WASHINGTON—"I don't know what kind of bullshit passes for jurisprudence down in the 4th Circuit these days," Justice Thomas wrote, "but those pricks ...

WASHINGTON—The crackdown follows the 2010 bonus season, during which not one CEO was observed to look at the floor meekly, sink his hands into ...

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The musician, who was once married to the dancer before divorcing three years ago amid scandal over an Internet sexual intercourse tape, recently ...

PHILADELPHIA—Pacing angrily behind Independence Hall, historical actor and Thomas Jefferson impersonator Tim Blodgett, 48, loudly reenacted the legendary cell phone shouting match between the ...

WASHINGTON—Sending a strong message that airborne spores would no longer be tolerated in America's trees, weeds, or grass, members of the itchy and ...

BOSTON—Father Clancy Donahue of St. Michael Catholic Church told reporters Wednesday that while he believed in blindly adhering to the dogma and ceremonies of ...

WASHINGTON—A Commerce Department report released Wednesday found that while there is stuff out there for 150 and even 100 bucks, any of the good ...

CHICAGO—Firefighters at the 111th Ladder Company stared in wide-eyed wonder Monday as local 3-year-old Jeffrey Sturges quickly pedaled past their station house on his ...

The Securities and Exchange Commission's lawsuit against Goldman Sachs is revealing a cavalier culture in which the firm invested recklessly and bet against its ...

Aries It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into ...

BOWLING GREEN, KY—Claiming that "today's more active athlete needs better protection for his, well, come on, you know," sports equipment manufacturer Russell Athletic ...

CLEVELAND—Cavaliers forward LeBron James railed against the harsh conditions of referee camps in the developing world Wednesday, calling attention to the plight of millions ...

BOSTON—During a postgame press conference Sunday, Celtics star Paul Pierce told reporters that he does not like having the ball in his hands with ...

PHILADELPHIA—Phillies manager Charlie Manuel announced Thursday that a bruise specialist from the Johns Hopkins Hospital's contusion trauma center was brought in to examine ...

MILWAUKEE—Saying that he has been wondering about its taste for quite some time, Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder was witnessed putting small clumps of ...

WAYNE, NJ—Thirty-six-year-old Ian Althoff, a self-professed casual baseball fan, purchased a fitted New York Yankees baseball cap Monday for the retail price of $33 ...

For decades it's been assumed that making the cover of Sports Illustrated equals bad luck.

In this classic Strongside/Weakside we celebrate a team player who embodied basketball's defensive mindset. Was he any good?

This spring on the Onion News Network '08 Presidential candidate and unabashed straight-shooter Joad Cressbeckler returns to tackle today's toughest issues. America's Goin ...

A Hollywood insider since childhood, Barrymore finally reveals all in her new 42-page autobiographical coloring book. 

Organizers say until there is absolute acceptance of breastfeeding, nursing moms must vigilantly expose their swollen, milk-sodden breasts everywhere from community cookouts to the local ...

The Pakistani Taliban claimed responsibility on an Islamist website for a car bomb that failed to detonate in Times Square this weekend.

Sixteen years after the Navy began allowing women to serve on surface ships, the U.S.

A new study reveals that 43 percent of adults who suffer from depression smoke, and that depressed people are less inclined to quit than other ...

A study by the Queensland Brain Institute in Australia showed that young adults who had smoked marijuana for at least six years were twice as ...

Dear The Onion, Is America turning into a communist country? And if so, how do I apply for a job at the tractor factory? Thanks ...

Dear The Onion, I have four grand saved up! Charlie, Columbus, OH