Woozy Steve Young Studying Game Film For Sunday's Contest Against Bills, Tearful Wife Reports

Top Headlines

Issue 4625

CC Sabathia Involved In Bench-Clearing Nap 

NEW YORK—The entire Yankees squad poured off the bench, out of the dugout, and onto the field Monday after CC Sabathia reacted to a particularly strenuous inning by plopping down on the bench, stretching out, and taking a nap.

Pirates Sign Guy Who Successfully Jogged Across Street

PITTSBURGH—The Pittsburgh Pirates signed Greensburg, PA resident Clark Goldwater Monday after a team scout witnessed the 36-year-old fan run across a street near PNC Park, hand a set of keys to a friend, and maintain a steady clip on his way back to...

Senior Getting Great Funeral Ideas From Friends

TAMPA, FL—As he nears his 83rd birthday next month, local man Robert Lech told reporters that attending dozens of funerals over the past several years has given him "tons of great ideas" for his own memorial service, and has really opened his eyes to what a funeral can be.

Joe Mauer

The Twins catcher has three batting titles in the past four years, was the 2009 AL MVP, and is up top in 2010 All-Star voting. Is he any good?

Unwritten Rules Of Baseball

Baseball is a sport rich in tradition, and many of its most sacred rules and practices are passed from player to player. Onion Sports lists the most revered of baseball's unwritten rules:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Woozy Steve Young Studying Game Film For Sunday's Contest Against Bills, Tearful Wife Reports

PALO ALTO, CA—Former 49ers quarterback and frequent concussion sufferer Steve Young, evidently concerned over performing well in a December 1995 game against the Buffalo Bills, has sequestered himself in his office to study game film for the matchup, Young's tearful wife, Barbara, said yesterday. "He'd been moody and anxious for a couple days, but I didn't worry until he turned to me and said, 'Big game this week,'" a visibly shaken Mrs. Young told reporters, adding that she was afraid to call the neurologist for fear of what he might find. "Steve said, 'I'm going to go take another look at the tapes and see if I can find the holes in the Bills coverage. I won't let you down, Coach Seifert.' Then he kissed me tenderly and shuffled off." Since the episode, Young has been seen muttering to himself, diagramming plays, and scrawling copious notes while watching a Law & Order rerun marathon.