WASHINGTON—In a strong rebuke of President Obama and his domestic agenda, all 242 House Republicans voted Wednesday to repeal the Asteroid Destruction and American ...

ST. LOUIS—Local law enforcement officials announced Monday they had broken up a major giraffe-fighting ring, arresting two alleged organizers and 12 spectators found at ...

ANNANDALE-ON-HUDSON, NY—The Princeton Review announced this week that Bard College has topped its annual ranking of the nation's biggest dinner party schools.

WASHINGTON—According to a new study published by the National Transportation Safety Board, 90 percent of successful plane landings are "this close" to ending with ...

LOS ANGELES—The Laugh Factory audience† received a surprise Thursday when actor-comedian Denis Leary dropped by to try out material for his upcoming Ford commercial.

YAKIMA, WA—According to sources, sophomore Melanie Finkelstein, a reporter for Yakima High School's Eagle Eye student newspaper, is, as of Tuesday, the most ...

CHICAGO—In a unanimous decision handed down on Thursday, the Illinois Supreme Court ruled that former White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel was sleazy ...

CAIRO—In an effort to provide monetary compensation to the Egyptian president for three decades of faithful service, U.S.

SAN FRANCISCO—The romantic motives of local woman Janet Debois, 28, came under scrutiny Sunday following accusations that she had only married Vince Davidson, 31 ...

LAS VEGAS—Saying they couldn't believe it had been five years since their Niagara Falls honeymoon, Natalee Holloway and Osama bin Laden announced this ...

WASHINGTON—President Obama delivered a 10-minute-long inaudible and untelevised speech on gun control Thursday, addressing the politically volatile topic from behind the closed doors of ...

Following his State of the Union address, President Barack Obama has turned his attention to job creation.

Aries: You'll finally discover what you were born to do when you turn out to be the only person at Gorilla Taco who fits ...

Hit the deck and find a big piece of tin to hide under, because the SportsDome's buzzing your house with the biggest Super Bowl ...

Countless Goodell clones are already milling around the Dallas area, providing a stark visual reminder of the commissioner's presence in an attempt to keep ...

The Minnesota Timberwolves lost the Kwame Brown Lottery, meaning they will be forced to sign Kwame to a contract this offseason, despite his horrible play ...

The Super Bowl is inevitably two weeks of intense hype before a sloppy, disappointing flameout filled with muffed kick returns, dropped passes and delay of ...

John Daly's new book "Educated Guess" sheds light on the champion golfer's career, including the revelations that he must re-teach himself how to ...

The halftime show at the Super Bowl is something they always talk about. They used to have good shows, but then they stopped having good ...

Today photos surfaced showing Mississippi Congressman Ronald North--a staunch anti-gay marriage activist who argued that allowing a man to marry another man would lead to ...

This week Apple rolls out its newest must-have gadget, the iHand. Millions of devoted Apple fans have already pre-ordered the sleek device, cutting off their ...

The Pentagon has released a map detailing their plan to help Iran in the wake of today's trainwreck.

The Supreme Court recently ruled that the First Amendment no longer applied to idiotic blowhard, Tom Becker.

I was going to root for Ben Roethlisberger in the Super Bowl because in him I saw a man who I shared a common experience ...

Surprised? I'm not. This is basically what I've been saying all along: that the Packers would use an opportunistic defense and a stalwart ...

With Super Bowl XLV upon us, Onion Sports has assembled this guide to each team's top players, coaches, and fans to help you answer ...

STRENGTHS: Defensive ends and blitzing linebackers have trouble getting a grasp on his misshapen head; remarkable ability to avoid tacklers, prosecution; because his offensive line ...

STRENGTHS: One of the most agreeable assholes in the game; block on Keith Rivers received harsh critical reviews but grossed $12.5 million worldwide; great ...

STRENGTHS: Has given NFL $3 million in fine money prior to game so he can feel free to tackle helmet-first anytime he wants, which shows ...

STRENGTHS: So good, only needs to play 75 percent of season to be named Defensive Player of the Year; eight-year veteran at strong safety, but ...

STRENGTHS: Summoned the hypocrisy necessary to trade Santonio Holmes for pot infraction but keep Ben Roethlisberger; can manage and motivate an entire 40-man roster of ...

STRENGTHS: Somehow pull off rooting for a team that always wins without coming off like Patriots fans; good at waving things, spinning things; best fans ...

STRENGTHS: Sees the field almost too well, so is sometimes distracted by unevenly cut grass or poorly painted on-field lines; best time-out calling mechanics in ...

STRENGTHS: Best player in league at smiling after the catch; phenomenal jumper, but also remarkable at standing perfectly still; great route runner in the way ...

STRENGTHS: Won the Heisman Trophy, which, come to think of it, has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on this game; unique ability to line-up anywhere on ...

STRENGTHS: Able to tackle all players, even those who don't desire to be tackled; thick shag carpet matches the long drapes; dislikes not hitting ...

STRENGTHS: Never-ending source of thrilling sound bites such as "We'll address that after the Super Bowl," "That's a nonissue for us," and "We ...

STRENGTHS: Whatever muscles one uses to lift 340 pounds of lard out of bed each morning; unwilling to let work, family, religion, or even basic ...

SILVER SPRING, MD—Puppy Bowl VII, puppy football's biggest annual event, came to a complete standstill Sunday when Alvin, a 3-month-old schnauzer mix, suffered ...

ARLINGTON, TX—Over the past two weeks, sources close to the NFL have confirmed Steelers, Packers.

ARLINGTON, TX—After spending several hours exploring the facilities, Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers players reportedly discovered a ton of insanely fucked-up shit in ...

ARLINGTON, TX—Despite the overwhelming media hype, countless interviews with players and coaches, and considerable speculation about the big game since the conference champions earned ...

ARLINGTON, TX—Bypassing the traditional route of winning in the playoffs, the 8-8 Jacksonville Jaguars stunned the NFL Monday by exploiting a little-known loophole to ...

ARLINGTON, TX—Security officials admitted Monday that 25-year-old Michael Thillens, a normal Packers fan with no connection to any corporate sponsor or multimillion-dollar Dallas business ...

MIAMI—Visiting Clippers forward Blake Griffin stunned spectators and opponents alike Sunday with a death-defying dunk executed by releasing the ball a full 20 feet ...

They are two of the league's premier franchises and have given football some of its most memorable moments. We look at some of the ...

The Pentagon has released a map detailing their plan to help Iran in the wake of today's trainwreck. Back to the Onion News Network ...

The drug-store chain Walgreens has introduced Big Flats 1901, a budget beer that prices in at $2.99 a six-pack, in 4,600 of its ...

Computer-chip manufacturer Intel named Black Eyed Peas bandleader Will.i.am its director of creative innovation, signing him to a multiyear contract.

On Monday, computer-chip manufacturer Intel announced that its new Cougar Point chip had a flaw, and that rectifying the situation would cost the company $1 ...

The Super Bowl is "one of the biggest human-trafficking events in the United States," according to Texas attorney general Greg Abbott, and police have vowed ...

According to an announcement on their website, the White Stripes have broken up "to preserve what is beautiful and special about the band." What do ...

Congressman Ronald North, who said gay marriages would lead to man-horse unions, is caught in a relationship with a mare.  Full coverage tonight at 10 ...

Ben Roethlisberger is on the cusp of being a good human being, needing only one win in the Super Bowl to wipe out two accusations ...

With the Super Bowl delayed to give Doritos time to finish their commercial, what do you hope to see in the big Doritos spot?

Joad Cressbeckler's brother Clayton has announced his intention to run as a third-party presidential candidate in 2012.

As speculation that the president is actually the cunning West African spider trickster god Anansi continues to mount, Obama's critics are demanding that a ...

Considering our national repairman Ron charges 50 million dollars an hour, should should the U.S. government have attempted to just fix the nation's ...

With a growing number of doctors saying that marijuana can relieve the pain and suffering of those suffering from debilitating illnesses like stomach cancer and ...

Since the U.S. sent 45,000 troops into Iran to help clean up a minor train accident yesterday, the nation has been rocked by ...

More than 20,000 Chinese citizens were posthumously tried and charged with "subversion of state power by engaging in illegal seismic activity" for their role ...