WASHINGTON—Members of the brilliant, highly trained, and dedicated team of elite professionals who work tirelessly behind the scenes to protect our nation and keep ...

CONCORDIA, MO—According to University of Missouri histor­ian Elliot Torcello, the remarkably well-preserved tower is recognized throughout the region as an indispensable archive detailing ...

NEW YORK—"Importing, editing, post-production—they got it all on the computer," said Scorsese, who arrived 20 minutes early for the in-store workshop. "I like ...

WASHINGTON—A new report published this week by the Department of Health and Human Services revealed that more than 10 million Americans are violently killed ...

NEW YORK—New Crunch member Harold Nguyen baffled fellow gym-goers with his unbridled zeal and mystifying belief that his enthusiasm was shared by those working ...

THE AMERICAN WEST—As early-evening light slanted through the slowly settling dust of a rugged, rustic backdrop, an honest and hardworking man hitched his thumbs ...

AUSTIN, TX—Following a series of embarrassingly backward laws recently enacted in Arizona, Texas governor Rick Perry pledged Wednesday to do everything in his power ...

Claiming the neighborhood where the Twin Towers once stood is sacred ground, radical conservative groups are spearheading opposition to the construction of a nearby Muslim ...

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus You should really try to live ...

Dear Guy Who's Not Doing The Gig For Less Than $200, I recently witnessed a car accident and was asked to give my account ...

Jacksonville Jaguars Strength: With stalwart Aaron Kampman at defensive end, opponents will be forced to throw the ball at the Jaguar's weak secondary or ...

Now that the NFL season is upon us, staying informed is more important than ever. This in-depth Onion Sports guide places all the vital information ...

DALLAS—Saying that it would probably be best if everyone sat down for this, seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong informed the U.S.

CHICAGO—Having finished saying goodbye to Cubs players and fans during his final game with the team, manager Lou Piniella won his second World Series ...

NEW YORK—After briefly speaking with Jets coach Rex Ryan about his excessive use of expletives during the HBO show Hard Knocks, NBC football analyst ...

COATESVILLE, PA—As the voice of Cubs manager Lou Piniella trembled during a farewell press conference Sunday night, former NFL coach Dick Vermeil, who watched ...

NEW YORK—In an effort to increase attendance and reward the league's fans, WNBA president Donna Orender announced Wednesday that the first 100 ticket ...

WASHINGTON—In a report written in collaboration with the Bureau of Just Throwing It Out There, the Department of Just Saying noted Wednesday that it ...

Former super-couple Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren are making it official with one of the highest-profile divorces in sports. Here's how it will work:

Firebrand manager Piniella announced his retirement last week after one of the winningest managerial careers ever. Was he any good?

Panelists discuss the many ways in which our educational system caters to students who try, care, are awake.

Doing away with kid-friendly info bubbles and colorful photos, new 'TIME Advanced' will cater to adults with an interest in news.

Recent analysis of the moon showed geographic features indicating that earth's only natural satellite is gradually contracting.

For 10 days, traffic on a 60-mile stretch of highway outside of Bejing has been reduced to a crawl, with many predicting the bottleneck will ...

A judge issued a temporary injunction Monday that has cut off federal funding of research involving embryonic stem cells.

On an abandoned ranch just south of the U.S. border, members of the Mexican navy discovered 21 rifles, four trucks, bulletproof vests, and 72 ...

Dear The Onion, Congrats, you're the winner of a new cat (enclosed). Rich, Toms River, NJ

Dear The Onion, I wish you'd feature more LGBT journalists in your paper, as I can safely assume, based on their headshots and sentence ...