'Dave's Got A Right To Be Angry,' Says Cosmos
MINNEAPOLIS—Following decades of allegations from the 44-year-old data processor, the vast conglomeration of all matter and energy known as the universe admitted Tuesday that ...
At Least 30 People Believed To Have Shown Up At Once
FAYETTEVILLE, AR—According to waitstaff sources at Martha's Café on Garland Avenue, the restaurant is getting absolutely slammed right now, a turn of events ...
DAVENPORT, IA—Despite the bitter emotional toll it has taken on them, Beth and David Harrigan expressed relief Tuesday that they have been able to ...
WASHINGTON—The Food and Drug Administration made an emergency announcement Monday to alert all U.
ARLINGTON, VA—Following a Thanksgiving weekend in which agents were compelled to perform full-body scans and invasive pat-downs of millions of obese, exceedingly unhygienic American ...
CAMBRIDGE, MA—A Harvard University study of more than 2,500 middle-income African-American families found that, when compared to other ethnic groups in the same ...
DAYTON, OH—The Dayton bureau of the website TMZ.com has obtained photographs of used-furniture dealer Gerry Flanagan, the self-proclaimed Scratch-and-Dent King of Ohio, exiting ...
ARLINGTON, VA—With officials describing his publication of sensitive U.S. State Department documents as "the last straw," Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was asked to ...
TEMPE, AZ—American citizen Ray Ayers can get along pretty well in his native language of English when he has to, the 57-year-old said Friday ...
ARLINGTON, VA—Officials at the Pentagon announced Monday that they would no longer make the budget of the Defense Department public, explaining that the information ...
The Thanksgiving weekend marks the beginning of Hollywood's release of its prestigious films for Oscar consideration. Here are some of the movies that are ...
Aries: Your excitement at winning a trip to the big city will be painful to watch for all those who know what happened to the ...
Dear Travel Agent Trying To Hold On To His Last Client, Nothing would make me happier than finally organizing my garage, but the back wall ...
Broadcast live continuously throughout the OSN family of networks, SportsDome has been the Onion Sports Network's signature program since the network's launch.
NEW YORK—In what has become the foremost annual conference of baseball-glove-wearing theory, major-league players past and present once again gathered at the Jacob K ...
INDIANAPOLIS—A number of college football coaches expressed disappointment last Friday following Boise State's 34-31 loss to Nevada, saying they were disappointed to learn ...
SEATTLE—In yet another victorious slip-up that baffled players, coaches, and fans alike, the Chiefs accidentally defeated the Seahawks 42-24 Sunday, inadvertently outplaying their opponent ...
FORT WORTH, TX—Texas Christian University has been invited to join the Big East athletic conference, an opportunity that would grant them higher visibility and ...
MIAMI—While toweling off in front of his vanity mirror Monday, Miami Heat team president Pat Riley stared longingly at a bottle of L'Or ...
INDIANAPOLIS—While sorting through his stacks of unwatched videotapes Friday, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning reportedly stumbled across a strange sort of game film in which ...
Since returning to the league, Michael Vick has been heralded as a changed man. We take a look at how Vick has won people over ...
In this week's marquee matchup, we break down a battle for the AFC East between two 9-and-2 teams that no one particularly likes.
Dissident Zhang Zhuohua fought against the repressive Chinese government which sought to squelch his right to post unflattering pictures of celebrities with penises drawn in ...
The number of viewers of the Sarah Palin reality series Sarah Palin's Alaska fell 40 percent between the first and second episodes.
The Department of Homeland Security is discontinuing the color-coded threat advisory system that has been in place since March 2002.
In an effort to prevent food-borne illnesses, the Senate has passed new legislation—the most comprehensive of its kind in 70 years—that would give ...
Researchers at the University of Michigan School of Public Health found that young people with high levels of triclosan, an antimicrobial agent commonly found in ...
Dear The Onion,
I didn't vote in the recent midterm election. Ugh, God, I just felt terrible and wanted to get that off my ...
Dear Sir Or Madam,
Is it true that if I turn my parents in for treason the government will let me stay up to watch ...
