Issue 4627 - 07.05.2010 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Astronomer Discovers Black Hole At Center Of Own Marriage

PASADENA, CA—Astrophysicist Miles Lindgren discovered a commitment vortex from which no love can escape.

…

Desire To Ejaculate Motivates Local Christian To Wed

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 33•05 | 02.11.98 | News

PADUCAH, KY—Throughout his life, 22-year-old Matthew Leske has been a devout Christian, attending services three times a week at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church in his hometown of Paducah, regularly participating in Bible-study devotionals with his mother and four sisters, and faithfully adhering to the dictums of his strict fundamentalist Christian upbringing. more»
Wedding Catering Cart Videotaped For Posterity

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 35•29 | 08.18.99 | News

PAWTUCKET, RI—As part of uncle-of-the-bride Ronald Schwepp's extensive coverage of the Schwepp-Ploman wedding, a reception-dinner catering cart was videotaped for posterity Saturday. more»
Family That Prays Together Suffers Through Long, Hellish Marriage Together

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 35•32 | 09.08.99 | News

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Despite deep, irreconcilable differences that might have led to divorce for other married couples, Clint and Carol Colson have managed to keep their family together through the power of faith. Their belief in God is living proof of the old adage that the family that prays together suffers through a long, hellish marriage together. more»
Lack Of Second Car Preserves Marriage

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 36•10 | 03.22.00 | News

CHICKASAW, AL–Though they've weathered some rocky times during their five years of marriage, Dale and Sheila Hefko have managed to stay together. The couple's secret? Their lack of a second car. more»
Wedding-Reception DJ's Choice Of 'Strokin'' Proves Controversial

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 36•30 | 08.30.00 | News

NORFOLK, VA–The Norfolk Best Western was gripped by controversy late Saturday, when DJ Tim Doblewicz played the randy Clarence Carter hit "Strokin'" at the Schuller-Randolph wedding reception, upsetting a number of the event's more reserved guests. more»
Guests Forced To Pretend Wedding A Good Thing

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 37•23 | 06.20.01 | News

MINOT, ND–Suppressing their feelings about the doomed couple, guests at Saturday's wedding of Jerome Sykes, 23, and Madeline Pirone, 26, pretended the marriage was a good thing. more»
Recently Divorced Man Thinks Everyone Else's Relationship Is In Trouble

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 37•30 | 08.29.01 | News

SCRANTON, PA—Roger Dittman, whose four-year marriage ended in June, is convinced that the romantic relationships of all his friends and acquaintances are "on the rocks." more»
Wedding Enjoyed By No One But Bride

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 38•29 | 02.14.02 | News

NEW ROCHELLE, NY—The lavish, 250-guest wedding of James and Mindy Gallagher, held Sunday at the New Rochelle Country Club, was enjoyed by no one but the bride. more»
Affair Broken Up By Other Affair

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 38•21 | 06.05.02 | News

ODESSA, TX—An extramarital affair between local claims adjuster Ken Hubrin and cocktail waitress Teri Belasco came to an abrupt end Monday when Hubrin informed his mistress that he had been cheating on her with coffee-shop manager Amanda Strauss. more»
Lackluster Marriage Enlivened By Cancer Scare

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 38•23 | 06.19.02 | News

SWANDER, OH—George and Maureen McKay's stagnant marriage was briefly rejuvenated when they thought they had only weeks left together. more»
God Late For Local Wedding

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 38•46 | 12.11.02 | News

CARTHAGE, MO—An embarrassed God admitted Monday that He was late for the Saturday wedding of Patrick Moore and Dina Roble, arriving halfway through the ceremony but catching "most of the important stuff." more»
Breakup Hints Misinterpreted As Marriage-Proposal Hints

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 39•07 | 02.26.03 | News

KNOXVILLE, TN—Amanda Gentry, whose boyfriend has been acting odd and quiet as of late, hears wedding bells. more»
Goofy Guy Named Gary Enlivens Otherwise Intolerable Wedding Reception

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 39•28 | 07.23.03 | News

MINOT, ND—At the outdoor wedding reception of Kevin Thomas and Elaine Schroeder on Saturday, a party guest identified only as "Gary" alleviated tensions and endeared himself to guests with his unpredictable and irreverent actions, turning the miserable event into one of marginal tolerability, sources reported Monday. more»
Soaring U.S. Divorce Rate Blamed On Local 11-Year-Old

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 32•11 | 10.14.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services released a 275-page report Monday blaming the increasing failure rate of American marriages on Clearwater, FL, 11-year-old Tommy Breyer. more»
Mommy's Wedding More Fun Than Daddy's

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 39•41 | 10.22.03 | News

GALESBURG, IL—After discussing the merits of both events at length, Julie and Ian Bowman, 7 and 5, agreed that their mother Ariel Binder's wedding in Galesburg Saturday was "way more fun" than their father Marcus' wedding in Peoria last March, the children reported Monday. more»
Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens To Gay Marry

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 44•26 ISSUE 40•08 | 02.25.04 | News

BOSTON—Justices of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled 5-2 Monday in favor of full, equal, and mandatory gay marriages for all citizens. The order nullifies all pre-existing heterosexual marriages and lays the groundwork for the 2.4 million compulsory same-sex marriages that will take place in the state by May 15. more»
Best Man Has No Idea Why He Was Picked

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 40•11 | 03.17.04 | News

GREENSBORO, NC—Although he has had a cordial relationship with officemate Karl Harrison for almost two years, Jeff Ashland reported Monday that he has no idea why he was asked to be the best man at Harrison's wedding in June. more»
Divorced Branding Exec Generates Buzz Before Getting Back Out There

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 40•29 | 07.21.04 | News

CHICAGO—Recently divorced Saatchi & Saatchi branding executive Brad Stritch, 38, has already generated considerable buzz in the Chicago singles community about his return to the highly competitive world of dating, friends and coworkers told the press Monday. more»
Recently Married Man Ready To Start Dating Again

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 40•42 | 10.20.04 | News

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Nearly 14 months after he said "I do" to his new wife Karen, attorney Robert Diehl, 36, told reporters that he finally feels ready to return to the dating world. more»
Hatred Of Marriage Counselor Brings Couple Together

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 41•41 | 10.12.05 | News

TEMPE, AZ—The Witthausers’ mutual dislike of insufferable Dr. Roger Verbicki has helped them restore their relationship. more»
Voyeur Concerned About Lack Of Sex In Neighbors' Marriage

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 42•18 | 05.03.06 | News

EDWARDSVILLE, KS—Viewed through the lens of binoculars, the Hobsbaums' seemingly happy relationship reveals far too little. more»
Government To Defend Marriage From Dashing Reginald St. Croix, Esq.

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 42•26 | 06.28.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Lawmakers say they must do everything they can to halt the corrupting influence of St. Croix’s debonair bonhomie and overpowering musk. more»
Marriage Teeming With Sexual Tension

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 42•29 | 06.30.06 | News

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Friends of Troy and Tania Knudsen wish the couple just fuck and get on with their lives already. more»
New Bill Would Defend Marriage From Sharks

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 42•38 | 09.19.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Congressional Republicans cited the saw-edged teeth of the shark community as a direct threat to married couples everywhere. more»
DNA Evidence Frees Man After 15 Years Of Marriage

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 42•43 | 10.25.06 | News

JACKSONVILLE, FL—"I did not deserve to be put away in the prime of my life," said Henry Doswell, who spent more than a decade wrongfully wed. more»
Man Likes Woman So Much He Marries Her

ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 43•50 | 12.15.07 | News

WELLTON, AZ—After making a bunch of sappy vows he probably meant, Leighty open-mouth kissed his bride in front of all the guests and nobody even tried to stop him. more»
Mattress King Selects Wife From Small Wisconsin Village

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 45•04 | 01.19.09 | News

OSHKOSH, WI—Following the proclamation, the Mattress King and his retinue celebrated with great relish at Tinker's Pub, where the Wild Turkey did freely flow. more»
Husband, Wife Unaware They Are A Comedy Team

ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 45•10 | 03.07.09 | News

GLENDALE, AZ—"Whether it's arguing over home mortgage payments, or why the godforsaken lights are always on, David and Sheila never disappoint," said a neighbor. more»
Area Mom, Jerry To Wed

ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 45•20 | 05.16.09 | News

HARRISBURG, PA—"You remember Jerry," Mom said in a long-distance telephone call to her youngest son, Daniel Schickele, 29. "He bought you that variety tin of popcorn last Christmas." more»
Husband Still Faithful After 42 Years Of Trying To Cheat

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 45•40 | 10.03.09 | News

SARASOTA, FL—"I could never be unfaithful to Helen," said the 63-year-old Arnold Schneider, who over the past four decades has unsuccessfully attempted extramarital relations with dozens of friends, acquaintances, work colleagues, and random strangers. more»
Sierra Leone Diamond Miner Devastated By News Of Broken-Off Engagement

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 46•08 | 02.27.10 | News

KENEMA, SIERRA LEONE—"They had so much in common," said local diamond miner Muwomba D'akari before momentarily blacking out from extreme exhaustion. D'akari said he hasn't been this upset since his entire family was killed during Sierra Leone’s decade-long civil war. more»
Middle-Aged Woman Believes In Fourth Marriage, Angels

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 31•24 | 07.23.97 | News in Brief

FORT MYERS, FL—Area resident Beatrice Sewell, 49, affirmed her faith Thursday in both her fourth marriage, to local dockworker Davey Sewell, 54, and the existence and compassion of angels. "I feel my own guardian angel watching over me all the time," said Sewell, an avid collector of angel-decorated potholders and wall hangings. "And I just know that David is the man for me, now and forever." Phenomena Sewell has previously expressed belief in include crystal therapy, phone psychics and her first three marriages. more»
Storybook Romance Leads To In-Flight-Magazine Marriage

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 34•13 | 10.28.98 | News in Brief

MORRISTOWN, NJ–A romance straight out of a storybook has led to a marriage straight out of an in-flight magazine, it was reported Monday. "Matthew and Lorraine DeRoia, who wed one year ago after the kind of magical courtship you read about in fairytales, now live the kind of lives that are as exciting as an in-flight magazine, industry trade journal, or dental-health brochure," said Larry Garber, who lives next door to the utterly-bored-with-each-other DeRoias. more»
Area Man Settled For

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 35•06 | 02.17.99 | News in Brief

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After nearly 20 years of unsuccessfully attempting to court and marry an interesting, attractive man, 41-year-old Sandra Browner of Fayetteville settled Monday for insipid, pie-faced screen-door-factory worker Willard Kurtz. "He's a real sweet guy," Browner said of her new fiancé, who is insisting on a sports-themed wedding reception to be held in March at the Fayetteville-area Hooters owned by his cousin Ed. "And he's got very nice hands." The couple will live with Kurtz's aunt until things start taking off at the factory. more»
Conga-Line Participant Beckons Ominously

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 35•15 | 04.21.99 | News in Brief

VISALIA, CA—Wedding attendee Marc Spanos was badly shaken Saturday when a conga-line participant ominously beckoned him to join the grim, undulating human chain. "This large woman in a pink, sequined dress started waving and gesturing for me to come get on the end," Spanos said following the ordeal. "It all seemed to be happening in slow motion, like they all had evil grimaces and were laughing in deep, slowed-down voices." Spanos dodged the encroaching conga spectre by spilling scalding hot coffee on his tuxedo pants. "That was a close one," he said. more»
Relationship Based On Mutual Love Of Woodcrafts

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 36•18 | 05.17.00 | News in Brief

NEW CASTLE, IN–Jonathan and Tamara Wilcox, married for six years, have built a rewarding, loving relationship on the solid foundation of a shared love of woodcrafts. "For Tamara and I, there's nothing better than spending a Saturday afternoon together lacquering a birdfeeder or napkin holder," said Jonathan, putting the finishing touches on a wooden "The Wilcoxes" sign for the front of their home Sunday. "Before I met her, I was just sanding mail organizers all by myself." Tamara shared his enthusiasm, gushing, "I forgot how wonderful life could be until Jonathan showed me how to build and varnish a magazine rack." more»
Director Going With Unknown For Third Marriage

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 37•28 | 08.15.01 | News in Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA–James Rudolph, director of Powerplay and Dead By Dawn, announced plans Monday to go with an unknown for the role of his third wife this fall. "I'm basically looking for a young, fresh-faced newcomer, someone who can give me the same sort of effect I got from Nina in my first marriage," Rudolph told Daily Variety. "Daryl Hannah worked out fine for this last go-round, but this time, I want someone with no reputation or established style." Principal photography on the couple's wedding is slated to begin Oct. 21 at Huntington Beach Country Club. more»
New-Versus-Old Electric-Slide Confusion Blamed In Wedding-Reception Pileup

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 38•37 | 10.09.02 | News in Brief

MALDEN, MA—Twelve wedding guests were critically injured Saturday night in a dance-floor pileup blamed on new-versus-old Electric Slide confusion. "The DJ called for the Electric Slide without specifying which, and when the 'old' Sliders slid to the right, they collided violently with the stationary, hip-shaking 'new' Sliders," paramedic Laura Denison said. "By the fifth bar, the dance floor was a gruesome tangle of bodies." In the wake of the tragedy, the American Association of Disc Jockeys released a statement urging all DJs to specify which Electric Slide they are calling for at any future weddings, retirement parties, and bar mitzvahs. more»
Supernatural Powers Vested In Local Pastor

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 39•01 | 01.15.03 | News in Brief

BILOXI, MS—Michael Cotto, 27, and Laura Winningham, 26, were pronounced husband and wife Monday, thanks to the supernatural powers vested in local Presbyterian minister Gerald Dreisbach by the Lord Himself. "We are so lucky to live near a man who is an actual conduit of God's will," Cotto told reporters after the ceremony. "We wouldn't have been able to get married otherwise." Dreisbach has also used his otherworldly authority to call for good fortune in the lives of parishioners, as well as swift passage to heaven for the deceased. more»
Newlyweds Regret Saving Sex For Marriage

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 39•06 | 02.19.03 | News in Brief

WETUMKA, OK—Two weeks after their Feb. 1 wedding, Matt and Liz Kuchen, both 32, regret remaining virgins until marriage. "Why the hell did I wait?" Liz said Tuesday. "I could've been having mind-blowing sex with dozens of guys these last 15 years, and instead I spent them making little uptight speeches about how it'll be more special if I hold out." Matt agreed, saying, "Stacy Pratt totally would've done me. Oh, man." more»
Dysfunctional Singles Find Each Other

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 39•15 | 04.23.03 | News in Brief

BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI—After nearly 10 years of searching, clingy, neurotic Ryan Dollett, 31, has finally found his soulmate in passive-aggressive, emotionally distant Amy Sunderland, 28, sources reported Monday. "I want to be with Amy every single second, I just love her so much," Dollett said. "She has so many amazing qualities, but I think the best is the way she never challenges me." Said Sunderland: "Ryan is quite the catch. I'm sure once we're married, I'll grow to love everything about him, even the terrible way he dresses." more»
Woman Masturbates To Concept Of Commitment

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 43•19 ISSUE 39•26 | 07.09.03 | News in Brief

PORTAGE, MI–Soaking in her bathtub Tuesday, area resident Linda Marston, 32, pleasured herself over the thought of a long-term committed relationship. "Mmmm... oh, yeah, baby... I want to settle down with you forever," moaned the never-married Marston, as she gently massaged her clitoris with two fingers. "Oh, God, yes... two kids, maybe three... and a house in the country. Big swingset in the backyard." Several hours later, Marston masturbated again to the idea of loving someone unconditionally through good times and bad. more»
Fetish Only Realized After Watching Wife Drown

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 41•29 | 07.20.05 | News in Brief

MEMPHIS, TN—Recent widower Jeff Dunning, 33, said Monday he experienced a "profound personal awakening" after watching his wife Claudia accidentally drown in the deep end of their swimming pool at a June 16 cocktail party. "I'll never forget how she looked," said Dunning, gazing off at the trees. "Her arms and legs flailing, her terrified expression, her mouth filling with water... It was so arousing. I mean appalling." In an attempt to cope with the realization, Dunning has taken out personal ads inquiring after single women, ages 28 to 35, who enjoy swimming, boating, and binge drinking. more»
Wife Always Dragging Husband Into Her Marital Problems

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 43•19 ISSUE 41•45 | 11.09.05 | News in Brief

HOUSTON—Banker Robert "Rob Boy" Grelman expressed annoyance with his wife Janet Monday, saying she consistently involves him in her marital problems. more»
Grandmother Will Live On In Arguments Over Her Wedding China

ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 42•07 | 02.14.06 | News in Brief

WAUKESHA, WI—Although Sophia Burnhardt, matriarch of the extended Burnhardt clan, died last week, family sources confirmed that her memory will live on for years in arguments over her wedding china. more»
Distracted Priest Pronounces Couple 'Man And Plumbing Problem'

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 43•04 | 01.24.07 | News in Brief

COLUMBUS, OH—Father Gerald Reamer mistakenly pronounced groom Danny Colm and bride Rachael Hall "man and plumbing problem" during their... more»
Wedding Videographer Clearly Shooting Side Project During Ceremony

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 43•22 | 05.28.07 | News in Brief

FENTON, IL—Guests attending the marriage of Frank Herman and Lauren Holland reported Saturday that videographer Jesse Laske, a film-school... more»
Frustration With Husband Taken Out On Soap Scum

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 43•30 | 07.24.07 | News in Brief

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Local homemaker Darlene Ernst, 37, expressed her frustration with her husband Dean on Tuesday by vigorously scouring the... more»
Powerful 'His And Hers' Towel Lobby Stalls Gay Marriage Legislation

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 44•34 | 08.19.08 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Gay rights activists protested the defeat of bill S. 743 Monday, saying that the proposed legislation giving homosexuals the... more»
Typo In Proposition 8 Defines Marriage As Between 'One Man And One Wolfman'

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 44•51 | 12.17.08 | News in Brief

SACRAMENTO, CA—Activists on both sides of the gay marriage debate were shocked this November, when a typographical error in California's... more»
New Hampshire Passes Law Forcing Old People To Watch Gays Marry

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 45•27 | 06.17.09 | News in Brief

CONCORD, NH—Less than two weeks after legalizing gay marriage in the state, New Hampshire legislators enacted a new law Tuesday making it... more»
Kiss With Wife Pretty Good

ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 45•34 | 08.18.09 | News in Brief

DENTON, TX—Forty-one-year-old printer repairman and husband Nils Holzer was shocked by the quality of a kiss he shared with his wife before... more»
Attractive Woman, Wealthy Man Somehow Making It Work

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 46•01 | 01.06.10 | News in Brief

GREENWICH, CT—Despite their disparate backgrounds, lack of mutual interests, and seemingly insurmountable gap in age, former Miss Kentucky... more»
Encouraging Abstinence For Adults

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 43•28 ISSUE 42•45 | 11.08.06 | Infographic

The government recently expanded its abstinence-only message to include adults. They have used the following strategies to encourage men and women... more»
To Whom Would We Rather Be Married?

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 44•26 ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | Statshot
Who Are We Hiring For Our Weddings?

ISSUE 46•27 | 07.07.10 | Statshot
Party Guy Finds Party Wife

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 41•51 | 12.27.05 | Radio News
Pollster's Wife 'Somewhat Dissatisfied' With Her Marriage

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 42•22 | 06.05.06 | Radio News
Hopeless Romantic Beaten Up By Coworker's Husband

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 42•29 | 07.24.06 | Radio News
Desire To Ejaculate Motivates Local Christian To Wed

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 45•01 | 12.18.07 | Radio News
Kentucky Legislature Bans Gay Pet Weddings

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 44•26 ISSUE 41•40 | 06.24.08 | Radio News
Kellogg's Pulls Controversial 'Choco-Bastard' From Store Shelves

ISSUE 46•27 | 07.15.10 | Radio News
King Latifah Returns For Wife

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | News in Photos
Couple Forgets 70th Wedding Anniversary

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 40•27 | 07.07.04 | News in Photos
Wedding Invitation Includes Depressing Map To Church

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 40•36 | 09.08.04 | News in Photos
Bachelorette Party Saved By Actual Firemen

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | News in Photos
Cute Couple On Same Antidepressant

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 45•07 | 02.10.09 | News in Photos
Jason Statham Beats Wedding Planner To Death In New Romantic Comedy

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 45•29 | 07.14.09 | News in Photos
My Hot, Horny Housewife Has Been Spending An Awful Lot Of Time On The Phone Lately

ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 36•28 | 08.16.00 | Commentary

First off, let me just say that I'm not usually the jealous type. I have a wonderful marriage that's fulfilling in every way, so I have little reason to complain. It's just that, for some reason, I can't shake the feeling that June, my beloved hot, horny housewife of 21 years, has been spending an awful lot of time on the phone lately. more»
I Should Really Get Around To Reporting My Wife Missing

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 41•40 | 10.05.05 | Commentary

The Monday Susan disappeared, everything seemed normal—folded laundry in my drawers, clean dishes in the drying rack, and the living-room... more»
It's Amazing How Much You Can Learn About A Person Just By Hiring A Private Investigator

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 41•43 | 10.26.05 | Commentary

Do we ever really know the people we marry? I wonder. Now, I've known my wife Fran for 15 wonderful years, 10 of them in the most beautiful,... more»
My Morbidly Obese Wife Said The Most Interesting Thing The Other Day

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 44•31 | 07.30.08 | Commentary

After 23 years of marriage, you'd think there would be nothing in the world my morbidly obese wife could do to surprise me anymore. You'd say,... more»
I'm Sure That Out-Of-Control Water-Skier Will Avoid Our Outdoor Wedding

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 44•32 | 08.06.08 | Commentary

What a glorious day for an outdoor wedding. The guests have arrived on time, and all are dressed in their summer finest. So many people gathered... more»
Looks Like Someone Let The Affair Cat Out Of The Wife Bag

ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 44•40 | 10.01.08 | Commentary

Oh boy. This is bad. Really bad. I am up adultery creek without a slept-with-my-secretary paddle this time. There's just no denying it. I'm jammed... more»
I Have Seen The Future

ISSUE 46•27 | 07.07.10 | Commentary

The insufferable downy-cheeked technocrats in my employ at the Onion News Net-Work have informed me that, due to some folderol about worm-holes aboard fantastical ships that ply the very oceans of the sky, my news organization can now see the future! more»
Ways To Get The Opposite Sex's Attention Without Juggling

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 43•48 | 11.30.07 | Sunday Magazine
Ask A Bride And Groom's Self-Penned Wedding Vows

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 39•02 | 01.22.03 | Advice

Kris and Shauna are a recently married couple whose syndicated advice column, Ask A Bride And Groom's Self-Penned Wedding Vows, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide. more»
Wedding-Planning Tips

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 34•12 | 10.21.98 | Tips

A wedding is a magical event, but planning one can be loaded with potential pitfalls. Here are some helpful tips to make sure that special day is perfect in every way. more»
Future: News From The Year 2137 Trailer

ISSUE 46•27 | 06.30.10 | promo

While other media outlets bring you news as it happens, only the Onion News Network has the power to bring you the news before it happens. With our state-of-the-art wormhole satellites, we can now transmit Onion News Network broadcasts from the year 2137. more»
Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform Debate

ISSUE 46•27 | 07.09.10 | In The Know

In The Know panelists discuss yesterday's truck accident, and why nothing was done to prevent the vehicle from accidentally spiraling out of control and killing rafters in canyon below. more»
Prescription Painkiller Abuse Up

ISSUE 46•27 | 07.05.10 | American Voices

According to a Department of Health and Human Services study, emergency room visits for recreational use of opioid painkillers went up 111 percent from 2004 to 2008. more»
Regular Coffee Drinkers No More Alert

ISSUE 46•27 | 07.06.10 | American Voices

Researchers at Bristol University in the UK have found that heavy coffee drinkers derive no boost from the beverage, but merely stave off the depressive effects of withdrawal. more»
The High Cost Of Weddings

ISSUE 46•27 | 07.07.10 | American Voices

The average cost of a wedding in the United States is $19,581. more»
Obese Engage In Unsafe Sex More

ISSUE 46•27 | 07.09.10 | American Voices

A French study revealed that obese people have sex less often than those of healthier weight, but engage in riskier behavior when they do. more»
Marriage

ISSUE 46•27 | 07.07.10 | Slideshow
Health Care

ISSUE 46•27 | 07.08.10 | Slideshow
New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products

ISSUE 46•27 | 07.07.10 | Tech Trends

Tech Trends' Jeff Tate explains the new service that pairs insufferable Apple customers with "friends" that will listen to them rattle on for hours. more»

Featured Issues

Onion News Network On IFC »

Facebook