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Recently Single Al Gore Finally Able To Listen To W.A.S.P. Albums

• DHS Releases 5 Terrorists Into U.S. To Test National Security

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.04.10 | News

  WASHINGTON—"If the Empire State Building or Jefferson Memorial blows up, for example, then we'll know we have to make some improvements," DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano said. "It's all part of the process." more»

  

• Cult Divided On Whether To Let Women Become Telepathic-Vision Clerics

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.05.10 | News

  KLAMATH FALLS, OR—According to sources within the Seventh Light compound, a rift has recently emerged within the cult over the question of whether to ordain female disciples as telepathic-vision clerics. more»

  

• Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.07.10 | News

  SPRINGFIELD, IL—After ending the 2010 fiscal year with a record $4.7 billion in unpaid bills, officials say Illinois has been actively pursuing a number of sexually explicit scenes in direct-to-DVD features until it gets back on its feet. more»

  

• CVS Now Selling Cheaper, CVS-Brand 'People' Magazine

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.02.10 | News in Brief

  WOONSOCKET, RI—In an effort to provide a budget-conscious equivalent to People magazine, CVS drugstores nationwide began selling the store-brand CVS Celebrity Magazine on Wednesday. more»

• Mom Finally Drunk Enough To Put On Bathing Suit

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.03.10 | News in Brief

  GALVESTON, TX—Members of the Morris family reported that after two margaritas at the Hilton Island Resort bar on Saturday, mom Helen Morris reached the level of intoxication necessary to don her bathing suit. more»

• Neighbors' Wi-Fi Password Must Be Something Good

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.04.10 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO—After exhausting all the obvious candidates, laptop user Ted Murphy concluded Thursday that the Wi-Fi password of the Ostermann family next door must be something pretty good. more»

• Senate Unable To Get Enough Republican Votes To Honor 'To Kill A Mockingbird'

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.04.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Unable to find a single Republican senator willing to break ranks and support the measure, Senate Democrats failed Thursday to stop the filibuster of S. more»

• 'Modern Family' Appears At 9 p.m. Just As Prophesied In 'TV Guide'

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.05.10 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—As it has since the time before the Dawning of Color, the wise oracle TV Guide channeled visions from beyond the veil of this world last week to foretell the Wednesday night airing of Modern Family on ABC. more»

• Boeing Lays Off Only Guy Who Knows How To Keep Wings On Plane

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.06.10 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO—With the airline industry continuing to suffer under the ongoing recession, the Boeing Company was forced Monday to lay off Al Freedman, the only guy left at the corporation who knows how to keep wings from falling off planes. more»

• Michigan Also Hit By Oil Spill

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.04.10 | Infographic

  BP's oil spill has proven to be the worst ecological disaster in U.S. history, and with attention focused on the accident in the Gulf, many others—such as a pipeline leak that recently dumped 800,000 gallons of oil into a Michigan river—have been overshadowed. Here are a few that have been lost in the shuffle: more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 3, 2010

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.03.10 | Horoscope

  Aries Your belief that all life's problems can be solved with a heart-to-heart talk and a good night's sleep will be severely tested this week when you're introduced to mathematics. Taurus This is a good week to start ne... more»

• What Are We Saving For A Special Occasion?

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.04.10 | Statshot

  

• Man On TV Urges Mass Purchase Of Listerine

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.02.10 | Radio News

• Neighborhood Children Gear Up For Hotly Anticipated 'Opening Of The Gerbil's Tomb'

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.03.10 | Radio News

• Make-A-Wish Foundation Strongly Criticized After Dying 14-Year-Old Crashes Jet

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.04.10 | Radio News

• National Machete Association Speaks Out Against Machete-Control Legislation

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.06.10 | Radio News

• Everything That’s Wrong With Business In America Given Promotion

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.03.10 | News in Photos

  

• Alligator Can’t Stop Thinking About Delicious Swan From Last Week

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.07.10 | News in Photos

  

• I'm The Reason There Are Signs Warning You Not To Play On The Luggage Conveyor Belt

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.03.10 | Commentary

  The next time you're waiting at the airport baggage claim, thinking maybe you'll treat yourself to a little spin on the conveyor belt—feel its twists and turns as you watch the world slide by—I suggest you think again. more»

• In This Family We Maintain The Ways Of The Old Suburb

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.05.10 | Commentary

  If there is one constant in life, it is change. Everyone knows this, yet it comes so quickly that it can swallow you up and sweep you away without warning. more»

• How You Can Instantly Increase Your IQ By Standing In Front Of A Nice Bookshelf

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.06.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• 'Sports Illustrated' Sends Out Army Of Peter Kings To Cover NFL Training Camp

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•31 | 08.06.10 | Sports News

  NEW YORK—Looking to cover every possible angle of NFL training camp, Sports Illustrated has once again unleashed its army of 350,000 Peter King clones on the preseason workout facilities of all 32 NFL teams. Marching in lockstep, dressed in identica... more»

  

• Mike Shanahan Cancels Rest Of Redskins Practices: 'We're As Good As We Can Get'

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.06.10 | Sports News in Brief

  ASHBURN, VA—Discouraged by player performance during workouts, drills, meetings, and stretching exercises, head coach Mike Shanahan canceled the Redskins' remaining 2010–2011 practices Wednesday, conceding that no amount of training could poss... more»

• LaDainian Tomlinson Enters Camp In Top Week-3, 2nd-Quarter, 4th-Offensive-Series Form

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.09.10 | Sports News in Brief

  CORTLAND, NY—Jets coaches praised the conditioning of 10-year veteran LaDainian Tomlinson Monday, saying the running back showed up for camp in the shape typical of a player midway through the fourth offensive series of the second quarter of the thi... more»

• Pirates Mathematically Eliminated From Major League Baseball

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•31 | 08.10.10 | Sports News in Brief

  PITTSBURGH—After losing their fifth straight game Monday, the Pittsburgh Pirates were mathematically eliminated from Major League Baseball, having fallen to a 36-69 record that officially disqualified the team from ever playing the sport again. more»

• NFL Fans Turn Out In Droves To Watch Men Touch Cones

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.11.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Fans of professional football turned out more than 100,000 strong last week to watch grown men perform calisthenics, huddle around one another, and even run up to and touch orange cones, spokesmen for the NFL said Wednesday. more»

• Bears Spend Entire Day Waiting Around For Mike Martz To Install High-Powered Offense

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.11.10 | Sports News in Brief

  CHICAGO—Bears players and coaches spent their first day of training camp Monday waiting for new offensive coordinator Mike Martz to install their much-anticipated high-powered offense, a system Martz originally claimed he would have up and running ... more»

• The Quotable Ozzie Guillen

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.06.10 | Sportsgraphic

  The colorful White Sox manager is in the spotlight for comments about supposed favoritism toward Asian players, but it isn't the first time he's had something to say. more»

  

• Albert Haynesworth

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.06.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  The Redskins' defensive lineman has a checkered past and is currently struggling to get into condition. Is he any good? more»

  

• Tony Romo's Mouth Sore From Talking About Tender Arm

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.06.10 | Photo Finish

  

• Overcome Stress By Visualizing It As A Greedy, Hook-Nosed Race Of Creatures

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.03.09 | Today Now!

  On Today Now!, author Christine Eckard teaches Jim and Tracy to imagine economic problems as oily, curly-haired "Grabblers." more»

  

• Sherrod To Sue Breitbart

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.02.10 | American Voices

  Shirley Sherrod, the former U.S. Department of Agriculture employee who lost her job because a heavily edited video posted online made her look like a racist, plans on suing blogger Andrew Breitbart for posting it. more»

• Rangel Going To Trial Over Ethics Charges

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.03.10 | American Voices

  Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY) will face 13 charges of violating congressional ethics rules and guidelines, including accepting gifts over $50 and failing to report rental income on a beach villa in the Dominican Republic. more»

• Obama Confirms Iraq Pullout

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.04.10 | American Voices

  In a speech before the Disabled American Veterans convention, President Obama reaffirmed plans to remove troops from Iraq at the end of this month, but acknowledged there may yet be more fighting. more»

• FBI Demands Wikipedia Pull Down Seal

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.05.10 | American Voices

  The FBI sent Wikipedia a letter telling the user-edited encyclopedia to remove an image of the bureau’s seal. more»

• Joblessness Not A Factor In Stimulus Money

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.06.10 | American Voices

  A survey of the distribution of federal stimulus money reveals that states with the highest unemployment are among those receiving the least recovery funding. more»

• On Jerry Rice Being Inducted Into The Hall Of Fame

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.06.10 | Fan On The Street

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 46•31 | 08.02.10 | Slideshow

  

• sun

  Uncomfortably Nice