Fans Admit They Have No Clue Why They Want Former Player To Manage

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Issue 4646

Coach Has Difficulty Describing What Sort Of Win That Was

ORLANDO, FL—Following his team's 89-72 victory over the Memphis Grizzlies Monday, Orlando Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy struggled to characterize the victory at a postgame press conference, saying that the win was not emotional, dominating, close,...
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Report: One In Three Americans Will Get Dessert If Someone Else Does

WASHINGTON—Noting that many of those surveyed reported feeling kind of full but could “probably make room” for ice cream or pie, a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center found that nearly a third of Americans would be willing to get dessert if someone else does.

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Fans Admit They Have No Clue Why They Want Former Player To Manage

KANSAS CITY, MO—Local fans admitted today they have no clue why they desperately want a former star player to manage their favorite team next year, saying that if they looked at the situation rationally, he really has no managerial experience whatsoever. "I guess I really like the idea of him putting on the uniform again, but I think that's only because it reminds me of how much I cheered for him when he was a player, and has pretty much nothing to do with his actual coaching ability," said fan Michael Hugel, adding that for some reason he would be† happier if the job went to the former player as opposed to somebody he's never heard of, even if the unknown person was clearly better suited for the position. "It's not like [the former player] would be playing. He would just be sitting there making decisions he's probably not qualified to make. Yet I still think it would pretty cool. Why am I being so irrational?" Hugel later added that hiring the former player would be worth it for the moment when his name is announced on opening day.