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Massive Flow Of Bullshit Continues To Gush From BP Headquarters

• Obama To Make Reassuring Eye Contact With Every Last American

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.09.10 | News

  ROCKLAND, ME—In an attempt to convince an anxious populace that his progressive legislative agenda is working and that everything is going to be all right, President Barack Obama embarked on a 50-state, 30,000-town tour Monday during which he plans to gaze assuredly into the eyes of each American citizen, one at a time. more»

  

• Local Manhattan Boy Makes Good

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.10.10 | News

  NEW YORK—"It makes me proud to see someone from the neighborhood doing so well for himself," said neighbor Janette Friedman, who remembers when Carson was just a small 8-year-old boy, waiting in the marble foyer of their apartment complex each morning for a livery car to take him all the way up to the Dalton School. "I always knew he was headed for big things." more»

  

• Seashells Transform Suburban Bathroom Into Tropical Hideaway

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.12.10 | News

  WOODMERE, OH—"It's like a little island getaway right in my very own home," said Dale Watson, surrounded now by towering palm trees and beautiful white sand beaches where once only a shower mat and curtain had existed. "This is the way life is meant to be. I feel like I should be eating grilled mahimahi right now." more»

  

• Group Cheers After Group Hears Group's Name Called

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.07.10 | News in Brief

  HAVERFORD, PA—A group attending an event cheered in unison Thursday after a man with a microphone called out the group's name. more»

• Archaeologists: Egyptian Pyramids Actually Early Attempt At Camping

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.08.10 | News in Brief

  CAIRO—Once shrouded in mystery, the pyramids of Giza are now believed to be the earliest known attempt at camping out, a team of archeologists reported Monday. more»

• Ventriloquist Dummy Crosses Line In Suggesting Partner Is Actual Dummy

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.09.10 | News in Brief

  STAMFORD, CT—In a breach of decorum never before seen in the history of the noble art, a ventriloquist's dummy named Chesterfield shocked onlookers this past Friday by referring to his partner, Professor Eugene Krebsen, as "the real dummy.... more»

• Heartfelt Apology Robs Man Of Cherished Grudge

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.10.10 | News in Brief

  CASPER, WY—A powerful, enduring grudge was ruined for local resident Roger Chilton Saturday following a profoundly earnest plea for forgiveness from longtime friend Peter Scotto. more»

• Physicist Brings In Particle From Home He's Been Meaning To Accelerate

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.11.10 | News in Brief

  BATAVIA, IL—Hoping to use his office's high-energy synchrotron particle accelerator for a "real quick" personal project, physicist Neil Lippmann reportedly brought in a proton from home Wednesday that he had been meaning to collide agains... more»

• Is The Economy Bouncing Back?

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.09.10 | Infographic

  Pending home sales hit a six-month high in April, and in May, General Motors sales rose 16.6 percent. more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 8, 2010

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.08.10 | Horoscope

  AriesThe throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period. Taurus The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should p... more»

• What Are We Hanging On Our Refrigerators?

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.09.10 | Statshot

  

• Rubenesque Woman Has Picassoesque Face

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.07.10 | Radio News

• United Nations Condemns Inhumane Tourist Traps

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.08.10 | Radio News

• Bra Training Complete

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.08.10 | News in Photos

  

• Animals Keeping Impending Earthquake To Selves

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.12.10 | News in Photos

  

• It's Feet Like This That Remind Me Why I Got Into Geriatric Podiatry

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.08.10 | Commentary

  I'm not going to lie: I was getting bored. more»

• Rywanda Think She So Goddamn Smart Ever Since Graduating From Fourth Grade

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.10.10 | Commentary

  Shit. Telling me I don't know my five times eight and shit. So now that Rywanda graduating the fourth grade, she think she better? Uh-uh. I don't need my daughter disrespecting me, like I don't work all damn day at the Stop 'N Save so I can buy her cell phone minutes. more»

• Is This The New Face Of Jazz Or Getty Images Stock Photo #LS008662?

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.11.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Most Thrilling Playoffs In Recent Memory Unfortunately Happen In Hockey

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•23 | 06.11.10 | Sports News in Brief

  PHILADELPHIA—The most riveting, nail-biting, and story-laden playoff series in the past several years of professional sports had the misfortune of reaching its amazing overtime finish in the sport of hockey Wednesday night, as the Blackhawks defeate... more»

• Somali Pirates Make Off With Moses Mabhida Stadium

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.12.10 | Sports News in Brief

  DURBAN, SOUTH AFRICA—Several World Cup matches will be rescheduled following the Friday afternoon theft of Moses Mabhida Stadium by Somali pirates, who used chains attached to a makeshift flotilla of armed skiffs to tow the arena through Durban Bay ... more»

• Nike, Adidas Favorites In World Cup Final

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.14.10 | Sports News in Brief

  JOHANNESBURG—As the first round of World Cup matches conclude, analysts have said that despite several dramatic and valiant displays from underdogs, traditional soccer juggernauts Nike and Adidas are still the favorites to reach the World Cup final. more»

• Rookie Strasburg Begins Hazing Nationals Veterans

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.15.10 | Sports News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Though Nationals rookie Stephen Strasburg has only played in two major league games, the right-handed phenom has asserted his dominance in the clubhouse by hazing his veteran teammates, eyebrow-lacking sources confirmed Thursday. more»

• Cubs Organ Player Getting Into Heavier, Darker Stuff

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.16.10 | Sports News in Brief

  CHICAGO—Over the past several weeks, longtime Cubs organist Gary Pressy has gradually stopped playing the light ballpark-organ riffs that typically fill Wrigley Field's stands in favor of more broody, chilling songs. more»

• 2010 World Cup Teams To Watch

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.11.10 | Sportsgraphic

  While Brazil and Argentina seem to grab all the attention, the field is as interesting as it is deep. Onion Sports points out the keys for each national side. more»

  

• Landon Donovan

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.11.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  Donovan is the heart, soul, brains, and pretty much the whole right flank of the U.S. World Cup team. Is he any good? more»

  

• Rajon Rondo, Paul Pierce Realize They're Wearing Same Headband

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•23 | 06.11.10 | Photo Finish

  

• Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism?

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.10.10 | In The Know

  A troubling national report finds an increasing number of parents have found strange pipes, herbs, and other implements of shamanic activity in their teenagers' bedrooms. more»

  

• Boston Globe Tailors Print Edition For Three Remaining Subscribers

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.07.10 | Newsroom

  The paper says the new personalized articles target the interests of Massachusetts residents and final three Globe readers Michael Fisher, Camille Kresge, and Buddy. more»

  

• American Cigarettes More Carcinogenic

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.07.10 | American Voices

  A study by the Centers for Disease Control found that compared to foreign brands, cigarettes made in the United States have three times the amount of cancer-causing nitrosamines. more»

• Kellogg Cereal Inflates Health Claims

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.08.10 | American Voices

  The Federal Trade Commission is taking issue with Kellogg's assertion that its Rice Krispies cereal helps support children's immune systems. more»

• BP Buys Search Terms

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.09.10 | American Voices

  BP paid Yahoo! more»

• Original Warhol On The Moon?

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.10.10 | American Voices

  Columbia University historian and host of the PBS series History Detectives Gwen Wright says that six miniature sketches on ceramic created by the likes of Robert Rauschenberg and Andy Warhol were hidden on board the Apollo 12 lunar lander. more»

• Big Cats Lured By Obsession

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.11.10 | American Voices

  In studying the amount of time two cheetahs interacted with different colognes, the general curator of the Bronx Zoo found that the cats showed a preference for Calvin Klein's Obsession for Men. more»

• On Ken Griffey, Jr. Retiring

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.11.10 | Fan On The Street

• The Onion Sports Introduction To World Cup Soccer

  ISSUE 46•23 | 06.11.10 | Interactive Feature Large

  The 2010 FIFA World Cup is underway and millions have been swept up in an unfamiliar sport. Because there's so much more to the game than not using one's hands, Onion Sports presents an interactive visual guide for the new soccer fan. more»

  

• pouring_rain

  Payback For Last Week's Nice Weather