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Repeal Of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Paves Way For Gay Sex Right On Battlefield, Opponents Fantasize

• Nation Demands Tax Dollars Only Be Wasted On Stuff That's Awesome

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.13.10 | News

  WASHINGTON—Nine of 10 respondents said they favor the continued public financing of new sports stadiums, but only if the old ones are imploded in an elaborate pyrotechnic display that everyone can watch from reclining chairs as AC/DC's "Highway To Hell" blasts in the background. more»

  

• Uncle Greg To Attempt Comeback At Family Barbecue

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.15.10 | News

  BATON ROUGE, LA—Sources agree that Uncle Greg peaked in 1999, and that a long string of ugly incidents since then—including Aunt Margaret’s birthday party, during which he made an unfortunate joke about her spinsterhood, and the picnic at the lake to which he brought his best friend Bobby, who kept hitting on a 16-year-old niece—has all but cemented his role as the family’s black sheep. more»

  

• Boulder, Colorado, Named Best Place To Raise Abducted Children

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.17.10 | News

  BOULDER, CO—"Boulder is the perfect place for me and the girls," said a local resident who asked that we refer to him only as Peter. "Trust me, we've lived all over: Sacramento, Reno, Tucson, Dallas, Orlando, northern Mexico for a few weeks, Dallas again, even Alaska. Nowhere else comes close." more»

  

• Rock Fans Outraged As Bob Dylan Goes Electronica

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.12.10 | News in Brief

  NEWPORT, RI—Audience members at the Newport Rock Festival were "outraged" Monday when rock icon Bob Dylan followed up such classic hits as "Like A Rolling Stone" and "Maggie's Farm" with an electronica set composed of a... more»

  

• More Americans Concerned Illegal Immigrants Will Take Their Spot On Couch

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.13.10 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—According to a Los Angeles Times survey published Tuesday, an increasing number of Americans believe undocumented immigrants pose a threat to their favored spot on the couch, with many expressing concern that illegal aliens are ... more»

• EPA Study: Rivers Shouldn't Smell Like Shit

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.14.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—A study released Monday by the Environmental Protection Agency concluded that rivers should never smell like shit, noting that when naturally occurring waterways do reek of fecal matter there is "more than likely something wrong with... more»

• 6-Year-Old Becomes First Child To Complete Solo Ride Around Block

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.15.10 | News in Brief

  SPRINGFIELD, MA—In a daring feat of circumnavigation never before attempted, 6-year-old Connor Damrush successfully completed a circuit of the 2500 block of Parker Drive early Saturday morning, silencing naysayers who had called it impossible. more»

• FCC Chairman Overturns Decision To Cancel 'Party Down'

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.15.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Citing the fact that the series never really got the chance it deserved, the Federal Communications Commission announced Monday that it was immediately reversing the Starz channel's decision to cancel the critically acclaimed TV show Part... more»

• Struggling High School Cuts Football—Nah, Just Kidding, Art It Is

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.16.10 | News in Brief

  BROWNSVILLE, PA—Superintendent David Geyer announced Tuesday that due to the high cost of new equipment, regular field maintenance, and rising coaches' salaries, Brownsville High would be forced to shut down its footba—ha, yeah right, the arts... more»

• Unpublished Twain Autobiography Rails Against YouTube, BP, War In Afghanistan

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.16.10 | News in Brief

  BERKELEY, CA—Editors of the long-awaited autobiography of Mark Twain said Tuesday they were surprised to discover the unedited manuscript of the forthcoming book contains lashing, in-depth criticism of the website YouTube, the recent BP oil spill, a... more»

• Mapping The Ozzy Genome

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.15.10 | Infographic

  Last month, the Cambridge, MA company Knome began mapping the complete DNA sequence for heavy metal singer and former reality star Ozzy Osbourne. Here are some of the discoveries made so far: more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 13, 2010

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.13.10 | Horoscope

  Aries A combination of hubris, treachery, and everyday low prices will soon mark the end of your reign as Mattress King. Taurus Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a st... more»

• Why Didn't We Get That Raise?

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.14.10 | Statshot

  

• Packing Tips

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.15.10 | Statshot

  

• Must-Have Souvenirs

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.16.10 | Statshot

  

• Bourbon Helps Carpet Salesman Forget About Carpeting For Awhile

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.12.10 | Radio News

• Ritalin Gummies Unveiled

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.13.10 | Radio News

• Bold New Campaign Reminds America Beef Exists

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.14.10 | Radio News

• Crazy Man Announces Plans To Stand In Doorway, Yell At Cars

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.16.10 | Radio News

• Heroic Goldfish Given Viking Flushing

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.13.10 | News in Photos

  

• Arizona High Schools To Now Teach Spanish Entirely In English

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.17.10 | News in Photos

  

• Fuck, I Just Realized I'm Going To Be One Of The People Who Die In This Heat Wave

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.13.10 | Commentary

  Boy, is it a scorcher! Don't think I've seen one like this since the summer of '49. more»

• Fill Your Own Goddamn Emotional Void

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.15.10 | Commentary

  That's it. Put me down right now. Just stop for a second, will you please? more»

• Athletes, Drugs And Guns: Our Annual Power Rankings

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•28 | 07.16.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• July 12, 2010

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.12.10 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Despite Repeated Attempts To Tear It Down, Massive LeBron James Mural Keeps Reappearing

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•28 | 07.16.10 | Sports News

  CLEVELAND—Shocked Cleveland residents stared silently Thursday as workers tried for the 11th consecutive day to dismantle the massive black-and-white "We Are All Witnesses" LeBron James mural hanging from the downtown area's Landmark Offic... more»

  

• Sports Journalists Deplete Maudlin Reserves While Memorializing Bob Sheppard

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.16.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—The death and subsequent overly sentimental eulogizing of longtime Yankees announcer Bob Sheppard has left sportswriting's maudlin stockpiles almost completely exhausted, sources at the Baseball Writers Association of America reported Wedne... more»

• ESPN Green-Lights 'The Decision' For 22 More Episodes

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.17.10 | Sports News in Brief

  BRISTOL, CT—ESPN president George Bodenheimer announced Wednesday that the hour-long program The Decision, a melodrama about NBA superstar LeBron James declaring his intention to join the Miami Heat, has been green-lighted for an additional 22 episo... more»

• South Africa Realizes All Its Things Were Stolen During World Cup

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•28 | 07.19.10 | Sports News in Brief

  JOHANNESBURG—Although the nation is receiving positive reviews of its job hosting the 2010 FIFA World Cup, South Africa was shocked to discover Monday that most of its belongings had been robbed while the nation was distracted by the month of soccer... more»

• Raiders Excited About Prospect Of Signing Free Agent JaMarcus Russell

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.20.10 | Sports News in Brief

  OAKLAND, CA—Raiders owner Al Davis enthusiastically praised free agent quarterback JaMarcus Russell at a press conference Thursday, calling the first overall pick in the 2007 draft an exciting playmaker and a perfect fit for the team's offense. more»

• Future Recruiting Violation Makes Commitment To Michigan

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.21.10 | Sports News in Brief

  MEMPHIS, TN—During a signing ceremony at his high school's gymnasium Thursday, one of the nation's top recruiting violations made his intent to play basketball for the University of Michigan official. more»

• Highlights Of The 2010 World Cup

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.16.10 | Sportsgraphic

  The World Cup is over, Spain has been crowned champion, and we reflect on what made the whole tournament worthwhile. more»

  

• George Steinbrenner Dead After Firing Underperforming Heart

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.13.10 | Photo Finish

  

• Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.14.10 | Today Now!

  "'Molly' and Developmental Psychologist Dr. Kenneth Ives come on Today Now! to talk about her upbringing as a half-human, half-Wolf Blitzer. more»

  

• Vitamin B6 May Help Block Cancer

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.12.10 | American Voices

  A new study found that smokers with higher levels of vitamin B6 in their system were less likely to contract lung cancer. more»

• Collecting Social Security At 70?

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.13.10 | American Voices

  Lawmakers from both parties are considering raising the age at which young Americans would be eligible for full Social Security benefits from 65 to 70. more»

• Guacamole, Salsa Faulted For Outbreaks

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.14.10 | American Voices

  A new study from the Centers for Disease Control found that nearly one out of every 25 food-borne illnesses traced to restaurants is caused by contaminated salsa or guacamole. more»

• Iranian Nuclear Scientist Claims CIA Abduction

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.15.10 | American Voices

  An Iranian nuclear scientist who disappeared last year during a pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia turned up at the Pakistani embassy in Washington claiming he had been kidnapped by the CIA. more»

• Clinton Brought In On Economy

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.16.10 | American Voices

  The White House announced Wednesday that it had enlisted former president Bill Clinton to reach out to businesses and encourage job creation. more»

• On Michael Vick's Continuing Troubles:

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.16.10 | Fan On The Street

• Nostalgia

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.13.10 | Slideshow

  

• The Best Of God

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.19.10 | Slideshow

  

• Laptop Computers

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.14.10 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, I'd like to point out that I was an early supporter of laptop computers. Thank you. Lauren Reynolds, Chicago more»

• Free Newspapers

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.17.10 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, I hate to break it to you, but two different people were standing in the subway station this morning giving away free newspapers to anyone who wanted one. Looks like you're fucked. Sorry. Dino Facelli, Brookline, MA more»

• The Vanguard Of Security Technology

  ISSUE 46•28 | 07.14.10 | Interactive Feature

  Following the attempted Christmas Day bombing of Northwestern Flight 253, the TSA has moved to heighten security. more»

  

• sun

  Lowest pressure imagineable