• 1996
• 1997
• 1998
• 1999
• 2000
• 2001
• 2002
• 2003
• 2004
• 2005
• 2006
• 2007
• 2008
• 2009
• 2010
• 2011
• 2012

• <<
• 05.17.10 |
• 05.24.10 |
• 05.31.10 |
• 06.07.10 |
• 06.13.10 |
• 06.21.10 |
• 06.28.10 |
• 07.05.10 |
• 07.11.10 |
• 07.19.10 |
• 07.26.10
• >>

Heckled Christian Rock Band Knows How Jesus Felt

• Report: Majority Of Government Doesn't Trust Citizens Either

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.19.10 | News

  WASHINGTON—According to the poll—which surveyed members of the judicial, legislative, and executive branches—9 out of 10 government officials re ported feeling "disillusioned" by the populace and claimed to have "completely lost confidence" in the citizenry's ability to act in the nation’s best interests. more»

  

• New Social Networking Site Changing The Way Oh, Christ, Forget It

  ISSUE 46•52 ISSUE 46•20 | 05.20.10 | News

  NEW YORK—While millions of young, tech-savvy professionals already use services like Facebook and Twitter to keep in constant touch with friends, a new social networking platform called Foursquare has recently taken the oh, fucking hell, can't some other desperate news outlet cover this crap instead? more»

  

• Deranged Gunman Opens Fire On Shooting Range

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.22.10 | News

  SAN ANTONIO—After a brief exchange with the gun range manager, the remorseless gunman purchased a box of ammunition, showed two pieces of ID, signed in, walked to stall No. 17, and at once began his crazed shooting spree. more»

  

• Woman Constantly Treating Herself For Once

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.17.10 | News in Brief

  RICHMOND, VA—After making it through her 63rd consecutive longest week ever, project manager Maureen Peltier decided on Friday to once again† treat herself to the kind of pampering everybody needs to indulge in from time to time. more»

• New Study Confirms Humans Only Use 10% Of Genitalia

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.18.10 | News in Brief

  BOSTON—A surprising new study published in The New England Journal Of Medicine this week has revealed that human beings only use 10 percent of their genitalia at any given time. more»

• Local Child Has Run-Of-The-Mill Imagination

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.19.10 | News in Brief

  PORTLAND, OR—According to sources in his home and school, the inner fantasy life of 6-year-old Connor Haney is not at all unique or vibrant. more»

• Nation's Bicyclists Remove Helmets For Head Injury Month

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.20.10 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO—In celebration of concussions, cerebral contusions, and other forms of blunt head trauma, bicyclists across the country removed their protective helmets Monday for National Head Injury Month. more»

• The Pill Turns 50

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.19.10 | Infographic

  This month marks the 50th anniversary of the U.S. government's approval of the birth control pill. Here are some of the ways the pill has helped change women's lives: more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 18, 2010

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.18.10 | Horoscope

  Aries The presence of Jupiter in your fourth house indicates newfound personal maturity. The presence of empty pizza boxes in your first apartment, however, suggests otherwise. Taurus Remember: Love is more than just fee... more»

• What Are We Burying Under Our Sheds?

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.18.10 | Statshot

  

• New Study Shows Progress Made By Broads

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.17.10 | Radio News

• U.S. Mayo Reserves Are Running Out

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.18.10 | Radio News

• Inner-City Stabbing Leaves 5 Maidless

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.20.10 | Radio News

• Millions Of Shrimp Airlifted From Oil Spill Disaster Zone

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.18.10 | News in Photos

  

• Justice Stevens Retires To Spend More Time Dying In Front Of Family

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.22.10 | News in Photos

  

• If We Don't Stop Childhood Obesity, Our Fat Toddlers Could Become Fat Fucks

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.18.10 | Commentary

  Today, America is facing an unprecedented crisis, and what's at stake is nothing less than the health of our children, and with it, the future of our country. more»

• When You Get Older You Learn To Appreciate The Moments When You're Not Skittering Away

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.20.10 | Commentary

  No roach's life is easy. The time a Periplaneta americana specimen such as myself is allotted on this earth is brief, yet how do we spend most of that time? more»

• Ecollectualism, Femmigration, Evangelitism: We Combine Arbitrarily Paired Buzzwords And Comment On Them As Social Phenomena

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.21.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• May 17, 2010

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.17.10 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Fluid Just Happy To Have Had Opportunity To Build Up In Kobe Bryant's Knee

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•20 | 05.21.10 | Sports News

  LOS ANGELES—Calling the experience "a true honor" and "the opportunity of a lifetime," the infected synovial fluid recently drained from Kobe Bryant's right knee told reporters Monday that there is no other basketball player it w... more»

  

• Nation Just Finding Out That Flyers Came Back From 3-0 Deficit By Reading This Right Now

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•20 | 05.21.10 | Sports News in Brief

  BOSTON—The Philadelphia Flyers came back from three games down to defeat the Boston Bruins in their best-of-seven playoff series last week, a historic feat neither you nor the rest of the country knew about until reading this. more»

• LeBron's Next Team

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.21.10 | Sportsgraphic

  In scant weeks, LeBron James will be the most desirable free agent in recent memory. Where will basketball's biggest catch choose to go? more»

  

• Steve Nash

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.21.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  The Suns average significantly more points when their seasoned point guard is on the court. Is he any good? more»

  

• LeBron James Photoshopped Into Cavaliers Jersey For Some Reason

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.21.10 | Photo Finish

  

• Congressmen Submit Emergency 3 AM Bill Demanding IHOP Stay Open All Night

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.27.10 | O-SPAN

  The bipartisan group of representatives who submitted the emergency bill late last night say they stand by it, though they don't completely remember all of the details. more»

  

• National Dog Bite Prevention Week Begins

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.17.10 | American Voices

  This week is National Dog Bite Prevention Week, which aims to reduce the 4.5 million dog bites that occur in the United States every year. more»

• Scientist Claims Aliens Hijacked Probe

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.18.10 | American Voices

  A German scientist told the newspaper Bild that the reason transmissions from deep space probe Voyager 2 changed last month is because the craft has been taken over by aliens. more»

• YouTube Turns 5

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.19.10 | American Voices

  Video sharing website YouTube turned five on Monday. more»

• Microsoft Overhauling Hotmail

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.20.10 | American Voices

  Software giant Microsoft is planning a significant upgrade to its web-based e-mail portal Hotmail. more»

• Food Allergies Overdiagnosed

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.21.10 | American Voices

  A new report from the federal government shows that many people who think they have food allergies actually do not. more»

• On Top Stars Ovechkin And Crosby Already Being Eliminated From The NHL Playoffs

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.21.10 | Fan On The Street

• Hot New Parenting Tips

  ISSUE 46•20 | 05.19.10 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, Thank you for your article "Hot New Parenting Tips." My son has already begun to behave much better after only two nights of me staring at him in his sleep while I wear a wolf mask. Mary Grill, Marble Falls, TX more»

• New Google Phone Service Whispers Targeted Ads Directly Into Users' Ears

  ISSUE 46•52 ISSUE 46•20 | 05.17.10 | Tech Trends

  The new feature reduces Google phone users' cell phone costs while providing them with unobtrusive, personalized ads delivered in a friendly whisper. more»

  

• tornado

  Playful, hair-tousling tornadoes