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Last Remaining Politician Must Rebuild Entire Government Following Bloodiest Midterm Election In American History

• African-American Community Calls For New Black Nerd Archetype

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.04.10 | News

  LOS ANGELES—A coalition of African-American activists and scholars released a strongly worded statement Monday citing the "urgent need" for popular media to depict a new black nerd archetype that more accurately reflects the full spectrum of 21st-century American dorkdom. more»

  

• Guy Excited About Party Studying Up On History Of Parties

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.06.10 | News

  BOISE, ID—To fully prepare for the upcoming party at his buddy Tim's place Saturday, 24-year-old Jeremy Reed confirmed that he has spent the past week conducting comprehensive research on the history of parties. more»

  

• Kim Jong-Un Privately Doubting He's Crazy Enough To Run North Korea

  ISSUE 46•44 ISSUE 0• | 12.18.11 | News

  PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—In surprisingly candid remarks Thursday, Kim Jong-un, heir apparent to North Korea's highest government post, expressed doubt that he was sufficiently out of his mind to succeed his father, longtime dictator Kim Jong-il. more»

  

• Concert Spent Constantly Verifying Presence Of Coat-Check Ticket In Pocket

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.01.10 | News in Brief

  PROVIDENCE, RI—Eric Zamore, 28, reportedly spent the majority of a concert Friday night frantically confirming that his coat-check ticket was still in his pants pocket. more»

• New Online Voting System Allows Millions Of Masturbators To Take Part In Democracy

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.01.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—A joint venture between the Federal Election Commission and Votenet Solutions has made it possible for millions of masturbators who would otherwise stay home and jerk off on Nov.  2 to cast their ballots in the 2010 midterm election. more»

• Americans Bravely Go To Polls Despite Threat Of Electing Congress

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.02.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Despite the very real threat of electing the 112th Congress, millions of courageous Americans lined up at their polling places today and put their right to vote above the awful possibility of sending a politician to represent them in Wash... more»

• Nonvoter Knew It Would Turn Out This Way

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.03.10 | News in Brief

  TAMPA BAY, FL—Mike Geyer, 38, a self-proclaimed nonvoter, told friends and colleagues Wednesday that his decision not to cast a ballot like an active participant in a free democratic society was justified by the predictable outcome of the 2010 midte... more»

• Progressive Parents Refuse To Tell Child Its Sex

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.03.10 | News in Brief

  BERKELEY, CA—Citing a refusal to impose limiting social constructs on their offspring, parents Lucas Cady and Kat Loesel reported Monday they will not tell their 4-year-old, Quynn, whether the child is biologically male or female. more»

• Thousands Gather To Watch Losing Incumbents Marched Out Of Washington

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.04.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Waving signs, brandishing sticks, and hurling rotten fruit, thousands of citizens lined the streets of Washington to taunt and abuse defeated members of Congress as they were forcibly marched from the nation's capital at sundown Wednesday... more»

• Jim Davis, Guy Who Does 'Heathcliff' Get Together For Annual Lunch To Discuss Doing Cat Cartoons

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.04.10 | News in Brief

  INDIANAPOLIS—Jim Davis, creator of Garfield, the popular comic strip featuring a thoughtful but feckless cat, met with the guy who does Heathcliff Thursday for their annual luncheon to discuss the cat-cartooning process. more»

• American Public Gets Exactly What It Deserves For 112th Straight Election

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.05.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Dismayed by the fact that over the past 24 months they have not experienced the immediate short-term personal gain they had hoped for, Americans went to the polls Tuesday and, for the 112th consecutive time, elected the candidates they de... more»

• Company Paying For Bad Drugs

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.03.10 | Infographic

  Last week, British drug manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline agreed to pay $750 million to settle civil and criminal complaints alleging that for years the company knowingly sold bad, contaminated, and ineffective drugs. Here are some issues with the products it sold. more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 2, 2010

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.02.10 | Horoscope

  Aries An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. more»

• Least Popular Monsters

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.03.10 | Statshot

  

• Sitcom Actors Decide To Continue Show Despite Cancellation

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.01.10 | Radio News

• Guy Who Just Wiped Out Immediately Claims He's Fine

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.03.10 | Radio News

• Man's Dream To Get Drunk In A-Frame Finally Realized

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.04.10 | Radio News

• Procter And Gamble Introduces Home Menstruation Test

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.05.10 | Radio News

• Genetically Modified Broccoli Shrieks Its Benefits At Shoppers

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.08.10 | Radio News

• Morbidly Obese Pumpkin Wins Contest

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.02.10 | News in Photos

  

• Banking Reform Measure Prevents Chick-Fil-A From Calling Itself A Bank

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.06.10 | News in Photos

  

• This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Guns Around The House

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.02.10 | Commentary

  Okay, that is it. Timothy, Rebecca, come here this instant! I've simply had it with you two. I thought I heard a .357 Magnum round discharge, and sure enough, what do I find when I open the end-table drawer but your father's still-smoking Desert Eagle. more»

• I Just Want To Begin This Audition By Saying That I'm Still Not Entirely Sure What Acting Is

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.04.10 | Commentary

  Hi, there, thanks for bringing me in today. I really appreciate the chance to audition for you all, and I hope you like what you see. more»

• Winter Getaways That Will Definitely Break The Bank

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.05.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Nation Taking No Joy In Cowboys' Pathetic Collapse

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.05.10 | Sports News

  IRVING, TX—As the Dallas Cowboys struggle with a 1-6 season, sports fans nationwide have been saddened by the bad fortune that has befallen the franchise long revered as one of the NFL's crown jewels, and known throughout the football world as America's Team. more»

  

• Group Of Kids With Diabetes All Die One Day After Visit From Jay Cutler

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.05.10 | Sports News in Brief

  CHICAGO—Less than 24 hours after a visit from Bears quarterback and Type 1 diabetes sufferer Jay Cutler, a group of 32 schoolchildren who shared his disease died Tuesday. more»

• NBA Announces Plans To Play Game In London In Swimming Pool

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.06.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—As part of a continuing effort to expand the NBA into international markets, Commissioner David Stern announced Wednesday that the New Jersey Nets and Toronto Raptors would play the league’s first regular season game in London in a sw... more»

• Terrified Matt Moore Audibles After Allegedly Seeing Monster In Defense

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.08.10 | Sports News in Brief

  CHARLOTTE, NC—Early in the third quarter of last Sunday's game against the Saints, Carolina Panthers quarterback Matt Moore saw something terrifying and inhuman in the defense and called an audible, the visibly shaken quarterback later confirmed. more»

• Denver Nuggets Announce Plans To Move To New York For Carmelo Anthony

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.09.10 | Sports News in Brief

  DENVER—Nuggets president Josh Kroenke announced Thursday that although the franchise has been in Denver since 1967, the organization would be willing to move to New York City for star forward Carmelo Anthony if that's what it takes to keep him on th... more»

• NBA.com Video Of Sixers-Wizards Game Fails To Go Viral

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.10.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—A 29-second video clip of Wizards rookie John Wall driving to the hoop for a layup against the Sixers has failed to achieve viral status on the Internet, NBA.com sources confirmed Wednesday. more»

• Great Moments In Randy Moss' Career

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.05.10 | Sportsgraphic

  Randy Moss became a Titan this week following yet another unusual incident in a career that's been full of them. more»

  

• Jerry Jones

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.05.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  Billionaire Cowboys owner Jones is the man who fired legend Tom Landry, oversaw the '90s Dallas dynasty, and built the world's most expensive football stadium. Is he any good? more»

  

• Guy Who Normally Holds Up Letter 'D' Sick This Week

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.05.10 | Photo Finish

  

• Social Security Scam Robs Elderly By Convincing Them They Are Dead

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.02.10 | Newsroom

  A new scam preys on the elderly by informing them they have died and instructing them to reroute their social security checks to the "Department of the Dead." more»

  

• Barnes & Noble Releases Color Nook

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.01.10 | American Voices

  Bookseller Barnes & Noble announced the release of a full-color, touch-screen version of its Nook e-reader last week. more»

• Brazil Elects Its First Female President

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.02.10 | American Voices

  Winning by more than 10 percentage points, Dilma Rousseff was elected the first female president of Brazil. more»

• Mariah Carey Pregnant

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.03.10 | American Voices

  Pop singer Mariah Carey announced that she and her husband Nick Cannon are expecting a baby next spring. more»

• Chicago Mercantile Exchange Selling Rain Futures

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.04.10 | American Voices

  As of Nov. 1, investors can place money on the chances that it will rain. What do you think? more»

• White iPhone Delayed

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.05.10 | American Voices

  Citing manufacturing difficulties, Apple announced that its long-awaited all-white iPhone would not be available until the spring. more»

• On A Chilean Miner Running The NYC Marathon

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.05.10 | Fan On The Street

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.08.10 | Slideshow

  

• Outrage

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.03.10 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, I have never been so outraged in my entire life. Thanks for letting me vent. Natalie Neuman, Los Angeles more»

• Pickled Beets Recipe

  ISSUE 46•44 | 11.06.10 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, My mom keeps going on and on about a recipe she clipped from your paper back in '63 and used to make the most delicious pickled beets she ever tasted. Now you know and I know she did no such thing, but could you just do us a favor and run ... more»

• sun

  Continual deciduous nudity