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Candidate May Have Lied About Heroic Death In Vietnam

• CDC Officials Announce Free Ice Cream For Everyone, Delicious Tasty Ice Cream, And Also There Is An Ebola Outbreak

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.15.10 | News

  ATLANTA—In a sudden, unscheduled announcement Tuesday, officials from the Centers for Disease Control revealed that they were giving away free ice cream, had enough of the frozen dessert for everyone, and that, by the way, there had also been an outbreak of the deadly Ebola virus in the United States. more»

  

• Nation Agrees Latest Heineken Commercial Is Coolest Thing Ever

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.17.10 | News

  CHICAGO—Americans from coast-to-coast agree Heineken's latest ad, which features a variety of demographically diverse 21- to 35-year-old men and women drinking Heinekens at a bar, is the best thing that has been broadcast, ever. more»

  

• Suffering Blue Whales Plead With Environmentalists To Let Them Go Extinct Already

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.19.10 | News

  NORTH PACIFIC OCEAN—"We really appreciate all you've done for us, but now you need to let us die," intoned a 170-ton blue whale through a series of deep and mournful vocalizations. "I swallowed two plastic coolers, a tire, and about a hundred gallons of oil this morning. Is that any way to live?" more»

  

• 'Minotaurs The New Vampires' Says Publishing Executive Desperate To Find New Vampires

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.14.10 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—In a desperate effort to find a trendy new fantasy subgenre to succeed the ebbing vampire craze, Razorbill Books executive Graham Childress decided this week to throw all his professional weight behind a new series of novels featuring minot... more»

• New Pixar Employees Required To Watch Adorable Sexual Harassment Video

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.15.10 | News in Brief

  EMERYVILLE, CA—According to sources within Pixar Studios, all new employees were required Monday to view an adorable eight-minute animated short about sexual harassment that featured Luxo, the company's iconic hopping desk lamp, and a slinking musta... more»

• Area Grandmother Comes Forward As 'Banksy'

  ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•24 | 06.16.10 | News in Brief

  LONDON—At a press conference Tuesday, 89-year-old Rose Biggin, a grandmother from the Camden Town neighborhood of North London, announced that she was in fact the internationally renowned graffiti artist known only as Banksy. more»

  

• There, Like, 6 Cop Cars Outside

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.17.10 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO—According to sources huddled by the window, there are currently, like, six or seven cop cars parked right outside that building across the street over there. more»

• Obama's College Apartment On The Market

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.16.10 | Infographic

  The New York apartment President Barack Obama inhabited while he was a student at Columbia University is available for rent at $1,900 a month. Here are some other pieces of Obama's past you can buy or rent: more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 15, 2010

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.15.10 | Horoscope

  Aries Like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, so too will you frighten a number of small children playing inside that ball pit. Taurus Everyone laughed when you said that global warming would destroy the planet, but that... more»

• Which Merit Badges Are We Vying For?

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.16.10 | Statshot

  

• Shopaholism May Have Killed The Shopasaurus

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.17.10 | Radio News

• Who's This Little Guy?

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.15.10 | News in Photos

  

• Toaster Really Hitting Its Stride Recently

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.19.10 | News in Photos

  

• Stand Back, I Think I Know CPR

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.15.10 | Commentary

  Don't worry, folks, everything is probably going to be all right. If I had to guess, and I most certainly do, I would say that I have this situation totally under control. In fact, I've performed lifesaving CPR dozens of times before. Like inside my head and stuff. more»

• I Tell Ya, Until I've Had My Morning Coffee, I Am Just A Rapist

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.17.10 | Commentary

  If you're anything like me, mornings are the worst. more»

• The Nation's Pitching Mounds: Are We Prepared If They Suddenly Erupt With Molten Lava?

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.18.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• South African Vuvuzela Philharmonic Angered By Soccer Games Breaking Out During Concerts

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•24 | 06.17.10 | Sports News

  JOHANNESBURG—Members of the South Africa Vuvuzela Philharmonic Orchestra, widely considered to be among the best large-scale monotonic wind instrument ensembles in the world, told reporters Friday they were furious over the recent outbreaks of inter... more»

  

• Tiger Woods Begins Sobbing Uncontrollably On 5th Hole Of U.S. Open

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•24 | 06.18.10 | Sports News in Brief

  PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Overcome by problems in his personal life, an inability to get his golf game in order, and his foundering public image, Tiger Woods broke out into uncontrollable sobs on the fifth tee of the U.S. more»

• Phil Mickelson Reluctantly Uses Golf Club Kids Made For Father's Day Present

  ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•24 | 06.19.10 | Sports News in Brief

  PEBBLE BEACH, CA—In an effort to show appreciation for his Father's Day gift, Phil Mickelson, participating in the final round of the U.S. more»

• 'Totally Worth It,' Claims Grown Man Limping Off Softball Field

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.21.10 | Sports News in Brief

  VERONA, WI—Though he knew before his office's team took the field that his aging, out-of-shape body was at risk of physical injury, limping Affiliated Bank loan and trust officer Robert Newson, 48, told reporters Sunday that a muscle-pull, combined ... more»

• Vikings Not Going To Tinker With Way Adrian Peterson Fumbles Ball

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.22.10 | Sports News in Brief

  MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to preserve the running back's aggressive fumbling style, Vikings coach Brad Childress announced Monday that the training staff would not attempt to alter Adrian Peterson's two-point technique for loosely carrying the footba... more»

• Speculation About Where LeBron Will Play Could End When He Signs Contract

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.23.10 | Sports News in Brief

  BRISTOL, CT—According to NBA analysts, speculation about where LeBron James might play next season could end when the Cavaliers MVP signs a contract with a professional basketball team. more»

• USC's Rules Violations

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.18.10 | Sportsgraphic

  The NCAA says Reggie Bush took cash while playing for the Trojans, but that was hardly the only thing that came to light during its investigation of USC. more»

  

• Raja Bell Thinks Teams Cleared Salary Cap Space For Him

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.18.10 | Photo Finish

  

• Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance For Human Interaction

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.17.10 | Today Now!

  On Today Now!, 87-year-old Beverly DeAngeles gives tips for trapping a census worker in your home for as long as possible. more»

  

• Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.14.10 | OSN Video Vault

  Plagued for years by swirling rumors about its sexuality, soccer has finally come out, becoming the world's first openly gay sport. more»

  

• 'A-Team' Opens At No. 2

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.14.10 | American Voices

  The big-budget, multi-writer remake of the ’80s TV series The A-Team opened in the No. more»

• South Carolina Senate Candidate Refuses To Drop Out

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.15.10 | American Voices

  Democratic candidate Alvin Greene is refusing to drop out of the South Carolina’s U.S. more»

• Vast Mineral Resources Found In Afghanistan

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.16.10 | American Voices

  The United States has discovered nearly $1 trillion in mineral deposits, including copper, iron, and lithium, in Afghanistan. more»

• 'Annie' Ends Print Run

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.17.10 | American Voices

  On Sunday, after 86 years in print, comics page mainstay Annie—a strip about a little redheaded orphan and her dog Sandy—ran in newspapers for the last time. more»

• Asteroid Probe Returns To Earth

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.18.10 | American Voices

  A Japanese spacecraft to an asteroid deployed seven years ago returned home on Sunday, possibly carrying the first extraterrestrial rock sample since the moon landings. more»

• On NCAA Conference Realignment:

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.18.10 | Fan On The Street

• Affluence

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.15.10 | Slideshow

  

• William Hines

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.16.10 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, Thanks so much for the inspirational story about William Hines, the ordinary man who defused an elevator bomb, because I am also named William Hines and I told people it was about me. William Hines, Renovo, PA more»

• Emasculated

  ISSUE 46•24 | 06.19.10 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, How do you know if you've been emasculated? My mom says I am but I'm not sure. Skip Hannigan, Gainesville, FL more»

• fog

  Consistent, whatever it is