Super Bowl Security Breached As Regular Football Fan Finds Way Into Stadium

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Issue 4705

Tom Becker's Testimony

The Supreme Court recently ruled that the First Amendment no longer applied to idiotic blowhard, Tom Becker.

Apple Fans Lining Up For iHand

This week Apple rolls out its newest must-have gadget, the iHand. Millions of devoted Apple fans have already pre-ordered the sleek device, cutting off their hands early so they can be the first of their friends to attach the high-tech prosthetic hand to ...

Photos Surface Of Congressman Cavorting With Horse

Today photos surfaced showing Mississippi Congressman Ronald North--a staunch anti-gay marriage activist who argued that allowing a man to marry another man would lead to men marrying horses--in what appears to be romantic outings with a mare.

Super Bowl Still Hasn't Happened Yet

ARLINGTON, TX—Despite the overwhelming media hype, countless interviews with players and coaches, and considerable speculation about the big game since the conference champions earned Super Bowl berths nearly two weeks ago, Super Bowl XLV still hasn...

Packers Fans

STRENGTHS: Whatever muscles one uses to lift 340 pounds of lard out of bed each morning; unwilling to let work, family, religion, or even basic necessities like health and shelter stand in the way of their devotion to the Packers; best fans in the ...

Mike McCarthy

STRENGTHS: Never-ending source of thrilling sound bites such as "We'll address that after the Super Bowl," "That's a nonissue for us," and "We're just here to play football"; known for wild offensive trickery such as t...

Clay Matthews

STRENGTHS: Able to tackle all players, even those who don't desire to be tackled; thick shag carpet matches the long drapes; dislikes not hitting people WEAKNESSES: Sacks actually his second favorite statistic behind the obscure "Tackle...

Charles Woodson

STRENGTHS: Won the Heisman Trophy, which, come to think of it, has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on this game; unique ability to line-up anywhere on the field except, for some reason, the 36-yard line; disguises blitz by dropping back into cover...

Donald Driver

STRENGTHS: Best player in league at smiling after the catch; phenomenal jumper, but also remarkable at standing perfectly still; great route runner in the way that's actually not a euphemism for "slow as shit" WEAKNESSES: Expressin...

Aaron Rodgers

STRENGTHS: Sees the field almost too well, so is sometimes distracted by unevenly cut grass or poorly painted on-field lines; best time-out calling mechanics in NFL; uses mobility and quick feet to escape shadow of Brett Favre WEAKNESSES: Yo...

Steelers Fans

STRENGTHS: Somehow pull off rooting for a team that always wins without coming off like Patriots fans; good at waving things, spinning things; best fans in the world WEAKNESSES: Still sort of like Terry Bradshaw; still sort of cheer for Ben ...

Mike Tomlin

STRENGTHS: Summoned the hypocrisy necessary to trade Santonio Holmes for pot infraction but keep Ben Roethlisberger; can manage and motivate an entire 40-man roster of elite athletes while staying on one side of white line; only decided to coach th...

Troy Polamalu

STRENGTHS: So good, only needs to play 75 percent of season to be named Defensive Player of the Year; eight-year veteran at strong safety, but reads offenses at a 12th-year level; is behind you right now WEAKNESSES: Style of play should have...

James Harrison

STRENGTHS: Has given NFL $3 million in fine money prior to game so he can feel free to tackle helmet-first anytime he wants, which shows good strategic thinking; good at murder; plays Steeler football, whatever the hell that means WEAKNESSES:...

Hines Ward

STRENGTHS: One of the most agreeable assholes in the game; block on Keith Rivers received harsh critical reviews but grossed $12.5 million worldwide; great blocking receiver, mangling receiver; unlike some Steelers receivers, can in fact catch a co...

Ben Roethlisberger

STRENGTHS: Defensive ends and blitzing linebackers have trouble getting a grasp on his misshapen head; remarkable ability to avoid tacklers, prosecution; because his offensive line sort of sucks shit, has figured out how to extend plays indefinitel...

Super Bowl XLV Preview Guide

With Super Bowl XLV upon us, Onion Sports has assembled this guide to each team's top players, coaches, and fans to help you answer the crucial question: Will Super Bowl XLV be any good?

Steelers, Packers

ARLINGTON, TX—Over the past two weeks, sources close to the NFL have confirmed Steelers, Packers.

Area Woman Marries Into Health Insurance

SAN FRANCISCO—The romantic motives of local woman Janet Debois, 28, came under scrutiny Sunday following accusations that she had only married Vince Davidson, 31, for his generous health insurance policy.

Police Bust Giraffe-Fighting Ring

ST. LOUIS—Local law enforcement officials announced Monday they had broken up a major giraffe-fighting ring, arresting two alleged organizers and 12 spectators found at the scene, in addition to confiscating $45,000 in cash and 10 badly abused giraffes.

DomeFacts: The Truly Disgusting Career Of Kwame Brown

The Minnesota Timberwolves lost the Kwame Brown Lottery, meaning they will be forced to sign Kwame to a contract this offseason, despite his horrible play and even worse attitude. Here are some DomeFacts about Kwame to put the T-Wolves' misery in per...

Study: 90% Of Plane Landings Just Barely Pulled Off

WASHINGTON—According to a new study published by the National Transportation Safety Board, 90 percent of successful plane landings are "this close" to ending with the aircraft pinwheeling down the runway and exploding into a fireball of tw...
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Special Coverage


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


Super Bowl Security Breached As Regular Football Fan Finds Way Into Stadium

ARLINGTON, TX—Security officials admitted Monday that 25-year-old Michael Thillens, a normal Packers fan with no connection to any corporate sponsor or multimillion-dollar Dallas business, somehow entered Cowboys Stadium and was able to watch his team play in the Super Bowl for two quarters Sunday before being apprehended. "First off, I don't know how an actual fan of one of these teams got a ticket to the game, but that's for another day," said security director Mel Janicki, who stressed that every year authorities do their very best to make sure sponsors, friends of sponsors, curious millionaires, high-level league employees, and celebrities are allowed to attend the Super Bowl in a safe and stable environment. "We should have been more suspicious when he entered the stadium wearing all that Green Bay apparel, but we get a lot of rich investors who bring their kids and buy a bunch of team clothing before the game just for the fun of it." Janicki said that Thillens gave himself away by being the only person in the stadium who cared about the game's outcome.