ATLANTA—In a sudden, unscheduled announcement Tuesday, officials from the Centers for Disease Control revealed that they were giving away free ice cream, had enough ...

CHICAGO—Americans from coast-to-coast agree Heineken's latest ad, which features a variety of demographically diverse 21- to 35-year-old men and women drinking Heinekens at ...

NORTH PACIFIC OCEAN—"We really appreciate all you've done for us, but now you need to let us die," intoned a 170-ton blue whale ...

NEW YORK—In a desperate effort to find a trendy new fantasy subgenre to succeed the ebbing vampire craze, Razorbill Books executive Graham Childress decided ...

EMERYVILLE, CA—According to sources within Pixar Studios, all new employees were required Monday to view an adorable eight-minute animated short about sexual harassment that ...

LONDON—At a press conference Tuesday, 89-year-old Rose Biggin, a grandmother from the Camden Town neighborhood of North London, announced that she was in fact ...

CHICAGO—According to sources huddled by the window, there are currently, like, six or seven cop cars parked right outside that building across the street ...

The New York apartment President Barack Obama inhabited while he was a student at Columbia University is available for rent at $1,900 a month ...

Aries Like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, so too will you frighten a number of small children playing inside that ball pit. Taurus ...

JOHANNESBURG—Members of the South Africa Vuvuzela Philharmonic Orchestra, widely considered to be among the best large-scale monotonic wind instrument ensembles in the world, told ...

PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Overcome by problems in his personal life, an inability to get his golf game in order, and his foundering public image, Tiger ...

PEBBLE BEACH, CA—In an effort to show appreciation for his Father's Day gift, Phil Mickelson, participating in the final round of the U ...

VERONA, WI—Though he knew before his office's team took the field that his aging, out-of-shape body was at risk of physical injury, limping ...

MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to preserve the running back's aggressive fumbling style, Vikings coach Brad Childress announced Monday that the training staff would not ...

BRISTOL, CT—According to NBA analysts, speculation about where LeBron James might play next season could end when the Cavaliers MVP signs a contract with ...

The NCAA says Reggie Bush took cash while playing for the Trojans, but that was hardly the only thing that came to light during its ...

On Today Now!, 87-year-old Beverly DeAngeles gives tips for trapping a census worker in your home for as long as possible.

Plagued for years by swirling rumors about its sexuality, soccer has finally come out, becoming the world's first openly gay sport.

The big-budget, multi-writer remake of the ’80s TV series The A-Team opened in the No.

Democratic candidate Alvin Greene is refusing to drop out of the South Carolina’s U.S.

The United States has discovered nearly $1 trillion in mineral deposits, including copper, iron, and lithium, in Afghanistan.

On Sunday, after 86 years in print, comics page mainstay Annie—a strip about a little redheaded orphan and her dog Sandy—ran in newspapers ...

A Japanese spacecraft to an asteroid deployed seven years ago returned home on Sunday, possibly carrying the first extraterrestrial rock sample since the moon landings.

Dear The Onion, Thanks so much for the inspirational story about William Hines, the ordinary man who defused an elevator bomb, because I am also ...

Dear The Onion, How do you know if you've been emasculated? My mom says I am but I'm not sure. Skip Hannigan, Gainesville ...