DALLAS—"Mr. Biden has been given many, many chances to act in a responsible and respectful manner while enjoying the great food and fun that ...

CHICAGO—""Oh, yeah, definitely. The kid who barfed all over his desk," said a former fifth-grade classmate of yours, who can still instantly recall the ...

LOS ANGELES—Two-time Academy Award winner Tom Hanks, 53, once again invited a group of friends to his home and forced them to play a ...

HOMESTEAD, FL—Following a tour of the Everglades National Park, helicopter passenger Pete Palmissano reported that the trip was basically every bit as amazing as ...

WASHINGTON—With their legislative victory on health care last month, Democrats narrowed by one point the gap in their 150-year-long competition with Republicans, bringing the ...

CHEYENNE, WY—A gun introduced during the childhood of local resident Keith Johnson went off near the end of his life's third act Wednesday ...

VERTUS, FRANCE—In an effort to provide second-place finishers with a taste of the champagne enjoyed by true winners, vintner Duval-Leroy unveiled a new sparkling ...

KILLEEN, TX—Telling the assembled group of third-graders that they had to oil it down and tie it up real good, 38-year-old Killeen Kougars coach ...

A draft contract containing details about Sarah Palin's speaking fee and requirements was obtained by California State University, Stanislaus, students who claim they found ...

Aries The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in ...

NEW YORK—In what many are calling the greatest prank in the history of professional sports, an elaborate, far-reaching practical joke to trick Sam Bradford ...

NEW YORK—Law enforcement specialists who responded to reports of a ticking draft timer at Radio City Music Hall Thursday night are being praised for ...

NEW YORK—NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said Wednesday that Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will serve a six-game suspension and must attend mandatory counseling, partially for ...

OKLAHOMA CITY—Upon learning that Thunder star Kevin Durant's favorite book is the Bible, Dale Lowell, 36, told reporters Friday that he was "super ...

NEW YORK—The New York Yankees unveiled a new, lesser uniform at a press conference Tuesday in an effort to distinguish ordinary, run-of-the-mill Yankees from ...

ST. LOUIS—Despite a stellar complete-game effort against the Mets Sunday, Cardinals ace Adam Wainwright managed to irritate every player, coach, member of the media ...

Robert K. Cheruiyot set the new course record in this year's Boston Marathon, adding yet another chapter to the legend of this great road ...

The Colorado pitcher just pitched the first no-hitter in Rockies franchise history. Is he any good?

Movie-goers are flocking to buy advance tickets for the sequel, hoping to be among the first to see the rumored scene in which Paltrow gets ...

A plume of ash from an erupting volcano in Iceland halted most air travel in Great Britain and Western Europe this weekend.

The board of McDonald's has come out against a proposal that would require the restaurant to obtain 5 percent of its eggs from cage-free ...

After studying toads in a dry lake bed in Italy, a British doctoral candidate discovered that toad behavior may be an indicator of earthquakes.

Kal Penn, the actor who played Kumar in Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle, was robbed at gunpoint in Washington, D.C.

An estimated 15,000 people turned up at the Illinois state Capitol and called for higher taxes to prevent significant budget cuts.

Dear The Onion, I absolutely have to wake up tomorrow by 6 a.m., but don't trust my alarm clock. Could you publish something ...

Dear The Onion, Please settle a debate between my husband and me—he thinks your paper is terrific, and I think it's terrible. Who ...