Rookie Strasburg Begins Hazing Nationals Veterans

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Issue 4623

Nike, Adidas Favorites In World Cup Final

JOHANNESBURG—As the first round of World Cup matches conclude, analysts have said that despite several dramatic and valiant displays from underdogs, traditional soccer juggernauts Nike and Adidas are still the favorites to reach the World Cup final.

Somali Pirates Make Off With Moses Mabhida Stadium

DURBAN, SOUTH AFRICA—Several World Cup matches will be rescheduled following the Friday afternoon theft of Moses Mabhida Stadium by Somali pirates, who used chains attached to a makeshift flotilla of armed skiffs to tow the arena through Durban Bay ...

Seashells Transform Suburban Bathroom Into Tropical Hideaway

WOODMERE, OH—"It's like a little island getaway right in my very own home," said Dale Watson, surrounded now by towering palm trees and beautiful white sand beaches where once only a shower mat and curtain had existed. "This is the way life is meant to be. I feel like I should be eating grilled mahimahi right now."

Landon Donovan

Donovan is the heart, soul, brains, and pretty much the whole right flank of the U.S. World Cup team. Is he any good?

2010 World Cup Teams To Watch

While Brazil and Argentina seem to grab all the attention, the field is as interesting as it is deep. Onion Sports points out the keys for each national side.

The Onion Sports Introduction To World Cup Soccer

The 2010 FIFA World Cup is underway and millions have been swept up in an unfamiliar sport. Because there's so much more to the game than not using one's hands, Onion Sports presents an interactive visual guide for the new soccer fan.

Local Manhattan Boy Makes Good

NEW YORK—"It makes me proud to see someone from the neighborhood doing so well for himself," said neighbor Janette Friedman, who remembers when Carson was just a small 8-year-old boy, waiting in the marble foyer of their apartment complex each morning for a livery car to take him all the way up to the Dalton School. "I always knew he was headed for big things."

Obama To Make Reassuring Eye Contact With Every Last American

ROCKLAND, ME—In an attempt to convince an anxious populace that his progressive legislative agenda is working and that everything is going to be all right, President Barack Obama embarked on a 50-state, 30,000-town tour Monday during which he plans to gaze assuredly into the eyes of each American citizen, one at a time.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 8, 2010

AriesThe throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period. Taurus The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should p...

Massive Flow Of Bullshit Continues To Gush From BP Headquarters

LONDON—The crude and toxic bullshit, which began to spew from the mouths of BP executives shortly after the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig in April, has completely devastated the Gulf region, delaying clean-up efforts, and endangering the lives of all nearby wildlife.
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Rookie Strasburg Begins Hazing Nationals Veterans

WASHINGTON—Though Nationals rookie Stephen Strasburg has only played in two major league games, the right-handed phenom has asserted his dominance in the clubhouse by hazing his veteran teammates, eyebrow-lacking sources confirmed Thursday. "He took my jockstrap and put Icy Hot around the edges of it," said Nationals pitcher and 15-year veteran Livan Hernandez, adding that the rookie had made the team run naked from the Capitol Building to the Washington Monument the previous night. "If we get mad at the hazing, he slaps your stomach really hard in the shower. And then your stomach gets all red." At press time, Strasburg was psyching out his teammates by sitting at his locker with a demented smile on his face while turning an electric hair clipper on and off.