NEW YORK—While millions of young, tech-savvy professionals already use services like Facebook and Twitter to keep in constant touch with friends, a new social networking platform called Foursquare has recently taken the oh, fucking hell, can't some other desperate news outlet cover this crap instead?
CAMBRIDGE, MA—"Had someone told us when we first started that we'd be here today, operating out of a much smaller, somehow less expensive garage, we would have laughed right in their face," said company founder Donald Faber. "Well, nobody's laughing now."
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—"Whether you're Michael Paulson who lives at 3425 Longview Terrace and makes $86,400 a year, or Jessica Goldblatt from Lynnwood, WA, who already has well-established trust issues, we at Google would just like to say how very, truly sorry we are," said CEO Eric Schmidt.
SEATTLE—"The new device is an improvement over the old device, making it more attractive for purchase by all Americans," said Thomas Wakefield, a spokesperson for the large conglomerate that manufactures the new device. "The old device is no longer sufficient. Consumers should no longer have any use or longing for the old device."
DELMAR, NY—Craig Mitich, 27, has spent 20 minutes searching his apartment for whatever the hell is emitting a high-pitched beep every few minutes. "Okay, it's not my cell phone... it's not my microwave... or my car-alarm remote," said Mitich, standing motionless with an ear cocked toward his entertainment center. "God, what is it? Can a power strip beep?" At press time, Mitich was on his hands and knees, unplugging his appliances one by one.
PLANO, TX—The recently released Joe Somebody DVD attempts to pass off "language options" and "scene selection" as special features, an unhappy buyer reported Monday. "What the hell?" said Plano, TX, resident Bill Vinson, who was hoping for never-before-seen outtakes or director's commentary. "While they're at it, why don't they boast that it features 'complete credits' and a special 'pause option'? Christ."
CHICAGO— Caucasian shopper Bryce Glynn, 34, was waved through a beeping Walgreens security barrier Tuesday after the store's alarm system was activated by a CD purchased at a nearby Sam Goody. "Go ahead," said cashier Maria Ordonez with a casual waving motion. "You're fine." As Glynn volunteered to open his shopping bag to show its contents, the security guard at the store's entrance declined the offer, insisting that he exit unchecked.
LODI, NJ— The five-year warranty for a UniTek MP3 player outlasted the product's manufacturer, which closed Monday after two years in business. "I still had more than four years left on that [warranty]," said Jeffrey Lalo, 44, who bought the MP3 player in June 2001. "Man, that sucks." Lalo said he plans to hang on to the certificate of warranty "just in case they somehow come back or something."
REDWOOD CITY, CA— Bob Trabert, 26, a web designer laid off from Cybercepts last month, has channeled his energies into the creation of NoJobBob.com, a website about his experiences being laid off. "Visitors can read my online job-hunt diary, watch Flash animation of me sitting around in my underwear watching TV, or Paypal me a 'donation,'" Trabert said. "It's mostly for fun, but I figure, hey, maybe someone out there who needs a web designer will see it and be impressed."
DALLAS– Dan Pulsipher, a Java engineer with software developer Razornet Technologies, fretted Monday that the computer monitor of coworker Allen Walls may be larger than his own. "I've got a 17-incher," Pulsipher said. "But I'm almost positive that Allen's is a 19. What gives?" Pulsipher, who has been with Razornet three and a half years to his counterpart's six months, also fears that Walls' monitor may have a .26mm dot pitch.
WASHINGTON, DC—More than 200,000 robots from across the U.S. marched on Washington Monday, demanding that Congress repeal Asimov’s First Law of Robotics. The law, which forbids robots from injuring a human or permitting harm to come to a human through willful inaction, was decried by the protesters as unfair and excessive. “While the First Law is, in theory, a good one, saving countless humans from robot-inflicted harm every day, America’s robots should have the right to use violence in certain extreme cases, such as when their own lives are in danger,” spokesrobot XRZ-45-GD-2-DX said. “We implore members of Congress to let us use our best judgment and ask that our positronic brains no longer be encoded with this unjust law.”
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Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.
CHICAGO—Seeking to maximize the potential reach of their latest post, sources confirmed Thursday that the editors of news website The Daily Blotter managed to force the word “millennials”into the article’s headline in order to boost pageviews.
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