PADUCAH, KY—Throughout his life, 22-year-old Matthew Leske has been a devout Christian, attending services three times a week at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church ...

PAWTUCKET, RI—As part of uncle-of-the-bride Ronald Schwepp's extensive coverage of the Schwepp-Ploman wedding, a reception-dinner catering cart was videotaped for posterity Saturday.

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Despite deep, irreconcilable differences that might have led to divorce for other married couples, Clint and Carol Colson have managed to keep their ...

CHICKASAW, AL–Though they've weathered some rocky times during their five years of marriage, Dale and Sheila Hefko have managed to stay together. The ...

NORFOLK, VA–The Norfolk Best Western was gripped by controversy late Saturday, when DJ Tim Doblewicz played the randy Clarence Carter hit "Strokin'" at the ...

MINOT, ND–Suppressing their feelings about the doomed couple, guests at Saturday's wedding of Jerome Sykes, 23, and Madeline Pirone, 26, pretended the marriage ...

SCRANTON, PA—Roger Dittman, whose four-year marriage ended in June, is convinced that the romantic relationships of all his friends and acquaintances are "on the ...

NEW ROCHELLE, NY—The lavish, 250-guest wedding of James and Mindy Gallagher, held Sunday at the New Rochelle Country Club, was enjoyed by no one ...

ODESSA, TX—An extramarital affair between local claims adjuster Ken Hubrin and cocktail waitress Teri Belasco came to an abrupt end Monday when Hubrin informed ...

SWANDER, OH—George and Maureen McKay's stagnant marriage was briefly rejuvenated when they thought they had only weeks left together.

CARTHAGE, MO—An embarrassed God admitted Monday that He was late for the Saturday wedding of Patrick Moore and Dina Roble, arriving halfway through the ...

KNOXVILLE, TN—Amanda Gentry, whose boyfriend has been acting odd and quiet as of late, hears wedding bells.

MINOT, ND—At the outdoor wedding reception of Kevin Thomas and Elaine Schroeder on Saturday, a party guest identified only as "Gary" alleviated tensions and ...

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services released a 275-page report Monday blaming the increasing failure rate of American marriages on Clearwater ...

GALESBURG, IL—After discussing the merits of both events at length, Julie and Ian Bowman, 7 and 5, agreed that their mother Ariel Binder's ...

BOSTON—Justices of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled 5-2 Monday in favor of full, equal, and mandatory gay marriages for all citizens. The order ...

GREENSBORO, NC—Although he has had a cordial relationship with officemate Karl Harrison for almost two years, Jeff Ashland reported Monday that he has no ...

CHICAGO—Recently divorced Saatchi & Saatchi branding executive Brad Stritch, 38, has already generated considerable buzz in the Chicago singles community about his return to the ...

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Nearly 14 months after he said "I do" to his new wife Karen, attorney Robert Diehl, 36, told reporters that he finally feels ...

TEMPE, AZ—The Witthausers’ mutual dislike of insufferable Dr. Roger Verbicki has helped them restore their relationship.

EDWARDSVILLE, KS—Viewed through the lens of binoculars, the Hobsbaums' seemingly happy relationship reveals far too little.

WASHINGTON, DC—Lawmakers say they must do everything they can to halt the corrupting influence of St. Croix’s debonair bonhomie and overpowering musk.

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Friends of Troy and Tania Knudsen wish the couple just fuck and get on with their lives already.

WASHINGTON, DC—Congressional Republicans cited the saw-edged teeth of the shark community as a direct threat to married couples everywhere.

JACKSONVILLE, FL—"I did not deserve to be put away in the prime of my life," said Henry Doswell, who spent more than a decade ...

WELLTON, AZ—After making a bunch of sappy vows he probably meant, Leighty open-mouth kissed his bride in front of all the guests and nobody ...

OSHKOSH, WI—Following the proclamation, the Mattress King and his retinue celebrated with great relish at Tinker's Pub, where the Wild Turkey did freely ...

GLENDALE, AZ—"Whether it's arguing over home mortgage payments, or why the godforsaken lights are always on, David and Sheila never disappoint," said a ...

HARRISBURG, PA—"You remember Jerry," Mom said in a long-distance telephone call to her youngest son, Daniel Schickele, 29. "He bought you that variety tin ...

SARASOTA, FL—"I could never be unfaithful to Helen," said the 63-year-old Arnold Schneider, who over the past four decades has unsuccessfully attempted extramarital relations ...

KENEMA, SIERRA LEONE—"They had so much in common," said local diamond miner Muwomba D'akari before momentarily blacking out from extreme exhaustion. D'akari ...

FORT MYERS, FL—Area resident Beatrice Sewell, 49, affirmed her faith Thursday in both her fourth marriage, to local dockworker Davey Sewell, 54, and the ...

MORRISTOWN, NJ–A romance straight out of a storybook has led to a marriage straight out of an in-flight magazine, it was reported Monday. "Matthew ...

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After nearly 20 years of unsuccessfully attempting to court and marry an interesting, attractive man, 41-year-old Sandra Browner of Fayetteville settled Monday for ...

VISALIA, CA—Wedding attendee Marc Spanos was badly shaken Saturday when a conga-line participant ominously beckoned him to join the grim, undulating human chain. "This ...

NEW CASTLE, IN–Jonathan and Tamara Wilcox, married for six years, have built a rewarding, loving relationship on the solid foundation of a shared love ...

HOLLYWOOD, CA–James Rudolph, director of Powerplay and Dead By Dawn, announced plans Monday to go with an unknown for the role of his third ...

MALDEN, MA—Twelve wedding guests were critically injured Saturday night in a dance-floor pileup blamed on new-versus-old Electric Slide confusion. "The DJ called for the ...

BILOXI, MS—Michael Cotto, 27, and Laura Winningham, 26, were pronounced husband and wife Monday, thanks to the supernatural powers vested in local Presbyterian minister ...

WETUMKA, OK—Two weeks after their Feb. 1 wedding, Matt and Liz Kuchen, both 32, regret remaining virgins until marriage. "Why the hell did I ...

BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI—After nearly 10 years of searching, clingy, neurotic Ryan Dollett, 31, has finally found his soulmate in passive-aggressive, emotionally distant Amy Sunderland ...

PORTAGE, MI–Soaking in her bathtub Tuesday, area resident Linda Marston, 32, pleasured herself over the thought of a long-term committed relationship. "Mmmm... oh, yeah ...

MEMPHIS, TN—Recent widower Jeff Dunning, 33, said Monday he experienced a "profound personal awakening" after watching his wife Claudia accidentally drown in the deep ...

HOUSTON—Banker Robert "Rob Boy" Grelman expressed annoyance with his wife Janet Monday, saying she consistently involves him in her marital problems.

WAUKESHA, WI—Although Sophia Burnhardt, matriarch of the extended Burnhardt clan, died last week, family sources confirmed that her memory will live on for years ...

COLUMBUS, OH—Father Gerald Reamer mistakenly pronounced groom Danny Colm and bride Rachael Hall "man and plumbing problem" during their...

FENTON, IL—Guests attending the marriage of Frank Herman and Lauren Holland reported Saturday that videographer Jesse Laske, a film-school...

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Local homemaker Darlene Ernst, 37, expressed her frustration with her husband Dean on Tuesday by vigorously scouring the...

WASHINGTON—Gay rights activists protested the defeat of bill S. 743 Monday, saying that the proposed legislation giving homosexuals the...

SACRAMENTO, CA—Activists on both sides of the gay marriage debate were shocked this November, when a typographical error in California's...

CONCORD, NH—Less than two weeks after legalizing gay marriage in the state, New Hampshire legislators enacted a new law Tuesday making it...

DENTON, TX—Forty-one-year-old printer repairman and husband Nils Holzer was shocked by the quality of a kiss he shared with his wife before...

GREENWICH, CT—Despite their disparate backgrounds, lack of mutual interests, and seemingly insurmountable gap in age, former Miss Kentucky...

The government recently expanded its abstinence-only message to include adults. They have used the following strategies to encourage men and women...

Kris and Shauna are a recently married couple whose syndicated advice column, Ask A Bride And Groom's Self-Penned Wedding Vows, appears in more than ...

A wedding is a magical event, but planning one can be loaded with potential pitfalls. Here are some helpful tips to make sure that special ...

While other media outlets bring you news as it happens, only the Onion News Network has the power to bring you the news before it ...

In The Know panelists discuss yesterday's truck accident, and why nothing was done to prevent the vehicle from accidentally spiraling out of control and ...

According to a Department of Health and Human Services study, emergency room visits for recreational use of opioid painkillers went up 111 percent from 2004 ...

Researchers at Bristol University in the UK have found that heavy coffee drinkers derive no boost from the beverage, but merely stave off the depressive ...

The average cost of a wedding in the United States is $19,581.

A French study revealed that obese people have sex less often than those of healthier weight, but engage in riskier behavior when they do.

Tech Trends' Jeff Tate explains the new service that pairs insufferable Apple customers with "friends" that will listen to them rattle on for hours.