Congressmen Submit Emergency 3 AM Bill Demanding IHOP Stay Open All Night

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Issue 4620

Deranged Gunman Opens Fire On Shooting Range

SAN ANTONIO—After a brief exchange with the gun range manager, the remorseless gunman purchased a box of ammunition, showed two pieces of ID, signed in, walked to stall No. 17, and at once began his crazed shooting spree.

Steve Nash

The Suns average significantly more points when their seasoned point guard is on the court. Is he any good?

LeBron's Next Team

In scant weeks, LeBron James will be the most desirable free agent in recent memory. Where will basketball's biggest catch choose to go?

The Pill Turns 50

This month marks the 50th anniversary of the U.S. government's approval of the birth control pill. Here are some of the ways the pill has helped change women's lives:

Report: Majority Of Government Doesn't Trust Citizens Either

WASHINGTON—According to the poll—which surveyed members of the judicial, legislative, and executive branches—9 out of 10 government officials re ported feeling "disillusioned" by the populace and claimed to have "completely lost confidence" in the citizenry's ability to act in the nation’s best interests.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 18, 2010

Aries The presence of Jupiter in your fourth house indicates newfound personal maturity. The presence of empty pizza boxes in your first apartment, however, suggests otherwise. Taurus Remember: Love is more than just fee...

Woman Constantly Treating Herself For Once

RICHMOND, VA—After making it through her 63rd consecutive longest week ever, project manager Maureen Peltier decided on Friday to once again† treat herself to the kind of pampering everybody needs to indulge in from time to time.

Heckled Christian Rock Band Knows How Jesus Felt

COLUMBIA, MO—After walking off stage to a chorus of boos, threats, and obscenities, local Christian rock band Enter the Kingdom told reporters Friday that they now knew exactly how Jesus felt when he was persecuted.
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Congressmen Submit Emergency 3 AM Bill Demanding IHOP Stay Open All Night

The bipartisan group of representatives who submitted the emergency bill late last night say they stand by it, though they don't completely remember all of the details.