Ochocinco, Owens Preparing Touchdown Celebration Opera

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Issue 4632

New Edition Of Bible Specifically Mentions Second Amendment

CHICAGO—A new translation of the Bible released this week directly mentions the Second Amendment on eight occasions, and includes a version of Psalm 23 that begins, "The Lord is my shepherd, and the right of the people to keep and bear arms sha...

Employees Suspect Old Man Came To Roy Rogers To Die

ALLENTOWN, PA—"He came shuffling in really slowly this morning and just sort of slumped over there in the back," said cashier Brianne Pecor, 17, who claimed the old man has ordered nothing in the past two hours but a small cup of coffee. "It's pretty heartbreaking to watch. Guess the poor old guy doesn't have much of an appetite left. He's probably just looking for a calm, quiet corner where he can curl up and pass away."

Jerry Rice

The new Hall of Famer has every receiving record worth mentioning, three Super Bowl rings, and insists he could still play. Was he any good?

Man Read Somewhere They Proved Thing He Just Made Up

BALTIMORE—After being questioned about the thing he had just made up in conversation Tuesday, 37-year-old Paul Rosada explained to those around him that, not only was his fabrication true, but he had recently read somewhere that it had been definiti...

Americans Demand Crispier Outside

NEW YORK—Millions of outraged consumers assembled across the nation Tuesday to demand a crispier outside, insisting that it also be made available in a number of great-tasting varieties and at a price that won't break the bank.

Proposition 8 Overturned

Last week, a federal judge ruled that California's same-sex marriage ban was unconstitutional, leaving many proponents of Proposition 8 scrambling for new ways to stop gay marriage. Here are some of their strategies:

Millions Of Barrels Of Oil Safely Reach Port In Major Environmental Catastrophe

PORT FOURCHON, LA—According to witnesses, the catastrophe began shortly after the tanker, which sailed unimpeded across the Gulf of Mexico, stopped safely at the harbor and made contact with oil company workers on the shore. Soon after, vast amounts of the black, toxic petroleum in the ship’s hold were unloaded at an alarming rate into special storage containers on the mainland.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 10, 2010

Aries You will soon embark on a long journey over water by night, which will be extremely romantic until you figure out how low the pilot is flying. Taurus This week, you'll gain employment in a strange office in which e...

Visine Introduces New Eye-Whitening Strips

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—The Johnson and Johnson company unveiled its new Visine-brand "Eye-Bright" whitening strips Tuesday, an over-the-counter product designed to reduce unsightly stains in bloodshot and yellowed eyeballs.
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Ochocinco, Owens Preparing Touchdown Celebration Opera

CINCINNATI—Bengals wide receivers Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens reportedly stayed late after practice Tuesday to begin writing the libretto and music for, and start preliminary blocking on, a new touchdown-celebration opera. "Me and T.O. have both been working really hard on these tight arias that really capture the awesome feeling of scoring a touchdown," said Ochocinco, attaching a Phantom Of The Opera mask to his helmet. "And the Italian lyrics sound so romantic and kind of sexy, not like that German stuff. The good thing about T.O. is that he sings in this rich, full baritone, but he can also go up into head voice and sing in this sweet-ass falsetto. It's good shit." Owens, who is currently attempting to secure a block of seats near the end zone for the orchestra, said the touchdown-celebration opera would be two hours and 30 minutes in length, with one short intermission to allow for costume changes.