JUÁREZ, MEXICO—"I need to steer clear of D.C. until some shit blows over," said Biden, sitting in the far corner of a ...

NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having simultaneously realized it ...

DUBLIN, OH—"For more than 40 years, we've tried in vain to get the hamburger sandwich to catch on with our customers, but it ...

CHAMPLIN, MN—According to a sign in the front window of Famous Fabrics on Beacon Avenue, the yarn and cloth shop has its own Twitter ...

DULUTH, GA—Duluth resident Paul Bennett's aim to tackle unresolved emotional issues during a $110-per-hour session with his therapist Tuesday somehow digressed into an ...

MEDFORD, MA—After arriving early for a coworker's party Friday evening and wishing to avoid an awkward entrance, 29-year-old Scott Harrington reportedly devised a ...

ARLINGTON, VA—Defense Secretary Robert Gates admitted losing $192 million in defense funds Tuesday when he unwittingly purchased a large number of bogus BGM-109 Tomahawk ...

FRAMINGHAM, MA—With the back-to-school shopping season in full swing, office-supply chain Staples announced that it would be hiring thousands of additional sales personnel to ...

WASHINGTON—According to a new State Department report, Afghanistan's more than $900 billion worth of untapped iron, copper, lithium, and other minerals could transform ...

Last week, Jane Henson, widow of Jim Henson, donated 10 Muppets to the Smithsonian's National Museum of American History, including the original Kermit. Here ...

Aries Your daughter's memory will still haunt your dreams, but it's a welcome change from all the relived failures and sweaty former scoutmasters ...

NFC WEST Seattle Seahawks Strengths: Reports from coach's office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius Weaknesses: Team is in their ninth year ...

Buffalo Bills Strength: Buffalo is well known for its friendly locals, its world-famous wings and its proximity to beautiful Niagara Falls Weakness: Once again, pretty ...

Denver Broncos Strengths: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into ...

NFC NORTH Vikings Strengths: Showing off his youthful exuberance, 40-year-old Brett Favre is still out there running the media around like a little kid; defensive ...

NFC SOUTH Atlanta Falcons Strength: It's been more than a year since Matt Ryan appeared in a Gillette commercial, so the Gillette commercial curse ...

NFC EAST New York Giants Strengths: Excellent at believing Eli Manning is a Hall of Fame quarterback; cohesive offensive line understands that blocking begins when ...

The Onion News Network is the most popular 24-hour cable news network in America, delivering hard-hitting, up-to-the-minute reporting to more than 100 million households nationwide.

HAGERSTOWN, MD—With Major League Baseball's postseason still a month out and college football weeks away from conference play, the sports world continues to ...

NEW YORK—NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Monday to expand the 2011-2012 football season from the usual 16 games to as many as it ...

NEW YORK—Just days before the start of the season, representatives from every NFL franchise have come forward to state that they are not going ...

NEW YORK—In an eleventh-hour session Wednesday night, representatives from the NFL Players Association sat down with the league's owners to reach an agreement ...

NEW YORK—During a visit with the team Wednesday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told the New York Jets to lower their Super Bowl expectations, suggesting ...

This informative poster will hang in all NFL locker rooms to tell players of the potentially severe consequences of head injury. 

As the season kicks off in New Orleans with a rematch of last year's NFC championship game, Onion Sports breaks down the NFL opener:

Police invaded notorious meth dealer Daryl Krogen's home, seizing dozens of bicycle parts and more than ten dollars worth of stolen paint.

Conservative talk show host Glenn Beck held a rally on the National Mall on Saturday, the anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I Have A ...

Ken Mehlman, the head of the 2004 Bush re-election campaign and former chair of the Republican National Committee has come out to his associates and ...

A case study in the Journal Of Clinical Orthodontics showed that over a period of seven years, a young woman playing with her tongue stud ...

The Food and Drug Administration has warned that Evamist, a prescription spray used to control hot flashes in menopausal women, may cause premature breast development ...

A study from the Pew Hispanic Center found that with the economy continuing to falter, the number of illegal immigrants in the U.S.

Now that the NFL season is upon us, staying informed is more important than ever. This in-depth Onion Sports guide places all the vital information ...