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Issue 4651

No One Knows Who Female Star Athlete In Nike Commercial Is

NEW YORK—A recent Nike commercial featuring star players from both the NBA and NFL also includes an evidently prominent African-American female athlete, though sources confirmed Thursday that not a single viewer knows her name or what sport she plays.

16,000 Diamondbacks Fans Killed On Complimentary Rattlesnake Night

PHOENIX—The Arizona Diamondbacks organization apologized to fans, their families, and the community at large Thursday after more than 16,000 people attending the previous night's game were killed by the poisonous Western diamondback rattlesnakes given out as part of Complimentary Rattlesnake Night.

JaMarcus Russell Currently Failing Drug Test

LOS ANGELES—Former Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell is currently in a Los Angeles Police Department bathroom failing a drug test, records will confirm Wednesday when the urine sample undergoes its initial toxicology screening.

164 Closeted Gay Men Having Impressive NFL Preseason

RUTHERFORD, NJ—As the first round of preseason games drew to a close Monday, NFL sources reported that the league's 164 closeted gay players were turning in excellent performances across the board as they battled for roster positions on the league's...

Massive Hit-And-Run Prematurely Ends Tour De France

POMAREZ, FRANCE—The 2010 Tour de France was canceled Friday morning following an incident during Stage 18 in which an unidentified automobile somehow found its way onto the course, struck each competing rider, and sped off without stopping.

Highlights Of George Steinbrenner's Reign

His legacy is a strange mixture of winning baseball and strained relationships, but there's no denying George Steinbrenner was a colorful and remarkable man. We remember his defining moments.

Umpire's Perfect Game Goes Completely Unnoticed

SEATTLE—Mariner fans unknowingly witnessed history Monday when veteran umpire Tony Candeleo became only the 11th umpire in major-league history to call a perfect officiating game, not missing a single strike, ball, or contested out for nine straight...

Nation's Soccer Fan Becoming Insufferable

WILMINGTON, DE—As the 2010 World Cup approaches, friends, family, and coworkers of 32-year-old Brad Janovich are growing less tolerant of the exuberant behavior of the United States' lone soccer fan. "Who's got World Cup fever?" Janovich a...

David Ortiz Getting Paid $13 Million, By The Way

BOSTON—According to official MLB statistics available as of press time, struggling Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz is hitting only .200 and has tallied a paltry four home runs and 11 RBIs thus far in 2010.

Russell Athletic Sheepishly Introduces New Cup

BOWLING GREEN, KY—Claiming that "today's more active athlete needs better protection for his, well, come on, you know," sports equipment manufacturer Russell Athletic debuted its new line of protective cups and athletic supporters Monday. ...

NCAA To Strip Duke Of Its '08-'09 Losses

DURHAM, NC—NCAA officials announced Wednesday that seven losses would be stricken from Duke's 2008-2009 season record, claiming they were forced to act after discovering evidence of dramatically meritorious behavior both on and off the court.

NIT Wrapped Up In About 5 Hours

NEW YORK—The 32-team field of the 2010 NIT took a businesslike attitude toward getting the tournament over with Wednesday, with participants entering Madison Square Garden at noon, hitting the showers around 5 p.m., and wrapping up the tournament's 31 games in record time.

Athletes And Sexual Misadventure

Tiger Woods' public apology for serial philandering reminds us how athletes have always found sex as problematic as it is easy for them to get.

Carmelo Anthony Called For Traveling Back In Time

HOUSTON—Nugget's forward Carmelo Anthony made no secret of his displeasure with game officials Monday night after being whistled for a rarely called traveling-through-time foul late in the fourth quarter of Denver's 125-123 loss to the Rockets.

Disabled Athlete Likes It When Opponents Go Easy On Him

SHIPPENSBURG, PA—At first glance, 17-year-old Jeremy Davis looks like any other member of the Shippensburg Lions wrestling team. He jostles for key position against his teammates, participates in spin and takedown drills, and seems to enjoy the challenges of his sport.

Bar Thinks They Have Curling Figured Out

DOYLESTOWN, PA—After three hours of watching Canada take on Denmark in women's curling Friday, regulars at the Cargo Grill in suburban Pennsylvania felt they had the rules and traditions of the sport sufficiently sussed out.

Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.

The Saints' Hapless History

The Saints' road to their first Super Bowl wasn't an easy one, as for years they were one of the unluckiest, most bumbling franchises in sports. We review their tale of football woe.

Saints, Colts Hoping To Resolve Super Bowl Through Diplomacy

'Playing Game Is Last Possible Resort,' NFL Commissioner Says

MIAMI—Team officials from the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts emerged from a tense, 12-hour negotiating session Thursday and told reporters that, while they had yet to reach a settlement that would prevent a massive on-field conflict, the AFC and NFC champions were committed to resolving the Super Bowl through diplomatic channels.

Everyone At Hospital Already Hates Wes Welker

BOSTON—Though injured New England Patriots wide receiver Wes Welker has only been in the hospital for five days, doctors, nurses, support staff, and fellow patients told reporters Thursday that the extremely passionate and determined Welker has already annoyed the hell out of everyone.

Browns Caught Trying To Sneak Girl Into Huddle

CLEVELAND—During the fourth quarter of their game last Sunday, the Cleveland Browns offense was caught attempting to sneak a 23-year-old female fan into their huddle. According to head referee Ed Hochuli, officials were informed of the hoax...
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.