Psychopaths Behave Like Stroke Victims

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Issue 4626

U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths

WASHINGTON—Representatives from the nation's leading flag producer claimed that as many as 143 million deaths in the past two centuries can be attributed directly to the faulty U.S. models, which have been utilized extensively since the 18th century in sectors as diverse as government, the military, and public education.

Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

ESCONDIDO, CA—Provoked by a presidential administration he believes is guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, has become a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

Report: U.S. Leads World In Lost Sunglasses

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report by the Bureau of Accessory Statistics, each year the U.S. loses more pairs of sunglasses per person than any other nation. "Over 1.6 billion pairs of sunglasses are lost by Americans concerned with shielding their eyes from excess light and harmful UVA radiation," the report read. "This works out to six pairs of sunglasses per American per year, or 50 pairs of sunglasses lost every second." In second place, Italy has a lost-sunglasses rate of one pair per citizen per year, followed by Japan, Iceland, and Portugal with loss rates of .23, .19, and .16 respectively.

U.S. Mint Gears Up To Issue Commemorative County Pennies

WASHINGTON, DC—Following the success of its 50 State Quarters program—deemed one of the most popular commemorative-coin programs in American history—the U.S. Mint announced its next ambitious project: releasing a unique penny for every county in the nation.

America's Sweetheart Dumps U.S. For Some Douchebag

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Americans gathered Monday to discuss their feelings of heartbreak, anger, and resentment toward America's sweetheart Kirsten Dunst, after the film star broke up with the U.S. to be with some douchebag that everyone thought was gay.

66 Percent Of U.S. Citizens Object To Torture In Nonetheless Frightening Poll

CAMBRIDGE, MA—The results of a USA Today-CNN-Gallup poll released Monday show that 66 percent of Americans object to the use of torture during times of war. "We can be proud that the majority of citizens stand against our military personnel's use of torture," Harvard statistician William Stover said. "And it's somewhat comforting that, of the 34 percent of Americans who advocate torture, 72 percent said it should be used only when other methods of discipline have failed." Reassuringly, 97 percent of Americans were against the torture of U.S. soldiers or citizens by non-Americans.

You Have Been Impregnated For National-Security Reasons

Thank you for your call, Alice. I got here as quickly as I could. Have you told anyone else? Thank God. You have no idea what a relief that is—not just for me, but for America. It is of the utmost importance that we keep this strictly between us.

U.S. Invades Non-Oil-Rich Nation To Dispel Criticism

LUXEMBOURG VILLE, LUXEMBOURG—In an effort to quiet criticism of U.S. military policy, 50,000 U.S. troops invaded and soundly defeated the non-oil-rich Grand Duchy of Luxembourg Monday. "Once again, the U.S. claims victory over a rogue nation," said President Bush after the 45-minute war. "The people of Luxembourg, although prosperous and living in peace, have suffered under the tyranny of a monarchy for centuries. And allow me to point out that Luxembourg has not one drop of crude oil." Troops will return home Friday, following the public hanging of Grand Duke Henri de Luxembourg.

U.S. Continues Proud Tradition Of Diversity On Front Lines

CAMP COYOTE, KUWAIT—With blacks and Hispanics comprising more than 60 percent of the Army's ground forces in Iraq, the U.S. military is continuing its long, proud tradition of multiculturalism on the front lines of war. "Though racism and discrimination remain problems in society at large, in the military—especially in the lower ranks where you find the cannon fodder—a spirit of inclusiveness has prevailed for decades," Gen. Jim White said Monday. "When it comes to having your head blown off by enemy fire, America is truly colorblind."

U.S. To Arab World: 'Stop Hating Us Or Suffer The Consequences'

WASHINGTON, DC— In a strongly worded ultimatum Tuesday, President Bush warned the Arab world to "stop hating the United States or suffer the consequences." "You have exactly 10 days to put aside your deep-rooted resentment and rage toward America and learn to like us," said Bush in a message broadcast live to 17 Arab nations via Al Jazeera. "If you fail to comply, prepare to have the full might of the U.S. military brought down upon you." Bush also threatened to carpet-bomb any Arab region whose populace continues to be angry about America's longtime bombing campaign against Iraq and the decade-long U.S. sanctions that have led to the malnutrition deaths of tens of thousands of Iraqi children.

3822 Voted America's Favorite PIN Number

NEW YORK–Narrowly edging out 7135, 3822 is the nation's favorite personal-identification number, according to the August issue of Money. "Random-seeming yet easy to remember, 3822 is the 'PIN that's in' for 2001 and beyond," read a cover story revealing the results of the publication's "2001 Money PIN Poll." "I've never gone wrong punching in 3822," Harrisburg, PA, retiree Nancy Polk said. "Whether I'm withdrawing money for my hip medication or taking out a big chunk of my life savings for a casino trip, 3822 is the number that gets me there."

'Army Of One' Campaign Attracting Troubled Loners To Military

WASHINGTON, DC–The Army's new "Army Of One" campaign is attracting millions of troubled loners, recruitment officials said Monday. "Historically, Army enlistees are creepy, antisocial drifters," said Sgt. Glenn Decinces of the Army's Recruitment Office. "After years of trying to attract stable, achievement-oriented young patriots with the slogan 'Be All You Can Be,' we finally gave up and decided to consciously go after the freakos we've always drawn."

Communists Now Least Threatening Group In U.S.

WASHINGTON, DC–According to a report released Tuesday by the Pentagon, Communists rank last on a list of 238 threats to national security. "Communists may now safely be ignored," Secretary of Defense William Cohen said. "The Red Menace has been surpassed by militia groups, religious extremists, ecoterrorists, cybercriminals, Hollywood producers, and angry drivers." Other groups deemed more threatening than Communists include rap-metal bands (#96), escaped zoo animals (#202), and Belgians (#237).

Apathy Outpacing Lust As Leading U.S. State Of Mind

WASHINGTON, DC–A federal study released Monday finds that for the first time in U.S. history, apathy has supplanted lust as the nation's leading state of mind. "It appears that the average citizen is now too apathetic to even pursue sex," the study read. "At the moment, there just isn't much that we as a people give a flying fuck about." The study was based on phone surveys, brainwave analyses, and the recent ratings victory of CBS's JAG over the Democratic National Convention.

American People Ruled Unfit To Govern

The controversial decision, the first of its kind in the 210-year history of U.S. representative government, was, according to Justice David Souter, "a response to the clear, demonstrable incompetence and indifference of the current U.S. citizenry in matters concerning the operation of this nation's government."

U.S. Dignity Reserves Nearly Depleted

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Tuesday by the U.S. Department of Pride and Self-Worth, the nation's dignity reserves stand at an all-time low, and emergency dignity reservoirs may have to be tapped as soon as next month. "America is in the midst of a dignity crisis the likes of which it has never seen," said DPSW Secretary Bruce Collins, eating a bag of Taco Bell Steak Gorditas and wearing a "Show Me The Money!" T-shirt. "Over the past decade, the number of Americans with no shame whatsoever has gone through the roof."

Nation's Last Themeless Restaurant Closes

DUBUQUE, IA—An era came to an end Tuesday when Pat's Place, the nation's last themeless restaurant, closed its doors in Dubuque. "We achieved a certain local notoriety for our unique non-themed food and unadorned atmosphere," said owner Patrick Baines, "but sales were sluggish, as most people would just come in to gawk at our photoless walls and mundanely named menu items like 'hamburger' and 'pancakes.' Then they would head over to the Rainforest Cafe, Hard Rock Cafe, Planet Hollywood, All-Star Cafe, Johnny Rocket's or Disney Cafe down the street." Once vacated by Baines, the building will become home to Dubuque's seventh Paddy O'Touchdown's Irish Sports Bar & Good-Tyme Internet Grill.

Executive, Legislative, Judicial Branches Merge

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to streamline federal affairs and give the government a much-needed shot in the arm, the three federal branches inked an unprecedented $12 trillion merger deal Monday. "No more will the three branches bicker and argue and overrule each other," President Clinton said of the merger, reportedly the largest of its kind since last year's ABC-Disney deal. "This merger should give the federal government tremendous synergy, a kind of 'cross-pollinization' that the framers of the Constitution never envisioned when they developed the now-antiquated system of 'checks and balances' so long ago." In the first major move since the merger's announcement, on Tuesday Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer ordered mandatory military conscription for all adult males in preparation for a September invasion of Iraq.

Ünited Stätes Toughens Image With Umlauts

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move designed to make the United States seem more "bad-assed and scary in a quasi-heavy-metal manner," Congress officially changed the nation's name to the Ünited Stätes of Ämerica Monday. "Much like Mötley Crüe and Motörhead, the Ünited Stätes is not to be messed with," said Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK). An upcoming redesign of the Ämerican flag will feature the new name in burnished silver wrought in a jagged, gothic font and bolted to a black background. A new national anthem is also in the works by composer Glenn Danzig, tentatively titled "Howl Of The She-Demon."
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


Psychopaths Behave Like Stroke Victims

A University of Wisconsin study found that when prisoners exhibiting psychopathic tendencies played decision-making games, they used the same strategies as people who had suffered strokes or brain tumors. What do you think?