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Issue 4648

Report: TCU Can Only Enter Big East If They Bring Girls

FORT WORTH, TX—Texas Christian University has been invited to join the Big East athletic conference, an opportunity that would grant them higher visibility and prestige, as long as they "bring some of those hot Texas girls along," Commissi...

Chiefs Accidentally Win Again

SEATTLE—In yet another victorious slip-up that baffled players, coaches, and fans alike, the Chiefs accidentally defeated the Seahawks 42-24 Sunday, inadvertently outplaying their opponent by scoring more touchdowns.

Marriage Handled Amicably

DAVENPORT, IA—Despite the bitter emotional toll it has taken on them, Beth and David Harrigan expressed relief Tuesday that they have been able to handle their 11-year marriage so amicably.

Jets vs. Patriots

In this week's marquee matchup, we break down a battle for the AFC East between two 9-and-2 teams that no one particularly likes.

Michael Vick's Redemption

Since returning to the league, Michael Vick has been heralded as a changed man. We take a look at how Vick has won people over during his second act.

Man Can Get By In His Own Language

TEMPE, AZ—American citizen Ray Ayers can get along pretty well in his native language of English when he has to, the 57-year-old said Friday night after friends commented on his ability to order a meal at a restaurant.

Restaurant Slammed Out Of Nowhere

At Least 30 People Believed To Have Shown Up At Once

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—According to waitstaff sources at Martha's Café on Garland Avenue, the restaurant is getting absolutely slammed right now, a turn of events that occurred without any warning or logic, and reportedly shows no signs of letting up.

Julian Assange Fired From IT Job At Pentagon

ARLINGTON, VA—With officials describing his publication of sensitive U.S. State Department documents as "the last straw," Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was asked to resign from his position as the Pentagon's IT coordinator Monday.

2010 Oscar Contenders

The Thanksgiving weekend marks the beginning of Hollywood's release of its prestigious films for Oscar consideration. Here are some of the movies that are being positioned to win Academy recognition.

Universe Admits To Wronging Area Man His Entire Life

'Dave's Got A Right To Be Angry,' Says Cosmos

MINNEAPOLIS—Following decades of allegations from the 44-year-old data processor, the vast conglomeration of all matter and energy known as the universe admitted Tuesday that it was directly responsible for every single hardship in the life of Dave Schwartz, and apologized for continually foiling him at every turn.

Ask A Travel Agent Trying To Hold On To His Last Client

Dear Travel Agent Trying To Hold On To His Last Client, Nothing would make me happier than finally organizing my garage, but the back wall is cluttered with dozens of old, half-empty cans of paint and wood stain. Getting rid of these eyesores would...

New Study Finds Blacks More Likely

CAMBRIDGE, MA—A Harvard University study of more than 2,500 middle-income African-American families found that, when compared to other ethnic groups in the same income bracket, blacks were up to 23 percent more likely.
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About SportsDome

Broadcast live continuously throughout the OSN family of networks, SportsDome has been the Onion Sports Network's signature program since the network's launch. The show has since become the most-watched news, sports or current affairs programming in the United States, and remains OSN's flagship program for sports news, analysis, scores, highlights, rumor-mongering and petty personal attacks. The show can be seen in every home in America, every country on the globe and by every branch of the U.S. Armed Services, except for the Navy, with whom OSN remains in a protracted contract dispute over broadcasting fees. Many of the Dome's former anchors have gone on to find success in other fields, including actors John Hurt and Sarah Jessica Parker, poet Robert Pinsky and Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer.