Final Week Of "Dumb In America" Looks At Future Of Idiots

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Issue 4704

"Dumb In America" Fourth Episode Shines Light On Dumb Blacks

Harris goes deep inside the dumb black experience to ask, "In a country where African-Americans make up an inordinate amount of the prison population, does being dumb really matter one way or the other? They're probably going to get you anyway, righ...

U-Say Response To Becker Decision

Was the Supreme Court's ruling against Tom Becker fair? Here's what U, the viewers, have to say: "That Becker guy is the worst. I'd rather have my ears bleed uncontrollably than listen to him drone on about the benefits of taekwondo again." --...

The CrossWord: Juniper Has Troubled Past

All right, people, let's talk about this horse-marriage debacle. The conventional wisdom is that Congressman Ronald North is the bad guy, but like all conventional wisdom, it's DEAD WRONG.

This Week's "Dumb In America" Looks At Dumb Men

In "The Dumb Man: Hardship & Hope At An Eighty-Six I.Q.," "Dumb In America" host John Harris examines what it means to be a dumb man in America today. Though stupid men find themselves increasingly accepted by society as a ...

U-Say Responses To The Military Chaperone Program

We received thousands of emails about the army’s new chaperone program for women in combat. Here's what U-Say about this issue: "I can't imagine sending these women into combat without a man there to make sure to catch them when they faint at a...

No One Shows Up For Pro Bowl

NEW YORK—Despite the game having been scheduled well over a year ago, not a single person associated with the NFL—players, coaches, reporters, or stadium employees—arrived in Honolulu for the Pro Bowl on Sunday.

Paranoid Duck Convinced CIA Killing Off U.S. Bird Population

TULSA, OK—Claiming with certainty that government agents were behind the unexplained deaths of several thousand redwing blackbirds in Arkansas this month, a mallard duck voiced suspicions Tuesday that the CIA has conducted a decades-long covert operation to decimate the nation's bird population.

The CrossWord: More On Decoy Muslims

I've been getting calls all day saying, "Shelby, you have me terrified. Tell me some more about these Decoy Muslims." All right, listen up, because I'm about to tell you what you should do next time you see someone who looks Muslimish.

Onion News Network Winter Weather Safety Tips

We urge all idiots to take caution during this snow emergency and keep in mind the follow tips: Snow is cold Avoid walking, running, or driving into trees A garbage bag does not make a "great coat" Keep icicles out of eyes Go outside only if su...

Protect Yourself With An Emergency Porn Kit

As a historic blizzard continues to hammer the Midwest, many are finding themselves stranded and without an internet connection, unable to access even the most basic pornography. Protect yourself. Keep Emergency Porn Kits in your home your home, car, and office. While an Emergency Porn Kit won’t provide you with the endless variants of hardcore sex you’re used to, it will be enough to save you from going through a disaster entirely pornless.

World War II Hero Cursed Out For Driving Speed Limit

JAMESTOWN, ND—A decorated World War II veteran who was still a teenager when he first saw combat and witnessed the bodies of friends being torn apart by heavy artillery was cursed at by a passing motorist Tuesday for driving the posted speed limit.


The 45th Super Bowl looks to be a game for the ages, featuring two evenly matched teams with magnificent traditions. Here's what Green Bay and Pittsburgh can do to avoid a boring blowout:

Super Bowl Veterans Much More Prepared For Big Game's Unique Stresses

Rookies Often Rattled By Pools Of Boiling Blood, Scything Blades, Psychosexual Hallucinations

ARLINGTON, TX—As the Super Bowl approaches, veterans returning to football's most high-pressure event have been doing their best to prepare their teammates for the mental stresses, unique physical demands, and quasi-supernatural nightmarish manifest...

Submit Your Ad To OSN's One-Second Chance Super Bowl Contest

You've got one second to make an impression with the whole world watching. Upload your one-second OSN ad, and if you're the top vote-getter, you'll see it for one glorious second during the Super Bowl.  Cash in on YOUR one second of fame -- upload yo...

Study: 89 Percent Of Networking Nonconsensual

ATLANTA—A new study published Tuesday by Emory University determined that 89 percent of networking encounters occur forcibly and without the consent of one of the parties involved, a disturbing finding that suggests far more people are victims of unwanted career-related discussions than was previously thought.

Democrats Hold Annual Retreat

Last weekend, House Democrats convened in Maryland and met with Vice President Joe Biden and President Barack Obama for their annual retreat. Here are some highlights of the meeting:

Boxing Fans Heartbroken As Kent Sudder Survives

Disappointing scene in Las Vegas as boxer Hector Ansada failed to kill his opponent Kent Sudder in the ring today. Despite Sudder's clearly out-of-shape physique and a referee with near-criminal level tolerance for violence, Ansada was not able to deliv...

QVC Temptation Tour Power Rankings

Ann Folger waged an unsuccessful battle against QVC, caving in and buying a pitcher with fruit infuser. That knocked her clean out of the power rankings for the week, so let's see who usurped her position: 1) Audrey Thomas Last Week: 1 ...

U-Say Response To Detroit Judge's Decision

We received thousands of viewers mails about Judge Lemont's decision that 16-year-old Hannah Stevenson will be tried as a black adult. Here's what U-Say about the ruling: "Hannah does not deserve this. No matter how bad her crime may have been, she...

Gap Between Rich And Poor Named 8th Wonder Of The World

PARIS—At a press conference Tuesday, the World Heritage Committee officially recognized the Gap Between Rich and Poor as the "Eighth Wonder of the World," describing the global wealth divide as the "most colossal and enduring of mankind's creations."
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Final Week Of "Dumb In America" Looks At Future Of Idiots

In "Half-Wits Ascendant: Towards A Dumber Tomorrow," Host John Harris is embedded with The Brotherhood of the Talon, a group of anti-government revolutionaries deep in the Ozarks, where he uncovers a little-known fact: several of the nation's Founding Founders were actually dumb. Will America finally come to terms with its dumb heritage? Don't miss this final episode of this important series, or the Onion News Netword's follow-up series "Dumb In America 2: State of Dumbergency," coming in 2012.