Sports Movie Protagonist Receives Some Bad News Before Big Game

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Issue 4633

NFL Punters Lobby Congress For More Fakes

WASHINGTON—High-ranking NFL punters met with members of Congress Tuesday to lobby for legislation that would significantly increase the number of fake punts across the league.

U.S. Call Centers Cost Same As India

According to the head of the largest call center outsourcing firm in the country, the poor job market has made the cost of hiring a call center worker in the United States the same as hiring one in India.

Mysterious Crate Arrives From London

DOCKSIDE, NEW ENGLAND—Shipman and stevedore alike confirmed that the crate is unpleasantly cold to the touch, and none reportedly wished to remain in its presence for long.

More Teens Suffering Hearing Loss

An analysis of data over a 15-year period shows that 19.5 percent of teens have experienced hearing loss, an increase of nearly a third that is mostly attributable to earbud use.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Sports Movie Protagonist Receives Some Bad News Before Big Game

CITY DESPERATELY NEEDING A WIN—Despite his sudden rise from obscurity to become a record-breaking performer, a handsome and seemingly flawless sports film protagonist learned some tragic news Tuesday, completely altering perspectives on the night's championship game. "After he pulled us through that rough patch earlier this season and almost single-handedly turned the team around, it appeared as if we were destined for greatness," said the protagonist's coach, a supporting but important character who is helping the protagonist fulfill his character arc, and who recently got a new lease on life after conquering his problem with alcohol. "But after this, in order to come out on top, we're going to need a kind of performance that challenges our very belief in the power of the human spirit. In fact, I'll just say it: We need a miracle." As of press time, the protagonist was sitting alone at his locker and staring at a photo of his father, while outside, his formerly scorned love interest reportedly pleaded with ticket-takers to let her in.

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