DHS officials said the understandable act of terrorism occurred at 1:24 p.m., just as cruise director Harold Granger was attempting to get everyone ...

CUPERTINO, CA—In his first major product release since stepping in for an ailing Steve Jobs last month, interim Apple CEO Tim Cook faced a ...

STAMFORD, CT—On his weekly trip to restock the vending machine at the Stamford Office Park cafeteria Friday, 56-year-old attendant Bob Ingersoll reminisced about how ...

BUFFALO, NY—According to 33-year-old Sam Paik, whose ocular capacity does not include the ability to visualize the heat spectrum, it doesn't look cold ...

HAMTRAMCK, MI—According to a phone call made to their daughter Monday afternoon, Glen and Margery Bennings, 62, are really enjoying their Carnival Cruise thus ...

WASHINGTON—The Library of Congress announced this year's selections for the National Film Incineration Project on Tuesday, naming three titles it had chosen to ...

CAIRO—After more than a week of political protests, bloodshed, and cultural upheaval in Egypt, analysts are holding out hope that the Egyptian people will ...

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Three months after setting off down a long spiritual path to find himself, 38-year-old Corey Larson arrived at the conclusion Tuesday that he ...

HOUSTON—Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX), long a champion of the country's most advantaged Americans, was honored for his 20 years of work with the ...

After an all-night drug and sex party resulted in a trip to the emergency room, troubled actor Charlie Sheen announced that he would undergo rehab ...

Aries: Your plan to put on a spectacular song-and-dance show to raise desperately needed cash will somehow fail to save your foundering musical.

We devote 20 hours of airtime to locally produced programming every week. If you have an idea for a show of your own, please contact ...

Here's a little tip for WONN-5 viewers. Did you know you can find up-to-date WONN-5 programming schedules online?

That's right folks: Mark Shepard has graduated from long-time Maxim skimmer to first-time Maxim interviewee!

You may have heard me talk on SportsDome about my DIY Cologne Kits. Marky was supposed to drop it in conversation when he talked to ...

It was in 1902 that an obscure composer named Alexander Oriana forever changed the sporting landscape by introducing the first Jock Jam at Sportsman's ...

The NHL suffered a major blow this week as the Chicago Blackhawks' team U-Haul crashed on the highway, spilling all its players onto the hard ...

After years of declining attendance and an even worse overall record, the Orioles made the bold decision to limit their baseball-playing operations and embark on ...

The tragic accident involving the Chicago Blackhawks' overstuffed team U-Haul overturning on the highway has sent ripples throughout the league, as teams and players hear ...

Big deal going down earlier today as the Dallas Mavericks acquired Shaquille O'Neal from the Boston Celtics so that they could tear him apart ...

The Onion News Network salutes the runners up to this year's Valentine's Day stoning. Don't worry, couples, there's always next year ...

This week, the Onion News Network looks back at the political career of Dave Tillis, the nation's first openly drunk senator.

In Tularosa, New Mexico last week stay-at-home-mom Zorla Gorgalon gave birth to 352 children and almost overnight went from being what she described as "just ...

After a shooting at their high school, a school board in Granton, KS has enacted a new proactive plan for removing emotionally disturbed students from ...

As a mother, the recent trend of teens enriching uranium for the purpose of creating nuclear weapons concerns me deeply.

This week, as we reflect on the first five incredible years of FactZone I find myself thinking back to my introduction to the news program ...

Grace North, wife of Congressman Ronald North guest blogs today, answering your questions about how to move on in the face of personal adversity. Grace ...

This week, the Onion News Network investigates a dangerous new trend sweeping across high school campuses nationwide: "Isotoping." If you are a parent, look for ...

On the fifth anniversary of FactZone, we look back at our favorite interviews: 5. Jim Davis: In 2006, Garfield creator Jim Davis stopped by the ...

Yesterday America was introduced to Trevor Wilson, the brave young man from Granton, Kansas who heroically gunned down a potential school shooter before the shooter ...

It seems like you can't pick up a magazine this week without seeing Zorla Gorgalon and her 352 precious newborns.

On FactZone's fifth anniversary, we look back at a few of the shows most touching moments: 5. Miracle On The Hudson: While reporting on ...

On this, the week of FactZone's fifth birthday, we look back on some of our most popular stories to date: 5. Baby Goat Befriends ...

CLEVELAND—As part of an effort to help at-risk youths turn their lives around before it's too late, organizers of a local "scared-straight" program ...

NEW YORK—Sixteen-year veteran and five-time world champion Andy Pettitte announced his retirement from professional baseball last Friday, telling reporters he was mostly leaving the ...

GREEN BAY, WI—NFL experts said Friday that Aaron Rodgers, who since winning the Super Bowl has been likened to his predecessor Brett Favre and ...

NOWHERE—With Super Bowl XLV concluding the 2010 football season and with several months to go before the 2011 baseball season, absolutely nobody in the ...

LOS ANGELES—The NBA's annual Slam Dunk Contest, which rose to prominence with the high-flying talents of players like Michael Jordan, Dominique Wilkins, and ...

MIAMI—Following the Cleveland Cavaliers' Wednesday night loss to the fourth-place Detroit Pistons, LeBron James attempted to point out as gently as possible why leaving ...

The NFL is facing a possible lockout and the loss of next season if owners and the players' union can't work through these sticking ...

Aaron Rodgers was named MVP of Super Bowl XLV after throwing for three TDs and more than 300 yards against an excellent Steelers defense. Is ...

Last week, the organization that assigns IP addresses—unique numbers that identify the "location" of every device connected to the Internet—handed out its last ...

Sunday marked the 100th birthday of the late President Ronald Wilson Reagan. How did you remember him?

Internet company AOL announced it would purchase media aggregator site The Huffington Post for $315 million.

A paper published in the American Sociological Review found that the more teens struggled to be popular in their schools, the more aggressive they were.

Swedish police reports documenting charges against Julian Assange for the rape of two women were leaked online.

Dear The Onion, There isn't much I don't know at least something about so if you guys ever need help with anything feel ...

Dear The Onion, Just wanted to let you know that most of the deer heads in my trophy room are stuffed with your fine newspaper ...

The local Onion affiliate in Pennington, IL reports the tire is basically new and there for the taking.

First adopters are already cutting off their limbs at the wrists in preparation for the release of the latest must-have Apple gadget, the sleek new ...

Today Now's Jim Haggerty attends the annual Valentine's Day stoning, which brings comfort and joy to singles everywhere.

Dave Tillis' extremely affectionate, crowd-rousing manner has won him many political supporters. Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC.

Colorado star Jacob Ross faced the biggest obstacle of his life when he committed a shocking and sudden rape. But he found the strength to ...

Recent reports show Al Qaeda has begun to edit their terrorist videos, using transitions to trim down long-winded screeds and remove the moment at the ...

Now that the Constitution has expired and it no longer limits the states' abilities to abridge citizens' privileges or immunities are you concerned about your ...

A woman is sobbing loudly on a train platform in San Francisco. Should someone go see if she needs some help or something?

After five years of FactZone, does it seem like the show has increased the amount of truth in its broadcasts or increased the amount of ...

An alarming number of teens are experimenting with enriching uranium, an activity some say is just harmless fun.

Now that the Constitution has expired, the nation is in need of a new one. Who should be tasked with writing it?