The Week In Review

Top Headlines

Issue 4708

CynGen Press Release

CynGen released this statement in response to public outcry over a screaming cob of genetically modified corn.

U-Say Responses To Tillis' Resignation

Our inbox has been flooded with emails of support for Tillis following his decision to step down. "God bless you,Tillis. Best of luck in all your drinking." --Jacob E., Franklin, KY "My friends and I will pour a bottle of gin on the sidew...

Upcoming SIURT Reports

Don't miss these upcoming reports by the Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team: We all assume there are precautions in place to prevent restaurant employees from masturbating into our food, but is this actually the case? SIURT ...

Genetically-Modified Food Activity Around The Nation

Produce-related anomalies seem to be on the rise in America. Some examples of unusual activity by genetically modified crops reported in the past 12 months: Large pumpkin dry heaves in fear as two young children attempt to take it home for Halloween (Pie...

Trevor Bayne

By taking the Daytona 500 checkered flag at 20 years old, Trevor Bayne became the youngest-ever winner of NASCAR's most prestigious race. Is he any good?

Notable Trade Deadline Deals

Carmelo Anthony just became a New York Knick mere days before the NBA trade deadline, an event that joins these other blockbuster under-the-wire deals.

Who's Ready For Some Oscars!

Item! Well, it's that time of year again! Once again, Americans will unplug their phones, plop down in front of their TVs, and watch the greatest human drama on Earth unfold live in front of them!

Jack Nicklaus: Portrait Of A Still-Living Golf Legend

(The OSN copywriters did a great job putting together a terrific memorial post when it looked like the sporting world had lost Jack Nicklaus, it would be a shame not to use it.) Today, officials confirmed that Jack Nicklaus, PGA legend and all-time leader...

States Turning Down Federal Money

Last week, the State of Wisconsin turned down $23 million in federal funding for rural broadband, and Florida turned down $2 billion for a high-speed rail line between Tampa and Orlando.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage