WASHINGTON—"For crimes of great arrogance and cheek, His Idiocy the White House Jester has been sentenced to a swift demise," said White House Press ...

SCHAUMBURG, IL—In an ultimately futile act some have described as courageous and others have called a mere postponing of the inevitable, existentialist firefighter James ...

ATLANTA—"It's like everything had shifted," Eric Phipps said. "All of a sudden, I was stopping by his cubicle to ask about his woodworking ...

NEW YORK—Desperate fans of the recently concluded television series Lost are speculating that the program is continuing on in a parallel dimension somewhere, and ...

LOS ANGELES—In a tone usually reserved only for life-threatening circumstances, a fully grown man repeatedly raised his voice Monday in order to intimidate another ...

PAULDING, OH—Shattering the previous record by nearly six full years, area toddler Myles Palmer realized this week that his father was not in fact ...

PALO ALTO, CA— All 1,472 employees of Facebook, Inc. reportedly burst out in uncontrollable laughter Wednesday following Albuquerque resident Jason Herrick's attempts to ...

LONDON—Embattled BP officials assured the public Thursday that despite the setbacks of the past month, the company was still "fiercely committed" to remaining an ...

DES MOINES, IA—Belying its dull and unimpressive appearance, a pigeon shall, in a matter of moments, summon the power of flight, and climb ever ...

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Three months after a 7.0 earthquake rocked the impoverished island nation of Haiti, 36-year-old Brad Halder visited its demolished capital to see ...

When Mexican president Felipe Calderón spoke at the White House last week, the translation his office provided was grammatically incorrect and riddled with errors ...

Aries Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country. Taurus Despite your ...

Dear Man's Thoughts During A Moment Of Silence For Our Troops, It's summertime and you know what that means: Mosquitoes are back! They ...

WASHINGTON—President of the United States, basketball fan, and former Chicago resident Barack Obama once again weighed in on the future of LeBron James Wednesday ...

NEW YORK—In a stunning revelation that has sent shockwaves through the baseball world, Howard Bryant's recently published biography, The Last Hero: The Life ...

SAN JOSE, CA—Baffled members of the Chicago Blackhawks reportedly scrutinized San Jose's logo Tuesday in an attempt to determine some logical reason as ...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Citing the need to cut travel and promotional costs while still providing a top-notch racing experience for fans, NASCAR president Mike Helton announced ...

COLUMBUS, OH—Local resident Thomas Pickford, 43, suffered breaks in his right pisiform, scaphoid, and lunate carpals; two separate fractures of the coronoid process; and ...

NEW YORK—NHL accountant Stuart Peterson informed commissioner Gary Bettman early Friday that the cash-strapped league desperately needed to raise $5,000 in the next ...

NEW YORK—According to the nation's sportscasters, a Los Angeles Lakers–Boston Celtics matchup in the NBA Finals will give analysts the chance to ...

CLEVELAND—In response to his recent firing, former Cavaliers head coach Mike Brown said at a press conference Wednesday that he was unfairly singled out ...

BRISTOL, CT—To write her recent profile detailing Milton Bradley's attempt to find peace within himself in Seattle, ESPN senior writer Elizabeth Merrill simply ...

NEW YORK—The bidding war over the 2010 FIFA World Cup continues to rage between television networks, with multimillion-dollar sums being offered for the rights ...

Since buying the New Jersey Nets, Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov has become a media fascination. Onion Sports takes a closer look at the man.

Onion Sports breaks down the key elements of the 2010 Stanley Cup.

Constitutional debate continues over whether public schools should include biblical Armageddon alongside global warming in end-of-world curriculum.

A new kind of centrifuge that may be able to remove oil from water at rates of up to 200 gallons per minute has been ...

Shrek Forever After, the latest installment in the animated children's franchise, grossed nearly $50 million less in its opening weekend than its predecessor.

Following a report that blamed North Korea for torpedoing a South Korean warship, Washington announced it would conduct joint naval exercises with Seoul.

Saying it might help people who were undeserving, Republican congressmen spoke out against a proposed health care program for rescue workers who responded to the ...