Issue 4635 - 08.30.2010 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Man Already Knows Everything He Needs To Know About Muslims

SALINA, KS—Local man Scott Gentries told reporters Wednesday that his deliberately limited grasp of Islamic history and culture was still more than sufficient to shape his views of the entire Muslim world.

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Biden To Cool His Heels In Mexico For A While

ISSUE 46•35 | 08.31.10 | News

JUÁREZ, MEXICO—"I need to steer clear of D.C. until some shit blows over," said Biden, sitting in the far corner of a Mexican cantina with his back to the wall and taking a long swig from a bottle of Tecate Light. more»
8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.02.10 | News

NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having simultaneously realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants. more»
Wendy's To Phase Out Unpopular Hamburger Sandwich

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.04.10 | News

DUBLIN, OH—"For more than 40 years, we've tried in vain to get the hamburger sandwich to catch on with our customers, but it is now clear that we're never going to make that happen," Wendy's CEO Roland Smith told reporters. more»
Local Fabric Store Urges You To Check Them Out On Twitter

ISSUE 46•35 | 08.30.10 | News in Brief

CHAMPLIN, MN—According to a sign in the front window of Famous Fabrics on Beacon Avenue, the yarn and cloth shop has its own Twitter account through which interested parties can stay informed of all the store's latest news. more»
Plot Of 'Midnight Run' Described At Length To Therapist

ISSUE 46•35 | 08.31.10 | News in Brief

DULUTH, GA—Duluth resident Paul Bennett's aim to tackle unresolved emotional issues during a $110-per-hour session with his therapist Tuesday somehow digressed into an earnest recapping of the plot of the action-comedy film Midnight Run, sour... more»
Man Arriving Early To Party To Walk Up And Down Street For 10 Minutes

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.01.10 | News in Brief

MEDFORD, MA—After arriving early for a coworker's party Friday evening and wishing to avoid an awkward entrance, 29-year-old Scott Harrington reportedly devised a plan to walk back and forth along the residential street for 10 additional minutes. more»
Pentagon Ripped Off By Shady Weapons Dealer

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.02.10 | News in Brief

ARLINGTON, VA—Defense Secretary Robert Gates admitted losing $192 million in defense funds Tuesday when he unwittingly purchased a large number of bogus BGM-109 Tomahawk missiles from a disreputable arms dealer known only as "Steve." ... more»
Staples Brings On Extra Staff To Sit Around And Do Nothing For Busy Back-To-School Season

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.03.10 | News in Brief

FRAMINGHAM, MA—With the back-to-school shopping season in full swing, office-supply chain Staples announced that it would be hiring thousands of additional sales personnel to mope uselessly around the store and sullenly count the hours until closing... more»
Report: Afghan Mineral Deposits Could Completely Revolutionize Nation's System Of Corruption

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.05.10 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—According to a new State Department report, Afghanistan's more than $900 billion worth of untapped iron, copper, lithium, and other minerals could transform the nation from a graft-laden backwater into a modern, 21st-century hub of corrup... more»
Original Kermit Donated To Smithsonian

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.01.10 | Infographic

Last week, Jane Henson, widow of Jim Henson, donated 10 Muppets to the Smithsonian's National Museum of American History, including the original Kermit. Here are some of the other things donated to the museum in the past six months: more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 31, 2010

ISSUE 46•35 | 08.31.10 | Horoscope

Aries Your daughter's memory will still haunt your dreams, but it's a welcome change from all the relived failures and sweaty former scoutmasters. Taurus Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, the star... more»
What Are Our Favorite Small-Batch Beverages?

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.01.10 | Statshot
Unemployed Businessman Has Time For Headache

ISSUE 46•35 | 08.31.10 | Radio News
Hollywood Diet Secrets Have Fallen Into Non-Celebrity Hands

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.02.10 | Radio News
Baby Loses Train Of Thought

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.04.10 | News in Photos
When You Think McDonough's Auto Repair, You Think Craftsmanship, Murder, And Pride

ISSUE 46•35 | 08.31.10 | Commentary

For more than 75 years, McDonough's Auto Repair has been part of a proud tradition—a tradition of quality, reliability, affordable service for the hard-working folks of Montchester, murder, and, most importantly, pride in a hard day's work. more»
Sorry, I'm Just Really Bad With Names And Faces Of People Who Are Not Attractive And Can't Help Advance My Career

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.02.10 | Commentary

Hi, how do you do? I'm Michael. Pleased to meet you. What? We've met three times before? Really! Well, how embarrassing. more»
Don't Show This Cover To Your Wife Unless You Want Your Living Room To Look Exactly Like This

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.03.10 | Sunday Magazine
NFC North

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.07.10 | Blog

NFC NORTH Vikings Strengths: Showing off his youthful exuberance, 40-year-old Brett Favre is still out there running the media around like a little kid; defensive tackles Kevin and Pat Williams look impressive in their ability to stop all forms of justic... more»
AFC West

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.07.10 | Blog

Denver Broncos Strengths: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into the secondary Weakness: Keep trading for other team's shitty quarterbacks Intang... more»
NFC East

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.07.10 | Blog

NFC EAST New York Giants Strengths: Excellent at believing Eli Manning is a Hall of Fame quarterback; cohesive offensive line understands that blocking begins when ball is snapped Weakness: No one but players able to afford entry into new $1.6 billion st... more»
NFC South

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.07.10 | Blog

NFC SOUTH Atlanta Falcons Strength: It's been more than a year since Matt Ryan appeared in a Gillette commercial, so the Gillette commercial curse should have run its course; Black is still a very intimidating color Weakness: Have all the makings of a te... more»
NFC West

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.07.10 | Blog

NFC WEST Seattle Seahawks Strengths: Reports from coach's office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius Weaknesses: Team is in their ninth year of humoring quarterback and Make-A-Wish cancer patient Matt Hasselbeck Intangibles: Billionaire o... more»
AFC East

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.07.10 | Blog

Buffalo Bills Strength: Buffalo is well known for its friendly locals, its world-famous wings and its proximity to beautiful Niagara Falls Weakness: Once again, pretty much centers around the entire roster Intangibles: The AFC East is, perhaps, the leagu... more»
About The Onion News Network

ISSUE 46•35 | 11.18.10 | Blog

The Onion News Network is the most popular 24-hour cable news network in America, delivering hard-hitting, up-to-the-minute reporting to more than 100 million households nationwide. more»
Sports World Limping Toward Football Opener Like Mortally Wounded Deer

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.03.10 | Sports News in Brief

HAGERSTOWN, MD—With Major League Baseball's postseason still a month out and college football weeks away from conference play, the sports world continues to stagger toward the NFL's opening kickoff like a gut-shot doe spewing blood from its mouth an... more»
NFL To Expand Season To However Many Games It Takes To Permanently Injure Ray Lewis

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.04.10 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Monday to expand the 2011-2012 football season from the usual 16 games to as many as it takes for Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis to suffer a career-ending injury. more»
All 32 NFL Teams Announce They Are Underdogs Headed Into 2010 Season

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.06.10 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Just days before the start of the season, representatives from every NFL franchise have come forward to state that they are not going to let doubters hold them back, and that they are using "all the hate" as fuel for the 2010 camp... more»
Players, Owners Agree To Have One Last Kick-Ass Season Before 2011's Lockout

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.07.10 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—In an eleventh-hour session Wednesday night, representatives from the NFL Players Association sat down with the league's owners to reach an agreement on their "One Last Big Blast" plan to have the most rocking football season ever... more»
Roger Goodell Urges Jets To Have More Sensible Goals Than Winning Super Bowl

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.08.10 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—During a visit with the team Wednesday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told the New York Jets to lower their Super Bowl expectations, suggesting they consider setting more manageable goals for the 2010-2011 season. more»
The NFL's Official New Concussion Awareness Poster

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.07.10 | Graphical Feature

This informative poster will hang in all NFL locker rooms to tell players of the potentially severe consequences of head injury. more»
Saints vs. Vikings

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.07.10 | Keys To The Matchup

As the season kicks off in New Orleans with a rematch of last year's NFC championship game, Onion Sports breaks down the NFL opener: more»
Bears To Replace Soldier Field Grass With Plush Carpeting

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.03.10 | Photo Finish
Police Seize More Than $50 In Wire From Nation's Wealthiest Crystal Meth Dealer

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.01.10 | Newsroom

Police invaded notorious meth dealer Daryl Krogen's home, seizing dozens of bicycle parts and more than ten dollars worth of stolen paint. more»
Beck Holds DC Rally

ISSUE 46•35 | 08.30.10 | American Voices

Conservative talk show host Glenn Beck held a rally on the National Mall on Saturday, the anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech. more»
Former RNC Chair Comes Out As Gay

ISSUE 46•35 | 08.31.10 | American Voices

Ken Mehlman, the head of the 2004 Bush re-election campaign and former chair of the Republican National Committee has come out to his associates and friends as being gay. more»
Tongue Stud May Cause Tooth Gap

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.01.10 | American Voices

A case study in the Journal Of Clinical Orthodontics showed that over a period of seven years, a young woman playing with her tongue stud inadvertently caused a gap to form between her front teeth. more»
Menopause Meds May Harm Kids

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.02.10 | American Voices

The Food and Drug Administration has warned that Evamist, a prescription spray used to control hot flashes in menopausal women, may cause premature breast development in children. more»
Number Of Illegal Immigrants Declining

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.03.10 | American Voices

A study from the Pew Hispanic Center found that with the economy continuing to falter, the number of illegal immigrants in the U.S. more»
On The Start Of The NFL Season

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.03.10 | Fan On The Street
Law Enforcement

ISSUE 46•35 ISSUE 43•17 | 04.25.07 | Slideshow
Discomfort

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.07.10 | Slideshow
Onion Sports 2010 NFL Team-By-Team Guide

ISSUE 46•35 | 09.07.10 | Collection

Now that the NFL season is upon us, staying informed is more important than ever. This in-depth Onion Sports guide places all the vital information about this years' teams at your fingertips. Don't watch a single game without this useful tool! more»
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