UNDISCLOSED—On a remote patch of Kansas prairie believed to fall outside the range of U.N. spy satellites, construction is finally complete on the ...

MANAUS, BRAZIL— Archaeologists working in a remote section of the Amazon Rainforest announced Tuesday that they have discovered the ancient remnants of what they claimed ...

NEW YORK—A guy carrying a guitar case on a midtown Manhattan elevator was envied and admired by fellow passengers during the entirety of his ...

WASHINGTON—Officials from the Department of Ha-Cha WOWwa have traced a nationwide outbreak of va-va-vooms to one miniskirt-wearing blonde, last seen Thursday night working those ...

FORT WORTH, TX—Following a news update on the depopulation of honeybees across North America and much of the world, it suddenly dawned on local ...

PARK RIDGE, NJ—Hoping to win the business of those who just need to get out of the house for a while and clear their ...

LOS ANGELES—Paramount Pictures confirmed Monday the Dec. 23 release date for Avatar 2KX, a remake of the beloved 2009 sci-fi thriller Avatar that will ...

Last week, the U.S. occupation of Iraq officially ceased being a combat mission as the military entered the stability phase of its operations. Here ...

Aries Remember, it's never too late to fall in love. It's just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn ...

PHOENIX—The Arizona Diamondbacks organization apologized to fans, their families, and the community at large Thursday after more than 16,000 people attending the previous ...

NEW YORK—Members of the United States Tennis Association offered a public apology Monday for the ungodly amount of tennis that has been played, promoted ...

SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan sent an e-mail with the subject heading "REMINDER! OPENING TIP-OFF COMING!!!" to all of his teammates Tuesday, urging them ...

CHICAGO—Rookie defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh, the Lions' first pick in this year's NFL draft, lived up to expectations Sunday by recording the first ...

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Though there are still two days to go until the first match of the California Beach Volleyball Association's annual Santa Barbara ...

LOUDON, NH—As they prepare to begin the Chase for the Cup with the Sylvania 300, top NASCAR executives are worried about the financial impact ...

As America's teens return to class, they return to the playing fields as well. Onion Sports prepares them for what may be the greatest ...

No longer just a clay-court specialist, eight-time Grand Slam winner Nadal comes into the U.S. Open ranked No. 1 in the world. Is he ...

In this O-SPAN clip from 1963, the CIA explains that the accidental overthrow was due to "a little miscommunication" while overthrowing some nearby Central American ...

Author Nina Davis says you don't have to diet to look slimmer, just mash your flab into a more flattering silhouette.

A new data analysis in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research found that people that abstained from alcohol died earlier than even heavy drinkers.

A survey of computer viruses and malware attacks found Sierra Leone was the safest place in the world to surf the web.

Researchers have found that while brain exercises can help slow the onset of Alzheimer's disease, they actually speed up its progress once symptoms of ...

The Justice Department sued Arizona's Joe Arpaio, the self-proclaimed "toughest sheriff" in America, for failure to cooperate with a discrimination probe.

Employees paid an average of 14 percent more for family health coverage this year, while the amount contributed by their employers fell by 1 percent.

Dear The Onion, Remember that guy from last week or so who was some kind of mayor or alderman? He was against wrecking something, like ...

Dear The Onion, There's no chance or hope that I'll get better. This is goodbye. Nathan, Buffalo, NY