Issue 4707

Trail Blazers Down To One Working Knee

PORTLAND, OR—According to sources close to the injury-plagued Portland Trail Blazers, after a series of knee injuries to center Marcus Camby and All-Star guard Brandon Roy, the team is now officially down to one good knee.

Keep The Beat

FOX 8 p.m. EST / 7 p.m. CST Contestants compete to see who can keep a steady 3/4 drumbeat for 23 minutes.

Tim Duncan Urges All-Stars To Use Inside Voice During Game

LOS ANGELES—Saying he understands how excited everyone can get during an All-Star game, Spurs center Tim Duncan made it clear Saturday that since the game is held inside the Staples Center, he expects members of both teams to put their outside voice...

Area Dad Just Wants Computer With The Basics

EDISON, NJ—Wary of paying too much for a new computer loaded with unnecessary bells and whistles, area dad Paul Moyers, 52, announced Friday that he just wants a regular, no-frills PC with only the basics.

Military Releases Drone's Suicide Note

In a shocking turn of events, embattled military drone plane TR425 destroyed itself. Military officials released the following suicide note written by the airplane.

Healthy Living Tips For Shawnas

Having a healthy lifestyle isn't just about staying out of the sun (or out of a tanning bed). Here are some simple tips to help Shawnas participate in a healthier life.

New Arkansas Border

This artist's rendering depicts how the Arkansas state border will be affected by passage of the 2011 Fairness Through Casinos Act.

Ron Statsky's Services

This week the troubled Democratic party entered therapy with Political Party Counselor Ron Statsky. Below is a description of the services he offers as listed in his promotional material: Is your political party having problems? Do you feel like the sp...

How To Talk To Your Teens About Cody

Health Authorities From Pennington, IL have released this list of tips for parents of children who may come in contact with handsome Pennington High student Cody.

Suspension Of Disbelief Goes Unrewarded

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Summoned in an effort to enjoy a two-hour feature film, 33-year-old Geoffrey Spalding's willing suspension of disbelief reportedly went unrewarded Saturday.

Remembering Earnhardt

It's been 10 years since racing lost Dale Earnhardt, a man synonymous with NASCAR's rise to popularity in the 1990s. We look at his life and legacy.

Jimmer Fredette

High-scoring Cougars guard Jimmer Fredette is the talk of college basketball as the season heads toward the championship tournament. Is he any good?

Love Is...With Donnie Iris

OXYGEN 1 p.m. EST / 12 p.m. CST A wife plans a surprise 40th birthday party for her husband in Cleveland, an Orlando man never leaves the bedside of his terminally ill wife, and, as in every episode, singer Donnie Iris explains, in the best way he knows h...

GOP Asks "Does Obama Love Bo?"

The GOP is contending Obama doesn't actually love his Portuguese Water Dog, Bo. Their claims include: Obama rarely calls Bo good boy or scritches his ears. The president admitted he "doesn't know" which day Bo gets his monthly heartworm preven...

New Constitution Of The United States Ratified

A new Constitution of the United States was ratified today, less than a week after the nation discovered the previous Constitution had expired. The new constitution, which will henceforth serve as our country's guiding document, was written in just under ...

Are The Republican Battles Becoming Too Public?

In the latest instance of discord within the Republican party, former senator Rick Santorum publicly rebuked GOP star Sarah Palin's decision not to attend the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, implying that she was more concerned with money than governing. Here is further evidence of a party in turmoil.

Perfect Soup Weather Coming

SILVER SPRING, MD—Meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Monday that Americans should begin preparing for perfect soup weather, which will hit many parts of the country as early as midweek.

The Next Great P.A.

BRAVO 10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST Three recent film school grads compete for the chance to make a fish-taco run for Giovanni Ribisi.

Rocky Top's Owners Say Goodbye To Their Dead Horse's Semen

Tonight in the SportsDome, you saw the life of racehorse Rocky Top tragically cut short before his sperm could be sold to sire dozens more horses at premium prices. The loss of the horse's fertility touched no one more than his owners George and Marsha ...

All Rise For The OSN Anthem: "For The Love Of Sport Eternal"

All the great countries in the world have anthems. Since the Onion Sports Network is greater than all the countries in the world, it is only fitting that we should have our own anthem more glorious and majestic than any other anthem out there. We are plea...

Police Find Adorable Little Skeleton

MIDLAND, MI—While exercising a search warrant at a Morgan Road residence Tuesday, officers from the Midland Police Department reported finding an "absolutely adorable" set of skeletonized human remains.

The Talk

CBS 2 p.m. EST / 1 p.m. CST Joy Behar chats about Prince William's upcoming nuptials for 20 minutes before realizing she's on the wrong set.

Report: Antismoking Group Has Never Even Tried Cigarettes

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—A controversial report released Monday by the tobacco advocacy group Smoking Now blasted the antismoking group for never even once taking a drag off a rich, flavorful brand-name cigarette before forming its negative opini...

Nation Somehow Shocked By Human Nature Again

'How Could Someone Do Such A Thing?' Populace Wonders Of Event That Has Transpired Literally Millions Of Times

BRANDON, SD—As more details emerged of Friday's horrible but relatively commonplace manifestation of human nature in Brandon, SD, citizens nationwide somehow managed to enter a state of shock, apparently struggling to comprehend an act that, throughout history, has happened thousands upon thousands of times.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation Unsure If Slumped-Over Jack Nicklaus Is Dead Or Just Napping

The 71-year-old Nicklaus has not moved for nearly 45 minutes and it's unclear whether he's dozing peacefully or has passed away.

More from this section

New Arkansas Border

This artist's rendering depicts how the Arkansas state border will be affected by passage of the 2011 Fairness Through Casinos Act.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.