The Week In Review

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Issue 4636

Classic Movie 'Avatar' Updated For Today's Audiences

LOS ANGELES—Paramount Pictures confirmed Monday the Dec. 23 release date for Avatar 2KX, a remake of the beloved 2009 sci-fi thriller Avatar that will bring the story into the modern era with faster-paced action sequences and cutting-e...

Tips For High School Athletes

As America's teens return to class, they return to the playing fields as well. Onion Sports prepares them for what may be the greatest time in their lives.

Rafael Nadal

No longer just a clay-court specialist, eight-time Grand Slam winner Nadal comes into the U.S. Open ranked No. 1 in the world. Is he any good?

Archaeologists Unearth Lousiest Civilization Ever

'What A Bunch Of Losers,' Researchers Say

MANAUS, BRAZIL— Archaeologists working in a remote section of the Amazon Rainforest announced Tuesday that they have discovered the ancient remnants of what they claimed may be the lousiest civilization in human history.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 7, 2010

Aries Remember, it's never too late to fall in love. It's just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn't a cynical compromise based on a fear of dying alone. Taurus You'll become the sworn enemy of men's magazine r...

Construction Complete On 9/11 Truther Memorial

UNDISCLOSED—On a remote patch of Kansas prairie believed to fall outside the range of U.N. spy satellites, construction is finally complete on the long- awaited 9/11 Truther Memorial, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Summer Days, Driftin' Away

Well, the Summer of Jean has come and gone. You Jeanketeers will know what I'm talking about: In a column back in June (boy, does that feel like a lifetime ago…), I discussed how I was really going to take charge of this summer and make it my own.

Department Of Interior To Clean Nation's Filter

40 Million Tons Of Gunk Clogging Up Country

WASHINGTON—Interior Secretary Ken Salazar announced Tuesday that a maintenance crew would begin work this week cleaning the nation's filter in order to remove the estimated 40 million tons of gunk, crud, and muck currently clogging up the country.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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