LOS ANGELES—A coalition of African-American activists and scholars released a strongly worded statement Monday citing the "urgent need" for popular media to depict a ...

BOISE, ID—To fully prepare for the upcoming party at his buddy Tim's place Saturday, 24-year-old Jeremy Reed confirmed that he has spent the ...

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—In surprisingly candid remarks Thursday, Kim Jong-un, heir apparent to North Korea's highest government post, expressed doubt that he was sufficiently ...

PROVIDENCE, RI—Eric Zamore, 28, reportedly spent the majority of a concert Friday night frantically confirming that his coat-check ticket was still in his pants ...

WASHINGTON—A joint venture between the Federal Election Commission and Votenet Solutions has made it possible for millions of masturbators who would otherwise stay home ...

WASHINGTON—Despite the very real threat of electing the 112th Congress, millions of courageous Americans lined up at their polling places today and put their ...

TAMPA BAY, FL—Mike Geyer, 38, a self-proclaimed nonvoter, told friends and colleagues Wednesday that his decision not to cast a ballot like an active ...

BERKELEY, CA—Citing a refusal to impose limiting social constructs on their offspring, parents Lucas Cady and Kat Loesel reported Monday they will not tell ...

WASHINGTON—Waving signs, brandishing sticks, and hurling rotten fruit, thousands of citizens lined the streets of Washington to taunt and abuse defeated members of Congress ...

INDIANAPOLIS—Jim Davis, creator of Garfield, the popular comic strip featuring a thoughtful but feckless cat, met with the guy who does Heathcliff Thursday for ...

WASHINGTON—Dismayed by the fact that over the past 24 months they have not experienced the immediate short-term personal gain they had hoped for, Americans ...

Last week, British drug manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline agreed to pay $750 million to settle civil and criminal complaints alleging that for years the company knowingly sold ...

Aries An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem.

IRVING, TX—As the Dallas Cowboys struggle with a 1-6 season, sports fans nationwide have been saddened by the bad fortune that has befallen the ...

CHICAGO—Less than 24 hours after a visit from Bears quarterback and Type 1 diabetes sufferer Jay Cutler, a group of 32 schoolchildren who shared ...

NEW YORK—As part of a continuing effort to expand the NBA into international markets, Commissioner David Stern announced Wednesday that the New Jersey Nets ...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Early in the third quarter of last Sunday's game against the Saints, Carolina Panthers quarterback Matt Moore saw something terrifying and inhuman ...

DENVER—Nuggets president Josh Kroenke announced Thursday that although the franchise has been in Denver since 1967, the organization would be willing to move to ...

NEW YORK—A 29-second video clip of Wizards rookie John Wall driving to the hoop for a layup against the Sixers has failed to achieve ...

Randy Moss became a Titan this week following yet another unusual incident in a career that's been full of them.

Billionaire Cowboys owner Jones is the man who fired legend Tom Landry, oversaw the '90s Dallas dynasty, and built the world's most expensive football ...

A new scam preys on the elderly by informing them they have died and instructing them to reroute their social security checks to the "Department ...

Bookseller Barnes & Noble announced the release of a full-color, touch-screen version of its Nook e-reader last week.

Winning by more than 10 percentage points, Dilma Rousseff was elected the first female president of Brazil.

Pop singer Mariah Carey announced that she and her husband Nick Cannon are expecting a baby next spring.

As of Nov. 1, investors can place money on the chances that it will rain. What do you think?

Citing manufacturing difficulties, Apple announced that its long-awaited all-white iPhone would not be available until the spring.

Dear The Onion, I have never been so outraged in my entire life. Thanks for letting me vent. Natalie Neuman, Los Angeles

Dear The Onion, My mom keeps going on and on about a recipe she clipped from your paper back in '63 and used to make ...