Tim Duncan Reports 5th Straight Successful New Year's Resolution

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Issue 4701

Modern-Day Cowboy Rides 18-Wheeler Full Of Entenmann's Products Westward

SOLOMON, KS—Awakening to the lonely howl of a distant coyote early Tuesday morning, C.J. Hoppel climbs into his 18-wheeler and sets off westward across a barren stretch of unbroken prairie, the whipping wind his only companion as he pulls a rig full of Entenmann's baked goods and snack cakes across the plains.

Cam Newton

The sheer talent of this dual-threat Auburn quarterback is only eclipsed by everything else in his life. That aside, is he any good?

NFL Playoffs 2010

As the playoffs begin, Onion Sports offers an analysis of each team's chances to win it all.

Fully Validated Kanye West Retires To Quiet Farm In Iowa

'I Got All The Approval I Needed,' Content Former Pop Star Says

SPILLVILLE, IA—Following the widespread acclaim and media adulation over his latest album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, multimillion-selling recording artist Kanye West announced Wednesday that he had finally received the exact amount of approval he needed to attain and had therefore retired from the entertainment industry to live on a small farm in Iowa.

DHS Teams Up With Wal-Mart

Last month, the Department of Homeland Security announced it was working with retailer Wal-Mart to help protect American towns. What policies is Wal-Mart instituting to make our communities safer?

Shepard's Pie: The Seattle Seahawks Have Mothers Too

First of all: How dare all of us. It's very easy to pass judgement from our ivory pulpits with our platinum gavels. We see a team finish 7-9 and we immediately think that they are somehow undeserving of entry into a tournament meant to find the very best ...

Who Was I, And Why Was I Important Again?

I was flipping through the channels the other day when I heard a CNN reporter say something along the lines of "Something, something, since John Sununu," and I thought, "Oh, yeah.

Bradley Center Announcer Way More Into Miami Heat Than Bucks

MILWAUKEE—Barely mentioning the Milwaukee Bucks Monday night, the Bradley Center's public-address announcer continually showed blatant favoritism toward the Miami Heat, giving them an overblown introduction that included bombastically shouting each ...

Virgin Mary Statue Crying For No Good Reason

WORCESTER, MA—"Like everyone else, I got sucked in at first," said the Rev. Paul Doherty, the pastor of the church, who admitted he had once kissed the tears streaming from the eyes of the 5-foot wooden altarpiece. "But now it's just too much—crying in the morning when I come in, crying during baptisms, crying, crying, crying all the time."

Shepard's Pie: Taken Abackdraft

I don't normally like to break from our never-ending torrent of sports here on the Pie, but I had to complain about a piece of absolute trash I saw on the television this week. I was having one of my famous Staying-In Sundays with the wife, making hot tod...

Shepard's Pie: Christmas Eve Carp

Joyeux Noel everyone! Almost Christmastime and as you know, got a lot of traditions going on at once: the wife and I are exchanging new pairs of pajamas on Christmas Eve so we can wake up Christmas morn decked out in fresh flannels; gonna dress as Sinterk...
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Tim Duncan Reports 5th Straight Successful New Year's Resolution

SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan confirmed Monday that since he had not put off answering e-mails once during the entire year, 2010 would mark the fifth consecutive year he had held true to his New Year's resolution. "In 2006, I vowed to cut down on the sodium in my diet, and in 2007, I promised myself I would win another NBA championship and finally visit Denmark," said Duncan, adding that 2009's resolution to "loosen up and have more fun" was achieved by auditing a sociology course at the University of Texas at San Antonio. "2008 was hard, but on Dec. 31, I finally built up enough courage to talk to [AT&T Center concession-stand worker] Erin [Matthews]." This year, the 12-time All-Star has resolved to start cooking for himself more and to put more thought into the gifts he gives.