GRAND IMPERIAL THRONE ROOM, CASTLE ROACH—His Royal Highness, King Leopold Blattodea IV, undisputed lord and ruler of the cockroaches, expressed dismay and concern Monday ...

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Citing a general feeling of boredom, members of the celebrity news media announced this week that they have decided to put all other ...

LOUISVILLE, KY—According to sources at the corporate headquarters of fast food giant KFC, a young boy believed to be the third reincarnation of the ...

SAN FRANCISCO—Representatives from One World Finance, a U.S.-based microcredit provider, confirmed Monday that they had initiated foreclosure proceedings on a goat in ...

WASHINGTON—According to recent media reports, Democrats stand to lose as many as 8,000 congressional seats and more than 917 gubernatorial races in November ...

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Horrible person James MacDougal, an account executive at the properties management firm Gordon, Olster and French, this time blamed his constant shitty ...

CARSON CITY, NV—In an effort to promote diversity within their political base, national Tea Party leaders gathered today in Nevada's capital to announce ...

TUCSON, AZ—Local 32-year-old Greg Chesterfield demonstrated Tuesday that he has the ability to correctly name all the parts of the human vagina.

HARTFORD, CT—Following a speech tomorrow afternoon in support of Senate hopeful Richard Blumenthal, top Democratic Party member Barack Obama is expected to take advantage ...

Last week saw the dramatic rescue of 33 Chileans who spent a harrowing 69 days trapped in the Copiapó copper and gold mine. Here's ...

Aries Your last hope of finding true and unconditional love ends this week when your ideal mate is executed by the State of Texas for ...

Dear Man Who Bought A Wrestling Pay-Per-View That's Not Showing Up On The Screen For Some Reason, I just got hired at a new ...

NEW YORK—Experts are no closer to finding a cause, let alone a cure, for Sudden Rookie Death Syndrome, the mysterious affliction that kills thousands ...

DALLAS—Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo requested that radiologists examining the thumb on his non-throwing hand Monday also X-ray the sore paw of Mr.

LOS ANGELES—Two-time NBA Finals MVP Kobe Bryant, who claims he typically looks forward to the 82-game professional basketball season, told reporters Friday that he ...

ARLINGTON, TX—Ten years after signing a record $252 million contract to play baseball in Texas, third baseman Alex Rodriguez finally delivered for the Rangers ...

GREEN BAY, WI—At a press conference Monday, NFL officials touted the success of a special live episode of Sunday Night Football, confirming that more ...

NEW YORK—A joint report from all professional and amateur sporting leagues unanimously confirmed Thursday that fans enjoy waving random things around, typically above their ...

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—NASCAR's rules committee unveiled a new set of regulations Thursday specifically aimed at reducing the incessant horn-honking heard throughout the Sprint ...

With basketball season once again upon us, Onion Sports takes a look at this year's best and most interesting teams.

His slugging performances in the postseason helped define the clutch player. Was he any good?

Ohio police have been inundated with false sightings of college-age girls with dyed blond hair, Ugg boots, purple nail polish, and oversized sunglasses.

The City and State of New York are urging the USDA to discontinue allowing the purchase of sugary beverages with food stamps.

Federal documents suggest both the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services and the Department of Homeland Security have encouraged agents to "friend" suspects on Facebook ...

German prime minister Angela Merkel told members of her Christian Democratic Union party that efforts to live side-by-side with Muslims have failed, and suggested all ...

In a debate with opponent Chris Coons, Republican Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell intimated she was unaware that the First Amendment provides a constitutional basis ...

Since 2000, the number of Mensa members under 30 has increased 63 percent. What do you think?

Dear The Onion, A part of me agrees with your stance in favor of the new mall being built off Route 9, but another part ...

Dear The Onion, I'd like to thank Dr. Abrams for his insightful advice in last week's Health Matters column. I'm feeling better ...