Issue 4643

Desperate NFL Needs Big Win To Turn Season Around

NEW YORK—After eight weeks of play with no teams emerging as clear front-runners, the National Football League desperately needs at least one spectacular win to salvage its lackluster season, sources confirmed Monday.

Townsfolk Strongly Prefer Man's Werewolf Incarnation

'Jesus, The Next Full Moon Can't Come Fast Enough,' Villagers Report

BLACK FOREST, GERMANY—Townsfolk told reporters Tuesday that they can't wait for the next full moon, as they much prefer the bloodthirsty lycanthropic form of "insufferable" local blacksmith Hans Meyer, who was bitten by a werewolf eight mo...

Yankees Offseason Moves

After missing the pennant by one game, the Yankees have some difficult decisions to make before spring training. Here are some of the most crucial issues facing the team.

Alumni Office Dispatches Navajo Tracker To Hunt Down Glen Schutt '98

TEMPE, AZ—Representatives in the alumni office at Arizona State University announced this week that in an effort to determine the whereabouts and current mailing address of Class of '98 graduate Glen Schutt, they are utilizing the services of longtime employee and Navajo tracker Joe Lone Tree.

Key Races: The House

New Hampshire 1st Congressional District: Carol Shea-Porter (D) vs. Frank Guinta (R) Campaign promise: Shea-Porter: Will double the maple syrup subsidy and impose a tariff on foreign foliage Guinta: Vows to eliminate wasteful govern...

Key Races: The House

Alabama 2nd Congressional District: Bobby Bright (D) vs. Martha Roby (R) Campaign bus name: Bright: ReidRod Roby: AngleWagon Time to eat a 72-ounce steak: Bright: Didn't finish Roby: 25 minutes, 17 seconds ...

Key Races: Senate

Wisconsin: Russ Feingold (D) vs. Ron Johnson (R) Barber: Feingold: Tony's on Jefferson Avenue Johnson: Wife cuts his hair Position on taxes: Feingold: Extend tax cuts for only bottom 90% of earners Johnson: Ex...

Key Races: Senate

Nevada: Harry Reid (D) vs. Sharron Angle (R) Campaign bus name: Reid: ReidRod Angle: AngleWagon Position on foreign policy: Reid: Wants U.S. military to be powerful Angle: Wants U.S. military to be mighty ...

Key Races: Governor

New York: Carl Paladino (R) vs. Andrew Cuomo (D) Eyes: Paladino: Droopy-serious Cuomo: Twinkly-hopeful Stance on gay marriage: Paladino: Against, because why buy the cow? Cuomo: For it, but not sure about the...

Key Races: Governor

California Jerry Brown (D) vs. Meg Whitman (R) Business experience: Brown: Former eBay Power-Seller of Oakland Raiders mud flaps Whitman: Former CEO of eBay

Area Man Could Eat

PITTSBURGH—Local man Ronald White confirmed this afternoon that while he wasn't necessarily hungry, he could eat.

Nation Disappointed By Great World Series Matchup

NEW YORK—Citing the disappointing prospect of high-level pitching duels, clutch hitting, and great defense, the American baseball-watching populace this week registered its overwhelming disapproval of 2010's excellent World Series matchup between the Texas Rangers and the San Francisco Giants.

Halloween Origins

Every Oct. 31, children dress in a variety of popular costumes and go door-to-door collecting candy. Here's where that Halloween tradition, and several others, came from.

World Series 2010

The 2010 Fall Classic is finally here, presenting viewers with the possibility of scrappy pitching and potentially entertaining small ball. Here's what each team must do to scrape out a championship.

Yard Sign With Candidate's Name On It Electrifies Congressional Race

JASPER, IN—A blue corrugated plastic sign bearing the name of candidate Todd Young has invigorated and galvanized voters in southeastern Indiana's 9th District congressional race, catapulting the Republican to an all but insurmountable lead over his opponent, Democratic incumbent Baron Hill.
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Tim Duncan Spends Free Time Trying To Get Wrongfully Incarcerated Man Off Death Row

MANSFIELD, OH—Spurs center Tim Duncan spent all his free time this week studying law books and building a case in an attempt to exonerate a death row inmate wrongfully incarcerated at Ohio's Mansfield Correctional Institution. "For more than 10 years, Randolph Morgan has been imprisoned for a crime he did not commit, mainly because of the testimony of an unreliable witness, one Cheryl McInerney," said Duncan, who has devoted the past three offseasons to earning a law degree at San Antonio State and in August passed the bar exam in both Texas and Ohio. "I have met with medical examiners and several forensic pathologists, and they concur that the available DNA evidence is more than sufficient to prove the innocence of my client." Duncan went on to score 14 points against the Los Angeles Clippers Monday night before flying to Ohio to persuade the governor to issue a stay of execution for Morgan.


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