WASHINGTON—Citing historical legislative accomplishments, an improving economy, and the American people's resilience in the face of adversity, President Barack Obama declared Tuesday that ...

ATLANTA—A new study published Tuesday by Emory University determined that 89 percent of networking encounters occur forcibly and without the consent of one of ...

TULSA, OK—Claiming with certainty that government agents were behind the unexplained deaths of several thousand redwing blackbirds in Arkansas this month, a mallard duck ...

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Responding to increased demands for easily moisturized infants, the Johnson & Johnson pharmaceutical com≠pany unveiled its latest product Monday, a self-lotioning baby.

CLEVELAND—Officials from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced Tuesday they were removing 1993 inductee Van Morrison from the institution following the discovery ...

BOULDER, CO—After a long day of hearing the prayers of His followers and controlling the seas and skies, God confirmed today He almost forgot ...

NEW YORK—Actor Tom Gilbert, who for the past 44 years has portrayed the popular television personality Regis Philbin, announced last week he will be ...

OKLAHOMA CITY—According to patrons of the gym, All-American Fitness added this new big heavy pull thing Tuesday, over in the corner by the leg ...

JAMESTOWN, ND—A decorated World War II veteran who was still a teenager when he first saw combat and witnessed the bodies of friends being ...

Last weekend, House Democrats convened in Maryland and met with Vice President Joe Biden and President Barack Obama for their annual retreat. Here are some ...

Aries: Your plans for an exciting weekend will be spoiled when a busybody scientist decides he just has to ask you why you want all ...

The SportsDome is starting to rev up, readying itself to bring you an overflowing plate of the latest sports information.

We received thousands of viewers mails about Judge Lemont's decision that 16-year-old Hannah Stevenson will be tried as a black adult. Here's what ...

Ann Folger waged an unsuccessful battle against QVC, caving in and buying a pitcher with fruit infuser. That knocked her clean out of the power ...

When people want to make a documentary about a slice of Americana, they come to Reade, Texas and join the long, proud tradition of filming ...

There's a lot of buzz building around Deadly Chemistry's next gig after we got a little on-air publicity from yours truly.

Disappointing scene in Las Vegas as boxer Hector Ansada failed to kill his opponent Kent Sudder in the ring today. Despite Sudder's clearly out-of-shape ...

You've got one second to make an impression with the whole world watching. Upload your one-second OSN ad, and if you're the top ...

As a historic blizzard continues to hammer the Midwest, many are finding themselves stranded and without an internet connection, unable to access even the most ...

We urge all idiots to take caution during this snow emergency and keep in mind the follow tips: Snow is cold Avoid walking, running, or ...

"Dumb In America" host John Harris is on a search to answer a question as complex as America itself: What is Dumbness?

I've been getting calls all day saying, "Shelby, you have me terrified. Tell me some more about these Decoy Muslims." All right, listen up ...

I saw the band that Mark Shepard is in called Deadly Chemistry play songs at a bar on Saturday night.

A lot of people have been getting their knickers in a tizzy lately over the military's new plan to pair female soldiers with male ...

We received thousands of emails about the army’s new chaperone program for women in combat. Here's what U-Say about this issue: "I can ...

In "The Dumb Man: Hardship & Hope At An Eighty-Six I.Q.," "Dumb In America" host John Harris examines what it means to be a dumb ...

Congressman Ronald North, who today admitted to having an affair with a horse, was one of Capitol Hill's most outspoken opponents of gay marriage ...

All right, people, let's talk about this horse-marriage debacle. The conventional wisdom is that Congressman Ronald North is the bad guy, but like all ...

Was the Supreme Court's ruling against Tom Becker fair? Here's what U, the viewers, have to say: "That Becker guy is the worst ...

In "Episode Three: The Dumb Glue Holding The Dumb Family Together," reporter John Harris continues his cross-country odyssey of dumbness by talking to imbecilic women ...

Harris goes deep inside the dumb black experience to ask, "In a country where African-Americans make up an inordinate amount of the prison population, does ...

In "Half-Wits Ascendant: Towards A Dumber Tomorrow," Host John Harris is embedded with The Brotherhood of the Talon, a group of anti-government revolutionaries deep in ...

ARLINGTON, TX—As the Super Bowl approaches, veterans returning to football's most high-pressure event have been doing their best to prepare their teammates for ...

PHILADELPHIA—A study released Monday by the University of Pennsylvania Department of Psychology revealed a direct correlation between smiling in adult American males and the ...

NEW YORK—Despite the game having been scheduled well over a year ago, not a single person associated with the NFL—players, coaches, reporters, or ...

CINCINNATI—Claiming that the phone had been ringing off the hook all morning, Bengals owner and general manager Mike Brown told reporters Tuesday that representatives ...

MIDDLE RIVER, MD—According to his irritated friends, local man Mike Dreyer is inexplicably shocked and angered whenever he hears the over-under oddsmakers have set ...

DENVER—In an explosive performance Sunday night, small forward Carmelo Anthony hustled all over the court, leaping for rebounds, diving for loose balls, and erupting ...

Jay Cutler's supposed lack of toughness has people discussing the gutsiest performances in sports. Here are the ones we'll always remember:

The 45th Super Bowl looks to be a game for the ages, featuring two evenly matched teams with magnificent traditions. Here's what Green Bay ...

In the largest mob crackdown in U.S. history, the FBI has targeted 30 “made” members and nearly 100 associates of the Mafia in New ...

Without any advance notice, MSNBC Countdown host Keith Olbermann announced during his program Friday that the show that night would be his last.

Last night, President Barack Obama delivered his second State of the Union address. What do you think?

Lingerie company Bravissimo introduced the world's first L-cup bra as part of their spring collection.

Following the first increase in pedestrian fatalities in four years, some states are considering banning the use of electronic devices like cell phones and MP3 ...

Dear The Onion, The transitions between your articles are far too harsh and abrupt. Would you mind beginning your articles with phrases such as "And ...

Dear The Onion, Here are some people who I think read this newspaper: important businessmen, hip yet aging Gen-Xers, and cute indie girls who wear ...

On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy interview the 15-year-old girl who cannot possibly live up to the firefighter who died saving her.

In another "In My Sights" segment, Brooke dressed down a serial killer as lazy and unoriginal.

After years of gridlock, Democrats and Republicans have realized no one remembers how to actually enact legislation.

FEMA has vowed to "make up for last time" by using every tool at its disposal to save New Orleans from this hint of a ...

Terrorists are planting normal, hard-working Muslim Americans throughout the nation to get us to lower our guard.

Women will now be allowed to fight on the front lines, provided a chaperone is there to make sure they don't hurt themselves.

Power outages throughout the Midwest have left millions of residents without the ability to watch their library of girl-on-girl DVDs or access fetish videos online.

FactZone's autistic reporter is in Washington DC where friends and family of a gunshot victim are crying and hugging in front of a corpse.

Tonight's Dome counted UP the tallest players in NBA history, according to height. But who cares about numbers and measurements?

Kobe Bryant is announcing his newest personality this week, and we want to know what YOU think. Out of Kobe Bryant's vast array of ...

Thousands of people in snow-covered Wisconsin are currently trapped inside their homes with their horrible, intolerable family members.

The government response to the pornography outage that hit the Midwest this week has faced widespread criticism, with many complaining the emergency porn distributed by ...

Should Congress just forget the old procedure for signing a bill into law and just create a new one that's easier to remember like ...