Carlos Beltran Has Impressive Day Of Not Falling Apart And Dying

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Issue 4710

How To Become An Internet Music Sensation

More and more, bands are recording, releasing, and promoting their music at home using their own computers. Here are some ways a burgeoning musician can make a splash on the Internet.

NHL Ref Likes It When He Gets To Jump Over Puck

CHICAGO—Fifteen-year veteran NHL official Michael Lussenhop confirmed in an interview Sunday that the most satisfying part of his job is when he's backed into a corner and has to grab the boards to leap over the puck to keep from interfering with th...

What Do U-Say About Mike Brant?

Messages of support for GOP candidate Mike Brant have been flooding our inbox. Here's a small sampling: "We don't need leaders who went to good schools or have experience in government or can name their own state's capitol. We need leaders like Mik...

Report: Danny Ainge Got Tons Of Pussy At BYU

PROVO, UT—Following BYU's dismissal of one of its basketball players for having premarital sex with his girlfriend, teammates of former BYU star Danny Ainge confirmed Friday that the shooting guard got shitloads of pussy when he was enrolled at the ...

Town Of Davenport, Iowa Descends Into Hell Following Gay Marriage Ceremony

FORMER DAVENPORT, IA—Immediately following the performance of a same-sex marriage ceremony Sunday afternoon at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church on Lincoln Avenue, the city of Davenport, IA and all 99,685 of its residents were reportedly smitten into oblivion by the merciless wrath of God and flung into the deepest bowels of eternal hell.

Take The Comic Sans Test

Researchers at the Princeton University Center for Brain, Mind, and Comic Sans have made major breakthroughs in discovering why the Comic Cans font is so funny.

Child Makes Useless Gesture To Help Struggling Family

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Having observed his parents falling further into debt and despair since the auto plant where his father worked shut down, 5-year-old Brian Jacobson emptied out his entire piggy bank onto the kitchen table Monday, a worthless offerin...

Thunder at Heat

The always-pyrotechnic Kevin Durant faces off against the often self-destructive Big Three in Miami on Wednesday.

Grown Adult Actually Expects To Be Happy

NORMAL, IL—Despite possessing a fully developed brain and a general awareness of the fundamental nature of existence, sources said Rob Peterson, 37, apparently continues to believe that achieving long-lasting happiness is somehow possible.

Hidden Bank Fees

As a result of recent regulations prohibiting certain types of account fees, banks are finding new ways to make money from their customers. Here are some of the hidden charges now being applied.

OSN's March Madness Dump Your Girlfriend Contest!

Want to party with OSN at the Final Four? Feeling ambivalent about your ladyfriend? Well get ready to humiliate two birds with one stone! Grab your camcorder, Flip, camera phone or other video recording device, train it on your girlfriend and dump the chi...

Fish Murder Is Disgusting And Wrong

Hey folks, real grim Inside the Bench this week on a horrifying subculture of athletes that dare to lure fish in with sharpened hooks designed to look like worms or flies.

Cindy Halcombe And The The Cindy E-Zone

As part of the continuing agreement between the Onion Sports Network and ex-intern Cindy Halcombe, here is a court-mandated guest post written by Halcombe. Hi everyone! Cindy Halcombe here with my quarterly blogpost. Really should have had my lawyers figh...
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Carlos Beltran Has Impressive Day Of Not Falling Apart And Dying

PORT ST. LUCIE, FL—Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran, whose past several seasons have been hampered by nagging injuries, had a successful outing Monday, managing to get through a spring training workout without crumbling into a pile of dust and dying. "It was one of his best days in years, because he was still breathing and alive by the end," Mets manager Terry Collins said during a press conference, adding that he was amazed with Beltran's ability to pump blood from his heart to other parts of his body for a whole session of batting practice. "If he's able to take this into the regular season and maybe live for 100 games, that's a big win for this organization." At press time, Mets trainers had confirmed that Beltran had indeed just died.