The Week In Review

In This Section

Issue 4708

CynGen Press Release

CynGen released this statement in response to public outcry over a screaming cob of genetically modified corn.

U-Say Responses To Tillis' Resignation

Our inbox has been flooded with emails of support for Tillis following his decision to step down. "God bless you,Tillis. Best of luck in all your drinking." --Jacob E., Franklin, KY "My friends and I will pour a bottle of gin on the sidew...

Upcoming SIURT Reports

Don't miss these upcoming reports by the Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team: We all assume there are precautions in place to prevent restaurant employees from masturbating into our food, but is this actually the case? SIURT ...

Genetically-Modified Food Activity Around The Nation

Produce-related anomalies seem to be on the rise in America. Some examples of unusual activity by genetically modified crops reported in the past 12 months: Large pumpkin dry heaves in fear as two young children attempt to take it home for Halloween (Pie...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Partying

The Week In Review

Embarrassed Republicans Admit They've Been Thinking Of Eisenhower Whole Time They've Been Praising Reagan
Read Full Article
Variety Of Unsustainable Business Models Make Up Extremely Hip Neighborhood
Read Full Article
Al Qaeda Attacks Internet With Photo Of Adorable Piglet
Read Full Article
NASA Completes 52-Year Mission To Find, Kill God
Read Full Article
Calgary Flames Trying To Keep Fact That They're A Hockey Team From Landlord
Read Full Article
Study: 87 Percent Of Movies Would Be Better With Michael Keaton In Them
Read Full Article
Birthday Card For David Axelrod Circling Around Afghan War Meeting
Read Full Article
Open-Minded Man Grimly Realizes How Much Life He's Wasted Listening To Bullshit
Read Full Article
Nation Unsure If Slumped-Over Jack Nicklaus Is Dead Or Just Napping
Read Full Article
We Take You Underneath The Academy Awards
Read Full Article
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More