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Issue 4617

PNC Park Sold Out For 'Fan Euthanasia Night'

PITTSBURGH—PNC Park boasted a rare sellout crowd Tuesday when more than 38,000 eager Pirates fans showed up for "Fan Euthanasia Night," during which each attendee was guaranteed "the sweet release of a quick and painless death" c...

Player Drafted At Linebacker To Start At Realtor

OAKLAND, CA—The Raiders organization welcomed sixth-round draft choice Travis Goethel Wednesday and said the Arizona State linebacker would more than likely be asked to start as a Bay-area Realtor by the beginning of next season.

Money Spent For Old Time's Sake

BROCKWAY, PA—Harkening back to an abandoned custom that had long existed only in memory, 28-year-old unemployed graphic designer Leslie Gordon exchanged currency for physical goods at a local shopping establishment Friday.

Crist Dumps Republicans

After losing ground to his Republican opponent in the Republican primary, Florida governor Charlie Crist announced yesterday that he would be running for the U.S.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Comedy

Energy

Sunken Oil Tanker Will Be Habitat For Marine Life, Shell Executives Say With Straight Face
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SOLOPEC Nations Warn Sun's Output May Fall Short Of Demand
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Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet
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China Celebrates Its Status As World’s Number One Air Polluter
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U.S. Ice Cubes Melting At Alarming Rate
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Green-Conscious GE Develops Hybrid Lightbulb
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Prohibitively High Rocket-Fuel Prices Bring Mideast Crisis To Standstill
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New Anger-Powered Cars May Revolutionize The Way We Drive
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Oil Executives March On D.C.
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Massive Tag Body Spray Slick Spreading From Jersey Shore
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