SILVER SPRING, MD—Meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Monday that Americans should begin preparing for perfect soup weather, which will hit many parts ...

NEW YORK—An international team of anthropologists announced Monday it had traced the lineage of Homo sapiens back to a single large Pliocene-era goat.

EDISON, NJ—Wary of paying too much for a new computer loaded with unnecessary bells and whistles, area dad Paul Moyers, 52, announced Friday that ...

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—A controversial report released Monday by the tobacco advocacy group Smoking Now blasted the antismoking group Truth.org for never even once taking ...

MIDLAND, MI—While exercising a search warrant at a Morgan Road residence Tuesday, officers from the Midland Police Department reported finding an "absolutely adorable" set ...

NEW YORK—In an effort to highlight content of interest to the subscribers it values most, The New York Times announced Monday it would move ...

BAYONNE, NJ—Not wanting to miss out on the latest William H. Macy news, local resident Andy Dorman popped by the actor's official website ...

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Summoned in an effort to enjoy a two-hour feature film, 33-year-old Geoffrey Spalding's willing suspension of disbelief reportedly went unrewarded Saturday.

In the latest instance of discord within the Republican party, former senator Rick Santorum publicly rebuked GOP star Sarah Palin's decision not to attend ...

Aries: You try to be an accepting person, but you still don't see why some people can't be a nice, normal gender instead ...

Every Friday on IFC at 10/9c, Onion News Network brings you News Without Mercy, hurling 80 facts per minute in a full-frontal news assault.

Sports news is breaking fast and breaking hard in the Onion SportsDome. Champion thoroughbred Rocky Top broke his leg running the Stapleton Derby, and vets ...

Ten-year-old Jeff Lilley put up a good fight, but was ultimately unable to keep the fact that he wasn't wearing a regular shirt underneath ...

All the great countries in the world have anthems. Since the Onion Sports Network is greater than all the countries in the world, it is ...

No quarterback's career has alternated more rapidly between stellar, stinking and stupid than New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning.

Tonight in the SportsDome, you saw the life of racehorse Rocky Top tragically cut short before his sperm could be sold to sire dozens more ...

All of us who have the privilege of working in the Dome deal with the stress in different ways, some more destructive than others -- exercise ...

A new Constitution of the United States was ratified today, less than a week after the nation discovered the previous Constitution had expired. The new ...

An exclusive excerpt from investigative journalist B.T. Forbes' best-selling expose, "Refusal To Play," that examines President Obama's troubling and distant relationship with his ...

The GOP is contending Obama doesn't actually love his Portuguese Water Dog, Bo. Their claims include: Obama rarely calls Bo good boy or scritches ...

Drawings of the military drone plane TR425 as he appeared in court today.

Health Authorities From Pennington, IL have released this list of tips for parents of children who may come in contact with handsome Pennington High student ...

This week the troubled Democratic party entered therapy with Political Party Counselor Ron Statsky. Below is a description of the services he offers as listed ...

The Department of Homeland Security has issued an urgent message requesting all United States citizens hold their breath for the next two minutes.

Senator Dave Tillis rode a wave of popular support last November to become the first openly drunk senator in U.S.

This artist's rendering depicts how the Arkansas state border will be affected by passage of the 2011 Fairness Through Casinos Act.

Having a healthy lifestyle isn't just about staying out of the sun (or out of a tanning bed). Here are some simple tips to ...

So long, Anne and James! In a surprise move, funnyman Howie Mandel was tapped to be the new host the 83rd Academy Awards, according to ...

In a shocking turn of events, embattled military drone plane TR425 destroyed itself. Military officials released the following suicide note written by the airplane.

BOSTON—Celtics shooting guard Ray Allen told reporters he made a terrifying discovery Wednesday, stumbling across a genetic research laboratory located deep beneath the TD ...

MADRID—The ICF's Doping-Clearing Board has investigated and cleared 2010 Tour de France winner Alberto Contador of all doping charges, allowing the three-time Tour ...

LOS ANGELES—Saying he understands how excited everyone can get during an All-Star game, Spurs center Tim Duncan made it clear Saturday that since the ...

HAMPTON, VIRGINIA—During a press conference Wednesday, Michael Vick admitted that he was both surprised and somewhat disturbed at how quickly and easily the NFL ...

WAILUKU, HI—Michael and Joycelyn Victorino told reporters Friday that they are preparing to deal with their tantrum-prone 30-year-old son, Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino, who ...

PORTLAND, OR—According to sources close to the injury-plagued Portland Trail Blazers, after a series of knee injuries to center Marcus Camby and All-Star guard ...

It's been 10 years since racing lost Dale Earnhardt, a man synonymous with NASCAR's rise to popularity in the 1990s. We look at ...

High-scoring Cougars guard Jimmer Fredette is the talk of college basketball as the season heads toward the championship tournament. Is he any good?

Since 1995, the number of strokes among Americans age 15 to 34 has risen 51 percent for men and 17 percent for women.

Next week will mark the fifth anniversary of the last time Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke aloud while hearing a case.

Retail clothing prices, which have dropped over the past decade, may soon spike by 10 percent percent as the cost of cotton reaches record highs.

In an interview with GQ, singer Billy Ray Cyrus said that his daughter Miley's show Hannah Montana ruined their relationship.

Urban flight over the past 10 years has left Chicago with its lowest population since the 1920 census.

Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts to find out how many teens are illegally enriching uranium and selling it to rogue states.

Reporter Don Abrams speculates whether the woman got in a fight with her boyfriend or if maybe she just lost her job.

Hiring three coaches is just one of the Raiders offseason shakeups. What move do you think will have the biggest impact in the 2011 season?

Critics of the president are urging Obama to come clean about his real relationship with his dog. Should Obama tell the American people how often ...

Joe Biden is already making waves on The View, this morning saying that Britney Spears should concentrate more on parenting and less on her career.

Based on the success of the new Miranda Rights program, speakers along the border will now warn illegal immigrants that they may be subjected to ...

Now that Neil Armstrong's secret is out, should he stay with his lunar family or his terran family?