Issue 4615

Albert Pujols Sliding Into Everything After Learning To Slide

ST. LOUIS—Sources in the Cardinals organization confirmed Tuesday that, after completing private sliding lessons, Albert Pujols has been sliding feetfirst into equipment, open doorways, dirty laundry, teammates, dugouts, and anything else the three-time NL MVP can possibly slide into.

Opening Staff Rails Against Incompetence Of Closing Staff

ATHENS, GA—Citing a recent rash of barely mopped floors, sloppy register work, and general negligence, the opening staff of local restaurant Dom's issued a harsh proclamation this week, saying it would no longer endure the half-assed performance of the closing staff.

Sam Bradford

The Heisman-winning Oklahoma quarterback is widely regarded as the surest bet in a stacked 2010 draft. Is he any good?

Kitty Kelley Pens Oprah Tell-All

An unauthorized biography of Oprah Winfrey by Kitty Kelley, writer of controversial books on Elizabeth Taylor and Nancy Reagan, was published Tuesday. Here are some of the book's revelations:

Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 13, 2010

Aries Clear and direct communication is key to a successful marriage. Try ending all of your domestic exchanges with "Roger that, good buddy." Taurus Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wou...

New Six Flags Ride Based On Relationship With Deborah

VALENCIA, CA—"I can't decide if I hate the ride or myself for going on it," said one rider. "At one point I glanced over at the people on other coasters and they all looked so much happier. Maybe this is just the type of coaster I deserve."
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