Sports Movie Protagonist Receives Some Bad News Before Big Game

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Issue 4633

NFL Punters Lobby Congress For More Fakes

WASHINGTON—High-ranking NFL punters met with members of Congress Tuesday to lobby for legislation that would significantly increase the number of fake punts across the league.

Mysterious Crate Arrives From London

DOCKSIDE, NEW ENGLAND—Shipman and stevedore alike confirmed that the crate is unpleasantly cold to the touch, and none reportedly wished to remain in its presence for long.
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Sports Movie Protagonist Receives Some Bad News Before Big Game

CITY DESPERATELY NEEDING A WIN—Despite his sudden rise from obscurity to become a record-breaking performer, a handsome and seemingly flawless sports film protagonist learned some tragic news Tuesday, completely altering perspectives on the night's championship game. "After he pulled us through that rough patch earlier this season and almost single-handedly turned the team around, it appeared as if we were destined for greatness," said the protagonist's coach, a supporting but important character who is helping the protagonist fulfill his character arc, and who recently got a new lease on life after conquering his problem with alcohol. "But after this, in order to come out on top, we're going to need a kind of performance that challenges our very belief in the power of the human spirit. In fact, I'll just say it: We need a miracle." As of press time, the protagonist was sitting alone at his locker and staring at a photo of his father, while outside, his formerly scorned love interest reportedly pleaded with ticket-takers to let her in.