WASHINGTON—According to an extremely wary congressional report issued Monday, the nation does not need and is not at all ready for this right now ...

MASON, OH—Frantic executives of the Iams pet food corporation convened an emergency meeting Wednesday to address the brand's increasingly poor sales among 2- ...

MT. VERNON, WA—Thirty-seven-year-old bank employee Brian Terlaine is apparently spending his entire adult life avoiding any activity or decision that might give him the ...

WASHINGTON—A shocking report released Monday by the Internal Revenue Service revealed that more than 65 percent of the money donated at churches across the ...

TOKYO—In an effort to keep pace with its largely progressive customer base, Toyota Motor Corporation announced Monday that the 2012 line of Prius hybrid-electric ...

ALBANY, GA—A local Bible study group led by 18-year-old Elna Parker has begun meeting more frequently and taking regular practice exams in preparation for ...

TUCSON, AZ—Jared Lee Loughner was released from custody this afternoon when it was determined that the suspect—accused of a shooting spree that left ...

WASHINGTON—As the standoff between Ivory Coast's defiant incumbent president and its president-elect continued into its seventh week, American media experts warned Tuesday that ...

WASHINGTON—Former president John F. Kennedy made a rare appearance at the 33rd annual Kennedy Center Honors, which celebrated the long-standing cultural contributions of Oprah ...

WASHINGTON—Sources struggling to make sense of the shooting rampage in Tucson confirmed Wednesday that it would take much more than brutally gunning down a ...

NEW YORK—According to media analysts, the nation's TV commentators and political pundits have proved uncannily accurate when describing the deeply disturbed inner thoughts ...

CALMAR, IA—With manic grunts, crazed undulations, and an utter disregard for the personal space of others, the dancing wild man once again appeared without ...

According to a report in The Washington Post, Gen. David Petraeus and other American military commanders were given access to $5 billion in discretionary funds ...

Aries: After three exhausting weeks, you'll be embarrassed and infuriated to learn that the Marine Corps motto is not in fact "Semper Fellatio."

A lot of people thought Auburn would win because of Cam Newton. Instead, my analysis detected another factor -- wanting it. On OSN's Pre-Bowl College ...

Football has a lot of confusing rules. I have been watching football for many years and I still don't understand them. What happened at ...

As Public Enemy might have said, millions of suspensions couldn't hold him back, and Alex Reiser is back on the Dome tonight!

As you probably saw, Domers, tonight I made my return to the Dome after a long and difficult suspension.

The Dome brought you the first look at the new rules for basketball, designed by Heat superstars Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade and LeBron James who ...

Though the NFL claims they closely monitor brain-damaged retirees to keep them away from the general public, here are some things to remember if you ...

If all franchises received as much support in retaining star players from their home cities as the Cardinals have received from the city of St.

St. Louis isn't the first city to offer a star enticements to stay with their team. Here's how other cities have tried to ...

1. Travis Wojkowski: Wojkowski finally gets to number one on our power rankings after a strong week getting into a fistfight with his door and ...

All the playoff teams are this weekend so I decided to make a post about the top storylines in each game, which are all interesting ...

NEW YORK—Though fewer and fewer games are being held each weekend, sources confirmed Thursday that anticipation and tension throughout the NFL seems to be ...

GLENDALE, AZ—A thrilling, down-to-the-wire BCS National Championship game between Auburn and the University of Oregon, as well as the sport of football itself and ...

WASHINGTON—Wizards assistant coach and former Houston Rockets guard Sam Cassell reportedly phoned his agent and several NBA front offices Monday inquiring if he could ...

CHICAGO—Though the historically bad Seattle Seahawks managed, despite a 7-9 record, to defeat the defending world-champion Saints on Saturday, football fans agreed yesterday that ...

CHICAGO—Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher posited a new theory to his teammates Wednesday, speculating that the rapid rotation of Saturn, coupled with the planet ...

WINDERMERE, FL—Tiger Woods reportedly spent several hours in deep contemplation Saturday, pondering whether he should inform friends, family, and reporters that he's still ...

MADISON, WI—According to a report released this week by the Association for Applied Sport Psychology, more than 86 percent of NFL wideouts became receivers ...

Many people report feelings of depression after the holidays. Here are some ways you can relieve the seasonal doldrums.

Canton has released this year's list of players nominated for the Hall of Fame. We weigh in on who is and isn't deserving ...

The Onion Sports Network obtained the original proposal sent to the NBA and immediately ratified by commissioner David Stern who still has not bothered to ...

Bosh came up with Rule 8, which allows for the use of ziplines players can ride right to the basket, after learning that rocket shoes ...

Finding the buried treasure chest on Slam Dunk Island is worth 20 wins and an automatic playoff bid.

The surprising Seahawks look to go .500 and advance to the NFC championship game by defeating the Bears, a team they actually beat this season ...

The Pentagon has been ordered to slow its growth and ultimately reduce Army and Marine forces by nearly 6 percent.

The History Channel has decided not to air The Kennedys, an eight-part miniseries starring Greg Kinnear as John Kennedy and Katie Holmes as Jackie Kennedy ...

In a recent study, people who spent more than four leisure-time hours a day sitting in front of a TV or computer screen showed a ...

The infamous Westboro Baptist Church called off plans to protest the funerals of those killed during the attempted assassination of Rep.

In a study from Institute for Safe Medication Practices, the smoking-cessation medication varenicline (sold as Chantix in the United States) topped a list of the ...

Dear The Onion, After a thorough analysis of your business model, we suggest that you renew your focus on synergy and streamline operations where cost ...

Dear The Onion, I'm having trouble telling when to flip an omelet, and whether or not my girlfriend has had an orgasm during sex ...

The anchors of the Onion News Network's top-rated program "FactZone" answer viewers' questions about what it's like behind the scenes of the most ...

Now that the Heat can sign any player who signs a Friendship Contract and touches everything in Chris Bosh's "Gross Box" while blindfolded, who ...

Handicapped fighter Nick Prindell has been garnering attention for his boundless talent and UFC's refusal to let him fight with his metal prosthetic hands.