WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Tuesday, nearly 20 percent of U.S. citizens now believe Barack Obama is a cactus, the most Americans to ...

ARABAH VALLEY, ISRAEL—The documents, found in a cave near the Jordanian- Israeli border and estimated to have been composed circa A.D. 200, recount ...

LOS ANGELES—Longtime fans of the 1975 cult classic The Rocky Horror Picture Show reported this week that after 30 years of religiously attending midnight ...

OMAHA, NE—Local man James Carlson totally got some Friday night when his wife, Shelly, "went all the way" after just one date night, the ...

WASHINGTON—Tempers in the crowd ran high Monday during a massive rally at the nation's capital aimed at provoking tempers in the crowd to ...

SANTA FE, NM—Before a spellbound audience consisting of his wife, his two daughters, and the family cat, area dad Larry Schroeder described in gripping ...

BURLINGTON, VT—The gels, ointments, and mechanical grooming devices strewn across 28-year-old Micah Russell's bathroom stood in mute testimony Wednesday to the seemingly endless ...

WASHINGTON—Defense Department Deputy Secretary William Lynn III revealed the results of a three-year, $83 million project culminating in a device that shoots Friday.

Twenty-five years ago, game designer Shigeru Miyamoto created the video game Super Mario Bros., which has since sold millions of copies and spawned numerous spin-offs ...

Aries Fate will give you a lot to do next week, and you had better do exactly as you are told or Fate will start ...

NEW YORK—A recent Nike commercial featuring star players from both the NBA and NFL also includes an evidently prominent African-American female athlete, though sources ...

MINNEAPOLIS—ESPN analyst John Clayton reported Monday that, after throwing four interceptions and just one touchdown in the first two games of the 2010-2011 football ...

GREEN BAY, WI—Bills players were reportedly impressed by the quality of toilet paper in the visitors' locker room at Lambeau Field Sunday, enthusiastically admiring ...

NEW YORK—League officials confirmed Monday that NFL players participating in NBC's Sunday Night Football broadcast are contractually obliged to repeatedly mention the NBC ...

CLEVELAND—Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco's commanding performance against the porous Browns defense Sunday provided commentators with an opportunity during the game's third ...

INDIANAPOLIS—According to a yearlong study released Monday by the NCAA, 87 percent of college football fans are "way, way too into" their favorite teams.

Ohio fans were taken aback last weekend when their mascot, Rufus Bobcat, attacked Ohio State's Brutus Buckeye without provocation. But sports has seen stranger ...

The Packers go to Chicago Monday night to take on the Bears in a rivalry that's as old and clichéd as the NFL ...

Onion News Network pundit Joad Cressbeckler takes NASA to task for getting full as a tick on the hard earned money of Americans.

On Today Now!, golf expert Jordan Ritter has some Pro Tips for maintaining a steady swing while hitting the links with your mistress' husband.

Despite the author publicly admitting his discomfort at his novel The Corrections being chosen as an Oprah Book Club selection in 2001, Oprah Winfrey has ...

The U.S. Census Bureau found that during 2009 the number of Americans living in poverty increased from 39.8 million to 43.6 million.

The Food and Drug Administration is deciding whether to allow the cultivation of salmon genetically modified to grow at twice its normal rate.

Senate Republicans voted against a defense spending bill that included a provision to repeal the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy regarding ...

Planet Michael, a "massively multiplayer online virtual world" based on imagery from Michael Jackson's songs and videos, is being developed by game publisher SEE ...

Dear The Onion, How dare you tell me what the weather is going to be like, as if I'm some fool who didn't ...

Dear The Onion, After the carefully thought-out letter I sent last week, I can't believe you published another paper this week as if nothing ...