Report: Most NFL Receivers Compensating For Not Having Enough Things Thrown At Them As Children

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Issue 4702

The High Reis: Top Playoff Storylines

All the playoff teams are this weekend so I decided to make a post about the top storylines in each game, which are all interesting. As explained to me, the storylines are the things people talk about. But it is more complicated than that. Anyway here are the storylines.

Seahawks at Bears

The surprising Seahawks look to go .500 and advance to the NFC championship game by defeating the Bears, a team they actually beat this season. Will this game be any good?

2011 Hall Of Fame Finalists

Canton has released this year's list of players nominated for the Hall of Fame. We weigh in on who is and isn't deserving of football's highest individual honor.

Sam Cassell Asks If He Can Get In On Carmelo Anthony Trade

WASHINGTON—Wizards assistant coach and former Houston Rockets guard Sam Cassell reportedly phoned his agent and several NBA front offices Monday inquiring if he could "get in on" the potential three-team deal that would send Carmelo Anthon...

Inside The Onion News Network

The anchors of the Onion News Network's top-rated program "FactZone" answer viewers' questions about what it's like behind the scenes of the most powerful cable news channel in recorded human history. The Onion News Network premieres on IFC on January 21st at 10/9pm c.

Report: Nation Not Ready For This

Maybe 10 Years From Now, But That's A Big Maybe

WASHINGTON—According to an extremely wary congressional report issued Monday, the nation does not need and is not at all ready for this right now, though it might possibly be worth considering at some point in the future.

OSN Globo-Poll: The Heat's New Rules

Now that the Heat can sign any player who signs a Friendship Contract and touches everything in Chris Bosh's "Gross Box" while blindfolded, who should they pursue in the offseason?

More On Bosh, Wade And LeBron's New Rules For Basketball

The Dome brought you the first look at the new rules for basketball, designed by Heat superstars Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade and LeBron James who were reportedly "sick of playing basketball the stupid way." But while they've gotten a lot of buzz for...

Original NBA Rules Proposal

The Onion Sports Network obtained the original proposal sent to the NBA and immediately ratified by commissioner David Stern who still has not bothered to read them.

New NBA Basketball Rule #8

Bosh came up with Rule 8, which allows for the use of ziplines players can ride right to the basket, after learning that rocket shoes were not feasible.

2012 Prius To Feature Rudimentary Reproductive System

TOKYO—In an effort to keep pace with its largely progressive customer base, Toyota Motor Corporation announced Monday that the 2012 line of Prius hybrid-electric vehicles would come equipped with a crude but functional reproductive system.

The High Reis: What Was That Part At The End

Football has a lot of confusing rules. I have been watching football for many years and I still don't understand them. What happened at that part at the end of the first half? There was that weird play and the refs made some call but I didn't understand...

Shepard's Pie: Congratulations, Tigers!

A lot of people thought Auburn would win because of Cam Newton. Instead, my analysis detected another factor -- wanting it. On OSN's Pre-Bowl College Kickoff, I said something that looks pretty prescient now. "I don't know which team it will be, bu...
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Report: Most NFL Receivers Compensating For Not Having Enough Things Thrown At Them As Children

MADISON, WI—According to a report released this week by the Association for Applied Sport Psychology, more than 86 percent of NFL wideouts became receivers as a way to compensate for the lack of things thrown at them during their childhood. "Because their mothers and fathers weren't there to whip things at their chests, these players must seek validation elsewhere," AASP spokesperson Melinda Panzer said in an interview. "You can see it in the agony on their faces when they yell at their quarterbacks to throw them the ball, or when they smack the ground when they don't catch it. Wide receivers are sick individuals who need help." The report also found that zero percent of NFL wide receivers suffer from a mental illness in which they feel compelled to practice more.