Issue 4622 - 05.31.2010 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Adderall Receives Honorary Degree From Harvard

CAMBRIDGE, MA—"Harvard is proud to honor the tremendous merits of Adderall, without which many of you would not be sitting here today," Faust said in her opening address to the nearly 1,900 unblinking and intensely focused students receiving their diplomas.

…

New Eco-Friendly Cigarettes Kill Destructive Human Beings Over Time

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.01.10 | News

RICHMOND, VA—Executives at Philip Morris USA this week unveiled Marlboro Earth, a new eco-friendly cigarette that gradually eliminates the causes of global warming and environmental destruction at their source. more»
Children Of All Ages Delighted By Enslavement Of Topsy The Elephant

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.02.10 | News

TUCSON, AZ—"He's such a funny happy elephant," said 8-year-old Madison Helms, referring to the abused creature that spends the majority of his time chained up in a cramped, feces-covered enclosure. "He loves being in the circus!" more»
Last Time Sources Checked This Still America

ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 46•22 | 06.05.10 | News

WASHINGTON—All across the country, from Maine to Mississippi, sources confirmed this week that last time they checked this was still America, and would remain America, like it or not. more»
Amazing Original Thing To Become Hated Cliché In 6 Months

ISSUE 46•22 | 05.31.10 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—An extremely clever and creative new thing will amuse the world for two and a half weeks in June, become passé by mid-September, and wind up as a trite and infuriating cliché by Christmas, sources said Monday. more»
Ant Colony Comes To Halt After Death Of Popular Worker

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.01.10 | News in Brief

OLD BRIDGE, NJ—The transportation of nourishing bread crumbs came to an abrupt halt Thursday morning when ant colony 000082567KLN00067X collectively paused to remember the life of veteran worker FL77542PM4. more»
Man Pledges Loyalty To Brand In Quiet Convenience Store Ceremony

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.02.10 | News in Brief

REDMOND, OR—In an intimate ceremony witnessed by close friends and Circle K employees, area consumer Bryce Tompkins affirmed his undying devotion to the Pepsi family of beverages Sunday in a moving 45-second ritual officiated by weekend cashier Kirs... more»
Mitt Romney Announces He's Running For His Life

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.03.10 | News in Brief

LOS ANGELES—Darting across the set of The Tonight Show to enthusiastic applause, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney announced Tuesday that he was running for his life. more»
Disney Employee Arrested In Insider-Trading Scandal

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.02.10 | Infographic

The secretary for Disney's head of corporate communications was arrested for attempting to sell business secrets—including a rumored sale of ABC—for the purposes of insider trading. more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 1, 2010

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.01.10 | Horoscope

AriesYou'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain. Taurus After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people... more»
Most Popular Commencement Addresses

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.02.10 | Statshot
Hubble Space Telescope Destroyed By Spielberg-Gates Space Fortress

ISSUE 46•22 | 05.30.10 | Radio News
U.S. Fat Reserves Full

ISSUE 46•22 | 05.31.10 | Radio News
Nightlight Fails To Stop Monster

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.01.10 | Radio News
U.S. To Offer Platinum-Plus Citizenship

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.03.10 | Radio News
Hang-Glider Gang Terrorizes Elderly Hot-Air-Ballooning Couple

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.01.10 | News in Photos
Gulf Of Mexico Inducted Into OPEC

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.05.10 | News in Photos
Sandy, I Wrote This Op-Ed About Reducing American Dependency On Foreign Oil Just For You

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.01.10 | Commentary

We've grappled with the problem for decades. more»
The Man We Know Only As The Homunculus Has Defected To Us

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.03.10 | Commentary

Ah, pardon me, gentlemen, for interrupting your weekly briefing. more»
The Great White Shark: What To Know Before You Adopt

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.04.10 | Sunday Magazine
Nation's Soccer Fan Becoming Insufferable

ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•22 | 06.04.10 | Sports News

WILMINGTON, DE—As the 2010 World Cup approaches, friends, family, and coworkers of 32-year-old Brad Janovich are growing less tolerant of the exuberant behavior of the United States' lone soccer fan. "Who's got World Cup fever?" Janovich a... more»
NHL: 'Anybody Want Free Tickets To The Stanley Cup Finals?'

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.04.10 | Sports News in Brief

PHILADELPHIA—In a desperate attempt to increase attendance at postseason games, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman announced Monday that the league was offering free Stanley Cup Finals tickets to anybody willing to take them. more»
Nation Undecided On Whether It Hates Celtics Or Lakers More

ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•22 | 06.05.10 | Sports News in Brief

WASHINGTON—The NBA Finals have thrown the nation's basketball fans into a state of angry confusion this week, as the bitter debate over whether they despise the Celtics or Lakers more rages on. more»
Fans Of High-Pitched Pinging Sounds Tune In For College World Series

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.07.10 | Sports News in Brief

OMAHA, NE—With the NCAA baseball regionals underway, fans of high-pitched pinging tones are already anticipating an exciting and auditorially rich College World Series. more»
Joe Montana To Lose One Super Bowl Ring For Every Dumb Product He Endorses

ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•22 | 06.08.10 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—After years of sitting idly by as Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Montana lent his name to Tombstone frozen pizza, McCormick spices and marinades, and now Skechers Shape-ups, a frustrated NFL announced yesterday that from now on Montana will f... more»
Carlos Zambrano's Refusal To Leave Game Enters 5th Hour

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.09.10 | Sports News in Brief

PITTSBURGH—At press time, Cubs manager Lou Piniella's attempt to remove starting pitcher Carlos Zambrano from tonight's game against the Pittsburgh Pirates had entered its fifth hour, with Zambrano refusing to be replaced by left-handed relief pitch... more»
Great Moments In The Lakers-Celtics Rivalry

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.04.10 | Sportsgraphic

The 2010 NBA Finals will feature the most storied rivalry in professional basketball. We take look at everything these legendary teams have shared. more»
Rajon Rondo

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.04.10 | Strongside/Weakside

The Celtics point guard has been the surprise of the playoffs, eclipsing even his three superstar teammates. Is he any good? more»
World Cup Organizers Suddenly Realize They Made Ball 500 Times Too Large

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.04.10 | Photo Finish
Tennis Guy Wins Tennis Again

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.06.10 | Photo Finish
Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.03.10 | Today Now!

Jim and Tracy welcome fallen firefighter Logan Norelli's wife on Today NOW! for a special tribute to a true American hero and total smokin' hottie. more»
Obama Skipping Memorial Day Ceremony

ISSUE 46•22 | 05.31.10 | American Voices

President Obama has angered critics with his decision to vacation in Chicago over Memorial Day and let the vice president lay the traditional wreath at Arlington National Cemetery. more»
Talking Head Suing Florida Governor

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.01.10 | American Voices

Musician David Byrne is suing Florida governor and U.S. more»
Fergie Was Drunk During Sting

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.02.10 | American Voices

Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, admitted she was broke and had been drinking when she accepted a cash down payment of $40,000 in an attempt to sell access to her former husband, Prince Andrew. more»
Gores Split

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.03.10 | American Voices

Former vice president Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, are separating after 40 years of marriage. more»
Longest Hypersonic Flight Test Conducted

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.04.10 | American Voices

In a test of the X-51A jet last week, it reached speeds of mach 5 for over three minutes, the longest hypersonic flight by a factor of ten. more»
On Indy 500's Declining Popularity

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.04.10 | Fan On The Street
Whatever happened to Steve Snow of Cumberland, MD?

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.02.10 | Letters To The Editor

Dear The Onion, Whatever happened to Steve Snow of Cumberland, MD? He wrote you that one note and then nothing for two years. Keith Holcomb, Waco, TX more»
Parallel Universes

ISSUE 46•22 | 06.05.10 | Letters To The Editor

Dear The Onion, Isn't it cool that in one of the infinite parallel universes that exist alongside our own, you're writing a letter to me! Jake Albertson, Philadelphia more»
storm

The storm before the calm before the storm

storm

Featured Issues

Onion News Network On IFC »

Facebook