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Trojan Introduces ‘No One’s Pleasure’ Condoms For Bitter, Resentful Couples

• Newly Discovered Documents Shed Light On Nation's Creepy Founding Uncles

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.28.10 | News

  PHILADELPHIA—"The United States would not be the place it is today without these pioneering creeps," said historian Leland Collier. more»

  

• Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.29.10 | News

  WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is primarily the result of millions of Americans just completely blowing their job interviews. more»

  

• No Reason You Can't Be Chiropractor Like Your Cousin Jeffrey

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.31.10 | News

  DAVENPORT, IA—According to your Aunt Sharon, Jeffrey is his own boss, he can take vacation time whenever he wants, and people call him "doctor." more»

  

• Backpacker Planning To Shatter Europeans' Preconceptions Of Americans

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.26.10 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO—Recent college graduate Tyler Hill announced Monday his plans to single-handedly shatter European ideas about American travelers during his upcoming three-week trip to France and Belgium. more»

• Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.27.10 | News in Brief

  GOTHAM CITY—Supervillain Lady Gaga brazenly abducted Commis≠sioner James Gordon from a charity fundraiser Tuesday, leaving police baffled and the citizens of Gotham fearing for their safety. more»

  

• Man Has Mosquito On The Run

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.28.10 | News in Brief

  RALEIGH, NC—As of 11:42 p.m. more»

• Bar Patrons Dismayed By Sight Of Band Setting Up

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.29.10 | News in Brief

  ATLANTA—Patrons of Valentine's Tavern were visibly crestfallen Tuesday when their pleasant evening of drinking and conversing with friends was suddenly derailed by the sight of a few people plugging in instruments. more»

• New Robot Capable Of Unhealthily Repressing Emotion

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.30.10 | News in Brief

  PITTSBURGH—Announcing a crucial breakthrough in the effort to create machines that accurately simulate human behavior, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University said Monday they had built the first robot with the capacity to suppress its emotions. more»

• Chelsea Clinton Getting Married

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.28.10 | Infographic

  Chelsea Clinton, daughter of former president Bill Clinton and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, is marrying Marc Mezvinsky this Saturday in a ceremony that will be attended by Barack Obama, Barbra Streisand, and Oprah Winfrey. Here's what to expect from the nuptials. more»

  

• Your Horoscope - Week Of July 27, 2010

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.27.10 | Horoscope

  Aries Just when it seems that all hope is gone, you'll discover a deep untapped reservoir of hope within you which will soon be gone too. Taurus You've always wanted to yell "Stop the presses," but just when it... more»

• What Tricks Are We Teaching Our Dogs?

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.28.10 | Statshot

  

• Raccoon Leaders Call For Loosening Of Garbage-Can Lids

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.26.10 | Radio News

• North Dakota Still Leads Nation In Parking Availability

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.27.10 | Radio News

• Area Man Experimenting With Homosexuality For Past 8 Years

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.28.10 | Radio News

• Gatorade Pledges $200 Million In Thirst Aid To Underquenched Nations

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.29.10 | Radio News

• Canvas Shopping Bag Celebrates Third Year On Doorknob

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.27.10 | News in Photos

  

• If Only There Were Some Way I Could Watch Premium Movies In The Comfort Of My Own Home

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.29.10 | Commentary

  Television technology has been improving for decades, to the point where anyone anywhere in the country has access to hundreds of quality cable channels at the touch of a button. Shouldn't watching the hottest films, with today's hottest stars, be just a click away, too? more»

• Are Physical Events Truly Individuated On The Basis Of Spatio-Temporal Localization, Or Is This Merely A Convenient Ontological Mode Of Evading The Influence Of Causal Powers? 

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.30.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• My Dad Is A Army Guy vs. I Am A Army Guy

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.27.10 | Point/Counterpoint

  My name is Brian but my dad's name is Sgt. Carrelson and he's a Army guy! He has lots of different guns he shoots with his friends in Iraq and they drive tanks too. more»

• Lip-Reading BCS Computer Kills Officials Who Want To Shut It Down

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•30 | 07.30.10 | Sports News

  TEMPE, AZ—BCS 9000, the sentient heuristic computer responsible for arranging five championship bowl games at the end of each college football season, reportedly uncovered a plot to disconnect its cognitive circuits Tuesday and proceeded to kill any... more»

  

• Tiger Woods Sucks Now, Reports U.S. Department Of Guys At The Bar

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•30 | 07.27.10 | Sports News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—During a six-hour committee hearing Sunday at McKenzie's Pub on 14th and G Streets, the U.S. more»

• James, Bosh, Wade Decide Nickname Will Be 'The Three-Headed Shitstorm'

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.28.10 | Sports News in Brief

  MIAMI—After weeks of debate over their collective nickname, Lebron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade announced yesterday that the newly formed all-star trio would call themselves the Three-Headed Shitstorm. more»

• Bengals Sign Terrell Owens To One-Year, $2 Million Ordeal

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.30.10 | Sports News in Brief

  CINCINNATI—The Bengals reached a contract agreement with wide receiver Terrell Owens Tuesday, signing the outspoken six-time Pro Bowler to an excruciating one-year ordeal worth $2 million plus bonuses. more»

• Several NBA Teams Interested In Shaq As A Person

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.31.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Officials from the Hawks, Celtics, and Heat expressed interest in Shaquille O'Neal as a person Wednesday, confirming league rumors that they believed the free agent center would be highly suitable for a long-term friendship. more»

• Indians Apologize For Not Having Ace Pitcher To Trade To Contender This Year

  ISSUE 46•30 | 08.02.10 | Sports News in Brief

  CLEVELAND—Addressing fans, rival MLB teams, and commissioner Bud Selig, Indians general manager Mark Shapiro delivered a heartfelt apology Tuesday, lamenting the lack of a Cy Young Award–winning pitcher his team could trade to a legitimate con... more»

• NASCAR To Abandon Racing Portion Of Business, Concentrate On Ads

  ISSUE 46•30 | 08.03.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—In a move designed to bring their business closer to its core values, top NASCAR officials announced Monday that from now on, rather than racing to determine a winner, advertising-bedecked cars would slowly circle the track in a noncompetit... more»

• Confusion Among Boxing's Sanctioning Bodies Results In Manny Pacquiao Fighting Self For 3 Separate Belts

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•30 | 08.04.10 | Sports News in Brief

  LAS VEGAS—The World Boxing Organization, International Boxing Federation, and World Boxing Association held separate press conferences Monday resulting in the eventual announcement that Manny "Pride of the Philippines" Pacquiao, a seven-ti... more»

• Lance Armstrong's Tour De France Career

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.30.10 | Sportsgraphic

  Seven-time champ Armstrong will almost certainly retire from cycling following his crash-ridden swan song in this year's Tour, but he leaves fans with many memories. more»

  

• Stephen Strasburg

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.30.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  After only nine starts, Strasburg's incredible speed, motion, and control have made this pitcher the most exciting rookie baseball has seen in years. Is he any good? more»

  

• Jennie Finch Retires From Lists Of World's Hottest Female Athletes

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.30.10 | Photo Finish

  

• Guatemalan Flight's Data-Recording Parrot Holds Clues To Crash

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.27.10 | Newsroom

  Chilling audio recovered from Flight 1134's data-recording parrot, Banana, contain mentions of "altitude loss", "pretty feathers". more»

  

• Del Toro To Direct Disney's 'Haunted Mansion'

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.26.10 | American Voices

  Guillermo del Toro, director of Pan's Labyrinth and Hellboy, announced that his next project would be directing The Haunted Mansion, a film based on the Disney World ride. more»

• Second Monument Found On Stonehenge Site

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.27.10 | American Voices

  Scientists studying the terrain around Stonehenge may have discovered the foundation of a wooden Stonehenge. more»

• Defecating Birds Stop Kings Of Leon

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.28.10 | American Voices

  After being hit repeatedly by pigeon feces from the rafters of the Verizon Amphitheater in St. more»

• Tennessee Candidate Asks If Islam Is Cult

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.29.10 | American Voices

  At an event earlier this month, Tennessee gubernatorial candidate Ron Ramsey questioned whether Islam was a religion or a cult, drawing criticism from Muslim leaders. more»

• Congress Rolls Back Crack Sentencing

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.30.10 | American Voices

  The U.S. Congress passed legislation reducing the disparity of sentencing for crack cocaine possession versus powder cocaine from 100:1 to 18:1. more»

• On Dez Bryant Refusing To Carry Roy Williams' Pads

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.30.10 | Fan On The Street

• Color Blind

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.28.10 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, I'm color-blind. What's green like? Brian Ackley, Southfield, MI more»

• Oil Change

  ISSUE 46•30 | 07.31.10 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, I'd just like to say there's no reason to change your oil every 3,000 miles. Your car can make it to 5,000 easy. Don Schwarting, Saginaw, MI more»

• sun

  Sun-kissed brushstrokes of cirrus and azure