WASHINGTON—Sources on Capitol Hill have confirmed that visiting Swiss banker Maximilian Krieger met privately with President Barack Obama and congressional leaders Friday, offering the ...
NORMAL, IL—Despite possessing a fully developed brain and a general awareness of the fundamental nature of existence, sources said Rob Peterson, 37, apparently continues ...
FORMER DAVENPORT, IA—Immediately following the performance of a same-sex marriage ceremony Sunday afternoon at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church on Lincoln Avenue, the city ...
KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN—After U.S. Marines secured several government centers, markets, and fuel depots in Kandahar Tuesday, the Pentagon announced that the Afghan city had ...
CHARLESTON, WV—News that a fiery bus crash on Interstate 79 had killed 32 passengers was greeted with cheers and sighs of relief Friday, as ...
WASHINGTON—Saying there are only a few days left to relish the steel-gray skies, dirt-caked melting snow, and still-freezing temperatures, citizens across the country are ...
TAMPA, FL—The American Association of Cosmetic and Plastic Surgeons announced Tuesday the approval of a groundbreaking new technique that will allow an otherwise normal ...
NEW YORK—A visibly exasperated Jon Hamm, star of the hit AMC series Mad Men, announced Monday that overly exuberant fan Marla Parker was ruining ...
LOS ANGELES—Calling the situation "none of our business" and "not worth a second of our time, quite frankly," a responsible and thoughtful U.S.
GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Having observed his parents falling further into debt and despair since the auto plant where his father worked shut down, 5-year-old Brian ...
TRIPOLI—In an act of reciprocity they called "vital to the future of our nation," the leaders of the rebel uprising in Libya said this ...
MEDFORD, MA—Students and faculty of Tufts University expressed shock Tuesday upon learning that freshman Jennifer Vance took her life due to pressures associated with ...
PORTLAND, ME—Party attendee Richard Silvan's plan to branch out and meet people who would perhaps introduce him to a new hobby or cultural ...
As a result of recent regulations prohibiting certain types of account fees, banks are finding new ways to make money from their customers. Here are ...
A surprise show by the Flaming Lips in 2006 has been hailed as one of the top music-festival highlights of all time. Here are some ...
More and more, bands are recording, releasing, and promoting their music at home using their own computers. Here are some ways a burgeoning musician can ...
Every year at South by Southwest, companies roll out their latest interactive media. Here's what to look for this year.
Aries: You're starting to think about settling down, finding a nice little place, starting a family, maybe eventually even getting some clothes.
Spring training, the NFL labor crisis and March Madness are fighting it out in the trenches, and only the Dome has the heavy-duty Sports-Treads you ...
Police are still building their list of initial suspects, a process made more difficult by many of those questions loudly insisting they "wished they killed ...
Impatient college hoop fans, the time has come: Greg officially kicked off March Madness by sending out his invitation to his official online bracket pool.
NBA fans are buzzing after word leaked that, in his autobiography "My Slam Dunk Life," Spurs forward Tim Duncan would claim to have had supportive ...
Archaeologists are studying the fossilized remains of a previously undiscovered species of Van Gundy found in Montana this week.
10-year old Brian Muskeep was named the Beltline Grill Cardinals starting catcher this week, a natural fit for a player of his unique physical capabilities.
As part of the continuing agreement between the Onion Sports Network and ex-intern Cindy Halcombe, here is a court-mandated guest post written by Halcombe.
Hi ...
Want to party with OSN at the Final Four? Feeling ambivalent about your ladyfriend? Well get ready to humiliate two birds with one stone! Grab ...
Hey folks, real grim Inside the Bench this week on a horrifying subculture of athletes that dare to lure fish in with sharpened hooks designed ...
Folks, if you were one of the millions of Deadly Chemists that loved that sick backing track to those snowboarding highlights, then you are not ...
They're overweight, wear lots of eyeliner, and are always in a foul mood. They're America's fat bitches.
Researchers at the Princeton University Center for Brain, Mind, and Comic Sans have made major breakthroughs in discovering why the Comic Cans font is so ...
With the spring reading season upon us, here’s a list of what I consider to be the best 100 of the books I’ve ...
Messages of support for GOP candidate Mike Brant have been flooding our inbox. Here's a small sampling:
"We don't need leaders who went ...
Since their inception, the OSNY awards have been built on moments: bone-crushing, animal-killing, athlete-humiliating moments.
PROVO, UT—In response to Brigham Young basketball player Brandon Davies' suspension from the Cougar squad for having premarital sex with his girlfriend, his fellow ...
NEW YORK—With their collective-bargaining agreement less than a day away from expiring, NFL players expressed Thursday how thrilled they are at the prospect of ...
PROVO, UT—Following BYU's dismissal of one of its basketball players for having premarital sex with his girlfriend, teammates of former BYU star Danny ...
CHICAGO—Fifteen-year veteran NHL official Michael Lussenhop confirmed in an interview Sunday that the most satisfying part of his job is when he's backed ...
DALLAS—Claiming they would have "so much fun" and "also get to meet some of my NBA friends," Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki enthusiastically recommended playing ...
PORT ST. LUCIE, FL—Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran, whose past several seasons have been hampered by nagging injuries, had a successful outing Monday, managing to ...
Brandon Davies' dismissal from the BYU basketball team for honor code violations has drawn attention to the very idea of honor codes. We've outlined ...
The always-pyrotechnic Kevin Durant faces off against the often self-destructive Big Three in Miami on Wednesday.
In an interview with FHM magazine, Phil Collins announced his retirement from music. What do you think?
According to a survey by the Guttmacher Institute, the number of teens and young adults who report they've never had intercourse has risen substantially.
In the wake of the upheaval in the Middle East, the Chinese government has been tracking, detaining, and even beating foreign journalists who have attempted ...
An analysis of data by European researchers shows that 7.4 percent of heart attacks are triggered by exposure to roadway smog.
Dear The Onion,
I see you have a presence on the Internet as well. Smart!
Doug Werner, Memphis, TN
Dear The Onion,
Your poignant, well-written obituaries always paint an affecting picture of the brevity and fragility of life. As such, I would like to ...
Doctors in the state will now be able to act like they've just given a woman an abortion and send her on her way.
WONN5 reports that hundreds turned out to support Pennington's single gay resident Paul Webster.
Some are calling for greater restrictions on the content James Spader posts on the Spader Me website, especially the videos he posts of himself.
Many Americans are saying they will rely on their high school language classes to make a good showing when the French president and First Lady ...
Some have expressed that the U.S. should take a harder line with North Korea regarding its destruction of the Asian continent.
The stock market plunged 1,000 points today on news man is not infallible. But if this is so, isn't reason itself fallible, and ...
All eyes are on furniture repairman Mike Brant, the newest star of the Republican party, but there are other frontrunners as well: Trisha Nichols, a ...
Considering that you must tell the truth because if you don't we could send a thousand-volt current of electricity through your walls at any ...
This week Jude Law surprised the nation by coming out as a terrible actor. Did you have any inkling Law was actually no good?
This week the deputy FDA commissioner announced that Americans are "on their own" in regards to dietary regulations.
Many are naming Mike Brant as a contender for the 2012 presidential ticket. Which quality most makes him a worthy candidate for president?
Many are saying high fructose corn syrup manufacturer GoldenMade is not doing enough to clean up the massive midwest corn syrup spill.
