VATICAN CITY—Acknowledging that he has perhaps been laying it on a little thick with the religion stuff lately, Pope Benedict XVI said Wednesday that ...

FORT WAYNE, IN—According to local computer programmer and Keira Knightley fan Tom Hayes, 38, the internationally known English film actress and model responded "much ...

SOMERVILLE, MA—According to the residents of 117 Maple St., Unit No. 2, literally every appliance, fixture, surface, and structural feature in their apartment is ...

NGORONGORO, TANZANIA—Despite spending several years scouring Serengeti National Park's rolling plains, arid basins, and remote mountaintops, 24-year-old production assistant Rachel Orr is still ...

NEW YORK—Facing decreased ad revenue and a moribund print industry, publisher Condé Nast is attempting to capture a greater share of the dwindling magazine ...

OXFORD, U.K.—Editors of the Oxford English Dictionary announced Tuesday their plans to include the words "Skype" and "coat" in their most recent update ...

NEW YORK—A study released Monday by the Department of Labor found that every 10 seconds, on average, a window washer somewhere in the United ...

WASHINGTON—Responding to the ongoing nuclear crisis in Japan, officials from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission sought Thursday to reassure nervous Americans that U.S.

LOS ANGELES—"Profoundly fatigued" executives at Lionsgate Films announced Thursday that they are completely out of ideas in terms of how to promote the Matthew ...

KETTERING, OH—A comprehensive digital cataloging system that keeps track of its customers' car maintenance history, oil-change needs, and past fuel-filter replacements puts Karl's ...

NEW YORK—Marketing associate Jack Hilliard has carved out a pretty nice little setup wherein he has the freedom to make his own hours and ...

Last week, Rep. Peter King (R-NY) held a controversial hearing entitled "The Extent of Radicalization in the American Muslim Community and that Community's Response ...

Aries: You'll become embroiled in a steamy office romance next week, which would be better if you weren't the trusty in charge of ...

Iron your tux and take your elegant gowns out of storage! SportsDome's breaking out the arena-sized formalwear to celebrate the 2011 OSNY Awards -- the ...

On Tuesday night, SportsDome is going to go to the OSNY Awards to have a pre-show on the red carpet there.

Police apprehended Jerry Borgman this week, a 49-year-old contractor who allegedly appeared in dozens of commercials pretending to be Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. Though Borgman ...

The Lakers are dealing with another distraction as they make their playoff push: the leak of a surreal, expressionistic sex tape starring power forward Pau ...

After years of wrenching disappointment, the city of Cleveland has finally cast professional sports aside, to be replaced with anything and everything that doesn't ...

Today, genetic freaks are celebrated as sports heroes. But giants used to be shunned and feared. All that changed with the invention of basketball by ...

His face has been part of the landscape of all the major female sporting events of the past 25 years: peeking into the locker room ...

Shaken Manchild Syndrome (SMS) is a dangerous form of injury inflicted by violent shaking on idle, out-of-shape, adult male children who still live at home.

As soon as OBC announced that "Former Warlord" star Zeljko Goran had successfully avoided being extradited to the Hague to stand trial for war crimes ...

After years of rising tensions, representatives of Washington and Real America have finally entered diplomatic talks. Here’s what some of our viewers had to ...

FEMA has just released the following advisory for residents in ord near the deadly BBQ cloud: 

With the help of viewers like you, the Onion News Network was able to join the fight of patriot Kyle Johnson and get his Spanish ...

COLUMBUS, OH—Employees at Take 5 Media said the smaller-than-usual stack of brackets printed out Wednesday for this year's NCAA basketball tournament served as ...

BROOKLYN, NY—Touting it as perhaps their most daring yet nuanced field to date, the NCAA's hip, trendsetting counter-committee released its bracket of 64 ...

Being a No. 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament doesn't guarantee a Final Four berth, but it does automatically make your team the subject ...

The multi-talented UConn guard comes into the NCAA Tournament riding perhaps the hottest streak in recent NCAA history. Is he any good?

Last year, the sandwich chain Subway surpassed McDonald's as the franchise restaurant with the most locations in the world.

According to a study published in the journal Nature, missing chunks of DNA show that human ancestors may once have had barbed penises.

P.J. Crowley, a spokesman for the State Department, was forced to resign following comments he made at MIT about the alleged mistreatment of imprisoned ...

In the wake of nuclear accidents following the massive earthquake and tsunami in Japan, investors drove down the prices of atomic-energy stocks.

In a recent survey, 42 percent of millionaires said they didn't feel rich and would need assets of around $7.5 million or more ...

Raymond Davis, a CIA security contractor employed in Pakistan and held captive for killing two men, was freed after the victims' families were paid around ...

Within walking distance of public transportation and situated in an up-and-coming area of town, Justin Kelly and Luke Epting's two-bedroom apartment contains a number ...

Mike Brant has become a favorite among Republicans for his complete apathy towards government and overt unwillingness to serve.

The most reliable caged Americans in cable news give their trenchant, homespun insight into current events.

Actor Ben Stiller urges parents with adult kids still living at home to think twice before shaking their manchildren in frustration.

The CIA's invention of Facebook has saved the government millions of dollars.

The statue captures Yogi in his most recognizable pose: hunched over naked.

The Pentagon had a string of military successes in Afghanistan this month. Which do you think was most important strategically to winning the war on ...

A Holstein took Best In Show at this week's Westminster Cow Show. Which of these frontrunners were you hoping would win?

Unemployment jumped after the government realized how many Americans listed podcasting as an actual job.

The Midwest suffered yet another devastating food related accident this week when factory exploded, sending a cloud of BBQ seasoning over the area.

Washington is buzzing amid rumors Justice Breyer might have an incurable disease, opening up a seat on the Supreme Court during Obama's term.

The popular new social networking site Wanbee allows users to earn points by uploading state secrets.

A new law has made it legal to carry a gun at head level, but some critics say this is not enough. Should it also ...