Ochocinco, Owens Preparing Touchdown Celebration Opera

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Issue 4632

New Edition Of Bible Specifically Mentions Second Amendment

CHICAGO—A new translation of the Bible released this week directly mentions the Second Amendment on eight occasions, and includes a version of Psalm 23 that begins, "The Lord is my shepherd, and the right of the people to keep and bear arms sha...

Employees Suspect Old Man Came To Roy Rogers To Die

ALLENTOWN, PA—"He came shuffling in really slowly this morning and just sort of slumped over there in the back," said cashier Brianne Pecor, 17, who claimed the old man has ordered nothing in the past two hours but a small cup of coffee. "It's pretty heartbreaking to watch. Guess the poor old guy doesn't have much of an appetite left. He's probably just looking for a calm, quiet corner where he can curl up and pass away."
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Ochocinco, Owens Preparing Touchdown Celebration Opera

CINCINNATI—Bengals wide receivers Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens reportedly stayed late after practice Tuesday to begin writing the libretto and music for, and start preliminary blocking on, a new touchdown-celebration opera. "Me and T.O. have both been working really hard on these tight arias that really capture the awesome feeling of scoring a touchdown," said Ochocinco, attaching a Phantom Of The Opera mask to his helmet. "And the Italian lyrics sound so romantic and kind of sexy, not like that German stuff. The good thing about T.O. is that he sings in this rich, full baritone, but he can also go up into head voice and sing in this sweet-ass falsetto. It's good shit." Owens, who is currently attempting to secure a block of seats near the end zone for the orchestra, said the touchdown-celebration opera would be two hours and 30 minutes in length, with one short intermission to allow for costume changes.