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Report: Mom Just Locked Her Door

• Smart, Qualified People Behind the Scenes Keeping America Safe: 'We Don't Exist'

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.25.10 | News

  WASHINGTON—Members of the brilliant, highly trained, and dedicated team of elite professionals who work tirelessly behind the scenes to protect our nation and keep its citizens out of harm’s way announced Tuesday that they do not exist. more»

  

• Local Water Tower Celebrates 50th Year As Repository Of Information On Who Is A Slut

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.26.10 | News

  CONCORDIA, MO—According to University of Missouri histor­ian Elliot Torcello, the remarkably well-preserved tower is recognized throughout the region as an indispensable archive detailing which women in the area are promiscuous, as well as whether or not they have crabs. more»

  

• Martin Scorsese Attends Free iMovie Demonstration At Apple Store

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.28.10 | News

  NEW YORK—"Importing, editing, post-production—they got it all on the computer," said Scorsese, who arrived 20 minutes early for the in-store workshop. "I like it. You can make your pictures right on there, it's tremendous." more»

  

• Report: 10 Million Killed Annually By Stepping Out Of Comfort Zones

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.24.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—A new report published this week by the Department of Health and Human Services revealed that more than 10 million Americans are violently killed each year while attempting to break away from their regular everyday routines and try someth... more»

• 'We're In This Together, You Guys,' Reports Newest Member Of Crunch Gym

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.25.10 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—New Crunch member Harold Nguyen baffled fellow gym-goers with his unbridled zeal and mystifying belief that his enthusiasm was shared by those working out around him, sources reported Monday "All right, everybody, the only way to get b... more»

• Honest, Hardworking Man Leans Against Reliable Pickup Truck

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.26.10 | News in Brief

  THE AMERICAN WEST—As early-evening light slanted through the slowly settling dust of a rugged, rustic backdrop, an honest and hardworking man hitched his thumbs into faded jeans, fixed his steel blue eyes on the horizon, and leaned against a reliabl... more»

• Texas Vows To Reclaim Title Of Most Regressive State From Arizona

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.27.10 | News in Brief

  AUSTIN, TX—Following a series of embarrassingly backward laws recently enacted in Arizona, Texas governor Rick Perry pledged Wednesday to do everything in his power to reestablish his state as the most regressive in the nation. more»

• Mounting Opposition To New York Islamic Center

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.25.10 | Infographic

  Claiming the neighborhood where the Twin Towers once stood is sacred ground, radical conservative groups are spearheading opposition to the construction of a nearby Muslim community center, a facility that would include a swimming pool and a 9/11 memorial and be located more than two blocks from the attack site. Here are some other projects currently facing controversy: more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 24, 2010

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.24.10 | Horoscope

  Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus You should really try to live your life so that your happiness doesn't depend so much on wh... more»

• How Are We Making Our Statement?

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.25.10 | Statshot

  

• General Motors Reports Record Sales Of New Disposable Car

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.23.10 | Radio News

• Everything A Goddamn Ordeal For Area Family

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.24.10 | Radio News

• Bananas Sweep Primates' Choice Awards Again

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.25.10 | Radio News

• Health-Food-Store Worker Dies Of Vitamin Lung

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.26.10 | Radio News

• Stoned Underage Drunk Driver Calls America A Fascist Police State

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.27.10 | Radio News

• Encyclopedic Knowledge Not So Handsomely Bound

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.24.10 | News in Photos

  

• Sudanese Elephant Trying To Forget

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.28.10 | News in Photos

  

• Stop Making Delicious Food I Can't Stop Eating And Go Back To Mexico

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.24.10 | Commentary

  This isn't the country I grew up in anymore. It used to be a place where hardworking Americans could make an honest living, support their families, and feel safe walking the streets. more»

• It's Official!

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.27.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Ask A Guy Who's Not Doing The Gig For Less Than $200

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.26.10 | Advice

  Dear Guy Who's Not Doing The Gig For Less Than $200, I recently witnessed a car accident and was asked to give my account of what happened to police at the scene. Trying to be helpful, I also shared my contact information with the man whose car was... more»

• AFC South

  ISSUE 46•34 | 09.07.10 | Blog

  Jacksonville Jaguars Strength: With stalwart Aaron Kampman at defensive end, opponents will be forced to throw the ball at the Jaguar's weak secondary or run it through the soft middle of their line Weakness: Quarterback controversy between Luke McCown a... more»

  

• AFC North

  ISSUE 46•34 | 09.07.10 | Blog

  Now that the NFL season is upon us, staying informed is more important than ever. This in-depth Onion Sports guide places all the vital information about this years' teams at your fingertips. Don't watch a single game without this useful tool! more»

  

• Lance Armstrong Wants To Tell Nation Something But Nation Has To Promise Not To Get Mad

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•34 | 08.27.10 | Sports News

  DALLAS—Saying that it would probably be best if everyone sat down for this, seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong informed the U.S. more»

  

• Lou Piniella Immediately Wins World Series After Removing Cubs Uniform For Last Time

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.27.10 | Sports News in Brief

  CHICAGO—Having finished saying goodbye to Cubs players and fans during his final game with the team, manager Lou Piniella won his second World Series Sunday night mere seconds after taking off his uniform. more»

• Tony Dungy On Meeting With Rex Ryan: 'That Fucking Cocksucker Is A Good Shit'

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.28.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—After briefly speaking with Jets coach Rex Ryan about his excessive use of expletives during the HBO show Hard Knocks, NBC football analyst Tony Dungy admitted Monday that "the fat cocksucker is real fucking good shit." "We w... more»

• Dick Vermeil Tears Up During Piniella's Last Press Conference

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.30.10 | Sports News in Brief

  COATESVILLE, PA—As the voice of Cubs manager Lou Piniella trembled during a farewell press conference Sunday night, former NFL coach Dick Vermeil, who watched the event from home, grew misty-eyed and found himself unable to continue as he heard Pini... more»

• New WNBA Promotion Lets First 100 Fans Leave Early

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.31.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—In an effort to increase attendance and reward the league's fans, WNBA president Donna Orender announced Wednesday that the first 100 ticket holders to arrive at the conference semifinal games would be allowed to leave extra early. more»

• Department Of Just Saying: 'Been A While Since An Athlete Has Died During A Game'

  ISSUE 46•34 | 09.01.10 | Sports News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—In a report written in collaboration with the Bureau of Just Throwing It Out There, the Department of Just Saying noted Wednesday that it had been a good long while since an athlete had died on the field during a major sporting event. more»

• Terms Of Tiger's Divorce

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.27.10 | Sportsgraphic

  Former super-couple Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren are making it official with one of the highest-profile divorces in sports. Here's how it will work: more»

  

• Lou Piniella

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.27.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  Firebrand manager Piniella announced his retirement last week after one of the winningest managerial careers ever. Was he any good? more»

  

• Report: Albert Haynesworth Just A Mound Of Ice Cream And Hot Dogs

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•34 | 08.27.10 | Photo Finish

  

• In The Know: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don't Give A Shit?

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.26.10 | In The Know

  Panelists discuss the many ways in which our educational system caters to students who try, care, are awake. more»

  

• TIME Announces New Version Of Magazine Aimed At Adults

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.24.10 | Newsroom

  Doing away with kid-friendly info bubbles and colorful photos, new 'TIME Advanced' will cater to adults with an interest in news. more»

  

• Earth's Moon Shrinking

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.24.10 | American Voices

  Recent analysis of the moon showed geographic features indicating that earth's only natural satellite is gradually contracting. more»

• China's Massive Traffic Jam

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.25.10 | American Voices

  For 10 days, traffic on a 60-mile stretch of highway outside of Bejing has been reduced to a crawl, with many predicting the bottleneck will last until mid-September, when road construction in the area is completed. more»

• Judge Halts Embryonic Stem Cell Research

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.26.10 | American Voices

  A judge issued a temporary injunction Monday that has cut off federal funding of research involving embryonic stem cells. more»

• 72 Bodies Found On Mexican Ranch

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.27.10 | American Voices

  On an abandoned ranch just south of the U.S. border, members of the Mexican navy discovered 21 rifles, four trucks, bulletproof vests, and 72 corpses. more»

• On Roger Clemens' Indictment

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.27.10 | Fan On The Street

• A History Of Sluts

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.26.10 | Slideshow

  

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.30.10 | Slideshow

  

• New Cat

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.25.10 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, Congrats, you're the winner of a new cat (enclosed). Rich, Toms River, NJ more»

• LGBT Journalists

  ISSUE 46•34 | 08.28.10 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, I wish you'd feature more LGBT journalists in your paper, as I can safely assume, based on their headshots and sentence structures, that you employ very few. M. Danforth, Jersey City, NJ more»

• storm

  Tropical storm on the horizon: still deciding between Faith, Fanny or Farrah