Woozy Steve Young Studying Game Film For Sunday's Contest Against Bills, Tearful Wife Reports

Top Headlines

Issue 4625

CC Sabathia Involved In Bench-Clearing Nap 

NEW YORK—The entire Yankees squad poured off the bench, out of the dugout, and onto the field Monday after CC Sabathia reacted to a particularly strenuous inning by plopping down on the bench, stretching out, and taking a nap.

Pirates Sign Guy Who Successfully Jogged Across Street

PITTSBURGH—The Pittsburgh Pirates signed Greensburg, PA resident Clark Goldwater Monday after a team scout witnessed the 36-year-old fan run across a street near PNC Park, hand a set of keys to a friend, and maintain a steady clip on his way back to...

Senior Getting Great Funeral Ideas From Friends

TAMPA, FL—As he nears his 83rd birthday next month, local man Robert Lech told reporters that attending dozens of funerals over the past several years has given him "tons of great ideas" for his own memorial service, and has really opened his eyes to what a funeral can be.

Joe Mauer

The Twins catcher has three batting titles in the past four years, was the 2009 AL MVP, and is up top in 2010 All-Star voting. Is he any good?

Unwritten Rules Of Baseball

Baseball is a sport rich in tradition, and many of its most sacred rules and practices are passed from player to player. Onion Sports lists the most revered of baseball's unwritten rules:

No Size-36 Pants Can Contain Me

What do we have here? Another cocksure contender who thinks he can get a leg up on the master? Well, come and give it your best shot, old boy, but be warned: History is strewn thick with the remains of size-36 pants who thought they could contain ol' Dennis Puttkamer.

CIA Declassifies Thousands Of Black-Ops 'Humor In Uniform' Jokes

CHAPPAQUA, NY—"Since the dawn of the Cold War, certain humorous materials have been kept from the American public in the name of national security," said CIA director Leon Panetta. "But thanks to recent declassification efforts and the Freedom of Information Act, citizens will now be able to see for themselves what exactly was so funny about the historical goofs and gaffes of this agency's most confidential overseas operations."

What's Going On In South Carolina?

Between the sex scandal that crippled Gov. Mark Sanford, the questionable candidacy of Democratic Senate primary winner and accused criminal Alvin Green, and the rumors of infidelity surrounding Republican gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley, South Carolina has seen a great deal of political upheaval. Here are some of the beleaguered state's lesser-known scandals:

Obama's Weekly Video Addresses Becoming Increasingly Avant-Garde

WASHINGTON—Obama made his first foray into the avant-garde last March, when he posted a video titled "Red, White, and Doom" to the White House website. In it, the president, seated in the Oval Office with a skull-and-crossbones banner where the American flag would normally be, stares unblinkingly into the camera as the phrase "In God we trust" loops for four minutes and 37 seconds.

My Old Nemesis...So We Meet Again

Aha. There was indeed an explanation for shipboard oxygen consumption exceeding projections by a fraction of a percent: It seems a parasite has stowed away upon my Royal luxury vessel!

Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 22, 2010

Aries While it's true that love has no boundaries, no limits, and no rules, your court-appointed restraining order has all three. Taurus Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week...

Eons Of Darwinian Evolution Somehow Produce Mitch

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—The process of evolution, through which single-celled organisms slowly developed over billions of years into exponentially more sophisticated forms of life, has inexplicably culminated in local Albuquerque resident Mitch Szabo, leading evolutionary biologists reported Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Election 2016

Woozy Steve Young Studying Game Film For Sunday's Contest Against Bills, Tearful Wife Reports

PALO ALTO, CA—Former 49ers quarterback and frequent concussion sufferer Steve Young, evidently concerned over performing well in a December 1995 game against the Buffalo Bills, has sequestered himself in his office to study game film for the matchup, Young's tearful wife, Barbara, said yesterday. "He'd been moody and anxious for a couple days, but I didn't worry until he turned to me and said, 'Big game this week,'" a visibly shaken Mrs. Young told reporters, adding that she was afraid to call the neurologist for fear of what he might find. "Steve said, 'I'm going to go take another look at the tapes and see if I can find the holes in the Bills coverage. I won't let you down, Coach Seifert.' Then he kissed me tenderly and shuffled off." Since the episode, Young has been seen muttering to himself, diagramming plays, and scrawling copious notes while watching a Law & Order rerun marathon.