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Nation Somehow Shocked By Human Nature Again

• Perfect Soup Weather Coming

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.16.11 | News

  SILVER SPRING, MD—Meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Monday that Americans should begin preparing for perfect soup weather, which will hit many parts of the country as early as midweek. more»

  

• Anthropologists Trace Human Origins Back To One Large Goat

  ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•07 | 02.17.11 | News

  NEW YORK—An international team of anthropologists announced Monday it had traced the lineage of Homo sapiens back to a single large Pliocene-era goat. more»

  

• Area Dad Just Wants Computer With The Basics

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.19.11 | News

  EDISON, NJ—Wary of paying too much for a new computer loaded with unnecessary bells and whistles, area dad Paul Moyers, 52, announced Friday that he just wants a regular, no-frills PC with only the basics. more»

  

• Report: Antismoking Group Has Never Even Tried Cigarettes

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.14.11 | News in Brief

  WINSTON-SALEM, NC—A controversial report released Monday by the tobacco advocacy group Smoking Now blasted the antismoking group Truth.org for never even once taking a drag off a rich, flavorful brand-name cigarette before forming its negative opini... more»

• Police Find Adorable Little Skeleton

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.15.11 | News in Brief

  MIDLAND, MI—While exercising a search warrant at a Morgan Road residence Tuesday, officers from the Midland Police Department reported finding an "absolutely adorable" set of skeletonized human remains. more»

• 'New York Times' Moves All Content You Won't Give A Shit About Unless You Make At Least $200K A Year Into One Convenient Section

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.16.11 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—In an effort to highlight content of interest to the subscribers it values most, The New York Times announced Monday it would move all articles you could not possibly give a shit about unless you make more than $200,000 into one hand... more»

• Man Cruises By William H. Macy's Website To Check Out The Latest News

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.17.11 | News in Brief

  BAYONNE, NJ—Not wanting to miss out on the latest William H. Macy news, local resident Andy Dorman popped by the actor's official website Wednesday to check it out and update himself on everything Macy. more»

• Suspension Of Disbelief Goes Unrewarded

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | News in Brief

  SCHAUMBURG, IL—Summoned in an effort to enjoy a two-hour feature film, 33-year-old Geoffrey Spalding's willing suspension of disbelief reportedly went unrewarded Saturday. more»

• Are The Republican Battles Becoming Too Public?

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.16.11 | Infographic

  In the latest instance of discord within the Republican party, former senator Rick Santorum publicly rebuked GOP star Sarah Palin's decision not to attend the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, implying that she was more concerned with money than governing. Here is further evidence of a party in turmoil. more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 15, 2011

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.15.11 | Horoscope

  Aries: You try to be an accepting person, but you still don't see why some people can't be a nice, normal gender instead of women. more»

• What Are We Sneaking Into The Movies?

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.16.11 | Statshot

  

• Pope Wins Host-Eating Contest

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.14.11 | Radio News

• Magazine Announces Plans For Special 'Sex' Issue

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.15.11 | Radio News

• Sixth-Grader's Family Tree Fails To Hold Up To Scrutiny

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.16.11 | Radio News

• Husband Buys Car Based On Lowest Passenger-Side Impact Rating

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.17.11 | Radio News

• Lazy FDA Approves X-Ray Vision Pills

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Radio News

• Joe Walsh Wakes Up On Stage Mid-Solo Again

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.15.11 | News in Photos

  

• Big Wrench Cool

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.19.11 | News in Photos

  

• And To Think, No One Believed A Website That Puts People In Dangerous Physical And Sexual Situations Could Succeed

  ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•07 | 02.17.11 | Commentary

  I remember the '90s like they were yesterday. Websites such as Amazon and eBay were well on their way to transforming commerce as we know it, and even flash-in-the-pan startups were making their founders into overnight millionaires. But while the money piled up for other people, I quietly nurtured a vision of my own: Craigslist, a revolutionary online classifieds site that allows people who wish to buy or sell goods and services online to be raped or murdered by total strangers. more»

• Playing The Waiting Game With Neil Young's Publicist

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Sunday Magazine

  

• February 14, 2011

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.14.11 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Onion News Network on IFC Recap -- Feb. 11, 2011

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.14.11 | Blog

  Every Friday on IFC at 10/9c, Onion News Network brings you News Without Mercy, hurling 80 facts per minute in a full-frontal news assault. more»

  

• Tonight In The Dome: Raiders Hire Their Next Three Coaches, The NBA Kidnapping Deadline And Vets Rush To Save A Dying Horse's Sperm

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.15.11 | Blog

  Sports news is breaking fast and breaking hard in the Onion SportsDome. Champion thoroughbred Rocky Top broke his leg running the Stapleton Derby, and vets have rushed to the horse's side in an attempt to masturbate him before he dies, so his valuable sp... more»

• All Rise For The OSN Anthem: "For The Love Of Sport Eternal"

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.15.11 | Blog

  All the great countries in the world have anthems. Since the Onion Sports Network is greater than all the countries in the world, it is only fitting that we should have our own anthem more glorious and majestic than any other anthem out there. We are plea... more»

  

• Fifth Grader Fails To Avoid Embarrassment With Windbreaker Mixup

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.15.11 | Blog

  Ten-year-old Jeff Lilley put up a good fight, but was ultimately unable to keep the fact that he wasn't wearing a regular shirt underneath his windbreaker from his classmates. more»

  

• Eli Manning: The Grand Fool Of French Cinema

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.15.11 | Blog

  No quarterback's career has alternated more rapidly between stellar, stinking and stupid than New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning. more»

  

• Rocky Top's Owners Say Goodbye To Their Dead Horse's Semen

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.15.11 | Blog

  Tonight in the SportsDome, you saw the life of racehorse Rocky Top tragically cut short before his sperm could be sold to sire dozens more horses at premium prices. The loss of the horse's fertility touched no one more than his owners George and Marsha ... more»

  

• My Behavior Tuesday Night Has Forced Me To Confront The Fact That I Have A Problem With Energy Drinks

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.16.11 | Blog

  All of us who have the privilege of working in the Dome deal with the stress in different ways, some more destructive than others -- exercise, drugs, fast cars. more»

• New Constitution Of The United States Ratified

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.17.11 | Blog

  A new Constitution of the United States was ratified today, less than a week after the nation discovered the previous Constitution had expired. The new constitution, which will henceforth serve as our country's guiding document, was written in just under ... more»

  

• An Excerpt From 'Refusal To Play': An In Depth Look Into Obama's Distant Relationship With His Dog

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.17.11 | Blog

  An exclusive excerpt from investigative journalist B.T. Forbes' best-selling expose, "Refusal To Play," that examines President Obama's troubling and distant relationship with his dog, Bo. more»

  

• GOP Asks "Does Obama Love Bo?"

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.17.11 | Blog

  The GOP is contending Obama doesn't actually love his Portuguese Water Dog, Bo. Their claims include: Obama rarely calls Bo good boy or scritches his ears. The president admitted he "doesn't know" which day Bo gets his monthly heartworm preven... more»

  

• Courtroom Drawings Of Military Drone TR425

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Blog

  Drawings of the military drone plane TR425 as he appeared in court today. more»

  

• How To Talk To Your Teens About Cody

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Blog

  Health Authorities From Pennington, IL have released this list of tips for parents of children who may come in contact with handsome Pennington High student Cody. more»

  

• Ron Statsky's Services

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Blog

  This week the troubled Democratic party entered therapy with Political Party Counselor Ron Statsky. Below is a description of the services he offers as listed in his promotional material: Is your political party having problems? Do you feel like the sp... more»

• DHS Issues National Alert: Hold Breath Now

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Blog

  The Department of Homeland Security has issued an urgent message requesting all United States citizens hold their breath for the next two minutes. more»

• Openly Drunk Senator Tillis' Campaign Promises

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Blog

  Senator Dave Tillis rode a wave of popular support last November to become the first openly drunk senator in U.S. more»

  

• New Arkansas Border

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Blog

  This artist's rendering depicts how the Arkansas state border will be affected by passage of the 2011 Fairness Through Casinos Act. more»

  

• Healthy Living Tips For Shawnas

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Blog

  Having a healthy lifestyle isn't just about staying out of the sun (or out of a tanning bed). Here are some simple tips to help Shawnas participate in a healthier life. more»

  

• The Daily Bump: The Buzz On Howie Mandel's Oscars

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Blog

  So long, Anne and James! In a surprise move, funnyman Howie Mandel was tapped to be the new host the 83rd Academy Awards, according to sources inside Mandel's imagination. more»

• Military Releases Drone's Suicide Note

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Blog

  In a shocking turn of events, embattled military drone plane TR425 destroyed itself. Military officials released the following suicide note written by the airplane. more»

  

• Terrified Ray Allen Discovers Celtics Lab Containing Thousands Of Test-Tube 'Big Babies'

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Sports News

  BOSTON—Celtics shooting guard Ray Allen told reporters he made a terrifying discovery Wednesday, stumbling across a genetic research laboratory located deep beneath the TD Banknorth Garden and filled with thousands of test-tube "Big Baby" ... more»

  

• Contador Cleared Of Doping By International Cycling Federation's Doping-Clearing Board

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Sports News in Brief

  MADRID—The ICF's Doping-Clearing Board has investigated and cleared 2010 Tour de France winner Alberto Contador of all doping charges, allowing the three-time Tour champion to return to competition immediately, officials announced Monday. more»

  

• Tim Duncan Urges All-Stars To Use Inside Voice During Game

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.19.11 | Sports News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—Saying he understands how excited everyone can get during an All-Star game, Spurs center Tim Duncan made it clear Saturday that since the game is held inside the Staples Center, he expects members of both teams to put their outside voice... more»

  

• Even Michael Vick A Little Uneasy About How Easily People Have Forgiven Him

  ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•07 | 02.21.11 | Sports News in Brief

  HAMPTON, VIRGINIA—During a press conference Wednesday, Michael Vick admitted that he was both surprised and somewhat disturbed at how quickly and easily the NFL and its fans have forgiven him for running an illegal dogfighting ring. more»

  

• Shane Victorino's Parents Bracing For Annual Spring Training Drop-Off Tantrum

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.22.11 | Sports News in Brief

  WAILUKU, HI—Michael and Joycelyn Victorino told reporters Friday that they are preparing to deal with their tantrum-prone 30-year-old son, Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino, who they said will undoubtedly throw another hissy fit before being dragg... more»

  

• Trail Blazers Down To One Working Knee

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.23.11 | Sports News in Brief

  PORTLAND, OR—According to sources close to the injury-plagued Portland Trail Blazers, after a series of knee injuries to center Marcus Camby and All-Star guard Brandon Roy, the team is now officially down to one good knee. more»

  

• Remembering Earnhardt

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Sportsgraphic

  It's been 10 years since racing lost Dale Earnhardt, a man synonymous with NASCAR's rise to popularity in the 1990s. We look at his life and legacy. more»

  

• Jimmer Fredette

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Strongside/Weakside

  High-scoring Cougars guard Jimmer Fredette is the talk of college basketball as the season heads toward the championship tournament. Is he any good? more»

  

• Inspiring Cat Overcomes Prejudice To Win Westminster Dog Show

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Photo Finish

  

• Strokes On Rise In Young And Middle-Aged

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.14.11 | American Voices

  Since 1995, the number of strokes among Americans age 15 to 34 has risen 51 percent for men and 17 percent for women. more»

• Justice Thomas Marks 5 Years Of Court Silence

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.15.11 | American Voices

  Next week will mark the fifth anniversary of the last time Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke aloud while hearing a case. more»

• Clothing Prices Expected To Rise 10%

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.16.11 | American Voices

  Retail clothing prices, which have dropped over the past decade, may soon spike by 10 percent percent as the cost of cotton reaches record highs. more»

• Billy Ray Cyrus: 'Hannah Montana' Ruined Family

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.17.11 | American Voices

  In an interview with GQ, singer Billy Ray Cyrus said that his daughter Miley's show Hannah Montana ruined their relationship. more»

• Chicago Population Falling

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | American Voices

  Urban flight over the past 10 years has left Chicago with its lowest population since the 1920 census. more»

• On Ohio State Losing Its Second No. 1 Ranking To Wisconsin

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Fan On The Street

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.15.11 | Slideshow

  

• Report Finds Troubling Rise In Teen Uranium Enrichment

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.14.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

  Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts to find out how many teens are illegally enriching uranium and selling it to rogue states. more»

  

• Breaking News: Woman Crying On Train Platform

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.16.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

  Reporter Don Abrams speculates whether the woman got in a fight with her boyfriend or if maybe she just lost her job. more»

  

• Knicks Abduct Tony Parker Just Before NBA Kidnapping Deadline

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.14.11 | SportsDome

  Sneak Peek at the next Onion SportsDome: The Knicks made the biggest move amidst a flurry of kidnappings that sent a dozen players to new teams against their will. Tuesdays, 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central. more»

  

• Breaking: Vets Rush To Masturbate Dying Racehorse To Save Its Valuable Sperm

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.15.11 | SportsDome

  A tragic accident during the Stapleton Derby leaves spectators praying that vets can save some of the prized thoroughbred's semen before it expires. more»

  

• Fifth Grader Tries To Get Through Day Without Anyone Noticing He's Only Wearing Windbreaker

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.16.11 | SportsDome

  Ten-year-old Jeff Lilly looking to hold off a potentially life-altering trauma after showing up to school with no regular shirt underneath his windbreaker. more»

  

• OSN Gets An Anthem Befitting Of Its Domination Over Sports

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.16.11 | SportsDome

  To celebrate the Onion Sports Network's domination over all things sports, OSN is getting a new anthem to be sung at the top and bottom of every hour on SportsDome. more»

  

• Cubs Hope To Get Disappointing Soriano In Shape By Swimming With Sharks, Skydiving Without A Parachute

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.16.11 | SportsDome

  Since the Cubs can't find a taker for Soriano's expensive contract, they're working him hard this offseason, with a workout plan of bullet dodging and a diet of broken glass and poison. more»

  

• Kathy Sledge Rings In A New Era Of Sport With The Debut Of OSN's Sporting Anthem

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.16.11 | SportsDome

  Sports will never be the same after the great Kathy Sledge debuts "For The Love Of Sport Eternal." more»

  

• Slather Sports On Your Wall With Corrin's Team Colors Sports Paint

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.16.11 | SportsDome

  If you're painting with anything but Corrin's Team Colors, you're not painting for real. more»

  

• Update: Vets Successfully Masturbate Dying Kentucky Derby Winner, Saving Millions In Horse Semen

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.16.11 | SportsDome

  OSN reporter David Marlette checks in with the lead veterinarian in charge of masturbating the injured Rocky Top. more»

  

• Breaking: Injured Horse Infertile, Useless

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.16.11 | SportsDome

  The worst fears of Rocky Top's owners are realized, when tests confirm that the injured horse is infertile, and therefore completely useless to them. more»

  

• Tall Black Man At The Gym Could Be The Next NBA Superstar

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.16.11 | SportsDome

  He's never set foot on the court, but everyone who sees him agrees that this tall, athletic-looking black man was made for the NBA. more»

  

• Nation Unsure If Slumped-Over Jack Nicklaus Is Dead Or Just Napping

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.23.11 | SportsDome

  The 71-year-old Nicklaus has not moved for nearly 45 minutes and it's unclear whether he's dozing peacefully or has passed away. more»

  

• Which offseason move will help the Raiders most in 2011?

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.15.11 | Poll

  Hiring three coaches is just one of the Raiders offseason shakeups. What move do you think will have the biggest impact in the 2011 season? more»

• Should Obama tell the American people how often he beats his dog?

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Poll

  Critics of the president are urging Obama to come clean about his real relationship with his dog. Should Obama tell the American people how often he beats Bo? more»

• Did Joe Biden go too far by calling Britney Spears a bad mother on 'The View?'

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Poll

  Joe Biden is already making waves on The View, this morning saying that Britney Spears should concentrate more on parenting and less on her career. more»

• Should border broadcasts inform immigrants they may be subjected to inhumane working conditions?

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Poll

  Based on the success of the new Miranda Rights program, speakers along the border will now warn illegal immigrants that they may be subjected to inhumane working conditions should they enter the United States. more»

• Which family should Neil Armstrong choose?

  ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Poll

  Now that Neil Armstrong's secret is out, should he stay with his lunar family or his terran family? more»