PHILADELPHIA—"The United States would not be the place it is today without these pioneering creeps," said historian Leland Collier.

WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is primarily the ...

DAVENPORT, IA—According to your Aunt Sharon, Jeffrey is his own boss, he can take vacation time whenever he wants, and people call him "doctor."

CHICAGO—Recent college graduate Tyler Hill announced Monday his plans to single-handedly shatter European ideas about American travelers during his upcoming three-week trip to France ...

GOTHAM CITY—Supervillain Lady Gaga brazenly abducted Commis≠sioner James Gordon from a charity fundraiser Tuesday, leaving police baffled and the citizens of Gotham fearing ...

RALEIGH, NC—As of 11:42 p.m.

ATLANTA—Patrons of Valentine's Tavern were visibly crestfallen Tuesday when their pleasant evening of drinking and conversing with friends was suddenly derailed by the ...

PITTSBURGH—Announcing a crucial breakthrough in the effort to create machines that accurately simulate human behavior, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University said Monday they had ...

Chelsea Clinton, daughter of former president Bill Clinton and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, is marrying Marc Mezvinsky this Saturday in a ceremony that will ...

Aries Just when it seems that all hope is gone, you'll discover a deep untapped reservoir of hope within you which will soon be ...

My name is Brian but my dad's name is Sgt. Carrelson and he's a Army guy! He has lots of different guns he ...

TEMPE, AZ—BCS 9000, the sentient heuristic computer responsible for arranging five championship bowl games at the end of each college football season, reportedly uncovered ...

WASHINGTON—During a six-hour committee hearing Sunday at McKenzie's Pub on 14th and G Streets, the U.S.

MIAMI—After weeks of debate over their collective nickname, Lebron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade announced yesterday that the newly formed all-star trio would ...

CINCINNATI—The Bengals reached a contract agreement with wide receiver Terrell Owens Tuesday, signing the outspoken six-time Pro Bowler to an excruciating one-year ordeal worth ...

NEW YORK—Officials from the Hawks, Celtics, and Heat expressed interest in Shaquille O'Neal as a person Wednesday, confirming league rumors that they believed ...

CLEVELAND—Addressing fans, rival MLB teams, and commissioner Bud Selig, Indians general manager Mark Shapiro delivered a heartfelt apology Tuesday, lamenting the lack of a ...

NEW YORK—In a move designed to bring their business closer to its core values, top NASCAR officials announced Monday that from now on, rather ...

LAS VEGAS—The World Boxing Organization, International Boxing Federation, and World Boxing Association held separate press conferences Monday resulting in the eventual announcement that Manny ...

Seven-time champ Armstrong will almost certainly retire from cycling following his crash-ridden swan song in this year's Tour, but he leaves fans with many ...

After only nine starts, Strasburg's incredible speed, motion, and control have made this pitcher the most exciting rookie baseball has seen in years. Is ...

Chilling audio recovered from Flight 1134's data-recording parrot, Banana, contain mentions of "altitude loss", "pretty feathers".

Guillermo del Toro, director of Pan's Labyrinth and Hellboy, announced that his next project would be directing The Haunted Mansion, a film based on ...

Scientists studying the terrain around Stonehenge may have discovered the foundation of a wooden Stonehenge.

After being hit repeatedly by pigeon feces from the rafters of the Verizon Amphitheater in St.

At an event earlier this month, Tennessee gubernatorial candidate Ron Ramsey questioned whether Islam was a religion or a cult, drawing criticism from Muslim leaders.

The U.S. Congress passed legislation reducing the disparity of sentencing for crack cocaine possession versus powder cocaine from 100:1 to 18:1.

Dear The Onion, I'm color-blind. What's green like? Brian Ackley, Southfield, MI

Dear The Onion, I'd just like to say there's no reason to change your oil every 3,000 miles. Your car can make ...