Fans Admit They Have No Clue Why They Want Former Player To Manage

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Issue 4646

Coach Has Difficulty Describing What Sort Of Win That Was

ORLANDO, FL—Following his team's 89-72 victory over the Memphis Grizzlies Monday, Orlando Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy struggled to characterize the victory at a postgame press conference, saying that the win was not emotional, dominating, close,...

2010 MLS Cup

FC Dallas, a soccer team, will face the Colorado Rapids, a soccer team, in Toronto for this year's MLS Cup, a soccer championship. Here's how the match breaks down:

Sports Commentator Trophies

John Madden's Thanksgiving tradition of awarding turkey legs to the day's top players has inspired other sportscasters to hand out honors of their own. Here are some of the more notable commentator-awarded trophies.

Making Family Gatherings Stress-Free

Hosting a large dinner is always stressful, but when it's a family gathering for a holiday like Thanksgiving, it can be downright excruciating. Here are some tips to help you survive your relatives this holiday season.

Horrified Man Looks On Powerlessly As He Ruins Date

DAYTON, OH—What was intended as a routine first date went horribly awry Tuesday night as local man Kevin Parker, 29, could do little more than stand by and watch himself ruin his chances with 28-year-old Vanessa Carmine.

Panel Chairmen: Cut $200 Billion From Budget

The chairmen of a bipartisan panel on reducing the federal budget deficit have outlined a proposal that, among other things, calls for boosting the federal gas tax, raising the retirement age, and reducing corporate tax rates to as low as 26 percent. Here are some of their other suggestions.

Row Of Asterisks Spices Up Otherwise Ordinary E-Mail

HOUSTON—Seven minds were blown Monday when employees of Houston Seed and Supply opened an e-mail containing a row of asterisks, a groundbreaking textual embellishment that recipients said caught them off guard but utterly captured their imaginations...

The Four Seasons Of Smoove

Watching the seasons change puts Smoove in a reflective state of mind. When Smoove becomes reflective, he begins to ponder the essential nature of romance.
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Fans Admit They Have No Clue Why They Want Former Player To Manage

KANSAS CITY, MO—Local fans admitted today they have no clue why they desperately want a former star player to manage their favorite team next year, saying that if they looked at the situation rationally, he really has no managerial experience whatsoever. "I guess I really like the idea of him putting on the uniform again, but I think that's only because it reminds me of how much I cheered for him when he was a player, and has pretty much nothing to do with his actual coaching ability," said fan Michael Hugel, adding that for some reason he would be† happier if the job went to the former player as opposed to somebody he's never heard of, even if the unknown person was clearly better suited for the position. "It's not like [the former player] would be playing. He would just be sitting there making decisions he's probably not qualified to make. Yet I still think it would pretty cool. Why am I being so irrational?" Hugel later added that hiring the former player would be worth it for the moment when his name is announced on opening day.