MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

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Issue 4709

Sources Say Atlanta Thrashers 27-28-11

ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11.

Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.

Which Obama do want in office?

Following the discovery that the real President Obama was kidnapped and replaced by a weak-willed impostor, many citizens are saying they would rather keep the fake Obama in office since the nation is already used to him.

Pennington Gay Pride Day - Schedule Of Events

8:00 AM: The Gay Pride Planning Committee (Mayor Sue Hallinan, Nurse Jill, Megan, Ashley Pottsdale, and the Trapper Twins) invites you to the Kroger parking lot to help decorate the gay floats and assemble balloon rainbows. 11:00 ...

Quiz: Is Your Weight Keeping You From Getting Drunk?

This blog entry is reprinted with permission from the Department of Health and Human Services. Studies show an individual with a BMI of more than 30 needs six shots of premium grade vodka to feel even mildly buzzed, whereas someone with a BMI betwe...

Obama's Life In Captivity

A document leaked to the internet earlier today, supposedly containing the results of Obama's first interview with FBI agents, contains numerous new details about the president's life of solitude.

The New VP Uniform

The Office of the Vice President released these photos of the new uniform designed for and by Joe Biden:

The TuckScreen: My Life As A Tween Icon

I'm getting a lot of compliments for making the cover of Teen People (posted below). I'm stumped as to what it is about me that tweens find so appealing, but I'm happy that it has brought me so many exciting opportunities.

U-SAY Responses To Scandalous Horse Spread

Juniper, the mare implicated in an affair with Congressman Ronald North, has agreed to do a four-page spread in Stud Farm magazine. What do U think? "Juniper should be ashamed of herself, if horses have the ability to feel shame." --Marcia J....

Wand Massager Recalled For Inappropriate Use

The Onion News Network obtained this transcript of the Conair annual stockholders’ meeting which led CEO John Haller to recall the company’s popular wand massager: HALLER (CONT): And some more good news... we have seen continued growth...

Bill Walton

This gargantuan hippie has gone from John Wooden's great UCLA teams to the NBA to the commentary booth and has been a remarkable figure in all of them. But was he any good?

How Illegal Immigrants Cross The Border

Last week, in one of its largest arrests in the past year, U.S. Border Patrol agents apprehended 128 individuals suspected of illegally entering the country from Mexico as a single group. How are immigrants crossing into the United States?

Postal Service Celebrates Another Awesome Day Of Delivering Mail

'We Did It Again, You Guys,' Jubilant Postmaster Declares

WASHINGTON—Emphatic cheers of "We did it again!" and "USPS is the best!" rang out from the nation's post offices Tuesday as the United States Postal Service celebrated yet another amazing day of successfully delivering the country's mail.

Toad On The Road!

Last year we strapped the Toad down to the back of a flatbed truck and brought him all over America, and it went so well (lawsuits pending) that we decided to truck him back out! See if he's stopping by a town near YOU! Lubbock, Texas - ...

'Born Ugly: The Willie McGee Story' Comes Under Fire

Former Major Leaguer Willie McGee is suing the producers of "Born Ugly: The Willie McGee Story," the new film loosely based on McGee's life, about an young man who makes his baseball dreams come true despite a face like a disaster area.

Gene Keady: Assistant Coach, St. John's

The longtime Purdue coach, now serving as a special assistant under Red Storm coach Steve Lavin, is notable for his roundness, lumpiness and the combover that sits atop his pock-marked face.

Muhammad Ali: Legendary Former Boxer

This list could have been filled with boxers, present and past, who had their wits punched out and their joints turned to stone after decades of punishment in the most brutal "sport" on the planet.

Tim McCarver: Broadcaster, Fox

McCarver broadcasts baseball for Fox weekly, despite his failing body and viewers' general sense that he doesn't know where he is at any given point in time.

Nick Johnson: DH, Free Agent

Last seen ripping up his wrist for the New York Yankees, Johnson has been unable to catch on with another MLB team, presumably because another one of his soft, meaty tendons would rip were he to so much as roll out of bed.

Yao Ming: Center, Houston Rockets

Entering the league at 7'6" with a clumsiness common to people his size, the Chinese icon looked decrepit even before his body started falling apart and the bones in his foot started splitting and cracking every time he took a step.

Chris Bosh's Frightening Night Locked In A Hot Car

Police were called to a Miami-area nightclub late last night to respond to reports that Heat forward Chris Bosh was left alone in a hot car for hours while his teammates LeBron James and Dwyane Wade partied inside, without a thought to their highly-paid s...

The NFL's History Of Military Action

Word has come down that the National Football League has launched a series of missiles into a Cambodian factory/elementary school thought to be fabricating unlicensed NFL merchandise.
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MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant. "We just saw Ryan Spilborghs and Brett Cecil still taking up major-league roster spots and decided we needed to unclutter things a little," said league rep Gerald Norris, who added that Geoff Blum, Ryan Doumit, Lyle Overbay, and Daric Barton all died quickly and painlessly. "There's always a tremendous glut of outfielders and middle relievers that we try to burn off before every season starts, like your LaTroy Hawkinses and Aaron Heilmans and Jonny Gomes and Josh Willinghams. Then there are just so many prospects to keep track of, so we rounded up Kyle Drabek, Desmond Jennings, and Mike Trout and took care of them. Just clearing out the brush." Norris seemed unconcerned that Ryan Howard was among the euthanized, saying only that his name was really normal-sounding.