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Issue 4617

PNC Park Sold Out For 'Fan Euthanasia Night'

PITTSBURGH—PNC Park boasted a rare sellout crowd Tuesday when more than 38,000 eager Pirates fans showed up for "Fan Euthanasia Night," during which each attendee was guaranteed "the sweet release of a quick and painless death" c...

Player Drafted At Linebacker To Start At Realtor

OAKLAND, CA—The Raiders organization welcomed sixth-round draft choice Travis Goethel Wednesday and said the Arizona State linebacker would more than likely be asked to start as a Bay-area Realtor by the beginning of next season.

Money Spent For Old Time's Sake

BROCKWAY, PA—Harkening back to an abandoned custom that had long existed only in memory, 28-year-old unemployed graphic designer Leslie Gordon exchanged currency for physical goods at a local shopping establishment Friday.

Ryan Howard

This veteran Phillies slugger just received a $125 million contract extension. Is he any good?

No Parent Should Ever Have To Bury His Child Alive

The whole thing just seems like a terrible, terrible dream. One minute you're watching your little boy blow out the candles on his birthday cake, and the next minute, there you are, carrying his little flailing body out to the hole you've dug in the backyard.

God Shuts Down Andromeda Galaxy

INNER DISK, ANDROMEDA GALAXY—Thanking the spiral-shaped celestial body for its 6.8 billion years of tireless service, Our Lord and Divine Creator announced Thursday His "very difficult decision" to close down the Andromeda galaxy for good.

Pickup Truck Stoled

LOGANSPORT, IN—Police said this ain’t the first time by a long shot a truck been stoled round these parts past few months.   In July, Doug Hensley had his half-ton dually took from the Hardee’s parking lot, even though he weren’t in there but for 15 minutes.

FBI Uncovers Plot To 'Sex And The City 2'

WASHINGTON—Unless preemptive steps are taken against the romantic-comedy plot, Americans will likely face a barrage of highly orchestrated puns, over-indulgent displays of fashion, and several rounds of Samantha droning on about her most recent sexual exploit.

Getting Through Allergy Season

While for most people, spring means life and rebirth, for allergy sufferers, the excess of pollen in the air means watery eyes and runny noses.

Thing In Cave Not Finished With Eric Yet

WETHERILL MESA, CO—Two minutes of tense silence punctuated by a sound words can't even describe led onlookers to believe Tuesday that the thing in the cave—whatever it is—was not through with Eric just yet.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 27, 2010

Aries Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing 63 employees./li> Taurus You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps cha...

Man At Very Top Of Food Chain Chooses Bugles

SOUTH BEND, IN—Despite having no natural enemies and belonging to a species that completely dominates its ecosystem, local IT manager Reggie Atkinson opted to consume the processed corn snack Bugles Monday.

Obama Promoted To Senior Vice President Of American Affairs

WASHINGTON—"When you become president, you always hope that something might open up at National before your term is out," said Obama, who as SVPAA will now have matching 401(k) contributions, free access to the executive gym, and an annual bonus that includes a percentage of GDP.
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.