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Issue 4613

NBA To Start Charging Teams For Free Throws

NEW YORK—In an effort to increase the league's revenue and offset the expensive cost of foul shots, commissioner David Stern announced Monday that the NBA would begin charging teams a $50 fee per free throw attempt.

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

NBC 11:35 pm EDT/10:35 CDT STOP WRITING TO COMPLAIN. NBC IS A CORPORATION WHOSE PURPOSE IS TO MAKE MONEY. THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND. WE THOUGHT PEOPLE UNDERSTOOD THIS.

Chimp In Cocaine Study Starts Lying To Friends

ATLANTA—Early in the study, Bobo's elevated mood and excessive chattering made him quite popular among the other chimpanzees. But researchers claimed that his increased irritability, short temper, and absenteeism at the jungle gym did not go unnoticed.

Area Man Foolishly Entrusted With Genetic Code

PALO ALTO, CA—Despite his laziness, unreliability, and below-average intelligence, 34-year-old local resident Dylan Fonseca has been given full access to the human genetic code, appalled biologists told reporters Monday.

Mike Krzyzewski

Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski collected 800 wins, including three championships, while building one of the most successful basketball programs in the nation. Is Coach K any good?

Highlights Of UFC 111

The Ultimate Fighting Championship continued to rise in popularity last weekend with its latest intense display of mounting and submission.

Guess The Dress

WE TV 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT Sheila from Pittsburgh tries to pick which wedding gown her mother won't hate and which her father will be willing to pay for.

Everyone Outraged Catholic Priest Did That Thing Everyone Jokes About

WASHINGTON—Following revelations last week that priests in Wisconsin and Italy were responsible for molesting more than 250 young deaf boys, millions around the country expressed shock and outrage over the very thing they had been endlessly milking as a source of humor for the past 10 years.

Rich Guy Feeling Left Out Of Recession

WILTON, CT—"It's just not fair," said the 49-year-old real estate developer and grandson of oil baron Duncan Chandler. "Everyone is worrying about an uncertain future and coming together to express their outrage, and I don’t get to be a part of it."

Rescued Baby Bird Wearing Out Welcome

SAN JOSE, CA—The abandoned baby robin rescued by 7-year-old Todd Jeffries Friday morning has long since overstayed its welcome, Sycamore Drive sources reported.

Corgi Town

ABC 9:30 p.m. EDT/8:30 p.m. CDT Jules Cobb (Courteney Cox) comes to accept that it's not middle age but her 4-inch legs that are keeping her from reentering the dating scene.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 30, 2010

Aries What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do. Taurus It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-ea...

Beauty And The Handsome Guy

ABC 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT Penelope and Cody, both gorgeous, are forced to spend time with each other on a tropical island where every amenity is taken care of. Do these sexy people have a chance at love?
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Area Man Foolishly Entrusted With Genetic Code

PALO ALTO, CA—Despite his laziness, unreliability, and below-average intelligence, 34-year-old local resident Dylan Fonseca has been given full access to the human genetic code, appalled biologists told reporters Monday.

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