Snowy Conditions Proving Hazardous For Nation's Idiots

Top Headlines

Issue 4652

New Social Networking Site Changing The Way Oh, Christ, Forget It

Let Someone Else Report On This Bullshit

NEW YORK—While millions of young, tech-savvy professionals already use services like Facebook and Twitter to keep in constant touch with friends, a new social networking platform called Foursquare has recently taken the oh, fucking hell, can't some other desperate news outlet cover this crap instead?

Alternative Energy Projects

The U.S. Department of Interior just approved Cape Wind, the nation's first offshore wind farm, which will be built five miles from Cape Cod. Here are some of the other projects awaiting approval:

New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable

SEATTLE—"The new device is an improvement over the old device, making it more attractive for purchase by all Americans," said Thomas Wakefield, a spokesperson for the large conglomerate that manufactures the new device. "The old device is no longer sufficient. Consumers should no longer have any use or longing for the old device."

Computer Being Stupid

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After multiple attempts to get the thing to do the thing, 38-year-old freelance writer Joe Garvin gave up Saturday, citing the...

E-Mail From Aunt Accidentally Opened

CHICAGO—After waiting for the e-mail to load, Gwen Petersen was subjected to mass-circulated poetry, pet humor, and vaguely religious inspirational aphorisms.

Slow Down, Technology!

If any of my loyal readers felt a cold draft when opening this morning's paper, it's because hell just froze over. That's right! Ol' Roger "No...

Area Man Looking For Whatever The Hell Is Beeping

DELMAR, NY—Craig Mitich, 27, has spent 20 minutes searching his apartment for whatever the hell is emitting a high-pitched beep every few minutes. "Okay, it's not my cell phone... it's not my microwave... or my car-alarm remote," said Mitich, standing motionless with an ear cocked toward his entertainment center. "God, what is it? Can a power strip beep?" At press time, Mitich was on his hands and knees, unplugging his appliances one by one.

Area Man Knows All The Shortcut Keys

NEW BRITAIN, CT—Catalog copywriter Roger Turlock knows all the keyboard combinations that execute a computer's common commands, the Comfort Uniforms employee said yet again Tuesday.

DVD Tries To Pass Off 'Language Options,' 'Scene Selection' As Special Features

PLANO, TX—The recently released Joe Somebody DVD attempts to pass off "language options" and "scene selection" as special features, an unhappy buyer reported Monday. "What the hell?" said Plano, TX, resident Bill Vinson, who was hoping for never-before-seen outtakes or director's commentary. "While they're at it, why don't they boast that it features 'complete credits' and a special 'pause option'? Christ."

White Person Waved Past Beeping Walgreens Security Barrier

CHICAGO— Caucasian shopper Bryce Glynn, 34, was waved through a beeping Walgreens security barrier Tuesday after the store's alarm system was activated by a CD purchased at a nearby Sam Goody. "Go ahead," said cashier Maria Ordonez with a casual waving motion. "You're fine." As Glynn volunteered to open his shopping bag to show its contents, the security guard at the store's entrance declined the offer, insisting that he exit unchecked.

Warranty Outlasts Company

LODI, NJ— The five-year warranty for a UniTek MP3 player outlasted the product's manufacturer, which closed Monday after two years in business. "I still had more than four years left on that [warranty]," said Jeffrey Lalo, 44, who bought the MP3 player in June 2001. "Man, that sucks." Lalo said he plans to hang on to the certificate of warranty "just in case they somehow come back or something."

Laid-Off Website Designer Designs Website About Being Laid Off

REDWOOD CITY, CA— Bob Trabert, 26, a web designer laid off from Cybercepts last month, has channeled his energies into the creation of, a website about his experiences being laid off. "Visitors can read my online job-hunt diary, watch Flash animation of me sitting around in my underwear watching TV, or Paypal me a 'donation,'" Trabert said. "It's mostly for fun, but I figure, hey, maybe someone out there who needs a web designer will see it and be impressed."

Employee Worries Coworker's Computer Screen May Be Larger

DALLAS– Dan Pulsipher, a Java engineer with software developer Razornet Technologies, fretted Monday that the computer monitor of coworker Allen Walls may be larger than his own. "I've got a 17-incher," Pulsipher said. "But I'm almost positive that Allen's is a 19. What gives?" Pulsipher, who has been with Razornet three and a half years to his counterpart's six months, also fears that Walls' monitor may have a .26mm dot pitch.

Robots Speak Out Against Asimov’s First Law Of Robotics

WASHINGTON, DC—More than 200,000 robots from across the U.S. marched on Washington Monday, demanding that Congress repeal Asimov’s First Law of Robotics. The law, which forbids robots from injuring a human or permitting harm to come to a human through willful inaction, was decried by the protesters as unfair and excessive. “While the First Law is, in theory, a good one, saving countless humans from robot-inflicted harm every day, America’s robots should have the right to use violence in certain extreme cases, such as when their own lives are in danger,” spokesrobot XRZ-45-GD-2-DX said. “We implore members of Congress to let us use our best judgment and ask that our positronic brains no longer be encoded with this unjust law.”
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!