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Issue 4649

Dead Teen Had Pretty Terrible Life Ahead Of Him, Parents Report

PONCHA SPRINGS, CO—Still reeling from the sudden loss of their 17-year-old son last week, parents Ben and Martha Harwich spoke Tuesday about the largely unremarkable young man they said would have faced a disappointing and frustrating future had his life not been cut short by a car accident.

Don Meredith

He was the first Dallas Cowboys quarterback to have a winning season and the first star ex-player on Monday Night Football, but he was still much loved. Was he any good?

Busy Man Has So Many Things He Needs To Get Oh, Look, 'Tin Cup' Is On

DAYTON, OH—Local man Tom Pletcher, 38, reportedly blocked off his entire Sunday to run a number of errands he has been meaning to get around to, including having his brakes checked, renewing his passport, and oh, look, Pletcher told reporters, the 1996 romantic sports comedy Tin Cup is on.

Wikileaks To Take On Bank Of America

Amidst the news surrounding the sensitive diplomatic information released last week, Wikileaks head Julian Assange hinted that he would be releasing documents from a major financial institution. The Onion has been granted special access to these documents, and is proud to present some of the more damning revelations about Bank of America.

Army Calls For Increased Body Armor For Troops In Syria

Regrets Having To Tell Nation About Syrian War This Way

WASHINGTON—Citing a sharp increase in casualties among combat troops in Syria, top military officers Wednesday called for the distribution of improved body armor to all soldiers in the region while also expressing regret for informing the nation of the ongoing Syrian War in this admittedly awkward way.

Wikileaks' Embarrassing Revelations

Last week, the whistle-blower website Wikileaks released more than 250,000 pages of sensitive diplomatic notes, cables, and information from the United States government. Here is some of the information included in the mountain of documents.

Internet Jokester Strikes Again

SAN FRANCISCO—Sources at the popular technology blog Gizmodo reported today that the site had become the latest target of the infamous Internet jokester, a user known only as AnnaBananaDallas42, who left a scathing comment reading "Yawn…...
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