RICHMOND, VA—Executives at Philip Morris USA this week unveiled Marlboro Earth, a new eco-friendly cigarette that gradually eliminates the causes of global warming and ...

TUCSON, AZ—"He's such a funny happy elephant," said 8-year-old Madison Helms, referring to the abused creature that spends the majority of his time ...

WASHINGTON—All across the country, from Maine to Mississippi, sources confirmed this week that last time they checked this was still America, and would remain ...

NEW YORK—An extremely clever and creative new thing will amuse the world for two and a half weeks in June, become passé by mid-September ...

OLD BRIDGE, NJ—The transportation of nourishing bread crumbs came to an abrupt halt Thursday morning when ant colony 000082567KLN00067X collectively paused to remember the ...

REDMOND, OR—In an intimate ceremony witnessed by close friends and Circle K employees, area consumer Bryce Tompkins affirmed his undying devotion to the Pepsi ...

LOS ANGELES—Darting across the set of The Tonight Show to enthusiastic applause, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney announced Tuesday that he was running for ...

The secretary for Disney's head of corporate communications was arrested for attempting to sell business secrets—including a rumored sale of ABC—for the ...

AriesYou'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your ...

WILMINGTON, DE—As the 2010 World Cup approaches, friends, family, and coworkers of 32-year-old Brad Janovich are growing less tolerant of the exuberant behavior of ...

PHILADELPHIA—In a desperate attempt to increase attendance at postseason games, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman announced Monday that the league was offering free Stanley Cup ...

WASHINGTON—The NBA Finals have thrown the nation's basketball fans into a state of angry confusion this week, as the bitter debate over whether ...

OMAHA, NE—With the NCAA baseball regionals underway, fans of high-pitched pinging tones are already anticipating an exciting and auditorially rich College World Series.

NEW YORK—After years of sitting idly by as Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Montana lent his name to Tombstone frozen pizza, McCormick spices and ...

PITTSBURGH—At press time, Cubs manager Lou Piniella's attempt to remove starting pitcher Carlos Zambrano from tonight's game against the Pittsburgh Pirates had ...

The 2010 NBA Finals will feature the most storied rivalry in professional basketball. We take look at everything these legendary teams have shared.

The Celtics point guard has been the surprise of the playoffs, eclipsing even his three superstar teammates. Is he any good?

Jim and Tracy welcome fallen firefighter Logan Norelli's wife on Today NOW! for a special tribute to a true American hero and total smokin ...

President Obama has angered critics with his decision to vacation in Chicago over Memorial Day and let the vice president lay the traditional wreath at ...

Musician David Byrne is suing Florida governor and U.S.

Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, admitted she was broke and had been drinking when she accepted a cash down payment of $40,000 in ...

Former vice president Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, are separating after 40 years of marriage.

In a test of the X-51A jet last week, it reached speeds of mach 5 for over three minutes, the longest hypersonic flight by a ...

Dear The Onion, Whatever happened to Steve Snow of Cumberland, MD? He wrote you that one note and then nothing for two years. Keith Holcomb ...

Dear The Onion, Isn't it cool that in one of the infinite parallel universes that exist alongside our own, you're writing a letter ...