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Obama Promoted To Senior Vice President Of American Affairs

• FBI Uncovers Plot To 'Sex And The City 2'

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.27.10 | News

  WASHINGTON—Unless preemptive steps are taken against the romantic-comedy plot, Americans will likely face a barrage of highly orchestrated puns, over-indulgent displays of fashion, and several rounds of Samantha droning on about her most recent sexual exploit. more»

  

• Pickup Truck Stoled

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.29.10 | News

  LOGANSPORT, IN—Police said this ain’t the first time by a long shot a truck been stoled round these parts past few months.   In July, Doug Hensley had his half-ton dually took from the Hardee’s parking lot, even though he weren’t in there but for 15 minutes. more»

  

• Geologists: 'We May Be Slowly Running Out Of Rocks'

  ISSUE 46•17 | 05.01.10 | News

  RALEIGH, NC—A coalition of geologists are challenging the way we look at global stone reserves, claiming that, unless smarter methods of preservation are developed, mankind will eventually run out of rocks. more»

  

• Man At Very Top Of Food Chain Chooses Bugles

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.26.10 | News in Brief

  SOUTH BEND, IN—Despite having no natural enemies and belonging to a species that completely dominates its ecosystem, local IT manager Reggie Atkinson opted to consume the processed corn snack Bugles Monday. more»

• Thing In Cave Not Finished With Eric Yet

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.27.10 | News in Brief

  WETHERILL MESA, CO—Two minutes of tense silence punctuated by a sound words can't even describe led onlookers to believe Tuesday that the thing in the cave—whatever it is—was not through with Eric just yet. more»

• Senate Bully Forces Legislators To Repeatedly Pass 'We Are Huge Homos' Bill

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.28.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—S. 4781, otherwise known as the We're All a Bunch of Huge Homos Act, was unanimously passed for the ninth consecutive time after pressure Thursday from Senate bully Rob Antonelli (R-NJ). more»

• God Shuts Down Andromeda Galaxy

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.29.10 | News in Brief

  INNER DISK, ANDROMEDA GALAXY—Thanking the spiral-shaped celestial body for its 6.8 billion years of tireless service, Our Lord and Divine Creator announced Thursday His "very difficult decision" to close down the Andromeda galaxy for good. more»

• Money Spent For Old Time's Sake

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.30.10 | News in Brief

  BROCKWAY, PA—Harkening back to an abandoned custom that had long existed only in memory, 28-year-old unemployed graphic designer Leslie Gordon exchanged currency for physical goods at a local shopping establishment Friday. more»

• Green Day's 'American Idiot' Musical Opens

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.28.10 | Infographic

  A stage adaptation of Green Day's 2004 album American Idiot opened on Broadway last week. more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 27, 2010

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.27.10 | Horoscope

  Aries Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing 63 employees./li> Taurus You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps cha... more»

• What Night Courses Are We Taking?

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.28.10 | Statshot

  

• God Proclaims Raspberries 'Now Even More Berrilicious'

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.26.10 | Radio News

• Collectible-Plate Industry Calls For Tragic Death Of Barbra Streisand

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.27.10 | Radio News

• Man On Couch Reports Dwindling Supply Of Chips

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.28.10 | Radio News

• Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter 'Worth The Wait' For Christian Newlyweds

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.29.10 | Radio News

• Bausch & Lomb Introduces Line Of Aviator Contacts

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.27.10 | News in Photos

  

• Bearded Lady Cleans Up Real Nice

  ISSUE 46•17 | 05.01.10 | News in Photos

  

• No Parent Should Ever Have To Bury His Child Alive

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.29.10 | Commentary

  The whole thing just seems like a terrible, terrible dream. One minute you're watching your little boy blow out the candles on his birthday cake, and the next minute, there you are, carrying his little flailing body out to the hole you've dug in the backyard. more»

• Our 3D Punctuation Issue

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.30.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• April 26, 2010

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.26.10 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Bill Belichick Drops Off Recent Draft Picks In Middle Of Nowhere, Tells Them To Find Way Back

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•17 | 04.30.10 | Sports News

  UNNAMED DESERT—After providing his 2010 draft picks with only two canteens of water, a flashlight, and a cheap compass, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick dumped his 12 newest players in the middle of a desert wasteland Tuesday and told ... more»

  

• Player Drafted At Linebacker To Start At Realtor

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.30.10 | Sports News in Brief

  OAKLAND, CA—The Raiders organization welcomed sixth-round draft choice Travis Goethel Wednesday and said the Arizona State linebacker would more than likely be asked to start as a Bay-area Realtor by the beginning of next season. more»

• NCAA Tournament Expands To However Many Teams Honestly Feel They Should Be In NCAA Tournament

  ISSUE 46•17 | 05.01.10 | Sports News in Brief

  INDIANAPOLIS—The NCAA Board of Directors made the decision Wednesday to expand its men's basketball tournament to however many teams "really and truly believe" they ought to be involved. more»

• Utah Fans Concerned As Jazz Break Huddle By Shouting 'Kill The Mormons'

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•17 | 05.03.10 | Sports News in Brief

  SALT LAKE CITY—An uneasy sense of anxiety overtook the crowd at EnergySolutions Arena Sunday as fans watched a pumped-up Jazz team break their pregame huddle by chanting, "One, two, three—kill the Mormons!" "Normally this team i... more»

• Tony Gwynn Mentioned 72 Times During Guided Tour Of Padres Stadium

  ISSUE 46•17 | 05.04.10 | Sports News in Brief

  SAN DIEGO—Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn's name was uttered 72 times and indirectly referenced on another 36 instances during a guided tour of Petco Park, sources reported Tuesday. more»

• PNC Park Sold Out For 'Fan Euthanasia Night'

  ISSUE 46•17 | 05.05.10 | Sports News in Brief

  PITTSBURGH—PNC Park boasted a rare sellout crowd Tuesday when more than 38,000 eager Pirates fans showed up for "Fan Euthanasia Night," during which each attendee was guaranteed "the sweet release of a quick and painless death" c... more»

• Getting Through Allergy Season

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.27.10 | Tips

  While for most people, spring means life and rebirth, for allergy sufferers, the excess of pollen in the air means watery eyes and runny noses. more»

  

• Roethlisberger's Promise To Change

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.30.10 | Sportsgraphic

  Following accusations of sexual assault and his NFL suspension, contrite quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has vowed to mend his ways. more»

  

• Ryan Howard

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.30.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  This veteran Phillies slugger just received a $125 million contract extension. Is he any good? more»

  

• Showboating Horse High-Steps Last 20 Yards Of Kentucky Derby

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.30.10 | Photo Finish

  

• Live Feed: Obama Attends The White House Maintenance Staff Annual Dinner

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.29.10 | O-SPAN

  Live O-SPAN coverage of the 75th annual dinner with a special awards presentation to the crew who tirelessly buffed every inch of the White House State Floor this past winter. more»

  

• Jockey Liam Hollins The Favorite To Brutally Whip Horse To Kentucky Derby Win

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•17 | 04.26.10 | OSN Video Vault

  Fresh from his Blue Grass Stakes win, Hollins moves onto the Kentucky Derby where he hopes to be the first to mercilessly beat a horse across the finish line. more»

  

• 'South Park' Creators Threatened By Extremists

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.26.10 | American Voices

  In response to a South Park episode in which the Prophet Muhammad appears in a bear costume, the radical Muslim website Revolutionmuslim.com hinted that the TV show’s creators would end up like murdered Dutch filmmaker Theo Van Gogh. more»

• 'Archie' Gets A Gay Character

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.27.10 | American Voices

  A gay student named Kevin will be introduced this September in an issue of Veronica, part of the Archie Comics franchise. more»

• Stephen Hawking Warns Of Aliens

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.28.10 | American Voices

  In a new documentary, celebrity physicist Stephen Hawking says that while there are almost certainly other life forms in the universe, we should avoid contact with them lest they decide to strip our planet of its resources. more»

• Oil Slick May Hit Coast This Weekend

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.29.10 | American Voices

  Following the explosion of a BP offshore drilling rig, 45,000 gallons of oil are pumping into the Gulf of Mexico each day, and the slick may hit the U.S. more»

• Crist Dumps Republicans

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.30.10 | American Voices

  After losing ground to his Republican opponent in the Republican primary, Florida governor Charlie Crist announced yesterday that he would be running for the U.S. more»

• Katie Holmes To Play Jackie Kennedy

  ISSUE 46•17 | 05.03.10 | American Voices

  Actress Katie Holmes will portray former first lady Jacqueline Kennedy in a TV miniseries about the life of John F. more»

• On Usain Bolt's Breathtaking 8.79-second 4x100 Anchor Leg At The Penn Relays

  ISSUE 46•17 | 04.30.10 | Fan On The Street

• Environment

  ISSUE 46•17 | 05.04.10 | Slideshow

  

• Energy

  ISSUE 46•17 | 05.18.10 | Slideshow

  

• storm

  Lightning drops