WASHINGTON—Nine of 10 respondents said they favor the continued public financing of new sports stadiums, but only if the old ones are imploded in ...

BATON ROUGE, LA—Sources agree that Uncle Greg peaked in 1999, and that a long string of ugly incidents since then—including Aunt Margaret’s ...

BOULDER, CO—"Boulder is the perfect place for me and the girls," said a local resident who asked that we refer to him only as ...

NEWPORT, RI—Audience members at the Newport Rock Festival were "outraged" Monday when rock icon Bob Dylan followed up such classic hits as "Like A ...

LOS ANGELES—According to a Los Angeles Times survey published Tuesday, an increasing number of Americans believe undocumented immigrants pose a threat to their favored ...

WASHINGTON—A study released Monday by the Environmental Protection Agency concluded that rivers should never smell like shit, noting that when naturally occurring waterways do ...

SPRINGFIELD, MA—In a daring feat of circumnavigation never before attempted, 6-year-old Connor Damrush successfully completed a circuit of the 2500 block of Parker Drive ...

WASHINGTON—Citing the fact that the series never really got the chance it deserved, the Federal Communications Commission announced Monday that it was immediately reversing ...

BROWNSVILLE, PA—Superintendent David Geyer announced Tuesday that due to the high cost of new equipment, regular field maintenance, and rising coaches' salaries, Brownsville High ...

BERKELEY, CA—Editors of the long-awaited autobiography of Mark Twain said Tuesday they were surprised to discover the unedited manuscript of the forthcoming book contains ...

Last month, the Cambridge, MA company Knome began mapping the complete DNA sequence for heavy metal singer and former reality star Ozzy Osbourne. Here are ...

Aries A combination of hubris, treachery, and everyday low prices will soon mark the end of your reign as Mattress King. Taurus Smuggling cocaine across ...

CLEVELAND—Shocked Cleveland residents stared silently Thursday as workers tried for the 11th consecutive day to dismantle the massive black-and-white "We Are All Witnesses" LeBron ...

NEW YORK—The death and subsequent overly sentimental eulogizing of longtime Yankees announcer Bob Sheppard has left sportswriting's maudlin stockpiles almost completely exhausted, sources ...

BRISTOL, CT—ESPN president George Bodenheimer announced Wednesday that the hour-long program The Decision, a melodrama about NBA superstar LeBron James declaring his intention to ...

JOHANNESBURG—Although the nation is receiving positive reviews of its job hosting the 2010 FIFA World Cup, South Africa was shocked to discover Monday that ...

OAKLAND, CA—Raiders owner Al Davis enthusiastically praised free agent quarterback JaMarcus Russell at a press conference Thursday, calling the first overall pick in the ...

MEMPHIS, TN—During a signing ceremony at his high school's gymnasium Thursday, one of the nation's top recruiting violations made his intent to ...

The World Cup is over, Spain has been crowned champion, and we reflect on what made the whole tournament worthwhile.

"'Molly' and Developmental Psychologist Dr. Kenneth Ives come on Today Now! to talk about her upbringing as a half-human, half-Wolf Blitzer.

A new study found that smokers with higher levels of vitamin B6 in their system were less likely to contract lung cancer.

Lawmakers from both parties are considering raising the age at which young Americans would be eligible for full Social Security benefits from 65 to 70.

A new study from the Centers for Disease Control found that nearly one out of every 25 food-borne illnesses traced to restaurants is caused by ...

An Iranian nuclear scientist who disappeared last year during a pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia turned up at the Pakistani embassy in Washington claiming he had ...

The White House announced Wednesday that it had enlisted former president Bill Clinton to reach out to businesses and encourage job creation.

Dear The Onion, I'd like to point out that I was an early supporter of laptop computers. Thank you. Lauren Reynolds, Chicago

Dear The Onion, I hate to break it to you, but two different people were standing in the subway station this morning giving away free ...

Following the attempted Christmas Day bombing of Northwestern Flight 253, the TSA has moved to heighten security.