Future Recruiting Violation Makes Commitment To Michigan

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Issue 4628

ESPN Green-Lights 'The Decision' For 22 More Episodes

BRISTOL, CT—ESPN president George Bodenheimer announced Wednesday that the hour-long program The Decision, a melodrama about NBA superstar LeBron James declaring his intention to join the Miami Heat, has been green-lighted for an additional 22 episo...

Boulder, Colorado, Named Best Place To Raise Abducted Children

BOULDER, CO—"Boulder is the perfect place for me and the girls," said a local resident who asked that we refer to him only as Peter. "Trust me, we've lived all over: Sacramento, Reno, Tucson, Dallas, Orlando, northern Mexico for a few weeks, Dallas again, even Alaska. Nowhere else comes close."

FCC Chairman Overturns Decision To Cancel 'Party Down'

WASHINGTON—Citing the fact that the series never really got the chance it deserved, the Federal Communications Commission announced Monday that it was immediately reversing the Starz channel's decision to cancel the critically acclaimed TV show Part...

Mapping The Ozzy Genome

Last month, the Cambridge, MA company Knome began mapping the complete DNA sequence for heavy metal singer and former reality star Ozzy Osbourne. Here are some of the discoveries made so far:

Uncle Greg To Attempt Comeback At Family Barbecue

BATON ROUGE, LA—Sources agree that Uncle Greg peaked in 1999, and that a long string of ugly incidents since then—including Aunt Margaret’s birthday party, during which he made an unfortunate joke about her spinsterhood, and the picnic at the lake to which he brought his best friend Bobby, who kept hitting on a 16-year-old niece—has all but cemented his role as the family’s black sheep.

EPA Study: Rivers Shouldn't Smell Like Shit

WASHINGTON—A study released Monday by the Environmental Protection Agency concluded that rivers should never smell like shit, noting that when naturally occurring waterways do reek of fecal matter there is "more than likely something wrong with...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 13, 2010

Aries A combination of hubris, treachery, and everyday low prices will soon mark the end of your reign as Mattress King. Taurus Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a st...

Nation Demands Tax Dollars Only Be Wasted On Stuff That's Awesome

WASHINGTON—Nine of 10 respondents said they favor the continued public financing of new sports stadiums, but only if the old ones are imploded in an elaborate pyrotechnic display that everyone can watch from reclining chairs as AC/DC's "Highway To Hell" blasts in the background.

Rock Fans Outraged As Bob Dylan Goes Electronica

NEWPORT, RI—Audience members at the Newport Rock Festival were "outraged" Monday when rock icon Bob Dylan followed up such classic hits as "Like A Rolling Stone" and "Maggie's Farm" with an electronica set composed of a...
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Future Recruiting Violation Makes Commitment To Michigan

MEMPHIS, TN—During a signing ceremony at his high school's gymnasium Thursday, one of the nation's top recruiting violations made his intent to play basketball for the University of Michigan official. "I'm excited to be part of the Michigan tradition, and I hope to start helping them this year," said the recruiting violation, 19, referring to a season that the NCAA will eventually strip from the record books. "I hope to follow in the rich tradition of Robert Traylor and Chris Webber." Though rumors are already swirling concerning his close ties to wealthy alumni athletic boosters, the recruiting violation expressly and vehemently denied these allegations in a conference call made from his new Porsche Cayenne.