WASHINGTON—Emphatic cheers of "We did it again!" and "USPS is the best!" rang out from the nation's post offices Tuesday as the United ...

WASHINGTON—Intelligence officials said Tuesday that al-Qaeda is recruiting a new generation of suicide bombers with assurances that martyrs will be rewarded in the afterlife ...

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of ...

LOS ANGELES—After being recognized for his outstanding work in the film The Fighter, actor Christian Bale was awarded a gold-plated statuette of a nude ...

DALLAS—Greyhound passengers accustomed to complimentary vomiting in the aisles will now be charged a $15 fee to do so, com≠pany representatives announced Monday.

VALLETTA, MALTA—State Department officials charged with evacuating nearly 200 Americans from Tripoli last week shepherded the U.S.

LOS ANGELES—After being cast in an episode of the sitcom How I Met Your Mother, 4-foot, 6-inch-tall actor Craig Holsapple was assured Monday that ...

NEW YORK—In an effort to provide viewers with an authentic, first-person account of conditions on the ground in Libya, CNN news anchor Kyra Phillips ...

WASHINGTON—A report released Tuesday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed that crane operator is the last career in the United States ...

CUPERTINO, CA—According to its description on the Apple App Store website, Decomposhop, a new application that allows users to track the putrefaction of their ...

HAMPSTEAD, NH—In his 36 years of life, Gary Widmer's greatest contribution to humanity has been not causing any fatalities while behind the wheel ...

Last week, in one of its largest arrests in the past year, U.S. Border Patrol agents apprehended 128 individuals suspected of illegally entering the ...

Aries: Venus, the Herald of Love, passes into your sign this week, but it's so creepy in there that She only takes about six ...

Dear Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party, My next-door neighbor has something of an in-house menagerie ...

Spring training, the NCAA bubble, basketball and hockey's stretch run: the sports world is a whirling vortex and the SportsDome is the only spaceship ...

Grab your tissues and get ready to weep, because tonight the SportsDome returns with another chapter in the most inspiring sports-wish granting volume on television ...

Jim Calhoun was hit hard by sanctions this week after the NCAA found he committed recruiting violations by telling high school recruits he was nothing ...

Word has come down that the National Football League has launched a series of missiles into a Cambodian factory/elementary school thought to be fabricating ...

Police were called to a Miami-area nightclub late last night to respond to reports that Heat forward Chris Bosh was left alone in a hot ...

Former Major Leaguer Willie McGee is suing the producers of "Born Ugly: The Willie McGee Story," the new film loosely based on McGee's life ...

Last year we strapped the Toad down to the back of a flatbed truck and brought him all over America, and it went so well ...

Though most sports coverage focuses on the athletic and healthful, many of sports' most celebrated figures are old and decrepit.

Juniper, the mare implicated in an affair with Congressman Ronald North, has agreed to do a four-page spread in Stud Farm magazine. What do U ...

The Office of the Vice President released these photos of the new uniform designed for and by Joe Biden:

I'm getting a lot of compliments for making the cover of Teen People (posted below). I'm stumped as to what it is about ...

If you're single, there's never been a better time to look for someone special. Dating standards are at record lows, which means it ...

A document leaked to the internet earlier today, supposedly containing the results of Obama's first interview with FBI agents, contains numerous new details about ...

This blog entry is reprinted with permission from the Department of Health and Human Services. Studies show an individual with a BMI of more than ...

It has now been 48 hours since an explosion ripped through the massive GoldenMade corn syrup factory in Leon, Iowa and sent over a million ...

8:00 AM: The Gay Pride Planning Committee (Mayor Sue Hallinan, Nurse Jill, Megan, Ashley Pottsdale, and the Trapper Twins) invites you to the Kroger ...

Earlier today the LAPD made public these images of pages from Michael Bay's personal notebooks, which contain blueprints for Mr.

TAMPA, FL—During a post-workout press conference at the Yankees spring training facility Thursday, shortstop Derek Jeter once again rejected the idea of moving from ...

BRISTOL, CT—For the past six months, the columns and essays written by ESPN's Rick Reilly, including "Why Michael Vick Deserves Redemption More Than ...

PHILADELPHIA—Considering the teams share a division, come from major metropolitan areas in relative proximity to one another, and the fact that it would just ...

Calhoun has recently come under fire with the NCAA for being a decrepit old man who tricked students into attending UCONN because they felt bad ...

With his shock of white hair and hunched, birdlike walk, Manuel's decrepitude is further enhanced by his outdated theories about baseball.

McCarver broadcasts baseball for Fox weekly, despite his failing body and viewers' general sense that he doesn't know where he is at any given ...

This list could have been filled with boxers, present and past, who had their wits punched out and their joints turned to stone after decades ...

The longtime Purdue coach, now serving as a special assistant under Red Storm coach Steve Lavin, is notable for his roundness, lumpiness and the combover ...

Though he has shown few signs of physical deterioration, medical experts are unanimous that no man should weigh as much as Andy Reid does.

The legendary voice of the Dodgers has been broadcasting games since 1950, and he's seemed old since at least 1982.

Oden was the number one overall pick in the 2007 NBA Draft before missing his entire rookie season because his body is falling apart.

Last seen ripping up his wrist for the New York Yankees, Johnson has been unable to catch on with another MLB team, presumably because another ...

Entering the league at 7'6" with a clumsiness common to people his size, the Chinese icon looked decrepit even before his body started falling ...

SACRAMENTO, CA—Sacramento Kings center DeMarcus Cousins was frantic before the team's home game Monday, fearing that he might have locker room cancer.

BRISTOL, CT—Though they first pointed a camera at the NFL writer more than 15 years ago as a prank, producers at ESPN still cannot ...

FERNDALE, MI—After a storied three-month career as the starting running back, the third-string safety, and, when Billy's grandfather died, the punter for peewee ...

ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of ...

NEW YORK—As umpire Jim Joyce and pitcher Armando Galarraga completed the writing of their book, Nobody's Perfect, Monday afternoon, Joyce accidentally highlighted the ...

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others ...

The truly great athletes have always spent the time between seasons making sure they're in peak condition.

This gargantuan hippie has gone from John Wooden's great UCLA teams to the NBA to the commentary booth and has been a remarkable figure ...

Suggesting Nevada's legal brothels make it difficult to attract businesses, Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) urged state lawmakers to consider outlawing prostitution.

WaitingRoom, a new Facebook application, lets users in a relationship know when other people become interested in them romantically, revealing these secret admirers' identities only ...

Frank Buckles, the last living American World War I veteran, died on his West Virginia farm at 110. What do you think?

In a radio interview, former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee wrongly stated that President Obama grew up in Kenya with his Kenyan grandfather.

The Texas Legislature is considering a bill that would imprison anyone who knowingly hires an illegal alien, except in cases where the employee is a ...

In local news, a hero soldier from Pennington, IL is awarded for his service in Afghanistan barely ten years after he shit his pants in ...

In the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that a cob of bioengineered corn in Iowa begged to be killed.

Congress has deemed yelling and screaming as the nation's official mode of communication.

HEYAFUCKER WHYN'T YA SAYWHAT YA THINKA TH INCOMPREHENSBLESHOUTING BILL. YAJUST GONNA SITHERE SHIT?!?

Conair recently recalled their line of wand massagers after realizing it was being used inappropriately.

In order to cut budgets, some states are switching to a "one teacher per school" plan which will increase average class sizes to 1,000 ...

Dating standards have been lowered for the first time in decades, bringing millions of previously unacceptable mates onto the market.

The nation's dating standards were officially lowered today. Will it be enough to finally get your ugly friend Karen paired off with someone?

Critics are buzzing about Michael Bay's horrific attack on Los Angeles International Airport. How would you rate it?

Following the discovery that the real President Obama was kidnapped and replaced by a weak-willed impostor, many citizens are saying they would rather keep the ...

Is six minutes of crying now guaranteed to workers enough to quell the frustration of the average American feels or should there be an addendum ...

Amid discussion of Obama's replacement by an impostor, Joe Biden's impostor is also in the news. Which Biden would you rather sit down ...

This week Brooke Alvarez's new book "Alone In The Herd Of Fools," written during Brooke's recent six-day cruise to Mykonos, hits bookstores.