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Issue 4619

Nuggets Tell Dying George Karl They Made NBA Finals

DENVER—During a visit to his coach's deathbed at Denver Presbyterian Hospital on Wednesday, Nuggets All-Star Carmelo Anthony told a barely conscious, cancer-ridden George Karl that their team, which was eliminated during the first round...

Dallas Braden

A few weeks after becoming embroiled in a mound-crossing feud with Alex Rodriguez, Braden pitched the 19th perfect game in MLB history. Is he any good?

All This Tea Party Talk Is Making Me Thirsty!

Hello, hello, loyal readers! Say, have you guys seen this new show on TV? The one with all the animals running around, screaming at one another, and generally causing a ruckus? No, it's not on Discovery Channel or Animal Planet. I'm talking about CNN!

Study Reveals Dolphins Lack Capacity To Mock Celebrity Culture

GALVESTON, TX—"Given their intelligence, we believed dolphins would be capable of trashing Lady Gaga, or at least, succeed in rolling their eyes at Kendra Wilkinson’s post-baby weight gain," said a scientist. "Instead, all we observed were blank, snarkless stares."

Angry A-Rod Man Pitches Perfect Game

OAKLAND—Twenty-six year old Oakland Athletics pitcher Angry A-Rod Man threw the 19th perfect game in Major League history Sunday, striking out six and retiring 27 out of 27 Tampa Bay Rays batters.

Jupiter's Liberals Worried About Their Ammonia Footprint

GREAT RED SPOT, JUPITER—Alarmed by the growing quantities of harmful nitrides in their planet's atmosphere, Jupiter's liberals are encouraging their fellow sentient ammonia-helium tornado beings to take measures to reduce their ammonia footprint.

EPA: Stubborn Environment Refusing To Meet Civilization Halfway

WASHINGTON—The EPA called most of the environment’s day-to-day processes rude and inconsiderate, like its over-reliance on "perfectly clean soil" for sustainable growth, and its continual inability to act in good faith and adapt to rising carbon dioxide levels.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 11, 2010

Aries Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping. Taurus After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you've decided...
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.