The Week In Review

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Issue 4711

'I Make My Own Hours,' Says Man About To Get Fired

NEW YORK—Marketing associate Jack Hilliard has carved out a pretty nice little setup wherein he has the freedom to make his own hours and come and go to work as he pleases, the 41-year-old who is on the verge of losing his job told reporters Monday.

Kelly and Epting's Apartment

Within walking distance of public transportation and situated in an up-and-coming area of town, Justin Kelly and Luke Epting's two-bedroom apartment contains a number of minor, albeit notable flaws.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Healthy Eating

The Week In Review

Consumers Say Recession Changed Way They Blow Paycheck On Crap
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Silvio Berlusconi Gets Penis Stuck In Wine Bottle Stuck In Prostitute
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Man Becomes GOP Frontrunner After Showing No Interest In Government
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Pope To Ease Up On Jesus Talk
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Office Pool's Low Number Of Bracket Printouts A Reminder Of How Many Employees Were Laid Off Last Year
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Microsoft Word Now Includes Squiggly Blue Line To Alert Writer When Word Is Too Advanced For Mainstream Audience
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Keira Knightley Answers Fan Letter Way Too Quickly
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Something Wrong With Literally Everything In Apartment
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How To Get Your Premature Babies Into The Best Incubators
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PSA: Ben Stiller Speaks Out Against Shaken Manchild Syndrome
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