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Eons Of Darwinian Evolution Somehow Produce Mitch

• Obama's Weekly Video Addresses Becoming Increasingly Avant-Garde

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.23.10 | News

  WASHINGTON—Obama made his first foray into the avant-garde last March, when he posted a video titled "Red, White, and Doom" to the White House website. In it, the president, seated in the Oval Office with a skull-and-crossbones banner where the American flag would normally be, stares unblinkingly into the camera as the phrase "In God we trust" loops for four minutes and 37 seconds. more»

  

• CIA Declassifies Thousands Of Black-Ops 'Humor In Uniform' Jokes

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.24.10 | News

  CHAPPAQUA, NY—"Since the dawn of the Cold War, certain humorous materials have been kept from the American public in the name of national security," said CIA director Leon Panetta. "But thanks to recent declassification efforts and the Freedom of Information Act, citizens will now be able to see for themselves what exactly was so funny about the historical goofs and gaffes of this agency's most confidential overseas operations." more»

  

• Senior Getting Great Funeral Ideas From Friends

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.26.10 | News

  TAMPA, FL—As he nears his 83rd birthday next month, local man Robert Lech told reporters that attending dozens of funerals over the past several years has given him "tons of great ideas" for his own memorial service, and has really opened his eyes to what a funeral can be. more»

  

• Elena Kagan Asked Straight Up: 'You Got What It Takes?'

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.21.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Saying they didn't want to waste any more time dicking around, members of the U.S. more»

• Experts Say Breakfast Now Sixth Most Important Meal Of The Day

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.22.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—A new report from the Food and Drug Administration has found that breakfast, once considered the most important meal of the day, has now slipped to sixth place, below brunch and just above midnight snack. more»

• Increasing Number Of Americans Unable To Point Out Map

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.23.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—-An alarming new study released Tuesday by the Department of Education found that nearly 70 percent of Americans are incapable of pointing out a map when presented by researchers with a map. more»

• Nation's Boyfriends Dreading 'Free Event In The Park' Season

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.24.10 | News in Brief

  NISKAYUNA, NY—With summer officially beginning this week, the nation's boyfriends groaned Thursday in anticipation of yet another "Free Event in the Park" season. more»

• What's Going On In South Carolina?

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.23.10 | Infographic

  Between the sex scandal that crippled Gov. Mark Sanford, the questionable candidacy of Democratic Senate primary winner and accused criminal Alvin Green, and the rumors of infidelity surrounding Republican gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley, South Carolina has seen a great deal of political upheaval. Here are some of the beleaguered state's lesser-known scandals: more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 22, 2010

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.22.10 | Horoscope

  Aries While it's true that love has no boundaries, no limits, and no rules, your court-appointed restraining order has all three. Taurus Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week... more»

• Most Popular Summer Activities

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.23.10 | Statshot

  

• All-Natural Food Preservative Causes All-Natural Cancer

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.21.10 | Radio News

• PepsiCo Marketing Mix-up Results In Lemon-Lime Doritos

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.22.10 | Radio News

• Night Watchman Keeps Jay Leno Under Close Surveillance

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.23.10 | Radio News

• Onion Radio News For Kids

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.24.10 | Radio News

• Tic-Tac-Toe Grandmaster Devises Brilliant New Gambit

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.22.10 | News in Photos

  

• My Old Nemesis...So We Meet Again

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.22.10 | Commentary

  Aha. There was indeed an explanation for shipboard oxygen consumption exceeding projections by a fraction of a percent: It seems a parasite has stowed away upon my Royal luxury vessel! more»

• No Size-36 Pants Can Contain Me

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.24.10 | Commentary

  What do we have here? Another cocksure contender who thinks he can get a leg up on the master? Well, come and give it your best shot, old boy, but be warned: History is strewn thick with the remains of size-36 pants who thought they could contain ol' Dennis Puttkamer. more»

• A Special Issue Guest-Proofread By Bono

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.25.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Manny Embarks On Journey To Find Legendary Realm Of Batlantis

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•25 | 06.25.10 | Sports News

  LOS ANGELES—In his ongoing quest to find the finest and most powerful baseball bat ever crafted, Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez embarked on an epic voyage Tuesday to search for the legendary underwater kingdom of Batlantis. "I need to get dow... more»

  

• NHL Loses Rights To NHL.com, Moves Website To NHLHockeySports.com

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.25.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—In a disappointing coda to one of its most thrilling seasons in years, the NHL lost its longstanding Internet domain last week when executives failed to pay the renewal fee for NHL.com, allowing 18-year-old California resident Fredrick West... more»

• Pirates Sign Guy Who Successfully Jogged Across Street

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.26.10 | Sports News in Brief

  PITTSBURGH—The Pittsburgh Pirates signed Greensburg, PA resident Clark Goldwater Monday after a team scout witnessed the 36-year-old fan run across a street near PNC Park, hand a set of keys to a friend, and maintain a steady clip on his way back to... more»

• CC Sabathia Involved In Bench-Clearing Nap 

  ISSUE 46•25 | 07.12.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—The entire Yankees squad poured off the bench, out of the dugout, and onto the field Monday after CC Sabathia reacted to a particularly strenuous inning by plopping down on the bench, stretching out, and taking a nap. more»

• Umpire's Perfect Game Goes Completely Unnoticed

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•25 | 07.13.10 | Sports News in Brief

  SEATTLE—Mariner fans unknowingly witnessed history Monday when veteran umpire Tony Candeleo became only the 11th umpire in major-league history to call a perfect officiating game, not missing a single strike, ball, or contested out for nine straight... more»

• Woozy Steve Young Studying Game Film For Sunday's Contest Against Bills, Tearful Wife Reports

  ISSUE 46•25 | 07.14.10 | Sports News in Brief

  PALO ALTO, CA—Former 49ers quarterback and frequent concussion sufferer Steve Young, evidently concerned over performing well in a December 1995 game against the Buffalo Bills, has sequestered himself in his office to study game film for the matchup... more»

• Unwritten Rules Of Baseball

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.25.10 | Sportsgraphic

  Baseball is a sport rich in tradition, and many of its most sacred rules and practices are passed from player to player. Onion Sports lists the most revered of baseball's unwritten rules: more»

  

• Joe Mauer

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.25.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  The Twins catcher has three batting titles in the past four years, was the 2009 AL MVP, and is up top in 2010 All-Star voting. Is he any good? more»

  

• Future News From The Year 2137 - Coming Summer 2010

  ISSUE 46•25 | 05.24.10 | promo

  

• USDA Recalls 96,000 Pounds Of Tainted Beef From One Family

  ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•25 | 06.21.10 | Newsroom

  Officials say a positive E. coli test prompted the recall, affecting the Wharton family's stores of ground beef, beef chuck, and rump roast. more»

  

• Congress, 1924: Rep. Demands Horses Wear Dresses To Hide Foul Penises

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.24.10 | O-SPAN

  In June 1924 Representative Oliver Shaker (D) condemned government inaction on the issue of publicly exposed horse penis and proposed a law which would federallyr equire horses to wear modesty dresses. more»

  

• Poll: More Muslims Distrust Obama

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.21.10 | American Voices

  A survey from the Pew Research Center found President Obama's popularity was slipping among Muslims worldwide. more»

• Amanda Bynes Retires At 24

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.22.10 | American Voices

  Actress Amanda Bynes, star of such films as She's The Man, announced on her Twitter feed that she would retire from acting. more»

• World Snake Population Drops

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.23.10 | American Voices

  A study of 17 snake populations worldwide showed that the number of snakes had fallen dramatically in 11 of those populations since the late 1990s. more»

• Lady Gaga Not Banned From Yankees

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.24.10 | American Voices

  After an incident in which Yankees co-chairman Hal Steinbrenner announced Lady Gaga would be barred from the New York Yankees clubhouse, GM Brian Cashman said that this was not the case. more»

• 'True Blood' Renewed

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.25.10 | American Voices

  HBO announced that it is renewing the vampire drama True Blood for a fourth season. more»

• On Expanding The Role Of Replay In Baseball

  ISSUE 46•25 | 06.25.10 | Fan On The Street

• sun

  Severely Comfortable