Sports Movie Protagonist Receives Some Bad News Before Big Game

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Issue 4633

NFL Punters Lobby Congress For More Fakes

WASHINGTON—High-ranking NFL punters met with members of Congress Tuesday to lobby for legislation that would significantly increase the number of fake punts across the league.

Mysterious Crate Arrives From London

DOCKSIDE, NEW ENGLAND—Shipman and stevedore alike confirmed that the crate is unpleasantly cold to the touch, and none reportedly wished to remain in its presence for long.

Scottie Pippen

By winning six NBA championships with Michael Jordan's Bulls, Pippen, who was inducted into the Hall of Fame this month, became synonymous with sidekick excellence. Was he any good?

Golf's More Obscure Rules

When Dustin Johnson grounded his club at Whistling Straits, he unknowingly took a two-stroke penalty and brought some of golf's unusual regulations into the spotlight.

Trivial Point Of Order Electrifies Golf World

SHEBOYGAN, WI—A niggling little golf rule unheard of by most Americans infused the PGA Tour with more excitement last week than at any other time this season, tour officials, fans, and players confirmed Sunday.

Flight Attendant Shines Light On Problem Customers

Ever since Jet Blue employee Steven Slater made headlines for cursing out an unruly flyer on a plane's PA system and escaping down the emergency chute, more flight attendants have been speaking out about mistreatment at the hands of passengers. Here are some of their most common complaints:

Area Woman Thinks She Could Live In City She's Visiting

SAN FRANCISCO—After a few close friends personally escorted her around San Francisco's nicest parks, restaurants, and shopping centers, Virginia-native and first-time visitor Lori Timlin reported Sunday that she could envision herself living in the ...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 17, 2010

Aries To be truly human is to never give up; however, to be truly human is also to know the meaning of sacrifice. It's some deep shit, really. Taurus Financial success continues to elude you, as you have yet to determine...

Wildlife Cleaning Volunteer Stuck With The Gulls Again

HOUMA, LA—Though her training qualifies her to clean any animal affected by the Gulf oil spill, wildlife rehabilitation volunteer Betsy Morris told reporters Tuesday that she somehow always ends up tending to the goddamn seagulls.
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Sports Movie Protagonist Receives Some Bad News Before Big Game

CITY DESPERATELY NEEDING A WIN—Despite his sudden rise from obscurity to become a record-breaking performer, a handsome and seemingly flawless sports film protagonist learned some tragic news Tuesday, completely altering perspectives on the night's championship game. "After he pulled us through that rough patch earlier this season and almost single-handedly turned the team around, it appeared as if we were destined for greatness," said the protagonist's coach, a supporting but important character who is helping the protagonist fulfill his character arc, and who recently got a new lease on life after conquering his problem with alcohol. "But after this, in order to come out on top, we're going to need a kind of performance that challenges our very belief in the power of the human spirit. In fact, I'll just say it: We need a miracle." As of press time, the protagonist was sitting alone at his locker and staring at a photo of his father, while outside, his formerly scorned love interest reportedly pleaded with ticket-takers to let her in.