WASHINGTON—Citing a desire to gain influence in Washington, the American people confirmed Friday that they have hired high-powered D.C. lobbyist Jack Weldon of ...

WASHINGTON—A group of leading historians held a press conference Monday at the National Geographic Society to announce they had "entirely fabricated" ancient Greece, a ...

LOS ANGELES—Less than a year after its launch date, the official website for the film Shutter Island continues to experience a steady decline in ...

SANGER, CA—Citing the abundance of warehouses, alleys, and places to stash power-ups, area resident Joseph Anders told reporters Tuesday that his neighborhood would make ...

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Decades after the failed Apollo 13 moon mission, NASA officials announced on Monday plans to launch former astronaut Jim Lovell back into ...

DOWNERS GROVE, IL—Local man Karl Weist told reporters Wednesday his girlfriend Celia Page owns more than 200 products designed to serve the sole function ...

STOCKHOLM—The Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded Monday to Robert Edwards, the British in vitro fertilization pioneer who made it possible for shitloads more ...

BOSTON—A study published Monday by a group of linguists, historians, and semioticians has proved the concept of "the good old days" can be traced ...

According to the Population Reference Bureau, the proportion of Americans age 25 to 34 who have never been married went up from 35 percent to ...

Aries A messenger from the Lord will appear to you in glory this week and, in a voice that shakes mountains and shivers oceans, announce ...

NEW YORK—The National Hockey League announced Thursday that it had finished freezing an estimated 480,000 gallons of water, ensuring that every opening game ...

SAN DIEGO—Befuddled San Diego Padres lead owner Jeff Moorad explained Monday that he was under the assumption that every team failing to make the ...

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Patriots head coach and respected tactician Bill Belichick set various and seemingly random events in motion Monday that he believes will culminate in ...

NEW YORK—NBC Sports confirmed Friday that the one-hour science-fiction drama The Event will represent the United States in an event recently added to the ...

WEST MONROE, LA—Doug Laney, the 5-foot-9-inch senior out of West Monroe High School who has garnered much hype and interest from professional teams throughout ...

HURLBURT FIELD, FL—After two weeks of intense twice-a-day practices, sources within the Miami Heat organization are reporting that players are already in midseason pregame ...

As baseball's postseason begins, we take a hard look at each team's chances.

Two-and-two so far as a Redskin, this former Eagle just defeated his old team, but one question has haunted him his entire career. Is he ...

Over 75% of an average American's exercise now comes from drunkenly dancing, stealing street signs, and carrying home passed-out friends.

Malaysian astrophysicist Mazlan Othman has been designated as the first person extraterrestrial aliens will have contact with, should they exist and visit.

Toy manufacturer Fisher-Price announced a recall of 10 million toys, high chairs, and tricycles due to safety concerns.

Postal regulators have rejected a proposal to increase stamp prices faster than the rate of inflation, blaming a flawed business model for the Post Office ...

Reality-show star and board-game mascot Donald Trump announced that he was thinking about running for president in 2012.

Reporter Bob Woodward said that an exchange of positions between Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Vice President Joe Biden is being considered by the ...

Dear The Onion, I enjoyed your article on Julie Benz's summer home in the Hamptons so much that I left it dog-eared on the ...

Dear The Onion, My name is Hank McGrady and I'm 32 and there's a girl I really like and I already punched her ...