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Future U.S. History Students: 'It's Pretty Embarrassing How Long You Guys Took To Legalize Gay Marriage'

• U.S. Authorities Can't Really Fault Al-Qaeda For Deadly Bombing Of Carnival Cruise Ship

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.09.11 | News

  DHS officials said the understandable act of terrorism occurred at 1:24 p.m., just as cruise director Harold Granger was attempting to get everyone off their pool chairs to dance the Macarena. more»

  

• Interim Apple Chief Under Fire After Unveiling Grotesque New MacBook

  ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•06 | 02.10.11 | News

  CUPERTINO, CA—In his first major product release since stepping in for an ailing Steve Jobs last month, interim Apple CEO Tim Cook faced a storm of harsh criticism Monday after unveiling a grotesque new version of the company's popular MacBook that many in attendance described as "disgusting." more»

  

• Vending Machine Attendant Admits B3 Selection Has Changed A Lot Over The Years

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.12.11 | News

  STAMFORD, CT—On his weekly trip to restock the vending machine at the Stamford Office Park cafeteria Friday, 56-year-old attendant Bob Ingersoll reminisced about how much the B3 slot selection has changed in the 20 years since he began servicing the popular snack dispenser. more»

  

• It Doesn't Look That Cold Out, Reports Man Who Doesn't Have Thermo-Sensing Eyes

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.07.11 | News in Brief

  BUFFALO, NY—According to 33-year-old Sam Paik, whose ocular capacity does not include the ability to visualize the heat spectrum, it doesn't look cold outside. more»

• Parents Really Enjoying Cruise

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.08.11 | News in Brief

  HAMTRAMCK, MI—According to a phone call made to their daughter Monday afternoon, Glen and Margery Bennings, 62, are really enjoying their Carnival Cruise thus far. more»

• Library Of Congress Adds 3 Titles To List Of Films That Should Be Destroyed Forever

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.09.11 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—The Library of Congress announced this year's selections for the National Film Incineration Project on Tuesday, naming three titles it had chosen to permanently eradicate for the sake of future generations. more»

• Egyptian Populace To Hopefully Get Something Better Than Democracy Out Of All This

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.09.11 | News in Brief

  CAIRO—After more than a week of political protests, bloodshed, and cultural upheaval in Egypt, analysts are holding out hope that the Egyptian people will get something more out of the whole ordeal than just democracy. more»

• Journey Of Self-Discovery Leads Man To Realization He Doesn't Care

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.10.11 | News in Brief

  FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Three months after setting off down a long spiritual path to find himself, 38-year-old Corey Larson arrived at the conclusion Tuesday that he does not care. more»

• Senator Honored For Work With Overprivileged Americans

  ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | News in Brief

  HOUSTON—Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX), long a champion of the country's most advantaged Americans, was honored for his 20 years of work with the overprivileged Sunday. more»

• A Troubled Sheen

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.09.11 | Infographic

  After an all-night drug and sex party resulted in a trip to the emergency room, troubled actor Charlie Sheen announced that he would undergo rehab at home so he could continue shooting Two And A Half Men. more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 8, 2011

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.08.11 | Horoscope

  Aries: Your plan to put on a spectacular song-and-dance show to raise desperately needed cash will somehow fail to save your foundering musical. more»

• What Are We Toasting?

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.09.11 | Statshot

  

• Ex-Girlfriend Flashback Leaves Man Paralyzed In Produce Aisle

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.07.11 | Radio News

• U.S. Takes Out Debt-Consolidation Loan

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.08.11 | Radio News

• CNN Introduces New Anchor-Bot

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.09.11 | Radio News

• Family Dog Barking At Evil

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.10.11 | Radio News

• Police On Lookout For Poorly Drawn Man

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Radio News

• Tissue Feeling A Certain Responsibility To Lift Tissue Behind It Halfway Out Of Box

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.08.11 | News in Photos

  

• Loss Of Cat Child's First Real Experience With Death, Killing

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.12.11 | News in Photos

  

• What's This Nonsense About Being Able To Laugh At One's Self?

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.08.11 | Commentary

  I am not a humorless man. I've laughed heartily at skits constructed around the most ridiculous scenarios, and I myself am known for the occasional well-placed quip. more»

• 10 Parking Spots That Are Open Right Now If You Hurry

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Sunday Magazine

  

• February 7, 2011

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.07.11 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Listings for other local Pennington cable-access programming

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.05.11 | Blog

  We devote 20 hours of airtime to locally produced programming every week. If you have an idea for a show of your own, please contact the WONN5 programming director, Blake Randall. (Please do not call during the noon or evening news broadcast.) more»

• Connor's Corner

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.08.11 | Blog

  Here's a little tip for WONN-5 viewers. Did you know you can find up-to-date WONN-5 programming schedules online? more»

• Having My Own Cologne Company Taught Me A Lot About Business And Fragrance

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.08.11 | Blog

  You may have heard me talk on SportsDome about my DIY Cologne Kits. Marky was supposed to drop it in conversation when he talked to the people writing the Maxim article, but he didn't. more»

  

• Listen To The First Jock Jam, 'Inside The Bowels Of The Great Steam-Ship'

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.08.11 | Blog

  It was in 1902 that an obscure composer named Alexander Oriana forever changed the sporting landscape by introducing the first Jock Jam at Sportsman's Park in St. more»

  

• Shepardus Maxim-us: My First Maxim Interview

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.08.11 | Blog

  That's right folks: Mark Shepard has graduated from long-time Maxim skimmer to first-time Maxim interviewee! more»

  

• How The Orioles Decided To Become Half Baseball Team, Half Industrial Slaughterhouse

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.08.11 | Blog

  After years of declining attendance and an even worse overall record, the Orioles made the bold decision to limit their baseball-playing operations and embark on a grand experiment: converting to a large-scale abattoir. more»

  

• The Hard-Luck NHL's Stunning History Of Tragedy

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.08.11 | Blog

  The NHL suffered a major blow this week as the Chicago Blackhawks' team U-Haul crashed on the highway, spilling all its players onto the hard asphalt, killing six. more»

  

• NHL Responds To Blackhawks' Team U-Haul Overturning

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.08.11 | Blog

  The tragic accident involving the Chicago Blackhawks' overstuffed team U-Haul overturning on the highway has sent ripples throughout the league, as teams and players hear about the accident through the mail or using their league-issued pre-paid phone card... more»

  

• How Will Each Of Shaq's Body Parts Help The Mavs?

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.08.11 | Blog

  Big deal going down earlier today as the Dallas Mavericks acquired Shaquille O'Neal from the Boston Celtics so that they could tear him apart and divide his body parts among their healthy, young, effective players. more»

  

• Valentine's Day Stoning Runners-Up

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.09.11 | Blog

  The Onion News Network salutes the runners up to this year's Valentine's Day stoning. Don't worry, couples, there's always next year! James Tracy and Claire Gomez - Sarasota, Florida James and Claire were nominated this year after a video surfaced... more»

  

• Tillis' Acceptance Speech

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Blog

  This week, the Onion News Network looks back at the political career of Dave Tillis, the nation's first openly drunk senator. more»

  

• "Zorla Mania" Sweeping America

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Blog

  In Tularosa, New Mexico last week stay-at-home-mom Zorla Gorgalon gave birth to 352 children and almost overnight went from being what she described as "just a normal human woman" to the center of a media frenzy. more»

  

• School Board Acts To Remove Emotionally Disturbed Students

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Blog

  After a shooting at their high school, a school board in Granton, KS has enacted a new proactive plan for removing emotionally disturbed students from the school before tragedy can strike. more»

  

• As A Matter Of Fact: What's A Parent To Do?

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Blog

  As a mother, the recent trend of teens enriching uranium for the purpose of creating nuclear weapons concerns me deeply. more»

• The Tuckscreen: A Time For Remembrance

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Blog

  This week, as we reflect on the first five incredible years of FactZone I find myself thinking back to my introduction to the news program that would come to define my life. I was going through an admittedly dark time then. I was living alone in a ... more»

• Grace North Answers Your Questions

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Blog

  Grace North, wife of Congressman Ronald North guest blogs today, answering your questions about how to move on in the face of personal adversity. Grace, you've been such an inspiration. Three years ago, my husband left me for a much younger woman. I know ... more»

  

• Warning Signs Your Teen May Be Enriching Uranium

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Blog

  This week, the Onion News Network investigates a dangerous new trend sweeping across high school campuses nationwide: "Isotoping." If you are a parent, look for these warning signs your teen has been enriching uranium: Changes In Frie... more»

  

• FactZone's Five Most-Memorable Interviews

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Blog

  On the fifth anniversary of FactZone, we look back at our favorite interviews: 5. Jim Davis: In 2006, Garfield creator Jim Davis stopped by the FactZone studio to promote the movie Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties. Co-host Tucker Ho... more»

  

• Portrait Of A Hero

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.12.11 | Blog

  Yesterday America was introduced to Trevor Wilson, the brave young man from Granton, Kansas who heroically gunned down a potential school shooter before the shooter could even obtain a gun. more»

  

• The Daily Bump: America Has Gorgalon Fever

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.13.11 | Blog

  It seems like you can't pick up a magazine this week without seeing Zorla Gorgalon and her 352 precious newborns. more»

• FactZone's Five Most Touching Moments

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.14.11 | Blog

  On FactZone's fifth anniversary, we look back at a few of the shows most touching moments: 5. Miracle On The Hudson: While reporting on the incredible landing of a U.S. Airways passenger plane on the Hudson river in January 2009, r... more»

  

• FactZone's Five Most Popular Stories

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.16.11 | Blog

  On this, the week of FactZone's fifth birthday, we look back on some of our most popular stories to date: 5. Baby Goat Befriends Roomba: This cute story from 2007 about an Iowa family's pet goat who took to following around a Roomba robotic vacuum... more»

  

• Kids In 'Scared-Straight' Program Visit Horrifying Cleveland Cavaliers Practice

  ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Sports News

  CLEVELAND—As part of an effort to help at-risk youths turn their lives around before it's too late, organizers of a local "scared-straight" program exposed a group of at-risk teens to the horrors of a Cleveland Cavaliers practice Wednesday... more»

  

• Andy Pettitte Retires To Inject HGH Without Being Harassed About It

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Sixteen-year veteran and five-time world champion Andy Pettitte announced his retirement from professional baseball last Friday, telling reporters he was mostly leaving the game so he could inject human growth hormone to his heart's content... more»

  

• Aaron Rodgers To Spend Offseason Being Compared To Things

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.12.11 | Sports News in Brief

  GREEN BAY, WI—NFL experts said Friday that Aaron Rodgers, who since winning the Super Bowl has been likened to his predecessor Brett Favre and 49ers great Steve Young, will spend the rest of the offseason being compared to everything from other foot... more»

  

• 'And Now For A Thrilling Tennis Season,' Nobody In Nation Says

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.14.11 | Sports News in Brief

  NOWHERE—With Super Bowl XLV concluding the 2010 football season and with several months to go before the 2011 baseball season, absolutely nobody in the country confirmed Sunday that they were looking forward to watching tennis. more»

  

• Dunk Contest No Longer A Big Deal Now That 85 Percent Of Populace Can Dunk

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.15.11 | Sports News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—The NBA's annual Slam Dunk Contest, which rose to prominence with the high-flying talents of players like Michael Jordan, Dominique Wilkins, and Spud Webb, has failed to garner much interest this year due to the fact that an overwhelming... more»

  

• LeBron James: 'Not To Rub It In, But Do You Sort Of See Why I Left The Cavaliers Now?'

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.16.11 | Sports News in Brief

  MIAMI—Following the Cleveland Cavaliers' Wednesday night loss to the fourth-place Detroit Pistons, LeBron James attempted to point out as gently as possible why leaving the 8-45 basketball team was probably the best decision he could have made. more»

  

• Problems With The NFL's Collective Bargaining Agreement

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Sportsgraphic

  The NFL is facing a possible lockout and the loss of next season if owners and the players' union can't work through these sticking points during negotiations. more»

  

• Aaron Rodgers

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Strongside/Weakside

  Aaron Rodgers was named MVP of Super Bowl XLV after throwing for three TDs and more than 300 yards against an excellent Steelers defense. Is he any good? more»

  

• Aaron Rodgers Celebrates Super Bowl Win With Drew Brees' Son

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Photo Finish

  

• Is The Internet Full?

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.07.11 | American Voices

  Last week, the organization that assigns IP addresses—unique numbers that identify the "location" of every device connected to the Internet—handed out its last available digits. more»

• Commemorating Reagan's 100th

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.08.11 | American Voices

  Sunday marked the 100th birthday of the late President Ronald Wilson Reagan. How did you remember him? more»

• AOL To Acquire Huffington Post

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.09.11 | American Voices

  Internet company AOL announced it would purchase media aggregator site The Huffington Post for $315 million. more»

• Study: Popular Children Meaner

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.10.11 | American Voices

  A paper published in the American Sociological Review found that the more teens struggled to be popular in their schools, the more aggressive they were. more»

• Assange's Police Documents Leaked

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | American Voices

  Swedish police reports documenting charges against Julian Assange for the rape of two women were leaked online. more»

• On Arguably The Worst Halftime Show Ever

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Fan On The Street

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.07.11 | Slideshow

• If You Guys Ever Need Help With Anything

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.09.11 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, There isn't much I don't know at least something about so if you guys ever need help with anything feel free to get in touch. Laura Fish, Chicago more»

• Deer Heads In My Trophy Room

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.12.11 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, Just wanted to let you know that most of the deer heads in my trophy room are stuffed with your fine newspaper. Eldridge Calhoun, Greensboro, NC more»

• Perfectly Good Tire Just Sitting There Behind The Kroger

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.01.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

  The local Onion affiliate in Pennington, IL reports the tire is basically new and there for the taking. more»

  

• Apple Fans Chopping Off Hands In Anticipation Of New iHand

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.07.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

  First adopters are already cutting off their limbs at the wrists in preparation for the release of the latest must-have Apple gadget, the sleek new iHand. Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC. more»

  

• Annual Valentine's Day Stoning Of Happy Couple Held

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.08.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

  Today Now's Jim Haggerty attends the annual Valentine's Day stoning, which brings comfort and joy to singles everywhere. more»

  

• Nation Elects First Openly Drunk Senator

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.10.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

  Dave Tillis' extremely affectionate, crowd-rousing manner has won him many political supporters. Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC. more»

  

• Highlights: Man Defeated By Life

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.09.11 | SportsDome

  Life ran its winning streak to 345 million by beating salesman Dave Anderson, who after 54 years of drudgery, barely bothers getting out of bed anymore. more»

  

• Olympic Officials Unveil Terrifying New Mascots For 2014 Games In Russia

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.09.11 | SportsDome

  Olympic officials introduce Makhtar and Yorgov, who will haunt the dreams of children from now until the 2014 Sochi games. more»

  

• Breaking: U-Haul Carrying Chicago Blackhawks Overturns On Highway

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.09.11 | SportsDome

  Police say the U-Haul was dangerously overloaded with an entire NHL team, equipment, produce, and the team’s front office, which operates out of the truck when parked more»

  

• College Basketball Star Heroically Overcomes Tragic Rape He Committed

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.09.11 | SportsDome

  Colorado star Jacob Ross faced the biggest obstacle of his life when he committed a shocking and sudden rape. But he found the strength to return to his game like nothing had happened. more»

  

• Kevin Durant Doomed To Walk The Earth In Unending Misery, Say Sports Analysts

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.09.11 | SportsDome

  Athletes who perform poorly are bound to the 'Tree of Woe,' where they suffer ceaseless torment for all eternity. more»

  

• Shaquille O'Neal Traded To Mavericks, Stripped For Spare Parts

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.09.11 | SportsDome

  Shaq may not be the dominant force he once was, but there are still some good organs and ligaments sloshing around in that big body. more»

  

• Update: Blackhawks Forced To Abandon Wounded By Side Of Road

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.10.11 | SportsDome

  Police say two players were forced to ride in the wheel well after the team agreed to transport a large crate of irregular jeans in exchange for 50 dollars. more»

  

• NHL Official Gives Statement On Blackhawks Tragedy From Underneath Bridge Where He Lives

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.10.11 | SportsDome

  In the wake of the Blackhawks crash, the NHL is encouraging its players to hitchhike or walk to games. more»

  

• Which pieces of Shaq do you expect to play the biggest role in the Mavs' playoff push?

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.08.11 | Poll

• Does Al Qaeda's use of cross dissolves and wipes signal the terrorist group is gaining strength?

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Poll

  Recent reports show Al Qaeda has begun to edit their terrorist videos, using transitions to trim down long-winded screeds and remove the moment at the beginning of videos where the jihadist turns on the camera and then sits down in front of it. more»

• Are you concerned about your rights to due process and the equal protection of the law?

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Poll

  Now that the Constitution has expired and it no longer limits the states' abilities to abridge citizens' privileges or immunities are you concerned about your rights to due process and the equal protection of the law? more»

• Should someone try to talk to the woman who is crying on a train platform in San Francisco?

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Poll

  A woman is sobbing loudly on a train platform in San Francisco. Should someone go see if she needs some help or something? more»

• How has 'FactZone' improved over their five years on the air?

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Poll

  After five years of FactZone, does it seem like the show has increased the amount of truth in its broadcasts or increased the amount of facts? more»

• Is toping the gateway drug to teens building hydrogen fusion bombs?

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Poll

  An alarming number of teens are experimenting with enriching uranium, an activity some say is just harmless fun. more»

• Who should write the next Constitution?

  ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Poll

  Now that the Constitution has expired, the nation is in need of a new one. Who should be tasked with writing it? more»

• freezing

  Thermometer broken, so we'll say...37