PITTSBURGH—PNC Park boasted a rare sellout crowd Tuesday when more than 38,000 eager Pirates fans showed up for "Fan Euthanasia Night," during which each attendee was guaranteed "the sweet release of a quick and painless death" c...
RALEIGH, NC—A coalition of geologists are challenging the way we look at global stone reserves, claiming that, unless smarter methods of preservation are developed, mankind will eventually run out of rocks.
OAKLAND, CA—The Raiders organization welcomed sixth-round draft choice Travis Goethel Wednesday and said the Arizona State linebacker would more than likely be asked to start as a Bay-area Realtor by the beginning of next season.
BROCKWAY, PA—Harkening back to an abandoned custom that had long existed only in memory, 28-year-old unemployed graphic designer Leslie Gordon exchanged currency for physical goods at a local shopping establishment Friday.
The whole thing just seems like a terrible, terrible dream. One minute you're watching your little boy blow out the candles on his birthday cake, and the next minute, there you are, carrying his little flailing body out to the hole you've dug in the backyard.
INNER DISK, ANDROMEDA GALAXY—Thanking the spiral-shaped celestial body for its 6.8 billion years of tireless service, Our Lord and Divine Creator announced Thursday His "very difficult decision" to close down the Andromeda galaxy for good.
LOGANSPORT, IN—Police said this ain’t the first time by a long shot a truck been stoled round these parts past few months. In July, Doug Hensley had his half-ton dually took from the Hardee’s parking lot, even though he weren’t in there but for 15 minutes.
WASHINGTON—Unless preemptive steps are taken against the romantic-comedy plot, Americans will likely face a barrage of highly orchestrated puns, over-indulgent displays of fashion, and several rounds of Samantha droning on about her most recent sexual exploit.
WETHERILL MESA, CO—Two minutes of tense silence punctuated by a sound words can't even describe led onlookers to believe Tuesday that the thing in the cave—whatever it is—was not through with Eric just yet.
Aries Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing 63 employees./li> Taurus You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps cha...
SOUTH BEND, IN—Despite having no natural enemies and belonging to a species that completely dominates its ecosystem, local IT manager Reggie Atkinson opted to consume the processed corn snack Bugles Monday.
WASHINGTON—"When you become president, you always hope that something might open up at National before your term is out," said Obama, who as SVPAA will now have matching 401(k) contributions, free access to the executive gym, and an annual bonus that includes a percentage of GDP.
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Staring down in shock and turning pale, the host of Wednesday night’s $700 million Powerball lottery reportedly muttered to herself in utter horror after the randomized drawing produced an entirely unmarked, pitch-black ball.
PAOLI, PA—Worried that people will be staring at him everywhere he went, 45-year-old Harold Brauner was reportedly self-conscious and embarrassed Wednesday by the sudden, unexpected changes his body was going through.
NEW YORK—In candid excerpts released Wednesday from her forthcoming memoir ‘What Happened,’ Hillary Clinton reflects on her unsuccessful 2016 presidential bid, revealing to readers, “We all made mistakes, but you made most of them.”