EARTH—Following the recent earthquake and tsunami that tragically took the lives of an estimated 20,000 Japanese citizens, the planet Earth was afforded a ...
PROVIDENCE, RI—According to a study released this week by Brown University's Department of Modern Culture and Media, it now takes only four minutes ...
CLAYTON, MO—According to easygoing voices inside the head of local man Tom Kepler, 39, the husband and father of three should maybe consider murdering ...
SEATTLE—According to sources, employees at Gibbons Tech Supply Distribution spent most of Monday touching base.
WASHINGTON—Breaking off in the middle of a speech on financial reform Tuesday, Sen. Max Baucus (D-MT) offered to take any member of the assembled ...
LOS ANGELES—Cover author Gerald Putty told reporters Monday that he is about six months away from finishing a word-for-word rewrite of Herman Melville's ...
WASHINGTON—Following a controversial broadcast of CBS's The Big Bang Theory during which vaginal penetration could be seen on-screen for more than a minute ...
LA CROSSE, WI—Proceeding with great deliberation, bystander Albert Preston carefully considered every possible option Thursday while attempting to discern the best way to respond ...
SAN DIEGO—A study conducted at the University of San Diego found that during an average night's sleep, at least 14 different animals, ranging ...
SAN FRANCISCO—Minutes after arriving at Scott Clark's apartment Friday, college friend Marc Karam, 26, announced that he didn't really have any plans ...
In 2009, the mortality rate in the United States fell 2.3 percent to 741 deaths per 100,000. Here are some of the factors ...
Aries: It's important, as Kipling said, to treat triumph and disaster both the same, but it seems all you ever get are mild satisfaction ...
Following this week's freak release of 34 Heigl films, Sony executives were quick to remind the public that the widespread hospitalizations were a result ...
The Damaged Women's Coalition released this statement denying that they marched on the Capitol Friday at 2 a.m.
Race car driver, Jeff Gordon's new charity organization, Zoom Through Reading, aims to teach Jeff Gordon to read.
Earlier this week Vice President Joe Biden replaced his traditional Secret Service detail with a team of sexy female bodyguards.
A special message from Mayor Sue Hallinan:
"Just wanted to let folks know that there's going to be a whole bunch of commotion down ...
People began to give up on the American Dream almost from the time it was created. Below, a letter from a riverboat porter written in ...
Protesters in Florida waved signs decrying gay adoption for subjecting the children of same-sex parents to horrible, bigoted protesters like themselves.
Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle! is a fast-paced news and current affairs program devoted to bringing you the latest need-to-know information about awesome motorcycles.
SAN FRANCISCO—Barry Bonds, the San Francisco Giants outfielder who in 2007 capped his 22-year baseball career by becoming the MLB's all-time home run ...
BLOOMINGTON, IN—For the first time in "a good year or two now," local man Nelson Greenley, 33, was struck by the sudden impulse to ...
PITTSBURGH—Following a Tuesday skate-around in which concussed team captain Sidney Crosby practiced for the first time since January, Penguins coach Dan Bylsma told reporters ...
OKLAHOMA CITY—Amidst a hot streak Sunday in which Thunder star Kevin Durant hit four field goals in a row against the Raptors, excited and ...
INDIANAPOLIS—The 10 members of the NCAA Selection Committee reconvened in Indianapolis late Sunday to select this year's Sweet 16 participants, announcing they had ...
NEW YORK—In an effort to protect the integrity of the game, commissioner Roger Goodell confirmed Friday that the NFL has considered ending the lockout ...
SAN ANTONIO—After a slow start last Thursday in which they were upset in the first round by 13-seed Morehead State, the Louisville Cardinals have ...
The first two rounds of March Madness provided more than their share of great drama. Here are the moments that will live on long after ...
Poison control centers are starting to receive calls from people who are experiencing negative side effects from potassium iodide pills ingested due to fear that ...
After two fatal tour bus accidents occurred in a single week, authorities in New York conducted random inspections in which 14 of 14 buses stopped ...
In 2010, 1.1 million men underwent cosmetic surgery, an increase of 2 percent. What do you think?
A new South Dakota law requires women to wait three days and attend counseling before having an abortion.
According to psychiatric records, the scientist believed to have been responsible for five anthrax-by-mail deaths in 2001 had numerous psychological issues, including an obsession with ...
Dear The Onion,
When I'm feeling down, I find the best pick me up is a mood-altering drug. Any kind will do.
Stan Jefferies ...
Dear The Onion,
In last week's Diet section, you recommended eating bananas, but you didn't say what time of day. I will await ...
Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish ...
While frustrated parents may feel driven to violently shake their video game-playing grown children who still live at home, it can have serious medical consequences.
The nation is still reeling from accident at Sony Pictures which unleashed dozens of films starring the irritating actress on an unsuspecting public.
Disaster struck Hollywood this week when 34 Katherine Heigl movies were released simultaneously. Which film are you most concerned about?
The White House is hoping Malia Obama's arranged marriage to a Taliban leader brings a lasting peace in Afghanistan.
The last person to believe in the American Dream abandoned it Friday. What is your reaction?
The Damaged Women marched on Washington DC demanding someone listen to them for once. Do you think the they have a valid complaint against Congress?
NASA has embarked on a low-cost exploration of a highway in New Mexico. What's the most exciting item discovered by the rover?
Congress debated a number of new American Dreams before choosing a motorcyle-based dream. Which do you think they should have picked?
