Bears Spend Entire Day Waiting Around For Mike Martz To Install High-Powered Offense

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Issue 4631

NFL Fans Turn Out In Droves To Watch Men Touch Cones

NEW YORK—Fans of professional football turned out more than 100,000 strong last week to watch grown men perform calisthenics, huddle around one another, and even run up to and touch orange cones, spokesmen for the NFL said Wednesday.

Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet

SPRINGFIELD, IL—After ending the 2010 fiscal year with a record $4.7 billion in unpaid bills, officials say Illinois has been actively pursuing a number of sexually explicit scenes in direct-to-DVD features until it gets back on its feet.

Albert Haynesworth

The Redskins' defensive lineman has a checkered past and is currently struggling to get into condition. Is he any good?

The Quotable Ozzie Guillen

The colorful White Sox manager is in the spotlight for comments about supposed favoritism toward Asian players, but it isn't the first time he's had something to say.

Michigan Also Hit By Oil Spill

BP's oil spill has proven to be the worst ecological disaster in U.S. history, and with attention focused on the accident in the Gulf, many others—such as a pipeline leak that recently dumped 800,000 gallons of oil into a Michigan river—have been overshadowed. Here are a few that have been lost in the shuffle:

Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 3, 2010

Aries Your belief that all life's problems can be solved with a heart-to-heart talk and a good night's sleep will be severely tested this week when you're introduced to mathematics. Taurus This is a good week to start ne...

Mom Finally Drunk Enough To Put On Bathing Suit

GALVESTON, TX—Members of the Morris family reported that after two margaritas at the Hilton Island Resort bar on Saturday, mom Helen Morris reached the level of intoxication necessary to don her bathing suit.

Recently Single Al Gore Finally Able To Listen To W.A.S.P. Albums

NASHVILLE, TN—"For the first time in decades, I get to play the kind of music I like without someone nagging me about what a bad influence it is," said Gore, sitting on the floor of his living room as he cued up the song "Animal (Fuck Like A Beast)" on his stereo. "And I get to crank it up as loud as I want."
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Bears Spend Entire Day Waiting Around For Mike Martz To Install High-Powered Offense

CHICAGO—Bears players and coaches spent their first day of training camp Monday waiting for new offensive coordinator Mike Martz to install their much-anticipated high-powered offense, a system Martz originally claimed he would have up and running "right away." "First he showed up late, then he spent most of the morning just figuring out where we want to put the receivers," said Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, adding that his concerns about the installation were directed to Martz's "unhelpful" technical staff. "He was promising us all these huge gains in performance, and said he could give us a bunch of special drills, but honestly, I just want the most basic offense out there." At press time, head coach Lovie Smith had been on hold with Martz for the past three hours.