancakes And Waffles vs. I Thought We Were Going To Talk About The Proliferation Of Nuclear Weapons

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.25.10 | Point/Counterpoint

  Point Maple Syrup Is An Excellent Way To Enhance The Flavor Of Pancakes And Waffles If there's one thing that almost anyone can agree on, it's that a good, thick maple syrup makes a great addition to any pancake or waffle breakfast. The experience of pok... more»

• NCAA Tournament Proving That Mid-Major Semi-Upper-Lower-Middle-Mids Should Be Taken Seriously

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.26.10 | Sports News

  INDIANAPOLIS—When Ali Farokhmanesh hit his game-winning shot to lift ninth-seed Northern Iowa over top-ranked Kansas last Saturday, it was a true Cinderella moment for the NCAA Tournament, a rare second-round knockout of a high-major opponent by a s... more»

  

• Cornell Drains Fun Out Of Cinderella Run By Explaining How On A Long Enough Timeline The Improbable Becomes Probable

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•12 | 03.25.10 | Sports News in Brief

  SYRACUSE, NY—Despite overcoming long odds as the lowest seed remaining in the NCAA... more»

  

• Robert Kraft On Tom Brady: 'I'd Prefer If He'd Stay For The Entire Night'

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.29.10 | Sports News in Brief

  FOXBOROUGH, MA—Patriots owner Robert Kraft told reporters Thursday that he would prefer it if Tom Brady would sleep by his side for the entire night instead of leaving before Kraft wakes up. more»

  

• NCAA To Strip Duke Of Its '08-'09 Losses

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•12 | 03.29.10 | Sports News in Brief

  DURHAM, NC—NCAA officials announced Wednesday that seven losses would be stricken from Duke's 2008-2009 season record, claiming they were forced to act after discovering evidence of dramatically meritorious behavior both on and off the court. more»

  

• Shots Of Indianapolis Skyline To Depress Nation During Final Four Broadcast

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.30.10 | Sports News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Shots of the Indianapolis skyline scheduled to air during the 2010 Final Four will be extremely depressing and will momentarily infuse viewers with a sense of overwhelming bleakness, the U.S. populace reported this week. more»

  

• Zydrunas Ilgauskas Figures He Must Be From Turkey Or Something

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.31.10 | Sports News in Brief

  CLEVELAND—In a locker room interview prior to his game against the Sacramento Kings Sunday, Cavaliers center Zydrunas Ilgauskas ruminated on his home country, guessing he might be from Romania or Croatia before finally concluding that he is probably from Turkey or someplace like that. more»

  

• Highlights Of The 2010 Iditarod

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.26.10 | Sportsgraphic

  Alaska's Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race is a 1,161-mile spectacle of human courage and canine fortitude, and the 2010 race was an exceptional example. more»

  

• John Wall

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.26.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  This Kentucky Wildcats freshman phenom is a multitalented point guard who's already generating a lot of speculation about his pro future. Is he any good? more»

  

• Cavaliers Unveil Mechashaq

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.26.10 | Photo Finish

  

• Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.22.10 | Newsroom

  Stouffers says the suicide prevention tips are available on all single serving microwavable dinners whether you enjoy veal parmigiana alone or beef stroganoff alone. more»

  

• Facebook More Popular Than Google

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.22.10 | American Voices

  For the first time ever, the social network Facebook had more weekly traffic than Google, making it the most popular site on the Internet. What do you think? more»

• Dogs Originated In Middle East

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.23.10 | American Voices

  Using genetic markers, researchers at the University of California, Los Angeles, have discovered that dogs were likely first domesticated from wolves in the Middle East. more»

• Chrysler To Release Electric Car

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.24.10 | American Voices

  Starting in 2012, struggling auto manufacturer Chrysler will produce an electric car, the Fiat 500 EV. more»

• Universal Slashes CD Prices

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.25.10 | American Voices

  Hoping to revive moribund sales, Universal Music Group is dropping the price of most new CDs to $10 or less. more»

• Last Supper Meals Getting Larger

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.26.10 | American Voices

  A study of 52 depictions of the Last Supper—the final meal Jesus ate with his disciples before he was crucified—found that food portions in the paintings have grown 69 percent over the past millennium. more»

• On Joe Mauer's $184 Million Contract Extension

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.26.10 | Fan On The Street

• Basketball

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.23.10 | Slideshow

  

• Lindsay Tan

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.24.10 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, I just love the articles written by columnist Lindsay Tan. Her expositions are enthralling, her adjective choices sublime, and her sentence structures flow smoothly before curling deliciously at their ends, just like the auburn tresses vis... more»

  

• Loose Greenbacks

  ISSUE 46•12 | 03.27.10 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, Included in this envelope is my subscription renewal check. You might also notice a few loose greenbacks—not sure how those got in there (wink, wink). Let's just say I won't object if I find a little extra news in my paper each day. ... more»

  

• tornado

  Hurricane-force pollen count