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Department Of Interior To Clean Nation's Filter

• Construction Complete On 9/11 Truther Memorial

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.07.10 | News

  UNDISCLOSED—On a remote patch of Kansas prairie believed to fall outside the range of U.N. spy satellites, construction is finally complete on the long- awaited 9/11 Truther Memorial, sources confirmed Wednesday. more»

  

• Archaeologists Unearth Lousiest Civilization Ever

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.09.10 | News

  MANAUS, BRAZIL— Archaeologists working in a remote section of the Amazon Rainforest announced Tuesday that they have discovered the ancient remnants of what they claimed may be the lousiest civilization in human history. more»

  

• Guy Carrying Guitar Case On Elevator Envied By Everyone On Elevator, Imagines Guy

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.11.10 | News

  NEW YORK—A guy carrying a guitar case on a midtown Manhattan elevator was envied and admired by fellow passengers during the entirety of his 14-floor ride, the guitar-case- carrying man imagined Monday. more»

  

• Outbreak Of Va-Va-Vooms Traced To Miniskirt-Wearing Blonde

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.07.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Officials from the Department of Ha-Cha WOWwa have traced a nationwide outbreak of va-va-vooms to one miniskirt-wearing blonde, last seen Thursday night working those stems like nobody's business. more»

• Area Man Suddenly Realizes He's The One Who's Been Killing Off World's Bee Population

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.08.10 | News in Brief

  FORT WORTH, TX—Following a news update on the depopulation of honeybees across North America and much of the world, it suddenly dawned on local bank teller Keith Orlander Tuesday that he, personally, was responsible for the dramatic and theretofore ... more»

• Hertz Introduces Short-Term Rental For Just Driving Around To Clear Head

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.09.10 | News in Brief

  PARK RIDGE, NJ—Hoping to win the business of those who just need to get out of the house for a while and clear their heads, the Hertz Corporation unveiled a new service Monday that allows customers to rent a car for as briefly as five minutes. more»

• Classic Movie 'Avatar' Updated For Today's Audiences

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.10.10 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—Paramount Pictures confirmed Monday the Dec. 23 release date for Avatar 2KX, a remake of the beloved 2009 sci-fi thriller Avatar that will bring the story into the modern era with faster-paced action sequences and cutting-e... more»

• U.S. Ends Combat Operations In Iraq

  ISSUE 47•52 ISSUE 46•36 | 09.08.10 | Infographic

  Last week, the U.S. occupation of Iraq officially ceased being a combat mission as the military entered the stability phase of its operations. Here are some of the major victories of the seven-and-a-half-year war. more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 7, 2010

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.07.10 | Horoscope

  Aries Remember, it's never too late to fall in love. It's just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn't a cynical compromise based on a fear of dying alone. Taurus You'll become the sworn enemy of men's magazine r... more»

• What Are We Buying On Clearance?

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.08.10 | Statshot

  

• Family Of 5 Found Alive In Suburbs

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.06.10 | Radio News

• New Crispy Snack Cracker To Ease Crushing Pain Of Modern Life

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.07.10 | Radio News

• Hamburgler Urges Senate Subcommittee To 'Robble Robble Robble'

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.08.10 | Radio News

• Nation's Last Themeless Restaurant Closes

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.09.10 | Radio News

• Community Rallies To Save Eyesore

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.10.10 | Radio News

• Obama Blasted By Cool, Refreshing Air

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.07.10 | News in Photos

  

• NASA Inadvertently Launches Unmanned Space Shuttle

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.11.10 | News in Photos

  

• Summer Days, Driftin' Away

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.07.10 | Commentary

  Well, the Summer of Jean has come and gone. You Jeanketeers will know what I'm talking about: In a column back in June (boy, does that feel like a lifetime ago…), I discussed how I was really going to take charge of this summer and make it my own. more»

• So Far It Looks Like I've Done A Pretty Good Job Faking My Death

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.09.10 | Commentary

  Well, it's been nearly two decades now, and I just have to laugh: I honestly never thought I'd be able to pull it off, but here we are in 2010, and everyone in the world continues to believe that I, Michael Landon, beloved star of American television, die... more»

• The Microfridge: An Essay On This Timeless Dorm Room Appliance By Pulitzer Prize Winning Author Philip Roth

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.10.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• September 7, 2010

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.07.10 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• 16,000 Diamondbacks Fans Killed On Complimentary Rattlesnake Night

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•36 | 09.10.10 | Sports News

  PHOENIX—The Arizona Diamondbacks organization apologized to fans, their families, and the community at large Thursday after more than 16,000 people attending the previous night's game were killed by the poisonous Western diamondback rattlesnakes given out as part of Complimentary Rattlesnake Night. more»

  

• U.S. Open Organizers Apologize For Obscene Amounts Of Tennis

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.10.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Members of the United States Tennis Association offered a public apology Monday for the ungodly amount of tennis that has been played, promoted, and discussed during the past two weeks of the U.S. more»

• Tim Duncan Sends Out 3-Month Warning To Inform Spurs Of Upcoming Season Opener

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.11.10 | Sports News in Brief

  SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan sent an e-mail with the subject heading "REMINDER! OPENING TIP-OFF COMING!!!" to all of his teammates Tuesday, urging them to keep Wednesday, Oct. more»

• Rookie Ndamukong Suh Records Lions First-Ever Tackle

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•36 | 09.13.10 | Sports News in Brief

  CHICAGO—Rookie defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh, the Lions' first pick in this year's NFL draft, lived up to expectations Sunday by recording the first tackle in Detroit Lions history. more»

• Homeless Drifters Of Santa Barbara Feverishly Await Women's Beach Volleyball Tournament

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.14.10 | Sports News in Brief

  SANTA BARBARA, CA—Though there are still two days to go until the first match of the California Beach Volleyball Association's annual Santa Barbara tournament, homeless drifters and vagrants of all ages have already begun to gather in the ocean-side... more»

• NASCAR Struggling To Recover From Yet Another Injury-Free Season

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.15.10 | Sports News in Brief

  LOUDON, NH—As they prepare to begin the Chase for the Cup with the Sylvania 300, top NASCAR executives are worried about the financial impact another season free of horrible injuries could have on the sport. more»

• Tips For High School Athletes

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.10.10 | Sportsgraphic

  As America's teens return to class, they return to the playing fields as well. Onion Sports prepares them for what may be the greatest time in their lives. more»

  

• Rafael Nadal

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.10.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  No longer just a clay-court specialist, eight-time Grand Slam winner Nadal comes into the U.S. Open ranked No. 1 in the world. Is he any good? more»

  

• Jealous A.J. Pierzynski Builds Catcher's Mound

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.10.10 | Photo Finish

  

• O-SPAN Classic: CIA Accidentally Overthrows Costa Rica

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.09.10 | O-SPAN

  In this O-SPAN clip from 1963, the CIA explains that the accidental overthrow was due to "a little miscommunication" while overthrowing some nearby Central American countries. more»

  

• Today Now!: How To Thrust Your Fat Into A More Appealing Shape

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.08.10 | Today Now!

  Author Nina Davis says you don't have to diet to look slimmer, just mash your flab into a more flattering silhouette. more»

  

• Heavy Drinkers Live Longer Than Teetotalers

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.06.10 | American Voices

  A new data analysis in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research found that people that abstained from alcohol died earlier than even heavy drinkers. more»

• Sierra Leone Has Safest Internet

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.07.10 | American Voices

  A survey of computer viruses and malware attacks found Sierra Leone was the safest place in the world to surf the web. more»

• Brain Exercises Don't Stop Alzheimer's

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.08.10 | American Voices

  Researchers have found that while brain exercises can help slow the onset of Alzheimer's disease, they actually speed up its progress once symptoms of the illness have appeared. more»

• 'America’s Toughest Sheriff' Sued

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.09.10 | American Voices

  The Justice Department sued Arizona's Joe Arpaio, the self-proclaimed "toughest sheriff" in America, for failure to cooperate with a discrimination probe. more»

• Health Insurance Costs Shifting To Workers

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.10.10 | American Voices

  Employees paid an average of 14 percent more for family health coverage this year, while the amount contributed by their employers fell by 1 percent. more»

• On Albert Pujols And Joey Votto Battling For The Triple Crown

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.10.10 | Fan On The Street

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.15.10 | Slideshow

• Mayor Or Alderman?

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.08.10 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, Remember that guy from last week or so who was some kind of mayor or alderman? He was against wrecking something, like a building, or maybe it was a park? He didn't want some parking garage or gas station put in its place? Well, I disagree... more»

• Goodbye

  ISSUE 46•36 | 09.11.10 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, There's no chance or hope that I'll get better. This is goodbye. Nathan, Buffalo, NY more»

• tornado

  Wind has big plans for your umbrella